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Hi! I haven’t posted in quite some time, but I read/lurk often.

So, around Dec last year I decided I’d make a concerted effort to stop doing compulsions, or at least minimise them and work on focusing elsewhere. It’s been tough, but I think I’ve made considerable progress there.

I’m also attempting to get a formal diagnosis and therapy. I wasn’t certain I needed therapy, but I think it’d be helpful as I always seem to be one bad week away from a bad obsession. 

Which leads me to now. My sexuality ocd has developed away from “what if I’m actually into men/straight?” to the somehow worse “what if I’m not into women/gay?” I don’t even know what I’m worried I am anymore, it just seems intent on making me doubt aspects of my identity to no particular end, just my own frustration/misery. So uh, same old?

I’ve done relatively well avoiding compulsions. I refocus and move on. My issue is whenever I’m reminded of being a human being with a sexuality, I feel a background wave of anxiety. I’m relatively active in feminist groups so being reminded of lesbianism is super common when I’m online lol, and my first instinct is to be avoidant. I told myself that until I get less anxious about this worry, until it has become calmer, I can just avoid thinking about it (bc whenever it comes up, I get a massive urge to do checking compulsions/the wave of anxiety). 

I don’t know where to go from here honestly. To avoid the compulsions I feel I need to not think about it or encounter anything about it at all. Is that fine? Until I stop feeling so anxious? Is it just baby steps? I don’t know. I need advice. I hope I’m at least in part doing the right thing and that these associations of guilt/anxiety leave soon. 

Other than that, I can focus elsewhere and lift myself out of anxiety fairly well. I’ve had some enjoyable days. It’s just whenever I encounter it or come to think of it naturally (though even there my anxiety has been pouncing on it less immediately/strongly. Yay?)

Thank you for any advice everyone. ?

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Also: not doing compulsions feels counter intuitive, even though I’m aware it’s not. I know when I did checking compulsions in the past I got very quickly to the idea this was a silly worry, and now I’m not allowing myself to check, the obsession lingers. Ultimately I know the way I’m dealing with it now will hopefully ensure long term success and a return back to ‘normal’ soon. 

But that’s the thing. Am I doing this right? And when do things start to feel normal again, and I’ll feel able to trust my own perceptions of my life?

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Ik I’m being annoying, but my problem is the not knowing whether my small bouts of avoidance are acceptable whilst I curb the worst of my compulsions, or something awful that will lead me back to a bad place. 

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Avoidance is a compulsion. It is unrealistic you are going to conquer all your compulsions at the same time, so if you want to wotk on orhers for a bit while letting the avoidance slide, that's fine.

Just do long as you know that that compulsion will have to go too. 

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17 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Avoidance is a compulsion. It is unrealistic you are going to conquer all your compulsions at the same time, so if you want to wotk on orhers for a bit while letting the avoidance slide, that's fine.

Just do long as you know that that compulsion will have to go too. 

Okay, thank you PolarBear.

I’ll continue as I was for a week and then get back about how I’m doing and how to approach my avoidance. 

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Hey everyone. I’m just a bit bummed right now. I still haven’t gotten over my avoidance, but more than that, a new pointless worry has joined the scene. 
 

Effectively, I like being gay. I like the culture, the friends I have made, etc. I would be sad to find out I wasn’t. (If i were either straight or asexual). And part of my worry is now: well, because I would be upset, I must actually be lying to myself about it and am in denial. Or if I ‘truly knew’ (somehow? Subconsciously?) that I wasn’t gay, I clearly would not admit it to myself for fear of upsetting myself. I am ingratiating myself into a community I ‘might not be part of’. 
 

Now, realistically, I can see this is OCD trying to give me another route of worry to go down. But more depressingly, I just felt ‘better’ about it when I was doing compulsions. If I consider the sum of my experiences, I know I’m likely 95% percent sure of my sexuality. I could always quickly remind myself of that and be done with it (that is, until the obsession would crop up again). Not doing compulsions is actually quite hard, bc it’s like a lingering demon in the background I am holding off facing. 
 

I just want to trust myself again. Like yes, I would be upset. But I still know there’s no point to this worry if I just trust my own experiences and be done with it. Every single person in the world could wake up every day and think “****, what if I’m wrong about my sexuality?” and ruminate on it, but no one does! At least, those without OCD or severe paranoia can see it’s an inorganic worry and just carry on with trusting their own experiences of the world. 
 

I’m just sad, I feel like I know everything but can only implement not thinking about it (so not checking etc) but still partaking in avoidance. I know who I am, but I can’t let this go, or it feels /: like a long way off. I’m comforted by the thought everyone could worry but doesn’t, bc I know I can accomplish that. But it feels so annoying in the meantime, I get hot flushes of anxiety that make me doubt myself more, even though I know it’s just in reaction to a distressing obsession. I hate it 

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But isn’t that the issue, the thought of ‘but what if I’m not?’ If I just chose to ignore it, I could be denying my true self and compromising my happiness.

But then I also see what you mean realistically, bc if my fear truly was the case, I would almost certainly realise it organically at some point and not through an obsession

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11 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

If you're happy being gay, then just be gay. The rest is irrelevant and not worth your time.

I wish I could just do this and logically I can see I should. I wish it were just as easily done as it is said. ?

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5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I know. Overcoming OCD is relatively simple but it's hard.

You have to practice the right moves until you get it right. Then keep on doing it.

Have you ever (you probably have) when not doing avoidance, just sat through the wave of anxiety and come out the other side? I always imagine it’d be upsetting and cause another obsession, or make me start having a panic attack. I’m nervous about quitting avoidance. 
 

also I’m not sure if you saw my message before I quoted you, maybe it does not matter though. 

Edited by Pikachu
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Yeah, I learned to do exactly that. Get a spike of anxiety, dont do the compulsion, including ruminating, breathe through it. The more you practice, the less time it takes gor the anxiety to subside.

 

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15 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Yeah, I learned to do exactly that. Get a spike of anxiety, dont do the compulsion, including ruminating, breathe through it. The more you practice, the less time it takes gor the anxiety to subside.

 

Okay, I’ll do my best. Thank you!

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