I just want to give up and cry ?

[SarahW]

Hiya, 

In my previous posts, I spoke about having high levels of anxiety surrounding the renting of a new property. I have trouble with ‘magical numbers’ affecting my daily life and my OCD in general has become worse over the last year, mainly because I’ve been struggling to come to terms with a long term break-up. Recently, I started looking at properties to rent. This is the first time I’m living alone and I needed everything to be ‘perfect’.

I found a property I liked and had my offer accepted today. I was secretly hoping that the offer was declined though because when I viewed the property for the first time, I broke one of my number rules as I entered the property and now things are not ‘perfect’.

I know life can’t be ‘perfect’ but I feel like I’ve let myself down as I’d been so careful about not breaking this rules when viewing other places. Why did it have to happen on this property? I just feel mostly sick at the thought of moving in and not excited as I should be. What should I do? 

Any thoughts really welcome.

Thanks in advance, 

Sarah x

 

 

[PolarBear]

Move in. You are trying to live up to an impossible standard based on a silly, illogical rule.

The more you do compulsions around rhese rules, the more serious and threatening the situation seems. Do less compulsions and the opposite happens. You'll begin to see all of this is based on a lie.

[BelAnna]

That's great that you've had an offer accepted on a flat! (and that you put in the offer despite your OCD!). 

I agree with Polarbear- the number rule is all just one big fat OCD lie. You liked the flat, so you did what you should and put an offer in! 

The feelings of dread and anxiety that you feel might in part be caused by the OCD but it's possible that underlying those feelings are real fears about living alone for the first time and that that is why you feel that everything has to be perfect. 

Numbers have no inherent meaning. They're just one of many things that OCD can attach importance to. If you're really struggling with this then it might be a good idea to see your GP for a referral to a CBT therapist or look for private CBT therapy .

Edited May 14, 2021 by BelAnna

[Angst]

Agree with previous comments - go for it!

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, SarahW said:

I broke one of my number rules as I entered the property and now things are not ‘perfect’.

You created the rule so you can break it.  The anxiety around it is sustained because you will be constantly thinking about it going over it in your head.

This is good news really......None of the rules, rituals, compulsions are actually automatic or out of our control....We create all of them, we do this as a means of trying to control our circumstances and our anxiety.  It doesn't work.  Over time it creates a worse situation where the things we started to do to prevent anxiety create more and more anxiety because our world is so restricted by the fear of breaking our own rules.

If you think about entering a property it has, and can't have any influence on anything.  You don't have the power or magical qualities to be able to influence a building, the future or anything.  Well.....that's not entirely true, you do have the power to influence the future by your actions, good or bad but largely by what you do, think and expect.

The first realisation you have to learn and accept is that the thoughts and fears are as a result of your anxiety and OCD

[SarahW]

Thank you for all your responses.

I completely agree with everything you are all saying. I’ve always known how irrational the rules are...and I’ve been trying recently to avoid during certain compulsions to try and break the habit.

I guess I was just hoping that this ‘fresh start’ for me wasn’t going to be impacted by the OCD. As I said above, I’d been so careful when I’d viewed other properties and then I slipped up on this one. I know that the numbers mean nothing and that stepping into a property thinking about a certain number won’t have a direct link to anything bad happening...if just makes me feel unsettled and sad that I will look back on this exciting time knowing that I’d thought of this rule break.

My earlier message was very much out of sadness and disappointment that despite all of my best efforts to move forward, and having struggled through the hardest year of my life, the OCD still plays it’s part. I just didn’t need this on top of everything else. It’s easier said than done that I just shrug it all off and ignore the rule break! 

Sarah x

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, SarahW said:

.if just makes me feel unsettled and sad that I will look back on this exciting time knowing that I’d thought of this rule break.

 

1 hour ago, SarahW said:

 It’s easier said than done that I just shrug it all off and ignore the rule break! 

I know....we all know that it's not easy to shrug it off......but even if you can't, you can make a start and realise that you don't have to take that disappointment forward into perpetuity.  You don't have to look back, hopefully you can move forward to a place where thinking about "Rule Breaks" are a thing of the past.

You've been through a horrible time, breaking up with a long term partner isn't easy at all and as BellaAnna said, moving into a new home on your own is a difficult thing in itself.  Be kind to yourself.....but try and look at it as perhaps being a line in the sand moment where you decide to start and make changes to how you've dealt with things before.  It won't come right overnight, it might start with small changes and a good start is to look hard at the language, the conversations we're constantly having with ourselves......like Failure, Breaking a Rule ec etc......Think, My OCD is making me think this way.

It's a big thing to do all ways round but you can do it.  You might just look back on this time not thinking about the rule break but about how it was tough, but how it was the beginning of a huge change for the better.  I hope so

[snowbear]

8 hours ago, SarahW said:

I guess I was just hoping that this ‘fresh start’ for me wasn’t going to be impacted by the OCD.

If I had a pound for every time I've wished that in my life I'd be a multi millionaire.

Something to get your head around: 'a fresh start' isn't the same as 'untainted and perfect'.

Right now it feels like OCD has ruined the new place before you've even moved in. There's a sense of unease.

I'm willing to bet you believe the cause of that unease is that you had OCD thoughts about the place or broke an OCD rule.

Took me decades to accept the truth: the sense of unease is your brain resisting the realisation that you cannot outrun OCD.

Here's something to take with you into your new place...

This is a fresh start. Not an attempt to outrun OCD by starting over and then keeping your new life untainted by it, but an opportunity to stand up to OCD and learn to overcome it so your new place becomes the happy home you want it to be.

[SarahW]

Thank you @Caramoole and @snowbear for your replies.

9 hours ago, snowbear said:

Right now it feels like OCD has ruined the new place before you've even moved in. There's a sense of unease.

You are spot on with this! I feel continuously sick at the thought of moving in - I think more sick and anxious than I’ve ever been. I am tempted to just call the estate agents and pull out of the agreement but in doing so I would break some of my other OCD rules...so I’m stuck with the decision.

I know that I’ll eventually move in but I’m just so disappointed that I can’t change the rule break. 

9 hours ago, snowbear said:

This is a fresh start. Not an attempt to outrun OCD by starting over and then keeping your new life untainted by it, but an opportunity to stand up to OCD and learn to overcome it so your new place becomes the happy home you want it to be.

@snowbear, you talk about ‘learning to overcome it’...any suggestions as to how I can ease my current anxiety and sickness feeling? 

Thanks,

Sarah x

[OPTIMISTIC]

Hi my ocd issue is with contamination from covid at present. .  However I can see a similarity here with the idea of something being tainted.  Where you feel that moving into your new flat has been tainted by your ocd around numbers I think that is what you referred to - sorry if I've misunderstood this,  my safe place my home has been tainted by my family going to tutor and horse riding and as far as tutor goes not changing clothes when returning.   What I'm trying to get at is that I have had to let go of my worry and remember it is the ocd talking.  Also by letting go of the thoughts I feel stronger and feel I have made some progress.  I know it is difficult to let go of ocd thoughts but just think of how happy you will feel.  A new start in a new home  Enjoy your new home

[SarahW]

Hiya @OPTIMISTIC, thanks for your reply. 

10 minutes ago, OPTIMISTIC said:

What I'm trying to get at is that I have had to let go of my worry and remember it is the ocd talking. 

I completely agree with what you are saying. I don’t want to let OCD win. I want to say to myself ‘who cares if you thought of the number 26 when you first entered the new house’...but I do care and I feel that I’ve let myself down. I’ve been taking steps to overcome some of my OCD rules already but I just wasn’t ready to overcome such a big rule break. 

I’m struggling to deal with it on my own hence why I reached out on the forum.

Thanks again for your thoughts,

Sarah x

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, SarahW said:

but I do care and I feel that I’ve let myself down

That's probably being fuelled by the  conversation aka rumination that's going on in your head....the constant thinking.  Try and have a look at this rumination and how often it's going on.  It can seem automatic but isn't, it is we that are engaging in it.  When you notice this internal thinking going on, make a conscious effort to stop.  Yes, your mind will keep creeping back, you've got very used to doing this but you can work to gradually change things.  Give it a go for he rest of today.  Notice when you slip into rumination and then stop the conversation.  Have a practise and see how you get on

[SarahW]

I hear you @Caramoole and I will try this out for the rest of the day. (Your advice has got me out of bed, which is the first step!)

I know that my rule break has happened. I know that there is nothing I can do about it now and over-thinking about it is really not helping the situation. (I just wish I could turn back time!) I have recently been trying to ignore certain rules and refrain from some rituals but it has meant that I am in a constant ‘foggy’ state of mind. My life doesn’t feel settled, and now that I have ‘tainted’ my new house, this ‘fogginess state’ has only got worse. I fear that I will never achieve a sense of peace and calm moving forward - and I really crave this feeling. Is it ‘normal’ to feel this way?

Sarah x

[Caramoole]

Quote

 (I just wish I could turn back time!)

Well you can't

Honestly, look at these conversations.......look at the adjective and phrases you're using, words like "tainted"  Imagine......if you could step out of your head and imagine this as scene where "your voice" was a nasty vile neighbour who came out every time you left the house, or shouted through your windows for hours a day....shouting awful, negative things, calling you a failure etc etc.  You/d feel wretched & depressed, you'd possibly call the Police.  This is what you're doing to yourself.  Try stick with this exercise of observing what you're doing and then trying tp apply a "Stop to the conversation

[snowbear]

12 hours ago, SarahW said:

you talk about ‘learning to overcome it’...any suggestions as to how I can ease my current anxiety and sickness feeling? 

There's no way to avoid the anxiety, sickness and unease. But what you can do is change your attitude towards it.

I live with constant pain and it was in learning to manage my pain that I saw the parallel with OCD and how the same techniches can be applied.

For example, when you have acute pain you probably think 'ouch, ouch,ouch, pain is the worst, normal life can't go on while I feel like this.'  You focus on the awfulness of pain which guarantees the pain will totally dominate your thoughts such that you can't function to do anything else. With short term (acute) pain that's ok, it doesn't last. Eventually the pain goes and you can get on with your day again.

But with chronic pain it's there 24/7. (Like many people's OCD.) You can't lie in bed rocking and moaning all day every day, year in year out. There comes a time when there's no option but to focus on something else, to think 'Yup, I'm in agony, BUT that's how living feels now.' There's no point waiting for the pain to go away before you get out of bed and eat/work whatever because it won't ever go away.

At first you think that's unimaginable, that you can't bear it, that life simply can't go on - but it does. After a while you stop thinking of the pain as 'the worst' and accept it's there without continuously thinking 'pain is awful'.  You discover you can function in spite of it being there and then you discover the times you think 'Pain is awful'   it feels much more intense than the times you think 'Pain is just how living feels, now what was I doing....'

OCD is exactly the same. When you tell yourself 'breaking a rule is awful, things feel tainted, normal life can't proceed because of it'   in effect you're lying in bed rocking and moaning and waiting for the discomfort to pass. If you can change your attitude so that you shrug and say 'feeling uneasy is the new norm, get up and get on with life!' the uneasy feeling eventually becomes less intense and stops dominating your thoughts.

I don't know if I've explained that terribly well. I suppose in short it's where we say you have to take a leap of faith and trust the anxiety will reduce a lot of people get stuck on taking the leap because they aren't pushed into it. With chronic pain you get pushed off the cliff edge like it or not!

Pain gave me the courage to 'take the leap of faith' by making me realise my attitude to it determined how intense the pain I experienced was. And in the same way my attitude to things being tainted as being 'the worst' kept the feeling of unease/sickness intense and stopped me moving past that to accept things can be 'tainted' and it's got nothing to do with how they function or whether you're happy or not.

I still have pain 24/7, but it no longer defines my life, me, or my ability to be happy.

[SarahW]

Thanks @Caramoole... I like the analogy

I know that OCD just plays games with my mind and that it causes these irrational thoughts. I just hate feeling so unsettled and uneasy. All my posts are just coming from frustration and disappointment - I wouldn’t have minded breaking rules once I was living in my new house - I just wanted to not break a rule at the start..and I could have made this happen had I been concentrating!

@snowbear, I’m sorry to hear that you live with constant pain. It is inspiring to read how you took that ‘leap of faith’ and found a way to not let the pain control your life - there is much I can learn from this. I know it is important to ‘starve the OCD monster’ and as both of you have said, avoid giving it time and attention - something I’m guilt of doing.

Over the past year, I have felt more and more confident to try and overcome my OCD and have begun avoiding particular rituals. However, I really don’t know if I can ignore the rule break on my new house. I so badly want to pull out of the agreement and put an offer in on another property...I know it won’t be facing up to the problem and is letting OCD win but I can’t face another year of anxiety and stress  

Sorry to keep on about something that seems so minor! Thanks for your responses and for being there. I really value your support and really am taking onboard everything you are saying. 
 

Sarah x

[Caramoole]

33 minutes ago, SarahW said:

However, I really don’t know if I can ignore the rule break on my new house. I so badly want to pull out of the agreement and put an offer in on another property...I know it won’t be facing up to the problem and is letting OCD win but I can’t face another year of anxiety and stress  

Yes, you absolutely can, and should ignore it.  The ONLY thing that would change between this house or ducking out and opting for another is "a change in your thoughts and the things that you're saying to yourself"  Your expectation of a year of anxiety & stress is much the same, an expectation because you literally expect it and "poooof" it will happen because that's what you'll expect to happen.

Trust us......Snowbear and I are a couple of old birds with over a hundred years of experience between us   we've worn so many t-shirts we could have kept a factory in production!!

[SarahW]

Hiya, 

Thank you @Caramoole @snowbear @PolarBear for all of your comments above regarding the house move. I have reread them all and they have helped me calm my mind down. The number rule break still hangs over me but there is nothing I can do other than travel back in time to rectify it so I’m having to learn to deal with it! 

Yesterday, after a year and a half of storing my things at the place I shared with my ex (due to Lockdowns amongst other things), I’ve finally moved them out into my new place. The day was tough and emotional. On the most part, I managed to keep the OCD at bay. However, since coming away from my ex’s place, I’ve convinced myself that I’ve broken a rule that I can’t go back over now and fix. This rule is fixable (unlike the number rule break in the past), which makes it harder to ignore! I’m pretty certain that I didn’t break it but my mind is fixated on it and is convincing me that I did. I wanted to leave the old place in an ‘OCD free’ way but now this rule break looms over me. It saddens me that on top of my emotions towards my break-up and my ex, this is how I’ve had to leave things.

I’m constantly feeling sick, and as a result of the thought, I’ve struggled to get motivated to do anything today. The rule break is an important one to me as it’s ‘perfect’ outcome links to the health and safety of a loved one. (Obviously in reality I know that it doesn’t but my OCD makes me think otherwise!)

Not sure what to tell myself. 
Sarah x

[Caramoole]

18 minutes ago, SarahW said:

Not sure what to tell myself

Yes you do   You tell yourself that this is OCD fuelled and can be safely ignored.  Indeed breaking it is a step towards freedom.  Work on the rumination and try to stop going over this thought.

[PolarBear]

Break more rules! Break them all! And keep breaking them!