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Yes. Its what it is, its recovery work because the h if i let this continiue.

Im need to write this post to get some things on the paper, lay things out right and get some..... english is not my first language so i cant remember the right words all the time

Alright- so over the last month ive done a huge mistake, ive been doing more and more compulsions to avoid something, and it has become absurd. like: i cant wear my white shirt because that represent...... ok no need to explain. there is a lot. and its extreme. its been worse before. like 7-8 years ago it was absolutly terrible.

Ive now come to the conclusion that i have to get out, and ive started today. 

Ive done huge progress today, but have extreme anxiety to the point i feel like i cant do this at all, but i know i can. 

I need to write my fear here now, to get a little overview, and as i said: lay it out: my fear is feeling guilt. 

im doing compulsions about a thought i had or may have had about my boyfriend 6 years ago, and im afraid of feeling guilty for this. 

Here is the thing: there is no real guilt here. 

Its the fear of having the guilt thats bothering me. what i mean is: ive felt real guilt before and i cant handle it, in a earlier relationship with somebody i cheated (broke up, «cheated», and got back together the next day), and that was something i struggeled with and had to tell him. Thats real guilt and it was extremly painfull to me, therefore: my fear is having that guilt-feeling again. i really dread this feeling.

So its the fear of the guilt-not guilt itself that is boterhing me.

Ive done nothing wrong. i know this, so all these compulsuons have just done everything worse. Im trying to keep up something with these compulsjons, i try to get away from these fears, but its only making it worse. 

ok, im gonna continue to do recovery work now, and i would appriciate some peptalk or wise words, either from others doing recovery work atm, or from those who are recovered/have it under controll. 

thanks in forskudd (norwegian word, cant remember the english frasing?)

edit: i know that me writing several times that «its not real guilt -its the fear of the guilt» might seem like a compulsion itself, because i repeat it many times, but its not. its something i just understood today and something i had to remind myself. 

Edited by ocdishell
explanation
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On 31/05/2021 at 22:32, Hdigtts said:

That’s pretty good English! I really understand what you mean and in many ways mine is similar to this. Sounds like you have a good idea on what you need to do :)

yeah, but this is so diffucult :( im currently trying to avoid doing a compulsuon, but i feel im gonna fail any moment. jeeses christ this is tough :( 

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1 hour ago, Hdigtts said:

It really is tough but knowing that it will work will help get you through it. The rewards will be there :)

no, if i knew that, this would be very easy:) been having panic attakcs since yesterday, but im sticking to it. but yeah, this is extremly diffucult. 

Edited by ocdishell
because.
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i think the only reason i havent caved is because im not sure how to do the compulsion itself. i know i need to put my toe in the corner of the apartment (this sounds like a mockery of ocd, but its not), and think the right thing. but i dont know wich side of the apartment is the right one.  

and all this because i was so stupid and started doing compulsuons again. im looking out the window, there is no monsters here. nobody is after me, its made up. its all fake. but it doesent matter. all i want to do is to stop this pain. 

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