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how to define my contamination fears


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I do agree that the contamination issue was a result of bottling up the painful thoughts and feelings and not expressing them. Instead of changing the situation earlier or at least expressing myself more , I created a further problem by creating the contamination , which once in the physical world is difficult to ignore and has led to present day problems.  

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2 hours ago, olb said:

Thanks I have read through all the posts , it just feels almost impossible to change any of my interpretations/ appraisals which are so hard wired.

as mentalchecker suggested on another post I am wondering if the only way for me is stop engaging with the thoughts. Like just laugh at myself for having the same repetitive thoughts, like saying ‘oh no not another thought about the car or anything contaminated from it’ then just not let it proceed. 
 

Not engaging with the thoughts is absolutely the best way to go! :yes:

If you can manage that without any further intervention then go for it!

I fear, however, that as long as you hang onto your old appraisals it will remain a struggle not to engage with the thoughts. :unsure: Those deep down beliefs will always rise again sooner or later.

The reason I've emphasized changing your interpretation is that if you fundamentally change your viewpoint then it ceases to be an issue in the first place. There's nothing to laugh off, no thoughts to avoid engagement with.

I can only advise based on my knowledge and experience. For myself I practised not engaging and laughed it off many, many times. It worked for a while, but then the unresolved emotional issues got triggered by some small incident and it all started up again. Only by facing thoses issues have I made progress with eliminating the fears/thoughts at the root of the problem.

I thought as you do, that 50 years of OCD had hardwired my brain and change would be impossible, but it's not. It's slower than I'd like, no magic wand that changes things in an instant. You gain knowledge, a bit of insight to yourself develops... time passes...you revert on autopilot, start over, keep at it...more insight develops...time passes...and finally you realise the change has taken place within you.

Whatever you decide to do, you now have the knowledge to help you navigate your way through this. Good luck! :)

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Thanks, I hope I can make progress, whether it’s not engaging at all or somehow re appraising the thoughts.

I had saved a screenshot of a page in the MC book, it says :

“a significant change in the patients appraisal of the human contaminant AND/OR a change in the appraisal of the seriousness of the threat of the feelings of contamination , leads to a collapse of the hierarchy of fears”

When it says human contaminant well in my case it doesn’t appear to be a human , so if I substitute the car for the human I could change the appraisal of the car, but I don’t think I can do that as I’ve said previously.

the second suggestion is re appraising the seriousness of the threat of the feelings of contamination. So that would mean grasping that the threat (extreme  anxiety , worry about losing control, suicidal thoughts etc) is something I can manage. Which is a risk as I don’t know if I can. 
 

the third option is not engaging with the thoughts at all which is awareness and taking control of the mind before it takes control of me. If I can detach and stay with awareness then that feels powerful but as snowbear said it may be that later on the unresolved thoughts rise again.

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12 hours ago, olb said:

I had saved a screenshot of a page in the MC book, it says :

“a significant change in the patients appraisal of the human contaminant AND/OR a change in the appraisal of the seriousness of the threat of the feelings of contamination , leads to a collapse of the hierarchy of fears”

That's what we're aiming for. :)

But I think you're getting a bit confused trying to work out how it relates to you. :confused1:

12 hours ago, olb said:

When it says human contaminant well in my case it doesn’t appear to be a human , so if I substitute the car for the human I could change the appraisal of the car, but I don’t think I can do that as I’ve said previously.

The car isn't the contaminant.

Your feelings (you) are the human contaminant. The fact that your feelings are directed towards the car is irrelevant. It's not the car that's the problem. It's how you feel about the car.

You don't have to stop hating the car. You have to forgive yourself for accepting and driving it and not saying anything.

Changing your appraisal means you stop thinking 'if I accept and forgive it means I'm weak'

Change it to, 'It's ok to accept the past and forgive myself. Being able to forgive myself means I'm strong.'

12 hours ago, olb said:

the second suggestion is re appraising the seriousness of the threat of the feelings of contamination. So that would mean grasping that the threat (extreme  anxiety , worry about losing control, suicidal thoughts etc) is something I can manage. Which is a risk as I don’t know if I can. 

Not exactly. It's not about accepting you can manage the risk.

It's about realising the risk was never as severe as you feared.

You fear losing control, becoming suicidal. These are not inevitable facts. They are part of your current appraisal.

So you change your appraisal from 'I would feel suicidal and suffer extreme anxiety'

to 'I understand the contamination isn't real. I don't need to feel anxious. I can let it go and I won't lose control.'

Changing your appraisal (your viewpoint) means exactly that.

Imagine you are standing at the bottom of a mountain. Your viewpoint of the summit is 'a long climb away, a lot of effort needed.' :(

Change your viewpoint. Imagine you've been helicoptered to the top of the mountain. Your viewpoint now is 'Everything down there is so small and insignificant!' :)

At the moment you feel it's impossible to change your view because you imagine the view as identical  before and after. The point is it changes. You change.

You accept and forgive and all the stuff that once seemed so huge and unmanageable becomes small and insignificant because you're looking at it differently.

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Thanks snowbear. So you think it’s actually self contamination. It’s strange how there was no contamination for at least a year of driving the car but then as my frustration grew and I wasn’t able to change the situation, then ideas of contamination appeared and got worse. It resulted in coming home from work and having to have a bath or shower and change clothes. I was annoyed with those at the company who bought the cars and also annoyed at whoever designed it but you’re probably right here that i myself am the source of the self contamination. 
when I try to access the thoughts to re appraise it’s more of a horrible sinking feeling I get which the thoughts are hidden behind. Do I need to keep at it and try to get to these thoughts it’s kind of like they are locked away and I just get a bad feeling of dread.

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4 hours ago, olb said:

Do I need to keep at it and try to get to these thoughts

Not really, no.

You only have to accept yourself as you are now. Forgive yourself in the present (for how you acted in the past)

You don't need to (and ideally shouldn't) dwell on the ins and outs of what happened and why you felt as you did.

The problem is in the present, so deal with the present. Leave the past where it belongs - behind you.

 

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It’s interesting you said I don’t have to stop hating the car. 
I have always thought, to accept the past, I would have to somehow force myself to not hate the car, which I haven’t been able to do.

So I can still hate the car but have to try to forgive myself for not intervening and letting the situation go on for so long.

This is hard because at the time I was aware I was going to create a problem for the future by not taking action, but I still let it happen. 
The contamination was probably a way of coping after my failure to act.

It was kind of saying I can’t change the past now so the very least I can do , in order to have any hope of a future , is distance myself from the car, to throw away / avoid contact with anything that had been inside the car. Which has persisted to this day.

by stepping on that floor barefoot I took a risk and it’s made me feel worse, but how can it do that? My young nephews were here earlier and ran into the room earlier, how can I see it as a threat or contaminated when they don’t! I’ve got to work on the previous posts especially snow bear ‘s.

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3 hours ago, olb said:

It’s interesting you said I don’t have to stop hating the car. 
I have always thought, to accept the past, I would have to somehow force myself to not hate the car, which I haven’t been able to do.

So I can still hate the car but have to try to forgive myself for not intervening and letting the situation go on for so long.

This is hard because at the time I was aware I was going to create a problem for the future by not taking action, but I still let it happen. 
The contamination was probably a way of coping after my failure to act.

It was kind of saying I can’t change the past now so the very least I can do , in order to have any hope of a future , is distance myself from the car, to throw away / avoid contact with anything that had been inside the car. Which has persisted to this day.

by stepping on that floor barefoot I took a risk and it’s made me feel worse, but how can it do that? My young nephews were here earlier and ran into the room earlier, how can I see it as a threat or contaminated when they don’t! I’ve got to work on the previous posts especially snow bear ‘s.

It's sometimes helpful to think about what someone without OCD would think in the same situation. 

Someone without OCD might either have not cared about which kind of company car they were given (or even just been pleased to be given a company car) OR they might have been really ****** off that they were assigned to a car that they didn't like. 

They might have felt ****** off at their colleagues for not asking them which type of car they would like (if they had a choice). 

They might have wished that they had been more assertive and refused that particular car. 

When they left that job they might have regretted not being more assertive. After leaving the job they might think 'Oh I hated that job/car' but that would be the end of it. 

They would not think the car was contaminated or that contamination had somehow spread or anything else. 

Those feelings associated with the car would have just reduced and then disappeared over time. 

 

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That’s a good way of looking at it belanna. I know I was a bit more sensitive to what car I had than other people, who wouldn’t have cared or maybe just been pleased to have one. 
up to a point in time I could have walked away with no contamination , maybe a year or so, but there came a point where the feelings escalated and it got to 2 and nearly 2 1/2 years of growing frustration. It was like it was becoming too long a period of my life as I was 20-23. At this time cars was one of my passions. 
so instead of exploring my passion in cars I got stuck with the company car which was like the complete opposite of what I liked. A big ugly old fashioned estate car with no redeeming features. 

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I found this post which is relevant to this thread:

“Thought-object fusion I

It once occurred to me that the true reason behind the anxiety attacks might be subjectively assigning some higher meaning to random objects or thoughts, objects and thoughts that do not possess a meaning on their own. Taken out of context (for example, for a third (healthy?) person) such objects would be interpreted as neutral part of the environment  not causing any further emotional reaction. 

In the case I am very familiar with, the OCD behaviors were mostly represented by extensive and repetitive washing and cleaning after being in contact with objects or people having a (mental) link with the patient’s traumatic past events. Cleaning and washing therefore played the role of isolating the subject from his unpleasant past experiences. Mental links between people and objects in the present and distant past seemed irrational even to the patient, which nevertheless did not help to prevent automatic thoughts and behaviors associated with being exposed to them. The wish of “not wanting to have anything in common with one’s past” have led to frequent disposal of personal items that seemed too contaminated to be washed, frequent changes of the place of residence due to the abundance of anxiety-provoking objects in the day-to-day environment as well as extreme avoidance of certain places and people from the patient’s past.

Now I believe that it is extremely important to treat environmental objects for what they really are---the physical matter without the intrinsic meaning built into them. Avoidance is the result of projecting parts of the internal person’s world onto the environment. This can be proven by the fact that a third person with completely different set of past experiences would not be bothered by any of the objects causing extreme anxiety in the patient’s mind. That’s because those very same objects do not have any higher meaning from the perspective of a third person. Same would apply to the patient put into the role of a third person---objects avoided by someone else would not disturb him, as they are only related to someone else’s experiences and have no meaning in patient's mind.

What comes from the inside of person’s mind, has to be dealt with inside. This is why washing, cleaning and avoiding should not make any sense. The strongest link with the disturbing unpleasant experiences of the past comes from the inside too. Objects have meaning only in the context of specific person’s mind and experience, not the other way around. The internal personal world can therefore not be violated or threatened by the environment in any way, as the mind is far superior to the meaningless physical surroundings. A person as he exists inside is therefore an independent entity not requiring any contribution from the environment. In fact, it should be complete all by itself and invincible at the same time.

It once also occurred to me that writing things down can be extremely helpful and complement the formal therapy-based treatment, especially when there are so many things going on in the patient’s mind as is in the case of anxiety disorders.”

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So after reading that post from reddit it is the closest description to my present problem. 
I’m not sure I need to go back and change the meaning of the bad experience with the car, but I do need to deal with objects in the present. 
so I have projected contamination onto objects that have:

1. A definite link to the car eg were inside it at some point and became infected. These are the worst ones as I KNOW there is a link

2. Items that are unknown and may have been in a car of the same manufacturer , this includes physical money so I can almost just about deal with these items.

I’m aware my cleaning after contact and avoidance is to isolate me from the past. Same reason I discarded many items years ago as “ I did not want anything in common with my past”. 
 

I am aware the link between past and present is irrational but despite this I am still avoiding/ cleaning as the urge /anxiety is strong.

I think I may be seeing some objects as having a physical instead of mental link to the past. If I know an object was inside the car , is that a physical contact or a mental one? If it’s an object which may have been inside but I don’t know then it’s just mental right? 
so anyway I am aware a third party would not see the same as me and not see any contamination. Same as I would not see contamination in someone else’s contaminated items.

so this problem needs to be dealt with inside/internally. washing, cleaning and avoidance is futile. 
the final part of the reddit post I’d love some opinions on:

” objects have meaning only in the context of a subjects mind/experiences, not the other way round”

“Therefore a persons internal world cannot be violated/threatened in any way by the outside environment /objects”

”mind is superior to the physical world, invincible.”

So I’d love to hear any views on this and my conclusion is I need to get my head around the last bit, how can I get it to sink in , how can I believe I can’t be violated by the objects?

Is it just a mental link I am making or because I’m seeing it as a physical link ( objects that were known to be inside the car ) that’s making it harder?

Or is this whole link destroyed by the third party argument? Does the fact someone else sees the objects as neutral win over ?

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8 hours ago, olb said:

So after reading that post from reddit it is the closest description to my present problem. 
I’m not sure I need to go back and change the meaning of the bad experience with the car, but I do need to deal with objects in the present. 
so I have projected contamination onto objects that have:

1. A definite link to the car eg were inside it at some point and became infected. These are the worst ones as I KNOW there is a link

2. Items that are unknown and may have been in a car of the same manufacturer , this includes physical money so I can almost just about deal with these items.

I’m aware my cleaning after contact and avoidance is to isolate me from the past. Same reason I discarded many items years ago as “ I did not want anything in common with my past”. 
 

I am aware the link between past and present is irrational but despite this I am still avoiding/ cleaning as the urge /anxiety is strong.

I think I may be seeing some objects as having a physical instead of mental link to the past. If I know an object was inside the car , is that a physical contact or a mental one? If it’s an object which may have been inside but I don’t know then it’s just mental right? 
so anyway I am aware a third party would not see the same as me and not see any contamination. Same as I would not see contamination in someone else’s contaminated items.

so this problem needs to be dealt with inside/internally. washing, cleaning and avoidance is futile. 
the final part of the reddit post I’d love some opinions on:

” objects have meaning only in the context of a subjects mind/experiences, not the other way round”

“Therefore a persons internal world cannot be violated/threatened in any way by the outside environment /objects”

”mind is superior to the physical world, invincible.”

So I’d love to hear any views on this and my conclusion is I need to get my head around the last bit, how can I get it to sink in , how can I believe I can’t be violated by the objects?

Is it just a mental link I am making or because I’m seeing it as a physical link ( objects that were known to be inside the car ) that’s making it harder?

Or is this whole link destroyed by the third party argument? Does the fact someone else sees the objects as neutral win over ?

It's just a mental or emotional link. There's no contamination- it just feels like there is because of the emotions attached to the car. 

Even if you got the car back tomorrow and rolled around in it and then sat and touched things all over your house, there would be absolutely no risk of anything, there'd be no contamination, everything would be fine. It's just that OCD is awful and makes everyone scared when they don't need to be!

 

Edited by BelAnna
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I feel like I’m in a quandary. Now I’ve stepped on the floor , I haven’t been the same, like I’ve failed in my vigilance. I understand cleaning is futile, so cleaning hasn’t really helped.

I am struggling to get out of bed until late morning this week 11/12. Previously I was up at 6-7. I have to go back to work next week.  I have lost a lot of motivation, as I’ve failed with the avoidance.

I see two possible options right now:

1. Continue as I was and hope to regain the energy, time heals? continue avoidance of specific objects like the floor. In time let myself off the slip up and feel better about my foot again.

2. Maybe intentionally step on the floor again. This feels too much of a risk as I feel my internal world would collapse. Despite knowing a third party eg my parents walk on the floor, the contamination is unique to me and could destroy me. 

It’s like by keeping the avoidance going I’m  successfully denying the truth about the past which feels good because I want it to be denied. I don’t want to accept how long the car was in my life. 

If I allow myself to be contaminated intentionally then I’ve given up, I’ve accepted the car and history. I’ve lost, my self collapses, I am nothing, I've died. This is scary. 

I understand from the article I posted that we should treat physical objects as matter without the meaning . So undoing the meaning is key? I’d practise is this just habituation? Like walk on the floor and ignore any thoughts/ compulsions and hope they go away? 
Is it enough to know that a third party can walk on the floor without any problem ? Should this fact alone override all of my fears/arguments?

If I expose again to the floor (or any other object I label contaminated) , is the answer to totally ignore any intrusions/compulsions? Is this possible or do I need to deal with the thoughts and ‘work on them ‘.

The article says objects only have meaning in the context of the persons mind/experience , not the other way round.  And that the internal world can’t be violated by the physical world as the mind is superior. But in my case am I letting the other way round be true, am I letting my mind be affected by the objects? I’m letting myself feel threatened by inanimate objects because of associations with the past.how do I make myself invincible to inanimate physical objects? Instead of feeling paralysed by them?

 

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1 hour ago, olb said:

If I allow myself to be contaminated intentionally then I’ve given up, I’ve accepted the car and history. I’ve lost, my self collapses, I am nothing, I've died. This is scary. 

It's also nonsense. Your self won't collapse. But as long as this is the meaning you give to acceptance and intentional contamination (exposure) you'll continue to feel depressed and demotivated.

This is what the book is talking about when it refers to 'objects only have meaning in the person's mind/experience.'

1 hour ago, olb said:

I’m letting myself feel threatened by inanimate objects because of associations with the past.how do I make myself invincible to inanimate physical objects? Instead of feeling paralysed by them?

You have to change the meaning you've given the objects. Accept they are just objects. That there is no contamination. That you can safely step on the floor and no harm will come to you phsically, mentally or emotionally.

As long as you insist on hanging onto the belief your sense of self is in danger from acceptance of these things then your belief in contamination will persist. You'll be letting yourself feel threatened by inanimate objects because you made an association between them and an event in your past.

You don't need to become invincible. You need to accept the sense of self isn't as fragile as you fear and that you'll not only survive intact, but thrive - once you accept.

Paralysis is the result of clinging onto the meaning 'my sense of self is at risk, it would be like dying.'

 

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Thanks again snowbear you have been ever so helpful and patient with my posts and questions I think it’s now time I decide how to go forward, I’ll re read everything and try to make progress 

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So firstly I need to accept it’s the past, the car is gone (literally). I actually just realised it would have been scrapped years ago. So maybe I can work on changing the image of the car to a crushed block of metal or just gone completely.
I was young and didn’t know what I know now. I was weak/shy and not able to express my feelings. I felt afraid of what people thought of me. I couldn’t get myself out of the situation.

I have to forgive myself for not taking action sooner, for not asserting myself, not expressing myself, keeping it all in.

I have learned from these weaknesses and become a stronger more assertive person. I am not afraid of what people think anymore.

 All the above I can accept and forgive. I still hate the type of car though.

Secondly, I also need to deal with the contamination. This appears to have come about from projecting my negative emotions (which I bottled up) onto the car and any objects that were inside the car at any time. I decided that if the car made me feel so bad then it must also contaminate objects inside it. 
 I need to confront these feelings /express the emotions in a different way. So does this mean just sitting with the anxious/angry feelings until they subside? What other ways can I express these strong emotions, cry? I need to deal with the emotions in a different way to creating contamination.

The floor is an inanimate object and other people can touch it without a problem. 
Inanimate objects should not have the power to make me feel sad or hopeless.

However, it still feels like an emotional block the thought of stepping on the floor again. It’s like one of the last things around with a link to the car.
 

Should I intentionally do exposure again or wait until it happens naturally ( ie I get called into the room the next time).

I think stepping bare foot a few weeks ago was a bit much and maybe should have gone in there with socks and kept wearing them after. 
Argghhh it’s so frustrating , something in my mind is hanging on to the idea that I must not touch the floor.

How can I replace the thought that the floor was once briefly in the car.  How can I assign a new meaning to the laminate floor? 
Is it possible or is it just a case of stepping on it and not going mad, trying to stay in control , and hoping the anxiety and thoughts of contamination subside?

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4 hours ago, olb said:

So firstly I need to accept it’s the past, the car is gone (literally). I actually just realised it would have been scrapped years ago. So maybe I can work on changing the image of the car to a crushed block of metal or just gone completely.
I was young and didn’t know what I know now. I was weak/shy and not able to express my feelings. I felt afraid of what people thought of me. I couldn’t get myself out of the situation.

I have to forgive myself for not taking action sooner, for not asserting myself, not expressing myself, keeping it all in.

I have learned from these weaknesses and become a stronger more assertive person. I am not afraid of what people think anymore.

 All the above I can accept and forgive. I still hate the type of car though.

Secondly, I also need to deal with the contamination. This appears to have come about from projecting my negative emotions (which I bottled up) onto the car and any objects that were inside the car at any time. I decided that if the car made me feel so bad then it must also contaminate objects inside it. 
 I need to confront these feelings /express the emotions in a different way.

He's got it! :thumbup:

 

4 hours ago, olb said:

 I need to confront these feelings /express the emotions in a different way. So does this mean just sitting with the anxious/angry feelings until they subside? What other ways can I express these strong emotions, cry? I need to deal with the emotions in a different way to creating contamination.

It can be just sitting with the feelings :unsure: though in my experience the feelings don't subside over time no matter how long you sit with it. In fact they usually intensify (most likely because you'd be ruminating the whole time on how much you hated that car!)

Crying may help, but it's not going to stop the feelings arising every time you think of the car/ floor.

What works is to make cognitive changes. Change the meaning you attach to the car AND to the feelings.

For example, you may be covertly telling yourself 'As long as I stay angry it proves I'm not a walkover. Letting go of the feelings means...'

This needs to change to something like, 'Whatever purpose the anger served in the past, it is inappropriate now. Staying angry proves nothing, signifies nothing. Letting go of these feelings shows I've moved on. It's ok to let them go.'

This is how most healthy adults deal with their emotions. They are able to label the emotion and it's source, and adjust their reaction appropriately.

So instead of 'I HATE that car! Argh!!!! Everything is contaminated!'  :angry: :crybaby:

...you get, 'I hateD that car. Still do. Always will. But it's in the past. I don't need to be afraid of this anger. I don't need to protect myself from it by imagining things are contaminated.' :)

When you get angry you say to yourself, 'This is making me angry.' You recognise the purpose of anger is to motivate you to change whatever it was that evoked it. So, where possible, you make that change. And when it's something you can't change (such as something that's happened in the past) then you accept there's nothing you can do now which will affect the outcome so you choose to let go of the anger (breathe out slowly, punch a cushion, yell until your lungs hurt...whatever works for you!)

4 hours ago, olb said:

Should I intentionally do exposure again or wait until it happens naturally ( ie I get called into the room the next time).

Your choice. More important is deciding that you're mentally ready for when the exposure happens and will deal with your feelings without treating the floor as contaminated.

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How can I replace the thought that the floor was once briefly in the car.  How can I assign a new meaning to the laminate floor? 
Is it possible or is it just a case of stepping on it and not going mad, trying to stay in control , and hoping the anxiety and thoughts of contamination subside?

Simple! The laminate floor is just a floor! What transport got it to your home is irrelevant. Was then, is now. Forgive yourself for 'getting it wrong' and thinking of it as contaminated all this time. Then start using the floor as the perfectly ordinary, boring bit of flooring (with no meaning attached) that it is.

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 Is it just a case of stepping on it and not going mad, trying to stay in control , and hoping the anxiety and thoughts of contamination subside?

You can try that approach if you wish, though simply 'hoping the thoughts will subside' isn't very likely to work. The thoughts will subside once you accept they have no meaning. No amount of courage or hopeful waiting is going to make them subside as long as you cling to the belief that the contamination is real.

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I am struggling especially in the mornings, my motivation is low. My mind keeps defaulting to the thought process that I made contact with the contamination, which I’d avoided for so many years. This makes me feel like I’ve failed, I’m doomed and can’t be fixed. My awareness keeps being drawn to my right foot which stood on the floor.

Why does my unconscious mind default to this? It makes me feel like all hope is gone. I keep trying to think of the reasons against the contamination ( such as third party not seeing any contamination, that it’s all in my mind, that I am awareness and my thoughts can’t control me) I usually feel a bit better by the end of the day . 

I had been so vigilant about the floor and any other objects for so many years and part of me cant believe I took the risk and stepped on the floor especially barefoot. my mind is now full of doubt again. I try to analyse it but the doubts keep winning.
Why isn’t it enough to accept that other people walk on the floor so I should be ok to do so as well? Is it a superiority complex , do I think I’m better than them or can I just not delete the link to the car, the knowing that the floor was in the despised car. There are still a few of these cars around so most days I see one and it doesn’t help as it reminds me of the ugliness and dirty feelings.
Do I just have to keep telling myself the arguments against the contamination until it sinks in or do I have to wait a long time until my mind naturally ‘forgets’ for a long enough time that I feel better?

obviously in the past my whole body was in the car but somehow I can deal with that as so much time has passed and it feels like there’s a safety barrier in my mind anytime I think about what happened many years ago.  It’s like a line was drawn to let me survive and move on (providing I stuck to certain avoidance rules) but making contact with the floor has opened it all up again.

 

Edited by olb
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The above is the result of rumination, a compulsion. It's basically a written down version of what goes through your head. All of it is a compulsion. All of it. None of it is the least bit helpful.

You need to learn to quiet down this ruminating. Stopping compulsions is a huge part of OCD recovery.

You still say "the contamination", as if it actually existed. This is mind talk that subtlety keeps you stuck where you are. If you keep saying the contamination, you'll believe it's real.

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Thanks polar it helps to write it as it gets it out, unfortunately I have believed the contamination for years so trying to unbelieve it is difficult!

I am aware I have had other obsessions over the years, and I know eventually they die down, so I have a glimmer of hope that my current obsessions will subside in time. 
I also had a plan to be out of my parents house before 40 and now that’s not going to happen so that’s playing on my mind, like another failure. I’ve been aware of it since early in the year but still not managed to take action.

I could genuinely blame covid for that as I was unable to move a tenant on who didn’t pay and the whole incident has cost me over 10k in arrears and solicitors and gone on nearly 2 years. Another lesson learned not to rent out property. But I know I could have rented somewhere myself by now, therefore I feel like I failed and will be waking up 40 very soon in my parents house.

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Just remember you've put that date figure as important.  It might have been a goal but in real terms it's unimportant unless you make it so.  With most of these things, we self-impose these rules & conditions upon ourselves so we are also at liberty to break them or change the goalposts.

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Thank you , I’m sure I would have been out if we didn’t have covid. The tenant should have been gone in feb 2020, instead they were evicted only a few weeks ago. 
So I guess it wasn’t all in my control.

my life seems to be a series of bad decisions which I pay for later!

 

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