Jump to content

So exhausted with living in absolute fear 24/7


Recommended Posts

Ok I’m so so done with having such detailed thoughts. I miss freedom of my mind. I really need somewhere to turn so I’m writing here because I feel I don’t know how much more I can take. 
my fear of toilets is so extreme now I can’t go more than a couple hours at night after showering where I can sit and relax and try eat. The rest of the time I’m on my feet, yes doing compulsions and trying to get through a day. I assess my behaviour every night and vow the next day will be different but it never is. And because the toilet has real germs, I can’t ignore it. 
today something black flew up in the air out the toilet when I flushed it. Don’t know if it was a fly/spider/that gunk build up you get in the flush holes. Whatever it was freaked me out and long story short I finally got showered and got into bed. Only to discover a spider crawling across me in bed. Which now leads to thoughts that it was from the toilet (my room is next to the bathroom and my door was open all day). Now all I can think of is it’s crawled everywhere in my room and bed and may have been what was in the toilet. I know flies etc go everywhere and nowhere thinks of where they’ve been but this is the 50th incident today and I’m shattered and want to give up. Please don’t tell me toilets don’t harm either, I havent cleaned mine in a while because I’m too unstable. I just don’t know how to stop this. It’s a vicious cycle- not cleaning toilet makes anxiety worse. 
anyway, I know what I should be doing, no compulsions etc. But I’m at a place where I Won’t sit down/eat/sleep unless I’m not contaminated by a flush splash etc. So it’s very unhealthy and worrying. I’m worried for myself

Link to comment

Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

Now for tough love. Your fear is completely and utterly irrational. It is make believe, created by your mind. This is not about a dirty toilet. This is about you believing a thought and doing a whole bunch of completely unnecessary rituals.

You have the power to change what you do. You can stop believing rhe thoughts. You can cut down and eliminate your compulsions. You don't have to live like this.

Link to comment

Polar Bear is quite right, your fear is out of all proportion and irrational.  The risk from catching anything at all (never mind anything dangerous) from your toilet is close to zero.  So that brings the problem back to your thinking and reactions in relation to the fear.  Unbelievable as that ay seem, that is good news because it does mean that you can work your way through this :)

Link to comment

You have identified a vicious circle which is common in OCD with regard to contamination issues. The circle is motivated by not cleaning the toilet and not cleaning the toilet is avoidance. The answer is to clean the toilet. Even then you might be affected by residual toilet fear such as flush splash but you can slowly work on these fears.

Link to comment
On 27/06/2021 at 00:51, Ziggyy said:

Ok I’m so so done with having such detailed thoughts. I miss freedom of my mind. I really need somewhere to turn so I’m writing here because I feel I don’t know how much more I can take. 
my fear of toilets is so extreme now I can’t go more than a couple hours at night after showering where I can sit and relax and try eat. The rest of the time I’m on my feet, yes doing compulsions and trying to get through a day. I assess my behaviour every night and vow the next day will be different but it never is. And because the toilet has real germs, I can’t ignore it. 
today something black flew up in the air out the toilet when I flushed it. Don’t know if it was a fly/spider/that gunk build up you get in the flush holes. Whatever it was freaked me out and long story short I finally got showered and got into bed. Only to discover a spider crawling across me in bed. Which now leads to thoughts that it was from the toilet (my room is next to the bathroom and my door was open all day). Now all I can think of is it’s crawled everywhere in my room and bed and may have been what was in the toilet. I know flies etc go everywhere and nowhere thinks of where they’ve been but this is the 50th incident today and I’m shattered and want to give up. Please don’t tell me toilets don’t harm either, I havent cleaned mine in a while because I’m too unstable. I just don’t know how to stop this. It’s a vicious cycle- not cleaning toilet makes anxiety worse. 
anyway, I know what I should be doing, no compulsions etc. But I’m at a place where I Won’t sit down/eat/sleep unless I’m not contaminated by a flush splash etc. So it’s very unhealthy and worrying. I’m worried for myself

Hi Ziggyy,

That sounds so difficult! Remember though that you could do nothing and nothing would come of it! You could literally just go to the toilet and then wash your hands and you'd be absolutely fine! Even if you haven't cleaned your loo for quite a long time, even if it's visibly less than spotless or even looks grotty, it's your own bacteria and won't harm you.

I'm sorry I can't remember- are you on the waiting list for CBT?

Edited by BelAnna
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...