Weird responses

[Cora]

Hi, 

The other day we found that one of my grandmother's sister died. My grandmother didn't know because she was in the hospital for Covid, so we had to tell her, and by we I mean my mum (she is the oldest sibling and decided to do it). 

When we did tell her, she started screaming and crying. For some (sick or not) reason I had some sort of smile on my face and I didn't feel as much empathy as I wanted. I have no idea why I would smile in such a situation and that concerns me very much, especially because this is not first time when it happens. Another example is once we passed by a burned house (I was on a bus on my way home from uni) and, just like the other passengers, I was looking at what was happening over there, and I felt that I wanted to smile. I tried to reassure myself by thinking that it was a weird response to the utter silence in the bus (because of what happened). And I've tried to find an explanation for what happened the other day as well. Maybe I smiled because of how loud my grandmother was crying and screaming. But I don't think these explanations make much sense, really. 

There's something else. Yesterday I worked an extra shift (I normally do days but when they need more people on nights, I do night shifts as well) and normally I work the same days as my boyfriend. However, he had some family issues and couldn't come in. When he's not in, it feels weird as when we both are in, we have the break together, help each other and just chat for a bit when we cross paths. Yesterday I was thinking how lonely and boring it is without him and, all of a sudden, i had a thought that I wouldn't care if my boyfriend died and I would probably not even cry or miss him. I tried to make up some scenarios in my head to test my reaction but I found nothing. Even now it's still nothing. And it scares me. This makes me doubt that I actually love him.

I've shared the above with you because I'm scared I have a huge lack of empathy, and maybe I have some traits of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) or something on that spectrum.

The more I dig into my memories, the more 'proof' I find. Not a long time ago, my best friend posted a photo on social media and I kind of felt jealous of how amazing she was looking. But I don't want to think that. I love and appreciate her so much! But then that feeling of jealousy was very real. And I feel very ashamed of it. 

I also sometimes feel better about myself if I see that someone has failed (either at work or uni). And, again, I feel ashamed of it because I want to be the opposite of that. I want to be happy for other people when they succeed, and support them even when they don't. I don't want to bring down someone else just so I could feel better. That is the wrong mentality to have and I'm convinced it won't serve me well in the long run. 

Here is another example. My mum has some serious health issues and I help her with making appointments, attending appointments, getting medication and so on as her English speaking skills are not the greatest. Even though I'm helping her I feel like it's not genuine, it feels rather forced. Sometimes I postpone making appointments and I used to think it was because I'm terrified of speaking to someone I don't know over the phone but I don't think that's what it. Also, when I was at uni, on the days I didn't have lectures, I would go and collect her medication (our surgery is quite far from where we live). But sometimes I would feel lazy or postpone it even though I knew how important it was for her. I know my bond with my mum is not greatest but that's not an excuse. I feel like I don't care enough about her and that I'm also not grateful enough - she is here, in the UK, mainly because of me but she is really unhappy. 

And there's so many other wrong things that I could add but it would take me hours to include them all. I tend to be quite nice and polite when I'm out in the society but sometimes I fake it and I feel bad about it. Like I'm not being genuine and I only do it so people would like me. Or worse, I am nice on the outside but I truly don't like that person and have not so nice thoughts about them on the inside. 

Thinking about all of the above makes me upset and concerned. I feel like I'm not empathetic enough. For the past days, I've felt almost completely numb to anything happening in my life. And maybe OCD has had an impact on that, but I still had the same thoughts and feelings even when I didn't have OCD so I don't think that's a valid explanation. 

I'm really sorry for the long post. But I felt like I had to let it out. I've had this worry before but I kept pretending that it wasn't there but I feel like the more I ignore it, the worse it gets. 

Thank you for reading this. And please don't feel pressured to answer. You've helped me and dedicated your time on me way too much than I deserve. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Cora

[snowbear]

Here you go again, Cora. Different worry, same response.

Here's my challenge to you.

Go through your post above and identify every single compulsion you did. Post the list here.

Next time you get the urge to confess another worry, instead of writing out what happened and how you felt write a list of the compulsions it crossed your mind to do.

 

[Dave321]

I have that exact same thing Cora

[felix4]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

For some (sick or not) reason I had some sort of smile on my face and I didn't feel as much empathy as I wanted. I have no idea why I would smile in such a situation and that concerns me very much, especially because this is not first time when it happens.

 

@Cora

I just found the following, & it looks like normal anxious behaviour, just like many of us have experienced! (Not sure I agree with the biting the cheeks part, because I should imagine that could become a compulsion and make things worse).

I am just amazed that you & @Dave321 are still carrying out your compulsions and stuck and fear being what you fear, rather than accept these things as OCD, and give yourself a break. 

 

The next question came from Pam, from Spokane, Wash., who asked from the plaza: “I’m wondering is it normal to laugh hysterically at a funeral?”

“It’s strange and people don’t like it, but it’s normal,” Saltz assured her.

People laugh at funerals, Saltz explained, because thinking about death and mortality can cause anxiety.

“When some people get really anxious, they laugh and then the more it feels like an inappropriate reaction, the more that they laugh because the more anxious they’re getting,” Saltz said.

Though you don’t want to be cracking up at such a somber time, if it does happen, Saltz recommended finding another way to relieve anxiety, like taking slow, deep breaths.

Or, she said, “sometimes actually biting the insides of your cheeks, something that sort of pings you, that’s like a stress-reliever to take the anxiety away.”

Edited May 1, 2021 by felix4

[Cora]

11 hours ago, snowbear said:

Go through your post above and identify every single compulsion you did. Post the list here.

Okay, so I think these are the compulsions I did, but I'm sorry if I missed any:

• first and the most important, confessing especially in such details
• ruminating 
• testing 
• not letting go
• and maybe catastrophising 

[Cora]

11 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I have that exact same thing Cora

I'm sorry, Dave, that you are struggling with this as well. 

[Cora]

10 hours ago, felix4 said:

I just found the following, & it looks like normal anxious behaviour, just like many of us have experienced! (Not sure I agree with the biting the cheeks part, because I should imagine that could become a compulsion and make things worse).

Thank you, @felix4. This has actually helped so I'm really thankful!

10 hours ago, felix4 said:

I am just amazed that you & @Dave321 are still carrying out your compulsions and stuck and fear being what you fear, rather than accept these things as OCD, and give yourself a break.

Okay, I understand what you mean, but I'm not too sure that what I've described above is OCD. I'm worried that other than OCD, I could also have ASPD. There's a huge lack of empathy and carelessness and jealousy that I have identified for the 10 years or so, and I don't know how to digest it. I just don't think it's normal..

I'm sorry, I know that because I think it's not OCD, I should have not posted about it on an OCD forum. 

[FranticS]

13 hours ago, Cora said:

I tried to make up some scenarios in my head

Compulsion! You're trying to test yourself.

And it won't work because you wouldn't be responding to an actual real-life event but to a simulation you're trying to run inside your head.

It's a bit like... if the fire alarm goes off at work and you've been warned beforehand that there's going to be a fire drill that day, your emotional response will probably be quite different than if it went off unexpectedly. You're trying to force yourself to feel something, and I don't think that's really how feelings work...

[FranticS]

Oh - and I should say I'm a massive hypocrite, because I do EXACTLY the same thing ALL the time! :D

[malina]

Now you are diagnosing yourself with new disorders? I don't get when people do that, you can't accept that you have one disorder, that was actually diagnosed by a professional, so you go diagnosing yourself with other disorders, which you clearly got information about from the internet and don't know much about. Cora, stop wasting your time with this self analysis and focus on getting your life together. Sorry to be harsh, but you need reminders to stay on track here!

[Caramoole]

I agree Malina  

 

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, malina said:

Now you are diagnosing yourself with new disorders? I don't get when people do that, you can't accept that you have one disorder, that was actually diagnosed by a professional, so you go diagnosing yourself with other disorders, which you clearly got information about from the internet and don't know much about. Cora, stop wasting your time with this self analysis and focus on getting your life together. Sorry to be harsh, but you need reminders to stay on track here!

Thank you, malina. 

Okay, maybe I don't have the other disorder I think I do, but still, don't you think that the way I respond to certain situations is weird? 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, FranticS said:

Compulsion! You're trying to test yourself.

And it won't work because you wouldn't be responding to an actual real-life event but to a simulation you're trying to run inside your head.

It's a bit like... if the fire alarm goes off at work and you've been warned beforehand that there's going to be a fire drill that day, your emotional response will probably be quite different than if it went off unexpectedly. You're trying to force yourself to feel something, and I don't think that's really how feelings work...

Thank you, @FranticS. This makes sense. 

[PolarBear]

I wholeheartedly agree with Malina.

Seen this many times. It's as if some sufferers believe OCD isn't bad enough to explain their woes, that there must be another, worse ailment lurking.

OCD is bad. It is about as bad as it gets.

[PolarBear]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

Okay, maybe I don't have the other disorder I think I do, but still, don't you think that the way I respond to certain situations is weird? 

Here you go again. This is a perfect example of you judging yourself to be defective in some way and rhen coming here to try and get confirmation of your fears and/or to seek reassurance that you are okay. You do this constantly.

Stand up for yourself. Start treating yourself with respect. Look in rhe mirror and say, "I'm okay and I'm worth it!"

[malina]

36 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

Okay, maybe I don't have the other disorder I think I do, but still, don't you think that the way I respond to certain situations is weird? 

Maybe, but you have a diagnosed mental health problem. I'm sorry but you are going to be a little weird and have weird experiences sometimes. It's not nice or fair, but you have to learn to accept it and stop freaking out about everything that is weird about you. Accept it, stand tall and move forward.

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina and @PolarBear. I will try to let this go and move on. 

[Cora]

2 hours ago, malina said:

Maybe,

@malina, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit freaked out by this maybe, but I won't dig into it. 

Once again, thank you for your help.

[malina]

28 minutes ago, Cora said:

@malina, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit freaked out by this maybe, but I won't dig into it. 

Once again, thank you for your help.

What I meant is that it may be weird because you have a diagnosed mental health condition, which generally results in lots of weirdness! You can't be actively dealing with something like OCD and expect to never have weird thoughts, feelings, reactions from time to time.

[Cora]

3 minutes ago, malina said:

What I meant is that it may be weird because you have a diagnosed mental health condition, which generally results in lots of weirdness! You can't be actively dealing with something like OCD and expect to never have weird thoughts, feelings, reactions from time to time.

Oh, okay, I understand. Thank you. 

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

Oh, okay, I understand. Thank you. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit freaked out by this maybe, but I won't dig into it. 

Now stop and have a think about this.  You've spent a lot of time telling us you're weird, that this isn't OCD etc etc and then when you thought Malina was saying "Yes, maybe you are" you freaked.  This shows how, at root level, what you're really looking for is reassurance and somebody to tell you everything is okay.  Try & be aware of how sneaky compulsions can be

 

 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Now stop and have a think about this.  You've spent a lot of time telling us you're weird, that this isn't OCD etc etc and then when you thought Malina was saying "Yes, maybe you are" you freaked.  This shows how, at root level, what you're really looking for is reassurance and somebody to tell you everything is okay.  Try & be aware of how sneaky compulsions can be

 

 

Yes, @Caramoole, you are right, I'm always looking for reassurance. I just feel like I can't live without knowing whether I'm a weird person (in an unpleasant way). But I'm sorry, that was sneaky indeed.

[Caramoole]

42 minutes ago, Cora said:

But I'm sorry, that was sneaky indeed.

It's not about "you" being sneaky Cora.....it's about learning how to recognise compulsions in all their different guises, about the various ways that OCD makes us behave

[snowbear]

54 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's not about "you" being sneaky Cora.....it's about learning how to recognise compulsions in all their different guises, about the various ways that OCD makes us behave

As Caramoole says, compulsions can be sneaky. You can convince yourself you're asking an honest question when secretly it's about seeking reassurance, or tell yourself this time is different in the hope of getting fresh opinions on the same old stuff.

 

9 hours ago, Cora said:

Okay, so I think these are the compulsions I did, but I'm sorry if I missed any:

• first and the most important, confessing especially in such details
• ruminating 
• testing 
• not letting go
• and maybe catastrophising 

Great! So you're able to recogninise the symptoms after you've done it. Trick now is to start catching on when it's a compulsion earlier and earlier.

If you recognise it's a ruminating compulsion while your thinking through the details, you can learn to stop mid-thought before it even reaches the confessing stage.