Lonely

[Nikki79]

Hi guys. I just feeling lonely and a bit lost at the moment. Wondering what to do now to improve my life situation. I certainly reached out for help when I went to A and E last week and to be fair everyone has been fantastic but I’m still here stuck with these ‘intrusive thoughts’ and what to do with them. I just want to be free so bad and not so laden down with the weight of a couple of horrible worries on my shoulders. I wish I could just forget about them and move on with my life. 

[Blondie]

I understand. I feel the same. I feel like it's being locked in a glass box and seeing everyone else going about their business and not being able to join in. Thinking of you. You aren't alone. 

[PolarBear]

You will remain stuck with the intrusive thoughts until you take a stand and refuse to react to them. Kerp taking them seriously and keep doing compulsions and the intrusive thoughts will stick around.

[Nikki79]

28 minutes ago, Blondie said:

I understand. I feel the same. I feel like it's being locked in a glass box and seeing everyone else going about their business and not being able to join in. Thinking of you. You aren't alone. 

Oh my God yes you said it, that’s exactly how it feels

[malina]

Hey @Nikki79,

I think we can all relate to how you're feeling, but it can get better and it will. Reaching out for help is the first step. You have to accept that change won't come right away, it will feel hard for a while but that is normal. At the start, when you're still feeling your worst, you just have to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day. Make sure you take care of yourself and try to do things like going for walks, spending time with people you care about (especially now that restrictions have been lifted!). Some self care can go a long way. Best of luck to you xx

[Nikki79]

Thank you Malina. I’ve neglected myself entirely I have to say. 

[Nikki79]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You will remain stuck with the intrusive thoughts until you take a stand and refuse to react to them. Kerp taking them seriously and keep doing compulsions and the intrusive thoughts will stick around.

I feel like the actions in the thoughts have me stuck 

[PolarBear]

If you dismissed the thoughts, the actions would mean nothing.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

If you dismissed the thoughts, the actions would mean nothing.

Nikki.....it's understandable that you feel sad and upset, feeling this way is horrible......but feeling sorry for ourselves is a futile emotion.  OCD is a very reactive disorder, in both directions.  If you react with fear, with despondency, of accepting your loss.....you will suffer.  If you change that reaction by changing the reactions themselves, you will improve (as you have done before)

It's a no-brainer of a choice.  As you are you feel wretched, afraid, sick with anxiety....your normal enjoyment of life, of your Daughter is shot.  Working against the thoughts, resisting the compulsions you will feel wretched, afraid, sick with anxiety......BUT......with every day that you choose that path you will improve, you will continue to improve.  Which sounds the better option?

You are not a paedophile, your Daughter isn't at risk......or is she?  Only in so much as she's missing the normal, loving interaction from her Mummy who can't enjoy her as she should, because of fear.  That's not saying you don't love her to bits or show her that love....but you could both have so much more

I am (metaphorically) shaking you Nikki and I p,boring you to look at the two options of fear.....one staying stuck or the other, facing out the fear

[Nikki79]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

If you dismissed the thoughts, the actions would mean nothing.

This is where I totally don’t understand. 

[Hdigtts]

1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

This is where I totally don’t understand. 

I think... that it means - the actions you took or take do not mean what you think they mean. It is only you that is applying the negative thought or emotion to the action.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

This is where I totally don’t understand. 

What don't you understand?

These "actions" that you talk about are just nonsense.  You touched her leg, she was next to your spine etc etc......They're are absolutely nothing, nothing other than "normal" things.  There are billions of parents who will blow raspberries on their little ones naked tummy to make them giggle, others might comment that their bottom is so cute it's like a peach, they could just eat them, others will kiss them on the lips......all normal.  None of these parents are paedophiles, they aren't paralysed with fear, their model is the normal one.

What PB is saying it is only the "thoughts" that you attach to these normal things (that you look at as a sinister action) that causes the problem and if you learn to recognise that and dismiss the thought that you've done something wrong.....you'll begin to realise that these supposed "actions" are normal interactions.

You need to accept this at an intellectual level.  You need to accept what OCD makes a person believe & feel.  At first you will still feel the fear but armed with that intellectual understanding and refusing to follow up with hundreds of compulsions.....you will get past this.

Some day, one day you are going to have to face this and do what's recommended.  A Psychologust can help you with this but broadly, you are going to have to do this anyway...there's no magic bullet.

[Nikki79]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What don't you understand?

These "actions" that you talk about are just nonsense.  You touched her leg, she was next to your spine etc etc......They're are absolutely nothing, nothing other than "normal" things.  There are billions of parents who will blow raspberries on their little ones naked tummy to make them giggle, others might comment that their bottom is so cute it's like a peach, they could just eat them, others will kiss them on the lips......all normal.  None of these parents are paedophiles, they aren't paralysed with fear, their model is the normal one.

What PB is saying it is only the "thoughts" that you attach to these normal things (that you look at as a sinister action) that causes the problem and if you learn to recognise that and dismiss the thought that you've done something wrong.....you'll begin to realise that these supposed "actions" are normal interactions.

You need to accept this at an intellectual level.  You need to accept what OCD makes a person believe & feel.  At first you will still feel the fear but armed with that intellectual understanding and refusing to follow up with hundreds of compulsions.....you will get past this.

Some day, one day you are going to have to face this and do what's recommended.  A Psychologust can help you with this but broadly, you are going to have to do this anyway...there's no magic bullet.

Thank you Caramoole and I do think there must be something wrong with my brain that I don’t understand you see. Please be patient with me I’m sorry and I’m going to try describe what I mean. So for example the incident where my toe touched my child before this I was having thoughts of attraction or like or just what I struggle to explain. The time I touched her knee, and let my hand rub off her knee almost to test myself and I was almost hysterical with tears after cos I let that happen. So this is what I mean Caramoole. Does that do anything to explain it better?

[PolarBear]

Nikki, you don't need to repeat it or explain it. We got it. We really do. 

But listen. You aren't going to convince us you did anything bad. No matter how you explain it. Because you didn't do anything bad. 

We've heard this type of thing for years. This is nothing new. So stop trying to convince us of something we know not to be true. It's pointless and, frankly, a compulsion.

It seems bad to you because you have OCD and your mind is fixated on it. What's wrong with your brain is that you have OCD. That's it.

[Caramoole]

53 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Does that do anything to explain it better?

No, because I already understand.  I understand that you're suffering from OCD.  You have to learn to understand that too Nikki.  If you continue to look for alternative reasons, explain, seek constant reassurance....do hundreds of compulsions.....you'll keep feeling wretched.  You may not think so but you do have a choice as to how you react.  The explanations have been made hundreds of times......it's also been explained that you will feel doubt and anxiety at first.  It probably doesn't seem so but you guys are so lucky that you have all of this information and support so readily available, don't waste that, use it

[Nikki79]

Hey guys thanks for your wonderful replies.  This forum has been instrumental in helping me understand and ( I’m getting there) accept my OCD. I have been so fortunate and lucky to have found a wonderful forum such as this. 

[Nikki79]

Hey guys I’ve spent the last few days not engaging in my usual compulsions and I feel like a different person, more like I should be. I can’t honestly believe the difference, I do get challenged with new thoughts around stuff but I’m holding firm. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

Hey guys I’ve spent the last few days not engaging in my usual compulsions and I feel like a different person, more like I should be. I can’t honestly believe the difference, I do get challenged with new thoughts around stuff but I’m holding firm. 

That's good to hear Nikki........and something for others to take hope from.  If you really manage to break that cycle of compulsions it can be that quick.  Well Done

[sesa1979]

Well done Nikki that’s amazing keep doing the good work 

[iamwesker]

Wow well done Nikki! we are all behind you!  Keep it up!

[Nikki79]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

That's good to hear Nikki........and something for others to take hope from.  If you really manage to break that cycle of compulsions it can be that quick.  Well Done

I know!!! I almost feel I could go back to work tomorrow but I’m going to take some therapy now and certainly work on the depression symptoms and learn maybe some new techniques to handling my OCD. I’m kind of taking care of myself you know. I haven’t done that in a while. The best bonus is I’m enjoying my daughter so much aswell

[Nikki79]

Thank you all of you for backing me through this difficult period. I can’t thank you enough. This forum is a blessing and constant source of support for so many of us. I always hope so much that there is someone out there who perhaps isn’t as outspoken as I am about my ocd and finds the help I get here, helps them too. Maybe some day I could even be a moderator I need to get stronger myself first that is for sure, there is plenty there to work on. One of my dreams is to be able to help people like me but I need to be well more long term to do that. 

[Lollipop]

This is such an encouragement Nikki. Thank you for sharing. Really good to hear things are improving

[Nikki79]

Thanks Lollipop. I meet with a Psychiatrist now tomorrow and feeling hopeful. 

[Andy333]

Well done x