Don't know what to do

[Pikachu]

I just wanted to say none of these thoughts are unusual for OCD sufferers. I used to worry about similar things to you as well - I’ve basically had all these thoughts and fears you have. 
I’m much better about these obsessions now, and you can be too. Keep it up

[Cora]

Thank you so very much, @Caramoole, @OxCD and @Pikachu. I really, really appreciate your help. 

I know this is very disappointing and I know that I should not be doing it but I feel awful. My brother was talking to his classmate/friend over the phone and when I heard them, I said something out loud thinking that I want the friend to hear me. How and why? What is wrong with me? Why in the world would I want attention from a 9 year old? I'm so annoyed and angry with myself. 

 

[PolarBear]

It is near impossible to not give you rhe reassurance you seek so, I hope the rest of your day is great.

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you so very much, @Caramoole, @OxCD and @Pikachu. I really, really appreciate your help. 

I know this is very disappointing and I know that I should not be doing it but I feel awful. My brother was talking to his classmate/friend over the phone and when I heard them, I said something out loud thinking that I want the friend to hear me. How and why? What is wrong with me? Why in the world would I want attention from a 9 year old? I'm so annoyed and angry with myself. 

 

Take the pain, feel awful, move on. It’ll get easier. You know the answers so stand up to it.

[Cora]

Hi, 

So I just can't sleep because this is still bothering me: 

On 09/05/2021 at 22:06, Cora said:

My brother was talking to his classmate/friend over the phone and when I heard them, I said something out loud thinking that I want the friend to hear me. How and why? What is wrong with me? Why in the world would I want attention from a 9 year old? I'm so annoyed and angry with myself

Okay, so I tried to let it go but I still think this is just way too creepy. 

I saw the same kid when I went to get my brother from school yesterday and I felt so weird about him.  

All of this makes me sick, I swear. 

[Caramoole]

The advice remains the same Cora. It is very naive to think that this intrusive thought is just going to go away by "letting it go".  It won't.  It requires repeated, constant and ongoing work......then you will start to see improvement.

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

The advice remains the same Cora. It is very naive to think that this intrusive thought is just going to go away by "letting it go".  It won't.  It requires repeated, constant and ongoing work......then you will start to see improvement.

Yes, @Caramoole, I know you are right but I guess this is more than just an intrusive thought, isn't it? 

[Caramoole]

Not answering that one  Back to some homework Cora

[MarieJo]

Cora. Until you truly accept you have OCD and really implement the advice things will not improve. In fact they will worsen. When you truly accept it's a disorder and that you are not evil, depraved, perverted, you will start to recover albeit slowly. When you stop ruminating and doing compulsions things will improve even more. Trust me. I am living proof of this. In November I was so unwell and broken but now I feel almost normal again. I have suffered with OCD since i was 10. I am now 48 and still learning about this complex disorder. Nothing you feel or experience is unique to you believe us when we tell you this. Show yourself some kindness and empathy as you deserve a break. You will feel better when you stop this catastrophic behaviour pattern x

[malina]

Hey @Cora,

when are you seeing your therapist again? I noticed that for some time, you were making progress, but you're descending back into confessing your thoughts/behaviours on a regular basis now, seeking reassurance etc. You need to get back on track asap! I agree with @Caramoole that 'letting it go' isn't really enough, you need some structure and a plan to keep you moving forward.

[Cora]

2 hours ago, MarieJo said:

Cora. Until you truly accept you have OCD and really implement the advice things will not improve. In fact they will worsen. When you truly accept it's a disorder and that you are not evil, depraved, perverted, you will start to recover albeit slowly. When you stop ruminating and doing compulsions things will improve even more. Trust me. I am living proof of this. In November I was so unwell and broken but now I feel almost normal again. I have suffered with OCD since i was 10. I am now 48 and still learning about this complex disorder. Nothing you feel or experience is unique to you believe us when we tell you this. Show yourself some kindness and empathy as you deserve a break. You will feel better when you stop this catastrophic behaviour pattern x

Thank you very much for this, @MarieJo. 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Hey @Cora,

when are you seeing your therapist again? I noticed that for some time, you were making progress, but you're descending back into confessing your thoughts/behaviours on a regular basis now, seeking reassurance etc. You need to get back on track asap! I agree with @Caramoole that 'letting it go' isn't really enough, you need some structure and a plan to keep you moving forward.

Hey @malina, 

Well, unfortunately, as long as I see someone from the Primary Care Team my therapist can't work with me due to the probability of contradiction between the two different techniques. I have two more appointments with the Primary Care Team (one at the beginning of June and one at the end of June). Only I'm done with them, I can contact my therapist and maybe try therapy again. 

I just feel really upset because for the past week I've had this weird general feeling - I'm not sure if it is a form of depression but I do have lost my interest in everything, have no/very little appetite, feel quite sad and negative about myself - and I feel how I'm going back to my old pattern of revisiting some specific past incidents. Thankfully, I have your advice (I revisited the old posts) but I feel like it's turning into a compulsion as I have the urge to read it over and over again. I was doing well with this but I'm back to questioning whether I'm a child abuser or not. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Cora