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I can't believe it's back


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My main obsession is back, the one for I created this account, back in 2017. Pedophilia obsession has turned into incest obsession because my sister just turned 14, so she's technically not a child anymore, her body is developed since last year more so, and I've been having worries from time to time since last summer, on and off, but nothing sticky (some checking compulsions looking at her body and so) until last night... I looked at her tits, and I really felt attracted, I felt sure. I was sure and I worried a little bit but managed to just let it pass and go to bed.

So I woke up this morning, and it was back on track. Strong. I started doing compulsions ALL OVER AGAIN as if everything I've done these past months were for nothing. Looked at her body, checked for attraction/arousal. Then went to the bathroom and started creating sexual scenarios in my mind, letting me feel whatever I was supposed to feel... So I can finally come to a conclusion! Feeling I wanted to get aroused by them... I was disgusted, I thought maybe if she wasn't my sister I'd be attracted to her... then I freaked a little but calmed down thinking she wouldn't be my sister, she would be a whole other person. Then I felt relief when I checked I wasn't wet down there.

I stated in my mind that even though I feel attracted to her, I don't like fantasizing about having sex with her and such sexual scenarios... however, an incestuous person would not like having the urge to fantasize about their relative, they might feel ashamed about their paraphilia but would enjoy the process, right? I think it's different. What do you guys think? 

Edited by lily17
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Also, can OCD make you be so sure about something you haven't worried for a long while? My therapist told me OCD obsessions cannot become real however once you stop obsessing about it, there's a chance you realise the attraction is real (in my case) so I'm worried this is my case ?

P.S: last night when I truly felt attracted to her, I was calm, It scared me a bit but I was CALM and it wasn't because I knew It was OCD... This terrifies me.

 

Edited by lily17
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Hey. You fell for it. Your OCD sent you a strong obsession and instead of leaving it alone, you treated it seriously, did compulsions and now feel miserable.

Brush off what you learned before. It worked before and it will work again.

I for one am not going to give you rhe reassurance you seek. It won't help you.

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Lily, back on track.  You know the drill.  you've identified a whole load of compulsions there.....not least of which is rumination.  The skills your learned in therapy aren't meant for a one off episode, they're there to be employed when something like this crops up. Learning how to turn it around again is the next step in your ability to stay in control :)

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