Staying in a holiday rental tomorrow... contamination fears

[BelAnna]

Hi, 

So despite all of the therapy I have had (a lot) over the course of the last 18 years (since I was a child) I am still massively struggling with my contamination OCD.

I have recently started sessions with a new Psychologist who specialises in CBT for OCD and I'm really hoping to make some progress with it this year. Most of my life is actually spent in one room due to this fear (in non-covid times [as well as at present] I can't go to shops/restaurants/work/walk into town etc). 

Tomorrow (Monday) I am going up to Scotland to see my brother and his family and staying in a holiday rental up there (with my household). I am looking forward to seeing my family but also very scared about the whole trip. The journey is a bit of a nightmare as I cannot get out of the car at all so have to 'hold it' for 7-9 hours and I panic about stopping along the way for the rest of my family to take a pit stop. Then when we get there I know I will panic that every surface, light switch, the toilets etc. are contaminated with Norovirus. I wish that I didn't have this OCD as it robs me of all of the happy moments in life! I could be looking forward to a nice little break/holiday but instead I'm panicking about it!

[PolarBear]

I feel sorry for you but you must know by now that you put yourself in this predicament and only you can get out.

Harsh, maybe, but truthful. You've had the therapy. You've gotten advice from us for quite some time. You come back regularly, usually to tell us about the next phony crisis. You have the knowledge. I know you do.

What you lack is the doing. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Pushing yourself, again and again. Instead, you wrap yourself in an illusory cloak of protection, warding off a boogeyman that does not exist.

One small step you can take immediately... go through your post above and change every can't to won't. 

There will be nothing preventing you from leaving the car during your journey to take a break and use the washroom. But you choose not to because of an irrational fear. At least admit that. It's not that you can't get out of the car. It's that you won't do it.

[Caramoole]

I'm going to applaud PB's post Why?  Because he's said what needed saying.

You have been a member for such a long time, you are an intelligent woman, a very nice and very kind person.......but for those very reasons you are perhaps not challenged as much as we ought to challenge.  You often cite your Emetophobia as being more complex than other phobia's and a reason why it makes OCD more complicated difficult maybe but still disordered thinking.

So much of your young life has already been disrupted by this horrible disorder.....don't let even more years pass you by.  I really hope your new Psychologist can help you move forward with this in a way you haven't been able to so far.

As PB says......and as unbelievable as it may seem to you....you could get out of that car tomorrow, the only thing holding you back is fear.  Nothing more.  Do it

[BelAnna]

9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I feel sorry for you but you must know by now that you put yourself in this predicament and only you can get out.

Harsh, maybe, but truthful. You've had the therapy. You've gotten advice from us for quite some time. You come back regularly, usually to tell us about the next phony crisis. You have the knowledge. I know you do.

What you lack is the doing. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Pushing yourself, again and again. Instead, you wrap yourself in an illusory cloak of protection, warding off a boogeyman that does not exist.

One small step you can take immediately... go through your post above and change every can't to won't. 

There will be nothing preventing you from leaving the car during your journey to take a break and use the washroom. But you choose not to because of an irrational fear. At least admit that. It's not that you can't get out of the car. It's that you won't do it.

 

8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I'm going to applaud PB's post Why?  Because he's said what needed saying.

You have been a member for such a long time, you are an intelligent woman, a very nice and very kind person.......but for those very reasons you are perhaps not challenged as much as we ought to challenge.  You often cite your Emetophobia as being more complex than other phobia's and a reason why it makes OCD more complicated difficult maybe but still disordered thinking.

So much of your young life has already been disrupted by this horrible disorder.....don't let even more years pass you by.  I really hope your new Psychologist can help you move forward with this in a way you haven't been able to so far.

As PB says......and as unbelievable as it may seem to you....you could get out of that car tomorrow, the only thing holding you back is fear.  Nothing more.  Do it

Thanks PolarBear- harsh but true! (and very helpful!) Thank you Caramoole- for saying nice things about me (all of which apply to you too) but also for highlighting the changes that I need to make. 

I think I take a few steps forward and then a couple back.

I find that some of the things going on in life (for example we've been trying to move house for quite a long time (lots of cleaning/tidying/sorting), there's lots of stress (and irritability/arguments) in my household and some health issues etc.) distract me from setting and completing my own CBT tasks but it's getting to a critical point now where I think I either decide that I will be suffering from severe OCD for the rest of my life and just keep responding like I have been responding OR I change the way that I approach things, challenge myself as much as possible and try to piece together some sort of almost normal life! Sometimes I think I feel so hopeless about having lost my youth to OCD (and about having such limited life experience) that it can demotivate me but it should probably do the opposite.

I realise this looks like a list of excuses though so going forward... I need to make my intention that I (and everyone else) will have a nice family meet-up when we're there and not that I will avoid Norovirus at all costs. I need to stop visualising Norovirus on every surface OR accept that there might be Norovirus on every surface (which do you think is better?) and enjoy what is supposed to be a nice time. 

One thing that makes me more anxious is that we've stayed in the same holiday rental before and that time my little nephew (who was two at the time) had a fever for five days whilst we were there and my Mum and I caught a virus (which presumably was what was causing the fever) that gave me an asthma flare-up for a few weeks. I'm not too bothered by viruses that don't cause vomiting but the fact that we did catch something whilst there makes it seem more likely to happen again! 

Other (non-contamination) aspects of my OCD (mostly 'responsibility' based issues including compulsions to keep my dog safe, which I realise sounds ridiculous but it is OCD after all) will be a problem whilst we are there too so that will make it doubly challenging. 

I stayed in a holiday rental with my family last year (even when the Covid rates were higher but not during lockdown) and the first night or two were very difficult (lots of tears, feeling completely unable to cope and general distress) so it would be great if I (or my OCD) didn't ruin the first couple of days this time. 

Here are some of my 'Anxious predictions' (when I was at the Anxiety Disorders Unit we were told to label fears as 'predictions') to test out:

- That my brother's family might have a stomach bug (the kids are little and at nursery so that makes those kind of things more likely) and my household will catch it.

- That the holiday rental will be contaminated with stomach viruses from the previous renters and as above.

- That my dog will come to harm (from eating raisins, swimming in blue green algae, running away on the beach or eating something sharp) 

My other fear is that my OCD will ruin the whole holiday, that as a result of this my family will be angry with me (I realise that sentence sounds like it has been written by a teenager!) and that I will feel distressed the whole time- I guess this is the one that I have some control over! 

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by BelAnna

[Caramoole]

Make a new prediction.....That you will try your level best

It's unlikely that this is going to turn around during this break, you've thought in this pattern for a very long time but you can also use it as a marker for change.  To look at just how detrimentally these obsessions and phobias have affected your life, how much they've taken away from you.  Use it as a time to think "Enough"

Your fear/phobia of Norovitus is just that, an irrational, exaggerated fear that is out of all proportion with the reality of the true situation. I am a lot older than you and in my life I haven't known anyone personally who's suffered from it.  If you did contract it, you'd suffer a few unpleasant days.  Nothing compared to the distress you've felt from the anxiety caused by the fear of.  Historically, you have always come back with a list of facts and figures about Norovirus supporting the percieved version of risk you fear.  It's not surprising your fears weald such power.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself over these next few days, use the energy to do your best to enjoy yourself as much as you can.......but do watch that chatterbox in your head, the rumination.  Don't worry about spoiling things for your family, they know you, they know the problem, they know the restrictions.....but again, use the opportunity to think "Enough"

You know all the theory Bellanna, it's time to use it.

I hope your holiday is as happy as you can make it

[BelAnna]

7 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Make a new prediction.....That you will try your level best

It's unlikely that this is going to turn around during this break, you've thought in this pattern for a very long time but you can also use it as a marker for change.  To look at just how detrimentally these obsessions and phobias have affected your life, how much they've taken away from you.  Use it as a time to think "Enough"

Your fear/phobia of Norovitus is just that, an irrational, exaggerated fear that is out of all proportion with the reality of the true situation. I am a lot older than you and in my life I haven't known anyone personally who's suffered from it.  If you did contract it, you'd suffer a few unpleasant days.  Nothing compared to the distress you've felt from the anxiety caused by the fear of.  Historically, you have always come back with a list of facts and figures about Norovirus supporting the percieved version of risk you fear.  It's not surprising your fears weald such power.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself over these next few days, use the energy to do your best to enjoy yourself as much as you can.......but do watch that chatterbox in your head, the rumination.  Don't worry about spoiling things for your family, they know you, they know the problem, they know the restrictions.....but again, use the opportunity to think "Enough"

You know all the theory Bellanna, it's time to use it.

I hope your holiday is as happy as you can make it

Thank you so much Caramoole! 

I have had Norovirus six/seven times in my life so it seems reasonably likely to happen in my head but I've not had any kind of stomach bug for 15 years now so it clearly isn't that likely! and you're right that I should view it as 'unpleasant' rather than catastrophically awful! 

I'm going to try to find as many nice moments in this trip as I can and try to address any 'what ifs' (e.g. what if I get sick from this), with some 'so what' ... I imagine I'll trip up some of the time! 

 

 

 

 

 

[PolarBear]

New attitude. I like it.

I challenge you to come up with a new prediction like, Everything went great, I had a lot of fun, and I was able to forget about sickness and just enjoy myself. And I deserved it!

[daja]

Have a good time in Scotland!

[Lollipop]

Hope you have a great time. Be brave

[Lollipop]

How did it go @BelAnna?

[BelAnna]

6 hours ago, Lollipop said:

How did it go @BelAnna?

Aw thanks for remembering Lollipop! I actually had a really lovely time for most of it- we stayed in a beach town and it was so nice to be near the sea. I also did lots of unplanned ERP and faced some challenges; my life is usually so limited (e.g. I haven't been into my local town for years) but I did some 'normal' things like going to a pub and eating out at a cafe without showering afterwards.

Thanks Lollipop, Caramoole, Daja and Polarbear for your help and support

Edited May 10, 2021 by BelAnna

[Alice Journalism]

That's brilliant

[iamwesker]

Well done BelAnna! You should be so proud!

[PolarBear]

Yeah!

[Caramoole]

Well Done You   Glad you managed to enjoy most of it

[BelAnna]

Thanks so much Alice, Iamwesker, Polarbear, Lollipop and Caramoole  .

[Lollipop]

Wow go you! Glad you had a good time and managed to do the "normal" things. Keep going now step at a time

[BelAnna]

 Thank you! It felt a bit like 'flooding' exposure rather than graded exposure to be honest! (we were looking after my baby niece and nephew too [our household is vaccinated and childcare is permitted under covid rules] so I had to play with them on the floor even though I can't usually pick up things from the floor at home without disposable gloves on, let alone in holiday rentals!).

The only negative really is that I now have a bad cold that the babies had picked up from nursery!

Edited May 11, 2021 by BelAnna

[OPTIMISTIC]

Well done for achieving so much    Im still working on things  still haven't managed to sit down outside on a bench let alone in a pub garden and having a meal in a cafe.  Please keep moving forward  you are doing fantastic 

[BelAnna]

26 minutes ago, OPTIMISTIC said:

Well done for achieving so much    Im still working on things  still haven't managed to sit down outside on a bench let alone in a pub garden and having a meal in a cafe.  Please keep moving forward  you are doing fantastic 

Thank you

It does sound like you made a lot of progress recently though with the way you responded after your dog had been to the groomers and with driving your grandchild to hospital.

In some ways sitting in a pub garden felt cleaner than sitting on a bench because we could see the table and chairs being cleaned before sitting down. It helps that I'm not very worried about Covid at the moment because the rate is so low and my household is mostly vaccinated (I've still got to have my second jab). I'm also a bit less worried about my main contamination fear (of stomach bug viruses/norovirus) because people have been mixing less so there is a bit less of it around; which does make me worried about restrictions lifting more!

I stuck to my 'safe foods' (e.g. nothing that's been handled too much and no meat) and used lots of sanitizer and wipes. I also didn't manage to get out of the car along the journey so I might be underplaying the role my OCD had on our trip! 

Weirdly I still don't think I could go to pubs and cafes in my own town (I haven't been into town for 5+ years). I think what helped was that I felt completely surrounded by contamination (and that I had no control over the contamination) so it felt like going into the local town was no worse than being in the holiday rental. I was very anxious at times so definitely didn't sail through it and if I had felt that I was 'clean' in the holiday house then I would probably have showered after going to the cafe and after sitting in the pub garden. Instead I was sort of 'forced' to sit with the anxiety and it worked. 

I need to work on doing some ERP at home this week though otherwise I'll just slip back into old habits. 

I'm also worrying a little bit about the fact that I have a cold this time and about what that means going forward (e.g. on the next visit maybe it will be a sickness bug) so will need to work on that with my therapist this week!

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BelAnna

[OPTIMISTIC]

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

Thank you

It does sound like you made a lot of progress recently though with the way you responded after your dog had been to the groomers and with driving your grandchild to hospital.

In some ways sitting in a pub garden felt cleaner than sitting on a bench because we could see the table and chairs being cleaned before sitting down. It helps that I'm not very worried about Covid at the moment because the rate is so low and my household is mostly vaccinated (I've still got to have my second jab). I'm also a bit less worried about my main contamination fear (of stomach bug viruses/norovirus) because people have been mixing less so there is a bit less of it around; which does make me worried about restrictions lifting more!

I stuck to my 'safe foods' (e.g. nothing that's been handled too much and no meat) and used lots of sanitizer and wipes. I also didn't manage to get out of the car along the journey so I might be underplaying the role my OCD had on our trip! 

Weirdly I still don't think I could go to pubs and cafes in my own town (I haven't been into town for 5+ years). I think what helped was that I felt completely surrounded by contamination (and that I had no control over the contamination) so it felt like going into the local town was no worse than being in the holiday rental. I was very anxious at times so definitely didn't sail through it and if I had felt that I was 'clean' in the holiday house then I would probably have showered after going to the cafe and after sitting in the pub garden. Instead I was sort of 'forced' to sit with the anxiety and it worked. 

I need to work on doing some ERP at home this week though otherwise I'll just slip back into old habits. 

I'm also worrying a little bit about the fact that I have a cold this time and about what that means going forward (e.g. on the next visit maybe it will be a sickness bug) so will need to work on that with my therapist this week!

 

As you say keep moving forward as your holiday gave you great progress  My daughter has just booked a caravan holiday for beginning of July so hopefully by then I would have made more progress    Had a wobble a few days ago but feeling stronger again now.   I've been watching others doing things,  and feel that as restrictions are being lifted because cases etc are low I just want to get on with life and not worry so much.  Everything ocd puts worries into my head i think what others are doing and apply rules given on NHS site 

Good luck keep the good work up 

[BelAnna]

Thank you Optimistic! 

That's lovely that you're going on holiday in July. I know that the prospect of it will feel a bit daunting but once you're over the initial hurdle of getting there/settling in, it will hopefully be worth it!

I'm sorry you had a bit of a wobble in the last few days but you're right that cases are really low and that it's an ideal time to take on some new challenges as well as to let yourself enjoy the late Spring/early Summer whenever possible. I'm going to have to do the same!

I hope you start to feel better over the next few days! 

[OPTIMISTIC]

Thank you