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Checking, why do we do it? PLEASE help me?


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Hi now I know I always mention the same ruminations in dept so I won't do that anymore, I just want to know why do we check things.

Eg - say you have a fear of being a pedophile , I've read people checking , after having a thought to say touch their child when changing a nappy and they actually do touch slightly, is this part and parcel of the disorder, because I don't believe for one moment that person wants to be a child molester etc. 

Eg - someone with a knife fear, picks up the knife to test weather they would do anything with it and finds themselves moving it near themselves and panicking.

What I'm saying is, the 'check' or 'testing' in these on the spot moments, all they seem to do is make us worse, more confused and more guilty inside.

Is it just purely down to being a compulsion, I find it the hardest part to accept, I'd love someone to help me accept it.

I hold on to such guilt because I feel that in doing my little check/test whatever it was in the moment (totally unplanned) all it did was make me feel so evil and wrong and I've never got past it fully. A few split seconds of my life and I'm going over and over it.

I try to accept it's OCD because it's clearly the opposite of who I am, but it's still so baffling. And it leads me to beat myself up all the time, why did I do that, why didn't I just ignore it etc, why did I try to take it on.

I'm obviously not the only one who in these random moments with unwanted thoughts ends up doing little checks or whatever, well this only happened once for me, but it lead me to feel much worse when all I wanted to do was beat the illness.

For OCD to be able to say it's you, you're evil, it's a pretty strong hold its got on me.

Compulsions are meant to relieve anxiety but this one has just caused it at the highest level and never left me!

I don't want to go into it all I just want some words of wisdom regarding checking testing etc and why it happens and why we shouldn't beat ourselves up over it.

Why does this illness have the power to make us believe it's not an illness and that we ARE what we fear? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm not going to answer your question. You are yet again trying to draw us into one of your compulsions.

You are back to fixating on that one moment in time, letting an irrational fear get the best of you. You are playing OCD'S game by going over that moment in your head, trying to figure it out.

The truth is, there's nothing to figure out. What's done is done. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. 

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Checking provides a temporary relief but actually intensifies OCD. I haven’t read your previous posts so don’t know if we covering ground previously covered. You are giving OCD power by the acts of checking. This feature of the disorder is well explained in the books Overcoming OCD and Break Free of OCD and if you read the info pages on this site.

Edited by Angst
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What does it want us to believe, its not ocd? Probably so we continue with ocd, if this becomes convincing, instead of looking for reasons why it's not, maybe try something such as this could be ocd, I am OK with that, the fact is we are not just people with ocd, we are actually people with much more than just a mental illness,

I used to tap or check ALOT, I knew I had ocd but didn't understand it as much as I do now, I don't think that compulsion for me relieved anxiety, I would either do it because it didn't 'feel' right or because I was convinced I had to do it because I believed or thought of something bad happening for example, this is a compulsion, it was very controlled, probably exhausting, also if there was a number of times I did it, this would double etc or if my numbers changed, it just wouldn't stop, somehow I learnt to manage it, maybe through some kind of forced exposure because nothing you do really stops it, I am not sure but I rarely tap now, my other compulsions, including typing this are manageable, 

 

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3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Nobody ever replies

Sorry, but I have in the past, but you kind of ignore replies for some reason? Much like you have done with PB!

I have tried giving advice, & asked you a question in the past, but you don't reply?

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4 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Nobody ever replies

You know that's not true. The truth is, you don't like rhe replies you get. You want to play the compulsion game, which we are not going to do, especially with a member who has been at this for years.

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2 hours ago, felix4 said:

Sorry, but I have in the past, but you kind of ignore replies for some reason? Much like you have done with PB!

I have tried giving advice, & asked you a question in the past, but you don't reply?

I don't always check it so I can't remember if I haven't replied? 

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You know that's not true. The truth is, you don't like rhe replies you get. You want to play the compulsion game, which we are not going to do, especially with a member who has been at this for years.

I don't WANT to play the compulsion game, I don't WANT any of it. It's not enjoyable.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You know that's not true. The truth is, you don't like rhe replies you get. You want to play the compulsion game, which we are not going to do, especially with a member who has been at this for years.

I only have about 1/2 replies on my posts, off the same people, never anyone with anything new, just the same reply of we aren't answering. So it's abit pointless really for me on here. I read other posts where there are Reems of replies off numerous people but I don't ever have that. I get told to stop asking and that's about it. As though I'm enjoying being on here! I'd rather be anywhere else but on here. Will continue to battle it alone as usual. I know you are saying reassurance is unhelpful, I agree, but to have no kind of constructive response is even worse. Just go away basically. So I will. :(

 

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4 hours ago, Angst said:

Checking provides a temporary relief but actually intensifies OCD. I haven’t read your previous posts so don’t know if we covering ground previously covered. You are giving OCD power by the acts of checking. This feature of the disorder is well explained in the books Overcoming OCD and Break Free of OCD and if you read the info pages on this site.

The thing is I never usually check, I don't normally do this, it's just my fear turned into being about an 'action' rather than just battling intrusive thoughts and my reaction was to see if it was even possible in that moment that's it.

I don't plan to check, I didn't plan it, it just happened in the moment. The thoughts flooded in and before I knew it I'd reacted to them by doing this kind of test/check.

I felt sure I was in control and wanted to show that I wouldn't do it...but this made me then doubt myself and panic and feel 1000000 times worse. I'm so angry at myself.

It was meant to be a safe thing, I wasn't even panicking at the time, and before I knew it I ended up with these massive spikes of anxiety shooting through me. Almost like it blew me off my feet.

The thought was "is it possible to even do this" and I found myself checking if it was, supposedly in a safe way, but OCD soon turned it into a massive spike.

I don't wanna discuss it properly as I get told off for discussing it :(

 

it was basically "I'd never do that...is it even possible? Let me prove that I wouldn't do that, OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE?! 

Its hell :( I am not this person.

I don't want to do wrong, and OCD won't let me move on, I have fought and fought it, I can't stop blaming myself.

Im so mad at myself. 

I don't know why I reacted in this way when I'm usually so careful, why on this day did I decide to stand up to OCD only to be thrown under the bus

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I don't want to argue with anyone I'm just caught in a spiral that's alot harder to break away from than simply just to be told stop. I would if I could. I'm tired of not knowing if I'm entitled to move on and live, I can't tell if it's me or that I'm ill I just feel shame and guilt ALL the time. I don't wanna fight it anymore. Just want to be able to see it's OCD and keep seeing it until it leaves me for good.

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Hi @ocdsufferer85,

I understand what you are asking, but I personally don't know the answer. I really don't know the reason why we test ourselves, even though it makes us feel worse. I have wondered this in the past too because, as in your experience, it can set off a whole range of terrible feelings that last a long time. However, as you pointed out, you know that this is a common feature of OCD and that others do the same, so can you try to accept that you were just showing a symptom of your disorder, without fully understanding the rationale behind that symptom?

Are you getting any professional help at the moment?

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1 hour ago, malina said:

Hi @ocdsufferer85,

I understand what you are asking, but I personally don't know the answer. I really don't know the reason why we test ourselves, even though it makes us feel worse. I have wondered this in the past too because, as in your experience, it can set off a whole range of terrible feelings that last a long time. However, as you pointed out, you know that this is a common feature of OCD and that others do the same, so can you try to accept that you were just showing a symptom of your disorder, without fully understanding the rationale behind that symptom?

Are you getting any professional help at the moment

Everyone tells me. Because that's what OCD does. It's just hard whilst having OCD accepting a vague answer. If we could all accept it we wouldn't have it ?

I am gonna try to not rationalise it as it makes me worse and doesn't help.

No I'm not under any help at the moment, I've had rounds and rounds of CBT I don't want more at the moment. 

Been doing alot better but I've reduced my medicine to a low dose and I'm suffering from dips and bad spells...but I don't want to be on the maximum dose forever! 

I dropped from 200mg sertralene to 50mg daily.

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Ocdsufferer, I hear your frustration. I know uou want out of this. But what you are doing is keeping you stuck. I have been trying to get you unstuck.

For years now you kept coming here asking questions about that one moment in time. You fear you said something bad. You want to know if OCD made you say it and why. I get that. I know that's what you want.

But it doesn't do you any good. No answer you have been given has ever stopped your fixation on the topic. No future answer will either. Us trying to placate you by answering your questions is playing the compulsion game. It is us assisting you with compulsions.

Your way has not worked. You are still stuck, your mind fixated on that one moment. You will remain stuck so long as you keep doing the same old compulsions.

You are not alone. We have several long term members here who are stuck in their own versions of hell. We try very hard not to help them with their compulsions either.

 

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2 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

If we could all accept it we wouldn't have it ?

Absolutely, but I still think you need to work on accepting it, it's a gradual process but you have to make a start. If you had a fever and were told you had the flu, would you just accept it? Even if you didn't know the mechanism behind why the flu can cause your body temperature to increase?

OCD is an illness like any other and testing is a common part of it. Many people find it hard to accept that their concerns are caused by OCD. OCD attacks your very character and makes you believe that you are a bad person and it's hard to accept an alternative and much simpler explanation, that you have an anxiety disorder that is making you believe something which isn't true.

I think you're hoping that someone will give you the answer that will enable you to finally accept this as OCD so that you can move on. OCD doesn't work like that. You have to learn to accept it as OCD in spite of not having an answer. You need to learn to live with the vague and the uncertain. I know you won't like this answer but this is at the core of recovery.

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On 14/05/2021 at 16:27, malina said:

Absolutely, but I still think you need to work on accepting it, it's a gradual process but you have to make a start. If you had a fever and were told you had the flu, would you just accept it? Even if you didn't know the mechanism behind why the flu can cause your body temperature to increase?

OCD is an illness like any other and testing is a common part of it. Many people find it hard to accept that their concerns are caused by OCD. OCD attacks your very character and makes you believe that you are a bad person and it's hard to accept an alternative and much simpler explanation, that you have an anxiety disorder that is making you believe something which isn't true.

I think you're hoping that someone will give you the answer that will enable you to finally accept this as OCD so that you can move on. OCD doesn't work like that. You have to learn to accept it as OCD in spite of not having an answer. You need to learn to live with the vague and the uncertain. I know you won't like this answer but this is at the core of recovery.

I'm so annoyed at myself, for testing , but I should really blame the ocd for causing the whole thing. I will keep trying and trying and trying! 

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Hiya. I know how you feel about not usually getting many replies. I posted a similar post about a month back.

You check usually to prove you're not what you fear. You check because you want a clear and decisive answer of....no you are not a paedophile or no you would never use that knife on anyone. However, quite often testing doesn't go the way we plan. Either our anxiety gives us a physical feeling which makes us panic that we really are bad/evil or we feel tremendously guilty for testing in the first place.

On 15/05/2021 at 22:54, ocdsufferer85 said:

I'm so annoyed at myself, for testing , but I should really blame the ocd for causing the whole thing. I will keep trying and trying and trying! 

Try to forgive yourself for testing. Learn from it as it's obviously caused you lots of anxiety and misery. Leave it in the past. It's part of the disorder that's all..it says nothing about you. Try to stop ruminating as it will get bigger in your mind otherwise like a snowball. The more you engage with the memory the worse it gets, the bigger it seems and the more your brain latches into it.

 

 

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6 hours ago, MarieJo said:

You check usually to prove you're not what you fear. You check because you want a clear and decisive answer of....no you are not a paedophile or no you would never use that knife on anyone. However, quite often testing doesn't go the way we plan. Either our anxiety gives us a physical feeling which makes us panic that we really are bad/evil or we feel tremendously guilt.

 

 

Hi @MarieJo

Thanks for your kind message 

Was lovely to read something like that when you feel so alone. 

I know reassurance seeking isn't the best way to go but I also felt I did need to ask if I wasn't alone in such a scenario, I just need to stop asking and accept it's ocd. 

I actually do 99% accept it for good spells of time, it's just when that 1% comes to drag me down...rising it up to 99% not believing it's ocd! That 1% is the doubt that ocd needs to keep me poorly.

You know the 'test' thing or whatever, it wasn't even something I'd planned on, I think it was because it had found something I was CERTAIN I wouldn't do, i felt like I could ok instead of run away from the idea, kind of SHOW or PROVE to ocd that I would beat it, does this make any sense? 

That's how I feel it went..but of course over the years it's spiralled into this huge thing of well 'im an evil person who tried to do an evil thing' etc when it was just an on the spot decision to fight that backfired dramatically and almost instantly...that's why I feel so mad about it, because I just feel like I failed and I don't know how it tricked me into this position.

I'm not gonna replay it, gonna keep the positive advice in the front of my head and see how I go with that. 

I know I haven't changed or become a bad person, and the illness has caused it all, so I am gonna try to block that horrible ocd voice that tells me it's my fault and that I can't move on.

Thank you for the boost!

:)

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16 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Hi @MarieJo

 

I actually do 99% accept it for good spells of time, it's just when that 1% comes to drag me down...rising it up to 99% not believing it's ocd! That 1% is the doubt that ocd needs to keep me poorly.

 

 

I know exactly what you mean. We seem very similar with our OCD issues. I manage it pretty well but occasionally it comes on top. I also understand your testing and how it has backfired, the same has happened tome in the past. I agree that reassurance is not good for recovery but sometimes just knowing you are not alone and knowing that what we are experiencing is very typical of other ocd sufferers really helps.  I felt like I was the only person on the planet who had these issues before I knew what it was..and just knowing it was OCD and i was not alone was so helpful, better than any therapy i have ever had. You can always private message me if you want to xx

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  • 1 month later...
On 20/05/2021 at 16:37, MarieJo said:

I know exactly what you mean. We seem very similar with our OCD issues. I manage it pretty well but occasionally it comes on top. I also understand your testing and how it has backfired, the same has happened tome in the past. I agree that reassurance is not good for recovery but sometimes just knowing you are not alone and knowing that what we are experiencing is very typical of other ocd sufferers really helps.  I felt like I was the only person on the planet who had these issues before I knew what it was..and just knowing it was OCD and i was not alone was so helpful, better than any therapy i have ever had. You can always private message me if you want to xx

Wow how kind thank you :) I haven’t been on in a while sorry for the late reply. Had a horrible panic today so I signed in :(

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