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Saying hello, bipolar, and POCD


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Hi everyone

my name is Tezzy, I’m 37, and I’ve been struggling with OCD for pretty much my entire life. Things are quite complicated as I also have bipolar disorder, which means a compulsion can be fuelled by a manic episode, making it even more distressing (does anyone else have ODC/bipolar?). Since I was a teenager My OCD has mainly manifested as a fear of being a peadophile (POCD) and there’s times when my life has been a living hell. POCD is so awful, a crazy paradox, where you have absolutely no desire or attraction towards children but fear you secretly do. So many things lead me to check if I’m feeling attraction, leading to a groinal response, which feeds the OCD. You feel totally isolated, who can you talk? Most people just think OCD is a hand washing thing so how would they react if you them about your fears, would they just think you’re secretly a peadophile? Having bipolar has made it so much worse, like throwing fuel on the fire, the calmness you need to overcome a trigger just isn’t there. I sometimes feel like I have the Stasi in my head, monitoring my thoughts for any infractions. There are days I feel so dirty, my head full of unwanted thoughts, and I’d give anything to feel clean. 

there have been a few moments of hope. I went to an OCD support group, it was full of wonderful people, one who even had POCD, which made me feel less alone (unfortunately it was too far away for me to attend regularly). I’m trying to learn more about my OCD, my triggers, coming up with strategies, I’m also going to go back into therapy soon. I’m really glad this forum exists and if anyone has any experiences or advice I’d love to hear it

thanks for reading x

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