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Hi guys I had an awful panic attack today after my daughter was sitting on my leg. I got totally paranoid that thinking of her sitting there and that I could harm her as her body was sitting on my body. I then prolonged it and the thoughts and feelings got worse and now I am devastated that my tensed leg that she was sitting on somehow interfered with her. Please someone help me, I feel very low x

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2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Why do you think you had an awful panic attack?

Hi Caramoole I’ve been having some very high anxiety. ? 

I had an awful attack cos I was thinking my leg was touching her body and possible intimate parts cos she was sitting on my leg.

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And if it did??  Today, there will have been multiple millions of youngsters sat on adult laps in similar positions.  I always tend to carry little ones straddled across one hip.....the difference is "the thought that accompanies" a normal act.....and the subsequent thoughts that follow the flash of anxiety.

But you know this Nikki really.  You have to let the fear flash, recognise a very familiar enemy (you know quite well from your therapist, here, that it's OCD) and then carry on, do nothing to change the situation........no adjustments, no putting her down....you carry on.  You watch your self-talk. You apply what you know. You wait for that flash of anxiety fall.

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12 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

And if it did??  Today, there will have been multiple millions of youngsters sat on adult laps in similar positions.  I always tend to carry little ones straddled across one hip.....the difference is "the thought that accompanies" a normal act.....and the subsequent thoughts that follow the flash of anxiety.

But you know this Nikki really.  You have to let the fear flash, recognise a very familiar enemy (you know quite well from your therapist, here, that it's OCD) and then carry on, do nothing to change the situation........no adjustments, no putting her down....you carry on.  You watch your self-talk. You apply what you know. You wait for that flash of anxiety fall.

But Caramoole I knew I was having those thoughts and I almost felt like my leg was lighting up with the feelings in it. It felt like my leg was doing something, how can that be just thoughts?

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Just now, Nikki79 said:

But Caramoole I knew I was having those thoughts and I almost felt like my leg was lighting up with the feelings in it. It felt like my leg was doing something, how can that be just thoughts?

I also kept continuing to do what I was doing to purposely scare myself.

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But, but, but.......I don't deal with buts nor debate with OCD :no:

Have you read that thread I pinned at the top of the forum?

You know all this Nikki. It's when these thoughts strike we have to put it into action.  It's not enough to understand the theory when we're feeling okay

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7 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

But, but, but.......I don't deal with buts nor debate with OCD :no:

Have you read that thread I pinned at the top of the forum?

You know all this Nikki. It's when these thoughts strike we have to put it into action.  It's not enough to understand the theory when we're feeling okay

I just need to know that I didn’t harm my child. That I did no wrong. 

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27 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

I just need to know that I didn’t harm my child. That I did no wrong.

This is where you have to start trusting yourself. Accept that your attempts to check and analyse the situation after the event are the problem rather than what you did/felt/thought at the time.

It's only OCD that is insisting on answers, making it feel important and threatening imaginary bad consequences.

Tell yourself it's unimportant and it's ok to let it go.

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2 minutes ago, snowbear said:

This is where you have to start trusting yourself. Accept that your attempts to check and analyse the situation after the event are the problem rather than what you did/felt/thought at the time.

It's only OCD that is insisting on answers, making it feel important and threatening imaginary bad consequences.

Tell yourself it's unimportant and it's ok to let it go.

I would love to do that cos at the moment I’m spending so much time ruminating that I should be spending enjoying my child. That’s sad to me, very sad. 
 

I don’t know why but trusting I didn’t do harm seems not to come easy to me.

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4 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

I don’t know why but trusting I didn’t do harm seems not to come easy to me.

It's not easy for anyone! Every person here isstruggling (or has struggled) with the same difficulty. But if you want things to change there comes a time you have to push through the difficulty regardless. You're lucky - you have a strong motive (spending quality time with your daughter.) Those with a reason to change usually do better than those without motive.

Use that to your advantage. When you catch yourself ruminating on having hurt your child, remind yourself you could be doing far more harm by letting OCD steal away the time you have with her. Switch the thoughts from 'What if I hurt her...' to 'I'm not going to let OCD spoil this time together'. :)

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1 hour ago, snowbear said:

It's not easy for anyone! Every person here isstruggling (or has struggled) with the same difficulty. But if you want things to change there comes a time you have to push through the difficulty regardless. You're lucky - you have a strong motive (spending quality time with your daughter.) Those with a reason to change usually do better than those without motive.

Use that to your advantage. When you catch yourself ruminating on having hurt your child, remind yourself you could be doing far more harm by letting OCD steal away the time you have with her. Switch the thoughts from 'What if I hurt her...' to 'I'm not going to let OCD spoil this time together'. :)

Thank you Snowbear. I will take what you said on board very well. ?

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Nikki as others have said this is your ocd and it sounds like this has been a concern for you.  I understand as a parent myself I have ocd harm fears about my kids.  I was diagnosed 25 years ago, but of course can remember times that I had ocd long before then, starting at like 3 years old.  Anyway my current ocd fears I feel are the worst I have dealt with.  Good luck.  

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12 hours ago, snowbear said:

It's not easy for anyone! Every person here isstruggling (or has struggled) with the same difficulty. But if you want things to change there comes a time you have to push through the difficulty regardless. You're lucky - you have a strong motive (spending quality time with your daughter.) Those with a reason to change usually do better than those without motive.

Use that to your advantage. When you catch yourself ruminating on having hurt your child, remind yourself you could be doing far more harm by letting OCD steal away the time you have with her. Switch the thoughts from 'What if I hurt her...' to 'I'm not going to let OCD spoil this time together'. :)

Snowbear. It’s so frustrating cos I really am trying to do the right thing but when like this morning I wake up and after a horrible dream and then my brain says I need to remember the dream in case anything happened in my sleep. Like just that thought alone freaks me out, like I need to even remember the initial thought and the dreams in detail to feel ok. Thanks for reading. 

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24 minutes ago, Hdigtts said:

I think that is just you looking for all of the answers though. That is never going to be possible so as difficult as it is you just need to try and move on :)

Thanks buddy, I’m sorry you suffer like me too. It’s no fun is it? You seem to be calm and accepting so good on you for that ? 

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4 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

Snowbear. It’s so frustrating cos I really am trying to do the right thing but when like this morning I wake up and after a horrible dream and then my brain says I need to remember the dream in case anything happened in my sleep. Like just that thought alone freaks me out, like I need to even remember the initial thought and the dreams in detail to feel ok. Thanks for reading. 

What you need to learn is that, despite having the thought/feeling that you must revisit the dream, you can choose not to. It is a valid choice. 

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3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

What you need to learn is that, despite having the thought/feeling that you must revisit the dream, you can choose not to. It is a valid choice. 

I feel my own brain is trying to make me believe things.

I really hate that every time my child comes near me lately it tries to tell me by me being in contact with her I’m doing wrong. Wherever my body is touching or whatever. It’s horrible 

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4 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Is it true Nikki?  Would you ever hurt your child in any way? Does your Dad think you're a dangerous person? Has he ever raised his concerns with anyone in authority about his concerns?

No I would never hurt her. I love her so much.  But like it’s at the stage now if I’m say kneeling on the couch and my leg is touching her area and she is brushing off me I think I’m doing bad. Just cos I am in contact with her, I’m thinking it and I’m thinking it’s meaning something bad. 

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29 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Is it true Nikki?  Would you ever hurt your child in any way? Does your Dad think you're a dangerous person? Has he ever raised his concerns with anyone in authority about his concerns?

For example right now right now my stomach just did flips cos she is playing with me hair and she is leaning against my spine. I’m having the thoughts then I can feel where her body is leaning on me and thinking it’s probably her groin and I can almost feel my spine moving towards her. It’s like it doing something. I could bawl crying cos I let this happen and how could I you know? 

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31 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

No I would never hurt her. I love her so much

So you know that there is NO danger.  That leaves thoughts, feelings & fear NOT danger, doesn't it? That leaves you with reaction & the ability to change it.  Think about that.

 

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she is playing with me hair and she is leaning against my spine. I’m having the thoughts then I can feel where her body is leaning on me and thinking it’s probably her groin and I can almost feel my spine moving towards her. It’s like it doing something. I could bawl crying cos I let this happen and how could I you know? 

I told you yesterday.....when I carry a toddler I sit them on my hip, one leg straddled in front, one behind.  That means the whole of their private are is against me.  Do I worry about it or even think about it?  No, my hip acts as a shelf to take their weight.  Am I dangerous Nikki?  I'm guessing you'll say no.  So what's the difference between you & I?  Reaction. Interpretation.  Absence of fear.

You must look at that reaction.  The first flash of fear may be there but it's your thoughts & reaction that maintain and sustain the fear.  Indeed it goes further than that.....you have to add expectation to the list.  Before you even do a thing....change her, bath her, play with her....you will already have the "What if it happens again" expectation sentry guard in place and you're so heightened and afraid it almost guarantees it will happen.

The only harm happening here is to you & your well-being and to your little girl.....who isn't getting the best of her Mummy.

You know all of this Nikki, you also know that if you implement the things your learned at your last therapy, you can move past this fear.  Have you read the article I pinned at the top of the forum?

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2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

So you know that there is NO danger.  That leaves thoughts, feelings & fear NOT danger, doesn't it? That leaves you with reaction & the ability to change it.  Think about that.

 

I told you yesterday.....when I carry a toddler I sit them on my hip, one leg straddled in front, one behind.  That means the whole of their private are is against me.  Do I worry about it or even think about it?  No, my hip acts as a shelf to take their weight.  Am I dangerous Nikki?  I'm guessing you'll say no.  So what's the difference between you & I?  Reaction. Interpretation.  Absence of fear.

You must look at that reaction.  The first flash of fear may be there but it's your thoughts & reaction that maintain and sustain the fear.  Indeed it goes further than that.....you have to add expectation to the list.  Before you even do a thing....change her, bath her, play with her....you will already have the "What if it happens again" expectation sentry guard in place and you're so heightened and afraid it almost guarantees it will happen.

The only harm happening here is to you & your well-being and to your little girl.....who isn't getting the best of her Mummy.

You know all of this Nikki, you also know that if you implement the things your learned at your last therapy, you can move past this fear.  Have you read the article I pinned at the top of the forum?

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I haven’t had a chance yet Caramoole but I will later, I promise.

Can I just ask how is it that my little girl isn’t harmed from the weird thoughts I’m having and then as I feel her leaning more into my back I felt myself moving more towards her and this scared the well you know what out of me but I felt it naturally happening. How can she not be harmed when she was leaning in to me? Please can you tell me? 

 

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