Slipping back

[Cora]

Hi, 

So as I've said in my lost post I feel like I'm slipping back into my old compulsive behaviours. I find myself thinking and wanting to revisit the past incidents more often now. I also feel like my mood, which was quite good for the past couple of weeks, is getting worse again. 

I probably know already what I have to do but at the same time I feel like I don't. I'm definitely much better at realising that this is OCD but I still doubt myself and my intentions most of the days. For example, earlier my brother was talking and playing to his friend over the phone while I was in the same room, and I kept imagining that kid as someone older whom I wanted to impress. And any time he would speak, I would have a groinal response. Things like this happen so often and they make me doubt what's actually going on behind all these thoughts in my head. It is probably OCD because I feel very anxious but at same time I feel other things as well and that scares me. 

On the bright side, today I managed to hug my brother without feeling that anxious. 

However, at the end of the day I'm scared I'm going to be a mess again. I'm scared that I'm going to experience another crappy summer, just like last year. 

Also, I realise how much I need constant reassurance and how awful I feel when I don't get it - it is definitely like a drug. Sometimes I can't even start the day without reassuring myself that I'm okay and didn't hurt anyone. 

I guess the reason for this post is asking for advice, although I've received it countless times. I just don't want to be as bad as I was 3 months ago. I really don't think I can manage that again. But it does feel like it's going to happen any time soon and it makes me feel really upset and hopeless.

Thank you.  

[Hdigtts]

The advantage you have over 3 months ago is that you have spotted it and know that there are things you can do, or stop doing, that can help you to feel a bit better. You just need to commit to it and really stick at it. The rewards will be there.

[Cora]

Hi, 

Today I'm feeling much worse. Last night I started worrying that maybe I behaved inappropriately while helping my brother get ready for school. Sometimes I help him pull up his trousers and usually I feel very anxious when I have to do it. Now I'm thinking that maybe I pulled up too hard once or twice. Also, while thinking about it last night, I had a feeling of excitment and it seemed like I would enjoy helping my brother in a sick way if I had to do it again. 

I feel like I have a problem of not being able to control my movements when I'm anxious and have direct contact with my triggers, mainly my brother and boyfriend's dog. I feel like because I'm so anxious I act on thoughts and urges without wanting to and it scares me. For some reason my mood is getting worse again and I'm starting to feeling more and more anxious and this is not helping.  

What do you think about this? Do you think I need to work more on controlling my body when I'm anxious and when around my triggers? Thank you. x 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cora

[Cora]

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Edited May 14, 2021 by Cora

[iamwesker]

Cora, we are going around in circles again and the only way to break this cycle is to STOP ruminating on the thoughts . I know it's really hard but you must accept the feelings and sensations are OCD. They are OCD today, they were OCD yesterday and they will be OCD tomorrow. You just have to keep the constant routine of labelling, not engaging and moving forwards with your day. I know it's easier said than done but you know what you've got to do. I just worry your constant reassurance-seeking on here could hinder your progress. You can fight this, come on!

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

For some reason my mood is getting worse again and I'm starting to feeling more and more anxious and this is not helping.  

 

It's not just some reason, the reason is the same one.  As long as you continue trying to control the situation by using the same faulty methods, you'll get the same results, fear & anxiety.

Quote

What do you think about this? Do you think I need to work more on controlling my body when I'm anxious and when around my triggers?

The absolute opposite! You need to work on understanding and acceptance of what OCD is, and does. Then you need to start working on looking at and identifying all the compulsions and avoidance that are keeping you ill.

[malina]

I don't really understand how the situation with your therapist works. I'm sorry if I'm talking complete nonsense, but from what you've described, it sounds like, when you were feeling your lowest, you had to stop therapy until you were okay enough to engage with it. Surely it's her job to help you get to a place where you're able to engage with the therapy?

I am probably misunderstanding the situation, but I just worry that without some professional help, structure and a plan, you're going to keep floating around like this.

[Caramoole]

1 minute ago, malina said:

from what you've described, it sounds like, when you were feeling your lowest, you had to stop therapy until you were okay enough to engage with it

I might be misunderstanding too but I thought the therapist initially stopped the therapy because Cora wasn't engaging with it & doing the homework.  She saw her again due to the crisis but referred her to the Crisis/Primary Care team and is now waiting until that is over as therapists won't both work together in case there's a conflict in therapy.  I think

[malina]

2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I might be misunderstanding too but I thought the therapist initially stopped the therapy because Cora wasn't engaging with it & doing the homework.  She saw her again due to the crisis but referred her to the Crisis/Primary Care team and is now waiting until that is over as therapists won't both work together in case there's a conflict in therapy.  I think

Ah okay, that makes sense!

I guess I'm just hoping that you, @Cora, are getting professional support because it seems like we are just stuck in the same old loop of confessing and reassurance seeking and I wasn't sure if you were seeing anyone now.

[Cora]

Hi @malina, @Caramooleperfectly described my situation. 

I have two more appointments with the Primary Care Team and only when I've completed them, I can contact my therapist again. I'm disappointed because I have to wait again and I'm scared I'm going to be worse without the help I need.  

[malina]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi @malina, @Caramooleperfectly described my situation. 

I have two more appointments with the Primary Care Team and only when I've completed them, I can contact my therapist again. I'm disappointed because I have to wait again and I'm scared I'm going to be worse without the help I need.  

But you are getting help, that is why you are seeing the primary care team. What kinds of work have you been doing with them?

[Cora]

Just now, malina said:

But you are getting help, that is why you are seeing the primary care team. What kinds of work have you been doing with them?

Well, that's the thing. They're not actually helping me. All they are doing is monitoring my mood. 

I've only had an appointment with them so far and that was an assessment. The lady I spoke to said she had some general knowledge about OCD but can't actually help me with CBT and ERP; she can only make sure that my mood is okay, I guess. 

[malina]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well, that's the thing. They're not actually helping me. All they are doing is monitoring my mood. 

I've only had an appointment with them so far and that was an assessment. The lady I spoke to said she had some general knowledge about OCD but can't actually help me with CBT and ERP; she can only make sure that my mood is okay, I guess. 

Ok I don't know much about primary care or how this works, but you have to admit that you do have struggles with your mood, which have prevented you from engaging with CBT. You have also had times when you've spiralled into a very, very low mood. So use this opportunity to find out how these people can help you with that, so that you have a back up in case you end up in a bad place. You say you are scared things will get worse, so they are here to help you with this. It's only a few weeks, then you can start CBT again knowing that you have support in place if things start to feel out of control again.

[Cora]

8 minutes ago, malina said:

Ok I don't know much about primary care or how this works, but you have to admit that you do have struggles with your mood, which have prevented you from engaging with CBT. You have also had times when you've spiralled into a very, very low mood. So use this opportunity to find out how these people can help you with that, so that you have a back up in case you end up in a bad place. You say you are scared things will get worse, so they are here to help you with this. It's only a few weeks, then you can start CBT again knowing that you have support in place if things start to feel out of control again.

You are right, @malina. Thank you. 

[malina]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

You are right, @malina. Thank you. 

Stay strong @Cora! I know we all go into therapy hoping the people will miraculously know what to do and help us get better, but they are all just people and you have to give them something to work with. Treat all of these visits as opportunities to get something in place, it's a series of steps but you've actually made it pretty far. You got the GP to finally take you seriously, you found a good therapist (compared to that initial person you were seeing who didn't help at all). You've got a system in place, it's all now a matter of time before you start moving through the ranks and see progress. Keep your chin up and do your best to stay on track until the time comes to see the therapist again.

[Cora]

6 hours ago, malina said:

Stay strong @Cora! I know we all go into therapy hoping the people will miraculously know what to do and help us get better, but they are all just people and you have to give them something to work with. Treat all of these visits as opportunities to get something in place, it's a series of steps but you've actually made it pretty far. You got the GP to finally take you seriously, you found a good therapist (compared to that initial person you were seeing who didn't help at all). You've got a system in place, it's all now a matter of time before you start moving through the ranks and see progress. Keep your chin up and do your best to stay on track until the time comes to see the therapist again.

Thank you so much, @malina.

[Cora]

13 hours ago, iamwesker said:

Cora, we are going around in circles again and the only way to break this cycle is to STOP ruminating on the thoughts . I know it's really hard but you must accept the feelings and sensations are OCD. They are OCD today, they were OCD yesterday and they will be OCD tomorrow. You just have to keep the constant routine of labelling, not engaging and moving forwards with your day. I know it's easier said than done but you know what you've got to do. I just worry your constant reassurance-seeking on here could hinder your progress. You can fight this, come on!

Thank you, @iamwesker. I appreciate your support. (I apologise for not replying sooner.)