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Household bacteria contamination - how do I stop feeling so anxious about this?


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I think I remember a time when I was very worried about viruses that cause stomach bugs but didn't feel too worried about household bacteria.

At that time my family used to cook raw meat (whereas now I'm so scared that we eat pre-cooked meat only) and I used to walk around the house barefoot, let the cats that we had at the time sleep on my bed and generally didn't stress too much about household bacteria. 

Now I'm (and probably for the last six/seven years I have been) scared of any and all contamination (e.g. bacteria, viruses, moulds/fungi, chemicals). Household bacteria in particular is something I worry about every day. I know that ERP will help me to see that I can expose myself to household bacteria and nothing will happen but is there any cognitive restructuring I can do for this? 

An example of one of the silly things that I worry about: A few minutes ago I went to get my laundry out from the washing machine and one of my long hairs got attached to the washing on one end and touched the kitchen floor the other end. Our kitchen floor hasn't been cleaned for far too long due to my OCD (I feel like I have to be the one to clean it BUT I keep putting it off because it's such a huge, overwhelming job for me [involving multiple pairs of gloves, packets of wipes, bleach [which also leads to more anxiety], hours of cleaning and then a very long shower] so the kitchen floor is probably absolutely covered in bacteria and some of those strains might be harmful. This time I decided to just put my washing across to the dryer and ignore the worry (which is a big win) but still felt the need to wash my arms and change my top afterwards. Ideally I would get to a place of experiencing no anxiety in this type of situation (and also of mopping the floor regularly because it's grose not to and not through fear of contamination!). 

Edited by BelAnna
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1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

I think I remember a time when I was very worried about viruses that cause stomach bugs but didn't feel too worried about household bacteria.

At that time my family used to cook raw meat (whereas now I'm so scared that we eat pre-cooked meat only) and I used to walk around the house barefoot, let the cats that we had at the time sleep on my bed and generally didn't stress too much about household bacteria. 

Now I'm (and probably for the last six/seven years I have been) scared of any and all contamination (e.g. bacteria, viruses, moulds/fungi, chemicals). Household bacteria in particular is something I worry about every day. I know that ERP will help me to see that I can expose myself to household bacteria and nothing will happen but is there any cognitive restructuring I can do for this? 

An example of one of the silly things that I worry about: A few minutes ago I went to get my laundry out from the washing machine and one of my long hairs got attached to the washing on one end and touched the kitchen floor the other end. Our kitchen floor hasn't been cleaned for far too long due to my OCD (I feel like I have to be the one to clean it BUT I keep putting it off because it's such a huge, overwhelming job for me [involving multiple pairs of gloves, packets of wipes, bleach [which also leads to more anxiety], hours of cleaning and then a very long shower] so the kitchen floor is probably absolutely covered in bacteria and some of those strains might be harmful. This time I decided to just put my washing across to the dryer and ignore the worry (which is a big win) but still felt the need to wash my arms and change my top afterwards. Ideally I would get to a place of experiencing no anxiety in this type of situation (and also of mopping the floor regularly because it's grose not to and not through fear of contamination!). 

Hi @BelAnna I have experienced exactly the same as you. My family (and me!) used to always cook raw meat and we had cats in the house and I never gave it a second thought. In terms of cognitive restructuring, I would look at the fact that none of those things used to bother you because your brain was wired to know that it wasn’t a threat, and you would deal with actual bacteria like raw meat in a normal, not fearful way because you trusted what was right and wrong in those situations. With ocd, our brain sees everything as a threat and we forget that we have so many memories embedded in us from early age of how to respond to situations. It’s all still there, it’s just trying to access it and learn to trust ourselves. I don’t know if this is making any sense. And it’s easier said than done I know! 
with the washing again I am the same. However someone without ocd wouldn’t even notice the hair and definitely wouldn’t associate it with a dirty kitchen floor. My mum has literally picked dropped washing off the floor and stuck it in the dryer. The dryer also kills off anything in the heat. I would try to focus on remembering how you used to walk around barefoot all the time, as do most people at home and you were absolutely fine. People do these things daily, we just pay so much attention to every detail. With mopping the floor, have you ever thought about getting one of those flash mops? They’re only about a tenner and you just attach a floor wipe to the end and dispose after. It’s the easiest thing to do because it would eliminate the need for gloves, bleach etc. If you struggled with what to do with the wipe afterwards, you could ask someone in your house to remove it first and then build up to doing it? Not sure if any of this helps but you’re not alone! But also not under any kind of threat whatsoever, no matter how long the kitchen floor hasn’t been cleaned. To give an example (can’t believe I once did this!!!) but I walked barefoot from hove to Brighton and came home and didn’t even think about it, just got a shower and went back out. Nothing happened to me! Didn’t clean the shower, I went in my room and didn’t think about the carpet- nothing. It was freedom! We can all get back to having that freedom

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37 minutes ago, Ziggyy said:

Hi @BelAnna I have experienced exactly the same as you. My family (and me!) used to always cook raw meat and we had cats in the house and I never gave it a second thought. In terms of cognitive restructuring, I would look at the fact that none of those things used to bother you because your brain was wired to know that it wasn’t a threat, and you would deal with actual bacteria like raw meat in a normal, not fearful way because you trusted what was right and wrong in those situations. With ocd, our brain sees everything as a threat and we forget that we have so many memories embedded in us from early age of how to respond to situations. It’s all still there, it’s just trying to access it and learn to trust ourselves. I don’t know if this is making any sense. And it’s easier said than done I know! 
with the washing again I am the same. However someone without ocd wouldn’t even notice the hair and definitely wouldn’t associate it with a dirty kitchen floor. My mum has literally picked dropped washing off the floor and stuck it in the dryer. The dryer also kills off anything in the heat. I would try to focus on remembering how you used to walk around barefoot all the time, as do most people at home and you were absolutely fine. People do these things daily, we just pay so much attention to every detail. With mopping the floor, have you ever thought about getting one of those flash mops? They’re only about a tenner and you just attach a floor wipe to the end and dispose after. It’s the easiest thing to do because it would eliminate the need for gloves, bleach etc. If you struggled with what to do with the wipe afterwards, you could ask someone in your house to remove it first and then build up to doing it? Not sure if any of this helps but you’re not alone! But also not under any kind of threat whatsoever, no matter how long the kitchen floor hasn’t been cleaned. To give an example (can’t believe I once did this!!!) but I walked barefoot from hove to Brighton and came home and didn’t even think about it, just got a shower and went back out. Nothing happened to me! Didn’t clean the shower, I went in my room and didn’t think about the carpet- nothing. It was freedom! We can all get back to having that freedom

Thanks so much Ziggyy! Wow that's great about the walking barefoot! was that in pre-OCD days? how did that happen?

That's really helpful to think about the fact that all of the things we learn when younger about what is safe (including preparing raw meat with a quick handwash afterwards) are still embedded in memory somewhere- that must be true. 

I do have a Flash mop and also a Vileda one, which also has a removable end and that you fill with liquid and they are much better than standard mops because you don't have to re-use the same mop head. My biggest problem is really that our kitchen flooring is old linoleum, which has broken in places so there are crevices where tiny bits of dropped food, pet hair and fluff collect and also things like small amounts of spilled coffee/liquids (that are very caked on) have also collected on the floor so the mop doesn't do a great job by itself and I end up having to lean over with both rubber gloves and disposable gloves on and wipe up the worst of it; which obviously is hugely anxiety provoking and then I have to ask someone to give me hand sanitizer and new gloves afterwards. It takes hours! 

 

 

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5 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Thanks so much Ziggyy! Wow that's great about the walking barefoot! was that in pre-OCD days? how did that happen?

That's really helpful to think about the fact that all of the things we learn when younger about what is safe (including preparing raw meat with a quick handwash afterwards) are still embedded in memory somewhere- that must be true. 

I do have a Flash mop and also a Vileda one, which also has a removable end and that you fill with liquid and they are much better than standard mops because you don't have to re-use the same mop head. My biggest problem is really that our kitchen flooring is old linoleum, which has broken in places so there are crevices where tiny bits of dropped food, pet hair and fluff collect and also things like small amounts of spilled coffee/liquids (that are very caked on) have also collected on the floor so the mop doesn't do a great job by itself and I end up having to lean over with both rubber gloves and disposable gloves on and wipe up the worst of it; which obviously is hugely anxiety provoking and then I have to ask someone to give me hand sanitizer and new gloves afterwards. It takes hours! 

 

 

Yeah the walking barefoot was pre-ocd! How I miss the freedom of those days!! I can’t believe I even did that it’s gross, but obviously I didn’t really think much of it at the time! 
 

ah I see. Well I know you find those things really triggering but maybe you could use one of those small hoover attachments in the crevices to suck it up? And then maybe there’s something you could spray on the floor to dissolve the caked on stuff and leave it for a while to do it’s job, then maybe mopping would be a quicker and less anxious job? Remember as well that you will be looking for perfection and checking every part of the floor. It doesn’t have to be spotless. We don’t even mop our kitchen often, mostly just gets hoovered. Try and think of how you used to feel about the floors pre-OCD when you’re doing that task or feeling particularly anxious about it. 
if it helps at all- today I finally actually went out to the shop and thankfully I looked down as I was walking because someone had left dog poo that was all walked in inside the shopping centre floor!! I just missed it by a few centimetres. It was outside a shop I’d just been in and when I was there I dropped an item and an employee picked it up for me and put it back in my arms. After I’d seen the poo (which I didn’t notice in the way in) I started thinking about the item that had been on the floor and then on me and in a bag with everything else!! But I’m still here, unharmed. Nothing happened to me even though I imagined the germs were spread and worried someone had stepped in it and then been in that shop. Also think about the fact that people store their shoes in their room or people with dressing rooms that keep all their shoes on shelves and they don’t worry about the soles of them. I can guarantee they aren’t cleaning them all the time or worrying. 
hope this helps!

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@BelAnnaI kind of went off track but I meant it as an example that household bacteria is way less than outside and everyone is still always fine! Even if you haven’t cleaned your kitchen floor in a while it’s still ok. Babies always crawl on floors and touch things and they have poor immune systems!

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What we're really talking about here is the experience of feeling anxiety & fear.....not the particular issue, contamination (or whatever the obsession is) but the resulting emotional & physical response.  Has your therapist worked with you about how you work to improve this?  You don't need me to tell you that it is the compulsions that maintain the problem.  There are people who live permanently in filth, who don't wash their hands, who never clean a toilet, who shove pots, cans, pet bowls, crumbs aside to find a space to butter a slice of bread.  I've shovelled more sh#t in my time than I care to remember.......in the 70's (working in homes & hospitals) we didn't have disposable gloves or hand sanitiser.....it was bare hands.  I've got soiled picking dog mess up and sufficed with wiping my hands on grass.  And there will be millions like me.....and yet, I've never had so much as a tummy upset....much less a life-threatening risk.  So it's not really about risk, it's about emotion & fear and avoidance.  

You ask how you stop feeling anxious.....at first you probably can't......but I suspect you're anxious anyway, despite putting all of these measures and rituals in place.  You fear getting sick....something that at worst will generally last 48-ish hours....times that by 3 times a year (6 days)........and yet, you'll live with horrendous anxiety and restrictions 365 days a year......for years, decades.

It's time to face this BelAnna.  I'm really pleased you're getting some psychological support right now.....trust in it, please.  Get that hierarchy in place and work it every day....even when it hurts, the dividends are so worth the anxiety.

OCD is vile, it's frightening beyond most peoples understanding.....but if you start to challenge it and walk towards fear you'll find much of it is a case of smoke & mirrors and not as dastardly as you believe it to be.

I can't remember when you first came to the forum (because I think you changed names) but it's been a very long time......don't let OCD take much more of your life.....you can have a successful  life despite it.  It's time for that. :)

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Hi Caramoole,

Thank you, that's a great way to reframe it. I've had 10 or fewer sickness bugs in my life so I guess I've been sick with them for a total of about 20-30 days out of my 10/11 thousand days of life!

That's really good to know that you dealt with lots of poo without any illness- thank you! Actually thinking about it my dog had a dippy stomach for years so I'd have to mop up her fur (she's very fluffy and it would get stuck on it ?) and I also used to have to deal with my Gran's incontinence when she had Dementia (she literally would try to smear poo on you whilst you cleaned her/the bathroom etc. as she had very challenging behaviour) so I do sort of know that you have to actually ingest some to fall ill but my brain hasn't really caught up with that! 

I still feel like the real problem is germs and I really need to get my head around the fact that the real problem is my anxiety/fear about germs! 

I feel really hopeless about my life at the moment (I'm not suicidal though) and have a lot of regret about the past and about how my OCD has affected my life. I have been on the forum since my teens so since the late noughties!) but hopefully things will get better if I face some of these challenges. 

I'm living with my parents who are in the process of tidying/cleaning up and selling their house and moving 300 miles to a smaller house so I'm also feeling incredibly stressed about that! 

Sorry for such a late reply! 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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On 20/06/2021 at 21:25, Ziggyy said:

Yeah the walking barefoot was pre-ocd! How I miss the freedom of those days!! I can’t believe I even did that it’s gross, but obviously I didn’t really think much of it at the time! 
 

ah I see. Well I know you find those things really triggering but maybe you could use one of those small hoover attachments in the crevices to suck it up? And then maybe there’s something you could spray on the floor to dissolve the caked on stuff and leave it for a while to do it’s job, then maybe mopping would be a quicker and less anxious job? Remember as well that you will be looking for perfection and checking every part of the floor. It doesn’t have to be spotless. We don’t even mop our kitchen often, mostly just gets hoovered. Try and think of how you used to feel about the floors pre-OCD when you’re doing that task or feeling particularly anxious about it. 
if it helps at all- today I finally actually went out to the shop and thankfully I looked down as I was walking because someone had left dog poo that was all walked in inside the shopping centre floor!! I just missed it by a few centimetres. It was outside a shop I’d just been in and when I was there I dropped an item and an employee picked it up for me and put it back in my arms. After I’d seen the poo (which I didn’t notice in the way in) I started thinking about the item that had been on the floor and then on me and in a bag with everything else!! But I’m still here, unharmed. Nothing happened to me even though I imagined the germs were spread and worried someone had stepped in it and then been in that shop. Also think about the fact that people store their shoes in their room or people with dressing rooms that keep all their shoes on shelves and they don’t worry about the soles of them. I can guarantee they aren’t cleaning them all the time or worrying. 
hope this helps!

Wow, really impressed about the walking barefoot- but I can see why you miss those days! 

Thanks so much for the support with the floor cleaning- I got it done the other day. It took me hours and I got very stressed but maybe one step less stressed than last time. I tried to ignore any thoughts about 'spreading contamination' after I had finished and showered so that was better at least. 

Well done for keeping your shopping and coping with that dog poo situation! that's amazing! I've struggled a bit with dog poo in the last fortnight as we've started walking on a local field and there seems to be poo everywhere! Despite being as careful as we could there was one day when the group of four of us all got small amounts of dog's muck on our shoes and I found it really difficult!  We're all okay though and I imagine it happens to other people but they just don't look/notice! 

How are things for you this week?

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Hi BelAnna,

Well done on the progress you've made recently. :)

4 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I still feel like the real problem is germs and I really need to get my head around the fact that the real problem is my anxiety/fear about germs! 

I agree the real problem (as you say) is nothing to do with the actual germs at all. Your logical mind understands the risks are not worthy of the precautions you take. But perhaps it's not even about your anxiety over germs either. :unsure:

Rather, could it be you use germ control as a way of maintaining control over your life in general?

If I suggested two alternatives:

1. you could live in a guaranteed germ-free bubble, but there'd be no routine, with choas and unpredictability from day to day...or

2. you could live in an environment where germs that cause tummy upsets are always present, but you have all the cleaning equipment and time to clean that you desire...

which would you chose?

If you choose the thing you reportedly fear it suggests the alternative is a bigger fear.

In which case you could work on your self-confidence 'Whatever happens I'll handle it. I'll be fine. I don't need to control the world to be happy' etc.  as part of your cognitive therapy.

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I sometimes think if you can’t see or smell something then it’s clean enough. However I can see also how people will worry more right now when they are told to be extra clean to avoid an invisible virus. 
I actually have not been concerned at all about viruses as my mind worries more about mental contamination. It’s like nothing can be worse than the invisible contamination I’ve had to deal with. 

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7 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I have been on the forum since my teens so since the late noughties!)

I know.....and this is one of the things that saddens me on your behalf.  You have so much to offer the world Belanna and and deserve to be living a fuller existence than this.  I promise you there is nothing to fear other than fear itself......and you already live with that on a daily basis.

It's time for a change :)

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3 hours ago, snowbear said:

Hi BelAnna,

Well done on the progress you've made recently. :)

I agree the real problem (as you say) is nothing to do with the actual germs at all. Your logical mind understands the risks are not worthy of the precautions you take. But perhaps it's not even about your anxiety over germs either. :unsure:

Rather, could it be you use germ control as a way of maintaining control over your life in general?

If I suggested two alternatives:

1. you could live in a guaranteed germ-free bubble, but there'd be no routine, with choas and unpredictability from day to day...or

2. you could live in an environment where germs that cause tummy upsets are always present, but you have all the cleaning equipment and time to clean that you desire...

which would you chose?

If you choose the thing you reportedly fear it suggests the alternative is a bigger fear.

In which case you could work on your self-confidence 'Whatever happens I'll handle it. I'll be fine. I don't need to control the world to be happy' etc.  as part of your cognitive therapy.

Hi Snowbear, 

I think that some of my OCD is to do with controlling the world around me but with the Emetophobia-contamination-OCD aspect I would definitely choose and do actually think I would cope far better IN a germ-free bubble with no routine, with chaos, unpredictability etc. and no need to clean! I have a fairly straightforward fear of catching infection and being sick so if that was taken away then that one aspect of my OCD wouldn't be a problem. I see the world as covered in potentially harmful bacteria/viruses etc. so it would also change how dangerous I felt the world was. 

I guess if you said that I had to choose between never feeling any of the feelings I have surrounding vomiting/contamination etc. again (which at times is just absolute terror!) OR never vomiting again (but feeling the same terror/panic in other situations) then I might choose to never feel the same feelings again- i.e. get rid of the feeling rather than the vomiting.

I still do think that the world is a germy place and that if everyone was as clean as someone with a germ-contamination obsession then there'd be very few viruses in circulation so I need to challenge that somehow! 

 

2 hours ago, olb said:

I sometimes think if you can’t see or smell something then it’s clean enough. However I can see also how people will worry more right now when they are told to be extra clean to avoid an invisible virus. 
I actually have not been concerned at all about viruses as my mind worries more about mental contamination. It’s like nothing can be worse than the invisible contamination I’ve had to deal with. 

Hi Olb, 

I guess that demonstrates perfectly how it's the 'feelings' attached to the contamination obsession that are the problem rather than the actual contamination. It's the fear/terror and the feeling of responsibility for limiting/eliminating the spread of contamination that are the real problems! 

 

24 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I know.....and this is one of the things that saddens me on your behalf.  You have so much to offer the world Belanna and and deserve to be living a fuller existence than this.  I promise you there is nothing to fear other than fear itself......and you already live with that on a daily basis.

It's time for a change :)

Thanks Caramoole! I think the problem is that I have lost so much (early 30s, no relationship, no job= no money, few friends, obviously no house/car of my own etc.) that I actually can't see a clear path forward/a better future at the moment. Sorry I know that's a pity party and other people have lots of horrible things to cope with but it feels like I'm just completely stuck and have been for over a decade! 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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37 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

Thanks Caramoole! I think the problem is that I have lost so much (early 30s, no relationship, no job= no money, few friends, obviously no house/car of my own etc.) that I actually can't see a clear path forward/a better future at the moment. Sorry I know that's a pity party and other people have lots of horrible things to cope with but it feels like I'm just completely stuck and have been for over a decade! 

 

Even more reason for change.  Trust me (and you'll know this one day) early thirties is very young....as I said, time to find that resolve to change.....step by step

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On 28/06/2021 at 23:17, Caramoole said:

Even more reason for change.  Trust me (and you'll know this one day) early thirties is very young....as I said, time to find that resolve to change.....step by step

Thanks Caramoole!

I think my current Psychologist is really helping. I think it's the collateral damage/fallout from OCD that's really difficult to deal with though! 

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