I need to understand this

[Cora]

Please don't close this thread. 

I need to understand the following but I can't do it on my own so I would like to kindly ask for your help.

Yes, I agree, OCD is too much for me to understand at the moment (even though I've been struggling with it for more than 3 years), but is acting on impulses/urges repeatedly and not being able to control your body part of OCD? Yes, maybe I'm just associating my thoughts and feelings with actions, but that can't be the answer for all the tens of incidents, can it? Incidents happen to people every day, both to people with OCD and to people without OCD, but when they happen one after another and keep getting worse, isn't that a cause of concern? Yes, no direct harm was caused to my brother, my cousin or my boyfriend's dog, but that doesn't mean I didn't do something terribly awful to them. 

Please help me understand this. I swear, I'm going crazy! I've been in this cycle for two damn years. I'm 22 and all I do every day is ruminate, hate myself, make sure I don't revisit those certain moments because otherwise I ruminate even more and stay in my room all day doing absolutely nothing, and force myself not to feel ashamed and guilty or put myself down, which is impossible most of the days. I don't want this. I've already ruined my degree (I'm repeating a year, I don't know if I'm going to pass this one, and lost my interest in the course) and wasted so much time in general. I'm tired of asking myself every single day the same questions: why did I do that?/did I cause harm to them?/why did I kiss my brother on the cheek after I har a sexual urge? and so on... 

I just want to understand how this is still OCD if it involves so, so, so many incidents and weird/inappropriate behaviour. 

 

Edited June 14, 2021 by Cora

[Hdigtts]

Hi Cora,

Deep down I think you know the answer to these questions.

 you had a sexual urge and kissing your brother are two unrelated things. They don’t have to have a joint meaning or that one caused the other. 
 

You do not need to find answers to all these questions. 

[Caramoole]

Cora, I do feel very sorry that you feel so bad......but despite that, this is just another desperate plea for reassurance.  They are the same questions with the same answers.  Trying to get better this way, to feel certainty is one of the main reasons that you're staying so stuck for such a long time.  As you describe above, you spend all day ruminating, avoiding situations (and confessing and seeking reassurance), all typical compulsions.

You will not get the answer that will make this go away.  The only way is by gradually addressing your reactions.  Hopefully you can see a therapist soon but then you're going to have to commit to the therapy and follow the advice and the homework she recommends.

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, Hdigtts said:

Hi Cora,

Deep down I think you know the answer to these questions.

 you had a sexual urge and kissing your brother are two unrelated things. They don’t have to have a joint meaning or that one caused the other. 
 

You do not need to find answers to all these questions. 

Hi @Hdigtts, 

Thank you for your reply. 

On some level I do realise that those two moments don't have to have a joint meaning but they happened way too many times (maybe 4 or 5), and that just shows that maybe there is a link between the actions and the respective impulses/urges/feelings, and I just don't know how to make peace with that.

I guess what worries me the most is that I allowed myself to act on those impulses. And people with OCD just don't do that. 

Once again, thank you for your reply, @Hdigtts. Your support means a lot! 

[Cora]

Just now, Caramoole said:

You will not get the answer that will make this go away.  The only way is by gradually addressing your reactions.  Hopefully you can see a therapist soon but then you're going to have to commit to the therapy and follow the advice and the homework she recommends.

Thank you, @Caramoole. 

I'm hoping I can see my therapist sooner that I planned because I really need help and the Primary Care Team are not offering me CBT and ERP.

@Caramoole, a part of me really wants to think that I didn't act on those impulses and urges, but how can I accept that if it happened so, so many times?  

 

[PolarBear]

Cora, as Caramoole said, this is just another continuing compulsion. You want to understand. We all get that. What you don't get is that you trying to understand IS WHAT IS CAUSING YOUR PROBLEM.

We cannot help you to understand. Doing so would be helping you with a major compulsion. And it wouldn't help you anyway. Trust us that we know, for 100% sure, that no answer we give you will end this for you. The doubt will still be there, the thoughts will continue and you'll be back asking us for more help. Again and again.

We are trying to get you off this compulsive cycle.

[Caramoole]

Because your interpretation of the situation is flawed because of OCD......but we've explained this many times.  One more explanation isn't going to help

[Caramoole]

Quote

the Primary Care Team are not offering me CBT and ERP

Did they give you a reason as to why?

[Cora]

6 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Did they give you a reason as to why?

Well, they said they just don't have the required knowledge and qualifications. They only know the basics of OCD. 

[AttemptingToHeal]

@PolarBear
are you saying that realising that things are OCD and not actually real is a compulsion? I may have misunderstood you. That doesn't seem right to me though. One of the steps to getting rid of this is to understand that it's OCD and therefore to be able to ignore it I thought. That's the only way I can separate the thoughts I have from believing they're real and try to get rid of thoughts. Once again, sorry if I've misunderstood you.

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Well, they said they just don't have the required knowledge and qualifications. They only know the basics of OCD. 

They (the person who you are seeing) probably doesn't but the mental health team is made up of many professionals.  As I said to you the other day, you can't be passive about this you have to start asking on yourc8wn behalf.  Why haven't you asked/suggested that you feel it would be helpful for you to be referred to someone within that team.  If they say no, you ask why this isn't possible.  It seems that you were appointed a person to "keep an eye on you" following a crisis.....this isn't enough and you're letting precious time and opportunity pass you by.  Ask the question  Cora.....or go back to your GP as soon as possible and ask if they can intervene on your behalf and get you a referral

[Cora]

Just now, Caramoole said:

They (the person who you are seeing) probably doesn't but the mental health team is made up of many professionals.  As I said to you the other day, you can't be passive about this you have to start asking on yourc8wn behalf.  Why haven't you asked/suggested that you feel it would be helpful for you to be referred to someone within that team.  If they say no, you ask why this isn't possible.  It seems that you were appointed a person to "keep an eye on you" following a crisis.....this isn't enough and you're letting precious time and opportunity pass you by.  Ask the question  Cora.....or go back to your GP as soon as possible and ask if they can intervene on your behalf and get you a referral

I messaged the person I am seeing yesterday telling her that what I really need at the moment is OCD therapy and asking for solutions, such as ending our appointments so I could go back to my therapist. I still haven't heard from her, but I guess she's really busy so I'll wait another day or two. 

[Caramoole]

25 minutes ago, AttemptingToHeal said:

@PolarBear
are you saying that realising that things are OCD and not actually real is a compulsion? I may have misunderstood you. That doesn't seem right to me though. One of the steps to getting rid of this is to understand that it's OCD and therefore to be able to ignore it I thought. That's the only way I can separate the thoughts I have from believing they're real and try to get rid of thoughts. Once again, sorry if I've misunderstood you.

Not quite.......What PB means is that this need to be reassured, to feel certain, to be absolutely sure, to ask the same question again & again is a compulsion.

[Caramoole]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

I messaged the person I am seeing yesterday telling her that what I really need at the moment is OCD therapy and asking for solutions, such as ending our appointments so I could go back to my therapist. I still haven't heard from her, but I guess she's really busy so I'll wait another day or two. 

You shouldn't have to pay to see a private therapist, what you could do with is referring to someone within the mental health team.  Perhaps you could message her again and say, perhaps I didn't explain properly but it's been recommended to me that I should be seeking CBT, how do I go about being referred for this, who do I need to ask?

[AttemptingToHeal]

15 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Not quite.......What PB means is that this need to be reassured, to feel certain, to be absolutely sure, to ask the same question again & again is a compulsion.

Oh I see. Seeking the answer is the problem. Ignoring is not.

[Cora]

8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

You shouldn't have to pay to see a private therapist, what you could do with is referring to someone within the mental health team.  Perhaps you could message her again and say, perhaps I didn't explain properly but it's been recommended to me that I should be seeking CBT, how do I go about being referred for this, who do I need to ask?

@Caramoole, she still hasn't replied yet and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. I just want to go back to therapy. That's all I want at the moment.

I discussed with another sufferer about how I think I acted on ocd impulses and urges and that triggered me a bit. So tonight's not going great. 

[PolarBear]

Given all you've been taught, here and in therapy, what should you be doing?

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

@Caramoole, she still hasn't replied yet and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. I just want to go back to therapy. That's all I want at the moment.

I discussed with another sufferer about how I think I acted on ocd impulses and urges and that triggered me a bit. So tonight's not going great. 

As long as you keep using these compulsions your anxiety will get worse and worse Therapy will only work if you use the information, advice and do the tasks the therapist recommends.  Are you ready to do this Cora?

[Cora]

9 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Are you ready to do this Cora?

I don't know, @Caramoole. I promise, I want to stop this mess and I want to be ready to do this, but this belief that I acted on impulses and hence hurt my brother is so strong and overwhelming. Even though I've been told and reassured by numerous people (people on this forum, my therapist and my boyfriend) that my belief is actually wrong and I need to move on by stopping the compulsions (and vice-versa I guess), I still can't accept that. I don't know... I'm confused...

[felix4]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

I discussed with another sufferer about how I think I acted on ocd impulses and urges and that triggered me a bit. So tonight's not going great. 

Hi Cora,

Do you use other forums other than these OCD-UK ones?

I remember another girl on here years ago that had an almost identical problem to you, & would post on here, & another popular OCD forum. The trouble is, she was clearly getting reassurance fixes on the other forum, but on the flipside, she was getting some quite triggering replies to (troll type users), which I am sure was keeping the OCD cycle going!

I am just saying, be careful if you do, & it better to stick to just the one forum which is moderated better!

 

All the best. 

 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, felix4 said:

Hi Cora,

Do you use other forums other than these OCD-UK ones?

I remember another girl on here years ago that had an almost identical problem to you, & would post on here, & another popular OCD forum. The trouble is, she was clearly getting reassurance fixes on the other forum, but on the flipside, she was getting some quite triggering replies to (troll type users), which I am sure was keeping the OCD cycle going!

I am just saying, be careful if you do, & it better to stick to just the one forum which is moderated better!

 

All the best. 

 

Hi Felix, 

No, I don't use another OCD forum. I did used to though and actually visited it some days ago but I got triggered while reading some posts so I'm not going back there. 

But the other sufferer had all the best intentions; we met on that OCD forum about a year ago and decided to keep in touch as we had similar worries and fears and ocassionaly we share how we feel - we do reassure each other but are trying to reduce that. It's just my fault, I keep reading too much into things that I shouldn't. 

 

[Cora]

@felix4, also I wanted to thank you for taking the time to inform me, I appreciate that. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Cora

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

I don't know, @Caramoole. I promise, I want to stop this mess and I want to be ready to do this, but this belief that I acted on impulses and hence hurt my brother is so strong and overwhelming. Even though I've been told and reassured by numerous people (people on this forum, my therapist and my boyfriend) that my belief is actually wrong and I need to move on by stopping the compulsions (and vice-versa I guess), I still can't accept that. I don't know... I'm confused...

Every sufferers belief is strong, convincing.  If it wasn't it wouldn't have the impact or cause the distress it does.  Facing the challenges set out in therapy does cause anxiety, especially at first.......there isn't a pain free way.......but you're already feeling that level of anxiety every single day anyway....it's a  no brainer Cora.  One is anxiety with the solution of overcoming OCD.......the other is endless daily anxiety.  Try & take that in

[Cora]

9 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Every sufferers belief is strong, convincing.  If it wasn't it wouldn't have the impact or cause the distress it does.  Facing the challenges set out in therapy does cause anxiety, especially at first.......there isn't a pain free way.......but you're already feeling that level of anxiety every single day anyway....it's a  no brainer Cora.  One is anxiety with the solution of overcoming OCD.......the other is endless daily anxiety.  Try & take that in

@Caramoole, one second I feel fine, the next one I can't stop worrying. I don't know what's going on. Plus, the lady from Primary Care Team still hasn't replied and I'm stuck. Can't even focus on my assignments and exam revision.  

[Caramoole]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

Plus, the lady from Primary Care Team still hasn't replied and I'm stuck. 

Why does that make you stuck?  You can start today to use some of the tips and advice you've had here.  When you see a therapist you will have to go away from each session and use her tips and advice in the same way.  You can also do as I've suggested and use your own authority to ask your Primary Care Team for more support, to enquire about CBT with them.......and if not, why not?

Much as I really feel for you Cora, there is a lot of procrastination and resistance from you when it comes to helping yourself.  There is NO magic answer, a therapist is not going to "say something" that suddenly makes this all feel better.  ÝOU are going  to have to make lots of changes to your behaviour & reactions.