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Cora

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Cora

Cora

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Hello everyone,

I'm back with a couple of worries. I apologise beforehand for all the details and for any discomfort they may bring to you.

Two nights ago I was at my boyfriend's house and I brought up the subject that we've been less and less intimate. I sounded quite upset (and maybe even demanding) and I immediately felt bad for saying what I said as it came out pretty mean. About 15-20 minutes later, while we were cuddling, my boyfriend started kissing me and then we had sex.

After it happened, I was very upset and angry with myself and even cried at some point. I kept thinking that I forced my boyfriend to be intimate with me because of what I said. He kept reassuring me that I didn't and it was all consensual. But I couldn't believe him. I started crying again. I felt horrible and all I wanted was to sleep, hoping things would be better in the morning. I was wrong - things were the same if not worse. I kept looking for reassurance from my boyfriend and even though the answer was always the same, my head was telling me that he was lying to me only so I wouldn't feel bad.

Things got worse when later that day I saw a post on social media (I downloaded it again, big mistake!) about sexual abuse and I starting panicking that I abused my boyfriend. Before we had sex, I showed him through kisses and touches that I would like to be intimate with him, and now I'm scared that I crossed the line by doing that as well.

The second worry is that when we were being intimate, I kept having inappropriate thoughts and images of children. And it seemed that I felt more aroused by them than by my boyfriend. It felt (and it still feels) wrong.

What do you think about all this, especially the first part? Do you think I did something bad? Please, be honest. 

Edited by Cora
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Cora

Cora

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31 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Once again, no reassurance, Cora. This has to stop. And you have to suck it up and stop asking your partner for reassurance. And stop Googling.

But,@PolarBear, this sounds like something serious. It doesn't feel like an OCD problem. Yes, the ruminating and asking for reassurance are OCD, but how about what actually happened? What's your opinion? Do you think something bad happened? 

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PolarBear

PolarBear

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Cora, you need to stand back and see all these instances together. They are all the same. (Deja vu, I've said this before).

All of your obsessions, as individually distinct as they seem to you, all have the same, basic core: they all leave you feeling like you've done something bad and therefore that must make you a bad person. Think about that for a minute. Every single time you have come here and confessed, what you are confessing about leaves you thinking you are bad, disgusting, etc.

And then you do your compulsions. You confess to your partner and seek reassurance. Then you come here, confess and seek reassurance. Every. Single. Time.

If I could talk to your partner, I would explain why giving reassurance is pointless and harmful, in the hope he would stop doing it.

We have stopped giving you reassurance.  It went on too long and we are no longer helping uou with your compulsions. I know, I know, but this time it seems really bad and serious! Yeah, and so did the last time, and the one before that and the one before that.

 

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Cora

Cora

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Thank you, @PolarBear, @Caramoole and @iamwesker. 

I'm not thinking about this issue that much. And that is because I've got something else to worry about.

I'm feeling a bit stressed and even run-down (or something similar) and I'm starting to ruminate over old worries. I keep asking myself whether I behaved inappropriately by kissing (on the cheek) or hugging my brother after having sexual thoughts, feelings and urges. And I was fine for a while. Managed to not think about it (or think very little) for a week. But now it feels like that week never happened. I don't get it. 

I also keep noticing (and being amazed by) how my brother has some really beautiful physical characteristics, and how he's growing up and changing so much. And while there's nothing wrong with that, it feels like I always cross a line. Let me explain. For example, I would look at him and think to myself: 'Wow, he's grown so much. And look at how tall he is! He is the cutest!' and it all feels normal until I think and feel too much about it. And the feeling part is probably the worst: it's like a very inappropriate and strange love. It's sibling love until it feels like so much more. And it makes me feel confused and disgusted with myself. 

Plus, sometimes these thoughts make me want to give him a big hug and kiss but it feels wrong and impulsive. 

I'm probably repeating myself but I'm having not a very nice day and needed to talk (more like confess) to someone.  

Edited by Cora
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Caramoole

Caramoole

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I understand it's difficult Cora but until you're ready to work on this and try and make some changes, things are going to remain difficult.  You're getting by, having an odd good week and then a return of symptoms because you're relying on what life throws up at any particular time, rather than because you're trying tp make any active changes....it's all down to chance.  Once again you're here using the forum to confess, use compulsions.  That's why it's not useful for anyone to offer any feedback on these things

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