Compulsions

[Chris2020]

Hello I felt as if Inwas getting better. Im bot confident that my situation is ocd. Im stuck on a thought/feeling Ibhave done something such taboo its lead me down a rabbit hole of fear and loosing everything and everyone. Anyway im not sure what my compulsions are. I dont do any rituals to ease the anxiety like some people and I dont mean that to make fun as I understand ocd is a serious matter. 

All I find my self doing is whenever i think about what couod happen to me if the thought / feeling was true it terrifies me so I start to google things about ocd and when i read something reassuring it helps ease the anxiety. Even coming on here does also. Everthing I do is google everything in relation to ocd and how to prove how I havent done this awful thing but I know I will never find certainty. 

No some say this is a compulsion but wouldnt the normal person do this?

What are the statistics of someone believing they have ocd but then find out they have done this serious thing. I really, really hope to god this is ocd rather than it be true. My only bit of hope is time. I tell myself if i had done this awful thing wouldnt I have been in trouble by now. Not the right way of thinking i know but because it has consumed me for all this time i believe it and then try to prove I havent. Time is my only hope but thats just my head telling me this when in reality it might mean nothing at all. 

Ive have been getting bettet to the point in thinking "chris I can't beleive youve been feeling like this for nearly two years. Its absolutely ridiculous" is this a good thing? I feel as it is but then i question is it even ocd because i feelnim getting better and sometimes ignoring it. 

Thanks for listening 

[PolarBear]

I guarantee you do compulsions. Yes, Googling is a compulsion. The one you are missing, that I am sure you do, is ruminating. 

[Chris2020]

Going over and over everything, trying to remeber what I have apparently done, trying to fugure  out how the authorities operate to situations like this if it were true, thinking what life is going to be like, what prison is going to be like, loosing everything etc. Its just all gets ontop of me and scares me so much. I then look for answers and some sort of reassurance on the Internet. 

[PolarBear]

Exactly. Everything you wrote in the above post are compulsions. They are rirusls you fo in responsebto the thoughts.

And it is the compulsions, not the thoughts, that are keeping you stuck. Syop taking the thoughts seriously and stop the compulsions and it all goes away, over time.

[Chris2020]

I will do my very best. I have been doing that lately and it has been working. Just something has pulled me back into worrying lately and I dont want to fall back into that trap.

As always thanks PolarBear