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Is this all my fault?


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Hi every body. Please dont judge me for this, im Already a mess right now. 

I'm not really sure how to explain this as short as possible, but I'll try.

I have been working at a Social employment facility since September last year. Here I was hired for the position of Quality, Health & Safety & Environment.

Now it is true that in recent months (perhaps already at the end of last year) I have had difficulty concentrating and have little energy. I get much less done at work than usual. and I mean A LOT LESS. Now it is also the case that I am the only official in this department, and I only give responsibility directly to the management.

For a few months now, I have been bothered by the thought that due to my low productivity I am not getting enough done, and therefore I am less likely to notice whether certain things are running safely and well at work. My job is, among other things, to carry out audits within the organization, as well as to carry out checks on occupational health and safety.

I was noticed yesterday that in one of our departments where a lot of wood is processed, there is a significantly high concentration of particulate matter. there are no legal requirements when it comes to indoor spaces and particulate matter levels, but the company adheres to the requirement that is also set for the legally existing requirements that apply to outdoor air and is the responsibility of the municipalities and cities.

After discovering these high levels in this department, I immediately made a report to our management, who will deal with this as soon as possible.

However, since yesterday I've been thinking all the time that if I hadn't wasted my time surfing on my phone, surfing the internet, being tired and just slacking off I would probably have thought sooner that we would have a particulate matter measurement done in the wood department.

Incidentally, I have looked and seen that before I worked here the measurements have always been too high, and therefore the correct actions were not taken before I started working here.

I also wonder whether I would have tested the room for particulate matter earlier if I had focused more on my work, and thus having more free time and maybe asking my co worker sooner to test the wood area.

It is also the case that not only I do the measurements, but a colleague of mine who is the manager of the technical service also performs these measurements, this is a kind of joint task.

Now I have read on the internet that people can develop certain illnesses from particulate matter like cancer, asthma, etc. But also that exposure to the particulate matter could reduce life by an average of 9 months.

So I feel extremely guilty, and I'm constantly in a panic. It feels like I have blood on my hands, and I'm constantly thinking about how I can make up for this. Maybe I can try to have more healthy snacks and drinks served in the canteen so that there is some compensation?

I just don't know what to do. I am comitted to working my but off, so i can fix and catch up on all the things i did not do. I have also stopped claiming travel expenses to work and back home since the end of last year. This is because I hope to make up for something I don't do or haven't done.

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So, you ask us not to judge you, but ask in the topic if this is all your fault fault. 

Anyway, you have OCD. You know you have OCD. You've been around long enough to know that OCD loves to get hold of minor things and blow them all out of proportion.

This is one of those times. Your guilt is completely misplaced and is a byproduct of you ruminating over this.

Forget the healthy snacks. Startbsenfing in fir expense reimbursements. And work hard on clamping down on your ruminating.

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  • 1 year later...

Hey all. Had to bump this topic since it came back hard.

Im Trying to calculate what the amount of life years i might have destroyed because im still nowhere near the productivity where I should be. Last 2 years ive been slacking real bad. An this week on tuesday some co-worker confronted me with my work tempo and procrastination. I took all the blame and made no excuses. Ive been working hard ever since.

But i feel that they have no idea how much work ive hot yet done and pushed forward time after time again. I feel like a fraud and the most difficult thing has been that im afraid that my slacking might have caused some long term damage to peoples health. What if someone has been working with a faulty posture on some machine or packing table, and they get physical issues because of it, need to get free from work, become depressed and stressed as a result which might cause them to die earlier due to stress related health problems?

Ehat if some people with our technical department have been working with some chemicals that might cause health issues in the future, and my absence migjt have caused me to jot notice it in time and them staying exposed to the fumes and such things?

So im going trough all the things that we do at work that are health and safety related and i imagine me having done such few things in these last 2 years caused alot of long term damage an possible earlier death of coworkers because ive been 'mentally' absent and rather watched youtube and other stuff at work?

Im determined to now finally pick it up again. Hut when i start i feel this immense weight of everything that has to be done, and everything that i should have done.

 

Also the majority people that work with our company are in some way handicapped mentally or physical. And Yes they have their own team managers and direct managers and im more of a staff member but still.. im also a prevention contacts person.

Is there any way i can nake things right?

 

Maybe try things as in promoting a healthy lifestyle and therefore people might gain some of those lost life years back?

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I promise you this is OCD. We all have good and bad days at work but most of us can accept that and not fixate on 'making things right'. 

I often tell myself that if politicians can swan off on holiday and claim tax payer's money, all whilst actively making life worse for a lot of people, then my inbox can wait until tomorrow! 

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13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Hyperresponsibility is a sure sign of OCD.

Do you think everyone you work with should add up their mistakes and make restitution or does this only apply to you?

I know there is ocd involved. But the fact that for almost 2 years now my productivity has been 10% a day at max must have had its downsides for others. I could possibly have prevented alot of unsafe work situations or situations where people might have in some way mentally or physically got damaged which in the long run might make them end up dying earlier then they should have died. And this might be due to work stress, physical pains that lead to stress and stress leads to heart issues or perhaps suicide? Or mental stress by bullying, discrimination or anything like that and all because I have not been pro active or at least active enough...

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6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You didn't answer my question. 

Does this apply to you only or everyone else too?

Well at first hand i would say no. But my mind is also screaming yes, i guess to make me believe that i am at fault because other would also

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Okay, fair enough. 

The thing is, this all looks so ad to you right now only because you are fixated on it. You think about it all the time. Your mind comes up with worse scenarios, because you are fixating on it.

Step back, give it a rest and get your mind on some healthy things and you'll reach a point where you realize what nonsense this all is.

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