Worried

[Cora]

Hi,

This post might get blocked as well but I'm really worried and need to share this with you. 

I keep noticing/thinking that children have physical features that make them look attractive. It happens a lot with boys. It happens everyday and anywhere I go - it just won't stop. It really worries me because it's a constant thing and I find it very hard to ignore. It makes me feel like a real peadophile, especially when I feel like I want the kids' attention as well (this is so gross!). 

Even just going for a walk worries me now because I know that I'll see a kid and think he/she is attractive. I just want it to stop. And because it keeps happening, my belief that I'm a paedophile gets much, much stronger. 

Please help me. I've ignored this for a very long time but I can't do it anymore. 

[Blondie]

Why do you want their attention? To test yourself?

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Blondie said:

Why do you want their attention? To test yourself?

No. I don't know why I want their attention.

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

This post might get blocked as well 

Hi Cora,

This statement shows you recognised you were looking for reassurance when you posted. Yet you went ahead and did it anyway.

What could you do better next time to resist that reassurance-seeking compulsion more strongly? Would it help to acknowledge that's what you're doing so you feel more able to sit with the unease by yourself? At some point you will have to learn how to reassure yourself, whether it's by accepting the thoughts or by being able to comfort yourself until the anxiety drops.

[Hdigtts]

7 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Hi Cora,

This statement shows you recognised you were looking for reassurance when you posted. Yet you went ahead and did it anyway.

What could you do better next time to resist that reassurance-seeking compulsion more strongly? Would it help to acknowledge that's what you're doing so you feel more able to sit with the unease by yourself? At some point you will have to learn how to reassure yourself, whether it's by accepting the thoughts or by being able to comfort yourself until the anxiety drops.

I think this is a really good observation! If you have that doubt then trust it’s OCD and try to sit with it

[Cora]

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

This statement shows you recognised you were looking for reassurance when you posted. Yet you went ahead and did it anyway.

 

1 hour ago, Hdigtts said:

I think this is a really good observation! If you have that doubt then trust it’s OCD and try to sit with it

I'm just really scared that this is not OCD as it happens all the time and it's just so, so creepy. 

[PolarBear]

So, in other words, yet again, you want reassurance that this is still OCD.

This is just the latest request for reassurance in a long list of requests. Reassurance seeking is a compulsion and we can't help you with compulsions.

[Andy333]

Maybe you are a paedophile?

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Andy333 said:

Maybe you are a paedophile?

Thanks. This is very helpful. I feel 10 times worse now. 

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, Andy333 said:

Maybe you are a paedophile?

56 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thanks. This is very helpful. I feel 10 times worse now. 

 

That's an interesting (and very revealing) response from you, Cora. I think it's worth taking a moment to consider this response further.

 

All this time you've reportedly been telling yourself 'These thoughts mean I'm a paedophile!'

So when Andy challenged you that maybe you're right, the expected response would be, 'OMG! You think so!!!! OMG! I knew it! I knew it wasn't OCD.'

Instead you retort with what sounds like anger, or possibly upset surprise.   Why would you be angry or surprised if someone was only giving you confirmation of what you already knew?

Could your response be because you didn't get the reassurance you were after, but got an unexpected challenge instead?

All this time you've been telling us, 'I can't believe it's OCD' while continually seeking reassurance that it is OCD.

I believe this response shows you know, at least on some level, that it absolutely is OCD and your ongoing protests and denial of the fact is your way of seeking comfort and reassurance about a topic that makes you anxious.

Sometimes people aren't aware that's what they're doing. We can lie to ourselves so effectively and convincingly that the cover story we tell ourselves starts to feel true. But when what you've been telling yourself is exposed for the cover story it is, perhaps it's time to sit quietly and let the facts sink in.

Next time you find yourself protesting loudly (in your own head) that these thoughts mean you must be a paedophile, just pause and again reflect quietly that maybe the shouting in your head is an attempt to drown out the advice you've been given, an attempt to postpone the moment where you have to accept you do have OCD. It's understandable people can be reluctant to accept it's OCD, because once you accept that as fact then the work has to begin to fix the thinking disorder you're suffering from.

No more distressed shouting, 'I must be a paedophile!'

Instead, 'I have a thinking disorder that makes me anxious whenever life challenges me with something that's important to me. I have to learn how to change my thinking, so I can cope with unwanted thoughts without getting distressed (and without needing reassurance from others.)

 

This is where the work begins! Scary at first, but rewarding once you get underway.

[worriedjohn]

OCD is tough but also OCD is simple. If you read your own threads for past few months, you may clearly see that all your threads has only one objective. You are repeatedly posting threads to make sure that you are not a pedophile  and you want 100% surety that there is no way you are a pedophile. But unfortunately this target is not achievable. You cannot outlogic your OCD doubt by logic or evidences or reassurance from others. So next time when you get the doubt and feel the urge to open a thread to achieve reassurance about that, stop yourself. Accept that you may be a pedophile or maybe you are not and you can't know it for sure. I know it is terrifying for you to accept that possibility but this is the only way out of this. If you don't move away from your target of achieving 100% certainty, you can't progress and reassurance is harmful for you, me and every OCD sufferer.

[malina]

Hey @Cora,

a couple of things, first of all, I completely agree with @snowbear. I don't believe you feel like a "true" pedophile, as you put it, you are just overwhelmed by these feelings and thoughts and you want someone to tell you it isn't true. When someone tells you it may be true, your response is to be angry at them for not giving you the reassurance you crave.

I think this is why this forum is now contributing to your problem rather than offering you a solution. When you post, most of the responses tell you to let it go, move on etc. From this, you can see that nobody has been freaked out by what you have said and this confirms we do not think you're a pedophile. This in itself gives you the reassurance that you crave.

Let's also be honest, when you're not posting your confessions, how much time do you spend on the forum reading others' posts, trying to find someone similar to yourself? I would bet it's a lot of time. This too is a compulsion. You are not working on letting it go or implementing the advice that you were given. You are just leaving a long enough period between posts so that people don't get too angry with you, while you go through other posts to fill the reassurance need.

I'm sorry if this comes accross as harsh, I don't mean to tell you off, it's just that you need to be made aware of how unhelpful this is for you.

13 hours ago, Cora said:

Please help me. I've ignored this for a very long time but I can't do it anymore. 

I think this is part of the problem, ignoring the thoughts isn't enough. You need to work on developing proper strategies, and most of all you need professional help from a CBT specialist that knows OCD. It is frustrating that you have to wait to finish with primary care before you can get therapy again, but it is necessary and you should try to use the service to the fullest extent.

I really hope that, as soon as you're done, you will try to find a therapist that you can work with regularly. You also need to ensure that you do the work they ask you to do.

I can't stress this enough, otherwise we will be here for another year with regular posts with your confessions and you will continue to be miserable.

[Caramoole]

5 hours ago, snowbear said:

Next time you find yourself protesting loudly (in your own head) that these thoughts mean you must be a paedophile, just pause and again reflect quietly that maybe the shouting in your head is an attempt to drown out the advice you've been given, an attempt to postpone the moment where you have to accept you do have OCD. It's understandable people can be reluctant to accept it's OCD, because once you accept that as fact then the work has to begin to fix the thinking disorder you're suffering from.

No more distressed shouting, 'I must be a paedophile!'

 

2 hours ago, malina said:

I think this is why this forum is now contributing to your problem rather than offering you a solution.

Agree very much with both of the above.

2 hours ago, malina said:

iIt s frustrating that you have to wait to finish with primary care before you can get therapy again, but it is necessary and you should try to use the service to the fullest extent.

You were referred to Primary Care to deal with a period of crisis.  It appears that this is all that's occurred, someone keeping an eye on you until the crisis has passed.  It's not enough for you to be seen by a CPN (or similar), you need a CBT Therapist but you have to be proactive in asking that your needs are met, you question what more can be done for you.  You go back to your GP (now you're in the system) and ask/tell them that you feel you need referring for some therapy.  Tell them that this is what one of the OCD charities have advised you should do.

You don't have to live like this Cora but you do have to start to make changes for yourself, you have to put the work in and you're not doing that.  You're ignoring most of the advice and waiting for a magical solution whereby you'll wake up one day and it will have stopped.  It won't sadly

[malina]

56 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Tell them that this is what one of the OCD charities have advised you should do.

Hi @Caramoole, is it possible for someone from the charity to help @Cora advocate for herself with the GP to get access to the right services? I just understand how hard it can sometimes be to get them to take you seriously and refer you to the right service, especially when it's someone young who doesn't have experience with the system.

[Cora]

Thank you, @snowbear, @malina, @worriedjohn and @Caramoole.

I really don't know what to say. I want to get better but it seems impossible even with all the advice I've been given. 

You are all right. I crave reassurance all the time because I actually don't want to be who I think I am. And I also contradict myself almost every day: one day I say I'm sure I have OCD, the other day I say I'm sure I'm a peadophile. And I guess that's because it's easier to complain rather than do the work. It's all a mess...

[Caramoole]

4 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi @Caramoole, is it possible for someone from the charity to help @Cora advocate for herself with the GP to get access to the right services? I just understand how hard it can sometimes be to get them to take you seriously and refer you to the right service, especially when it's someone young who doesn't have experience with the system.

Hmmm?  Ashley would be the best person to answer this one.  The charity can certainly advise on how to seek effective treatment and to help people source treatment at the specialist OCD centres and the course of action that's needed.  They offer advocacy support where someone has experienced misdiagnosis say that might effect their employment etc.  Despite being young, I think Cora would need to demonstrate that she has actively tried to ask for this help & yet been denied repeatedly.  I'm not sure that this Avenue has been explored fully from what Cora has mentioned.  The charity doesn't really have the manpower to to source treatment for sufferers in a general sense but would probably step in where they were finding it impossible.  I'll point Ashley to this so that he can answer the question

[Caramoole]

3 minutes ago, Cora said:

And I guess that's because it's easier to complain rather than do the work

You need to give this some proper thought Cora

Without the work, things won't improve.  You mentioned (that prior to this last crisis) your therapist had recommended you stop the therapy sessions because you weren't working with her and following her suggestions/doing the tasks & homework.  You have to have a shift in commitment if you want to improve how you feel

[malina]

3 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @snowbear, @malina, @worriedjohn and @Caramoole.

I really don't know what to say. I want to get better but it seems impossible even with all the advice I've been given. 

You are all right. I crave reassurance all the time because I actually don't want to be who I think I am. And I also contradict myself almost every day: one day I say I'm sure I have OCD, the other day I say I'm sure I'm a peadophile. And I guess that's because it's easier to complain rather than do the work. It's all a mess...

I know this is going to be harsh, but please believe that I'm saying it with the very best intentions. The mental healthcare system is far from perfect and you have to fight for yourself.

You are being very complacent when it comes to getting help. You have been given a lot of great advice, but it's hard to implement without a plan and without structure. This is why you need a professional who understands your condition and who can provide guidance in this process. You need to step up your efforts to get access to CBT. I know it's hard but it's achieveable if you try.

You have access to a great charity right here, even if they aren't able to provide individual support as @Caramoole points out, you can still seek advice for accessing the right services.

But even with these resources literally at your fingertips, your only solution is to engage in these unhelpful behaviours, the constant confessions and reassurance seeking.

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

It's all a mess...

This is just an excuse, it's just another put down to tell yourself how bad and hopeless you are.

I understand this is very hard, but unfortunately this is how the situation is. You're not going to magically stumble upon a cure, you have to seek one out. You have to fight tooth and nail because this condition won't go away on its own.

[Cora]

I know I have to do the work and I know that's the only way out but I'm seriously scared. I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I was actually thinking the other day how miserable it has been for the past 2 years and how I'm just sick of all of it. But at the same time I'm scared to make a change which annoys me so much.

I'm going to try to change my approach and commitment towards recovery. I need to do it. I guess there's no other way. 

[malina]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know I have to do the work and I know that's the only way out but I'm seriously scared. I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I was actually thinking the other day how miserable it has been for the past 2 years and how I'm just sick of all of it. But at the same time I'm scared to make a change which annoys me so much.

I'm going to try to change my approach and commitment towards recovery. I need to do it. I guess there's no other way. 

This is the problem Cora, you have the desire to change, but you don't have the plan. All the desire in the world isn't going to lead to recovery unless you have a solid path towards getting there.

I can think right now how much I would really love to be sitting on a beach on a Greek Island, but I'm not going to be doing that without booking a plane ticket, getting a hotel room etc. It's a stupid example but it applies to everything in life. Wanting something is only the beginning, you need to take steps towards achieving it.

I think this is why you're not seeing progress, because you have this vague sense that you need to stop confessing on the forum and start doing the work. But "doing the work" is a very vague concept, what does that really mean? You have to define what "doing the work" means and set out specific steps for this work.

This is why I'm saying you can't do it on your own, becuause identifying what this "work" consits of it hard, a professional can help you with that. Also this is something that the forum can be useful for.

So you have to start thinking about what your first step is going to be. My advice would be to try and seek therapy, contact your GP and have a discussion about getting access to CBT for OCD. Is this something you think you can try? if not, do you have an alternative suggestion?

[Ashley]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm going to try to change my approach and commitment towards recovery. I need to do it. I guess there's no other way. 

That's a good step to take. 

In terms of accessing treatment to help you, what is your current situation, what would you like to happen for treatment next?    CBT is of course the treatment we recommend, but often people think of CBT as a talking therapy, it is, but it also needs to be a doing therapy.

The therapists can help us, educate us and even do some exercise with us, but ultimately the doing part of therapy will require us to, well, do the doing!   Which is both hard and scary and I speak as someone stuck at this stage myself right now.  But I do know that even when I get more therapy, only I can make things happen, the therapist can help, but ultimately it is down to me.   That's scary, but I am accepting of that

 

 

[Cora]

Hi, 

I'm struggling a lot today. I wanted to avoid posting before my appointment with the Primary Care Team which is next Tuesday but I feel overwhelmed by all these gross feelings. 

I gave a kiss to my brother this morning and I felt that I wanted to do it again but only for sexual reasons. Then I saw him getting changed from his pyjamas and I felt like I was enjoying it. 

Also, yesterday I remembered a thought I had a while ago and my reaction to it was as repulsive as the first time I had it. It was about a child that was sexually abused and I felt like I wanted to keep thinking about it. 

I feel so gross and disgusting today. 

[Hdigtts]

Only a week to go till your appointment which is good though. What are your plans to get you through to it?

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, Hdigtts said:

Only a week to go till your appointment which is good though. What are your plans to get you through to it?

I don't really have a plan. I'm finding it really hard to accept and treat this as OCD, especially with the guilt and shame on my shoulders so I am not sure what to do.

[Hdigtts]

You do know what to do though Cora. You are the one who has the power.