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OCD related or not, I need to let it out and get some advice on what yo do


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Hey there everyone, it's been such a long while since the last time I was around here. I've been doing so well with OCD, like really well I rarely obsess about things for a long time anymore, they kind of fly in my brain and out, and very rarely I perform compulsions, sometimes with my psychologist but I don't even notice they're compulsions anymore since I'm so out of OCD now... at least until last Thursday night. I had my first sexual encounter (no intercourse) with some guy I met on tinder, and I was trembling with anxiety, because I didn't know the guy (although i knew somehow he was/seemed trustworthy and I wanted it to happen), we were in a park and it was my first time so I didn't fully enjoy the moment, due to all those anxious factors I mentioned. 

So my mind broke down. I felt numb. On the train home, I felt violated, according to my psychologist, it's normal. If this happened on another time of my life in which I was so OCD involved, I would've been like "oh God, did I really consent to this? Did he abuse me?" so I thank God this didn't happen at least.

I spoke to the guy, told him how I felt about what happened, and he told me he didn't know I felt like that so he told me it's best we stay friends until I get better with anxiety and maybe then see what happens, what are the circunstances etc because he knows what anxiety can do not only to your body, but of course, to your brain :( and I think he's so on point and such a sensible guy, but it saddens me, although he told me he didn't want a relationship just now, maybe in the future, but it's more complicated now for it to happen, but it's not even because I have feelings for him! It's the need I've been feeling for months to find the perfect guy and be a couple (obsession :()

So now, it's when I think OCD makes its "glorious" entrant. The night we were speaking for hours about this, it was so hard for me to understand things because I was so tired and felt numb, and I needed to re-read paragraphs to try to understand what he was saying, then ask him, I understood but then I would get some doubts about if I really understood or if I still remember what he told me and sometimes I only could remember the part I misunderstood... so I had to re-read the paragraph/s obsessively to make sure I fully understood every single word, ask him again more times... I was so exhausted and anxious, I felt like **** even though I thought his choice was mature and sensitive, it felt like another defeat... another failure. It shook me down so hard but I could sleep somehow.

Luckily, I had an appointment with my psychologist on the morning. I didn't even know how I made it there, I was still so tired and mentally drained. On the way I spent the ride thinking about how could I explain all this so my psychologist would understand. And she did, she helped me a lot, reassured me what happened wasn't a bad thing per sé, just a bit awkward, told me I don't need to remember every detail of the conversation, that's almost under control but here's what I'm on right now: what if I get to know the guy and I don't get anxious anymore and we can have sex or whatever...? Would he accept to it or would he reject me because I'm clearly not better with anxiety. What if he doesn't want to do it? It makes me kind of... mad? To think about him saying no... Since I don't see the problem if I feel good? But I think he would say no, maybe because he's scared if I still can't really deal with anxiety, even though in that moment I'm calm, he worries about the side effects. I don't know it's like I NEED to know the answer, and I don't know if I should ask him. It makes me cry to think about his answer, I don't know, I feel scared ********, maybe it seems dumb to you guys, but I need some opinion, advice on this matter since it's Saturday and I don't wanna bother my psychologist :( thanks if you read till the end.

Edited by lily17
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Oh Crikey Lily :(  This is a big conundrum and one I'm not sure that I'm the best qualified to answer, coming from a completely different generation from the Tinder one.  First sexual encounters can be fraught with all sorts of different emotions, even when there's a slow build up to it happening.  To meet a stranger in a park, I'm not surprised you felt disappointed and violated, it's not the best scenario for feeling relaxed, safe and happy.  Please, please be very careful about this sort of meet up with someone you don't know at all, it could be very unsafe.

The situation clearly caused you a lot of stress and anxiety.  Anxiety throws up allsorts of questions and as you've found, this can quickly descend into obsessive thinking & questioning.  You know the drill on this one and about rumination.  Forget the "content" for now but look at the process, at working on reducing the rumination and compulsions.

As for the guy, I'm pleased to see him backing off and being sensitive to the fact that you were just not ready for this, it's good to see he's being responsible.  He also has to care of his own situation and protect himself. It's very easy for a guy to find himself in deep trouble if he reads the signs wrongly.

If you are still in contact, work hard to change the content of your conversation.  You have to stop going over the night in detail in an attempt to be reassured.  Tell him that this is something you need to do but that it would be nice just to chat, to get to know him.  If he's a nice person he'll be happy to do that.  See if you like each other as people, take sex off the agenda for now.  Maybe meet him sometime for a drink, a meal, a bowling alley, wherever....get to know him and maybe sometime in the future the rest will follow.  I can only advise that it would be a far more enjoyable, fulfilling encounter than a purely functional, mechanical one.

So, back to your skills, the ones you've learned about rumination.  Get yourself back on track, stop those internal conversations and seeking reassurance and hopefully you'll find yourself back in a good place and you can write this one off to experience and probably not the best choice for you just now.  Stay Safe :)

 

 

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Hi Caramoole, thanks for replying! I must say neither me nor him have ever done something like this in a park, with a stranger. It just happened. "It was a crazy thing" as he says, never again tho (he even told me not to do this with someone else, since it could be very dangerous so I think he is trustworthy if he says things like that :) 

As to reading signs wrong, I consented to it, I wanted to happen and still he was very careful, asking if I wanted to stop etc. He was very cute too I must say. 

I feel a little overwhelmed to meet up with him again, even to chat online with him due to mixed feelings, but I'm lucky he's busy with uni right now and won't be around much, so I'll take advantage of the situation to just get past this weird even.

I really need to stop wondering what would happen, those internal conversations... you're right, I have work to do. I know I can do it :) again thank you for replying because it was such a large paragraph. Take care!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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If you’re going to meet up like this be sure you ask to see his STD panel. It’s on paper & should have several tests. This is for safety.

Relationships influence your serotonin so you obsess more which seems to be what you’re doing. 

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26 minutes ago, Handy said:

If you’re going to meet up like this be sure you ask to see his STD panel. It’s on paper & should have several tests. This is for safety.

Relationships influence your serotonin so you obsess more which seems to be what you’re doing. 

Nah, it's not my style at all... once and no more. Although I will keep that in mind.

Thanks for the info!

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Hey @lily17,

I think I would be giving you the same advice whether you had OCD or not in this situation. The best thing to do would be what he has suggested, just be friends and get to know each other for a while. Relationships aren't all about the physical aspect, you need to get to know each other and build a bond. That will inevitably help you relax when the time comes because you'll be able to communicate with each other better and you'll feel more safe and relaxed.

19 hours ago, lily17 said:

What if he doesn't want to do it? It makes me kind of... mad? To think about him saying no... Since I don't see the problem if I feel good? But I think he would say no, maybe because he's scared if I still can't really deal with anxiety, even though in that moment I'm calm, he worries about the side effects.

Ok think about this for a second, imagine if it was him saying this - that he would get angry about you not wanting to go through with it. At the end of the day, it's about mutual consent and if he doesn't feel ready when you think you do, you have to accept that and give him more time. I think not wanting the woman he's with to feel violated is a very reasonable thing. If the time comes and he says no, that isn't a final no or a rejection, it's more likely a "I need more time" and, if you genuinely care about him, you will understand that and give him the time he needs. It's about building trust and comfort for both of you.

I think you just need to slow it way down, you've only met him once! And yes, doing something like this in the park with a stranger can be very risky. Everything worked out fine, but in future, just take it slow.

Edited by malina
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2 hours ago, malina said:

Hey @lily17,

I think I would be giving you the same advice whether you had OCD or not in this situation. The best thing to do would be what he has suggested, just be friends and get to know each other for a while. Relationships aren't all about the physical aspect, you need to get to know each other and build a bond. That will inevitably help you relax when the time comes because you'll be able to communicate with each other better and you'll feel more safe and relaxed.

Ok think about this for a second, imagine if it was him saying this - that he would get angry about you not wanting to go through with it. At the end of the day, it's about mutual consent and if he doesn't feel ready when you think you do, you have to accept that and give him more time. I think not wanting the woman he's with to feel violated is a very reasonable thing. If the time comes and he says no, that isn't a final no or a rejection, it's more likely a "I need more time" and, if you genuinely care about him, you will understand that and give him the time he needs. It's about building trust and comfort for both of you.

I think you just need to slow it way down, you've only met him once! And yes, doing something like this in the park with a stranger can be very risky. Everything worked out fine, but in future, just take it slow.

You're right about the consent thing, I have to respect if he doesn't want to do it. What I said that I would get mad if he didn't want to do it... maybe I meant "frustrated", I would never force him or someone else, thats for sure ?

I will take it slow and take your advice, although it's hard because I feel down due to things never working out for me, but it's what you said, it's not a final "no" he even told me that. Time will tell. Thanks for your advice :)

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52 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Could I just ask (and you can feel free to ignore) but why the urgency?  Hoping that this isn't something you've got a bit obsessed about and are spe doing too much time thinking about.

It is exactly what you just described ? I explained it on my first post, I've been obsessed for months with getting a boyfriend because I've never had a serious relationship before or anything, but not just thinking about it, trying all the time to meet someone on Tinder and other dating apps, even Twitter and also with making new friends... I've got dependent behaviour and that's why ? but I think OCD might a bit involved too, sigh. It's like I *need* to be with someone, to feel loved, get attention etc. I'm getting therapy for this too but it's just too much stuff to get through in an hour of therapy per week. 

 

Bonus: I'm also very strict with the way my future partner must be... and that comes from my very high moral compass (hardened with OCD I Guess) so it's such a pain in the ass. This applies to friends as well, but in a lower way... I'm also working on this slowly but as I've said, it's all just too much to get through.

Edited by lily17
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11 minutes ago, lily17 said:

  It's like I *need* to be with someone, to feel loved, get attention etc. I'm getting therapy for this too but it's just too much stuff to get through in an hour of therapy per week. 

 I'm pleased you're getting some help with this Lily :)

Finding someone you connect with, steadily becoming familiar with them, falling in love is something that usually happens over time.  Rarely can you just find it or organise it like buying a new coat, there and then.  Hence the attempt to bring this to fruition via Tinder was disastrous.  It's also potentially very dangerous.  The best relationships grow, as do  fulfilling sexual relationships.

keep talking to your therapist and hopefully she'll help you to work out why you're feeling this way.  What's your every day life like re friendships, social life, interests?

 

 

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On 30/05/2021 at 17:12, Caramoole said:

 I'm pleased you're getting some help with this Lily :)

Finding someone you connect with, steadily becoming familiar with them, falling in love is something that usually happens over time.  Rarely can you just find it or organise it like buying a new coat, there and then.  Hence the attempt to bring this to fruition via Tinder was disastrous.  It's also potentially very dangerous.  The best relationships grow, as do  fulfilling sexual relationships.

keep talking to your therapist and hopefully she'll help you to work out why you're feeling this way.  What's your every day life like re friendships, social life, interests?

 

 

Uhh my everyday life is usually staying home or spending time with my grandma, sometimes I meet a friend, watch anime, go for something to drink with my parents and... go to my family mountain home almost every weekend and... therapy. It's becoming a tad boring though... 

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If you don't mind me asking, how old are you @lily17

15 hours ago, lily17 said:

Uhh my everyday life is usually staying home or spending time with my grandma, sometimes I meet a friend, watch anime, go for something to drink with my parents and... go to my family mountain home almost every weekend and... therapy. It's becoming a tad boring though... 

I would say that the best thing to do would be to go out there and get a hobby or a new skill that helps you meet people...but that has been really hard during the last year with all the restrictions.

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