POCD, dreams and reality

[Woman]

Hi there, 

I am new here and I am glad that I've found these forums. 

I am female, 39 years old, and I have suffered from OCD for almost my whole life. I was diagnosed when I was 16. I have already had almost every type of OCD. I have had many therapies and I was in hospital many times because of my OCD. I take medicines.

Thoughts of POCD I have had sometimes in my life, when friends got children. But now I am a Mom, and it became worse.

My child (a boy) is now 1,5 years old, and I got thoughts of POCD directly after his birth. 

I love my child more than anyone else, he means everything to me, and I am a mom who would die for her child. 

I have learned much with the help of therapies and medicines help me to be able to live. 

But now I have a big problem. My child sleeps in his own bed next to mine. When he cannot sleep and when he cries for a long time, I take him in my bed with me. 

Today it was the second time that I woke up and had a concrete happening in my head. It was a happening about doing sexual things with my child. That's so horrible for me. My problem is now that I don't know whether this happening was real (what would mean I really did something really horrible) or a dream. It was one of both possibilities, but I don't know which. And that drives me crazy and makes me feel so bad and powerless.

My questions to you are now:

Does anybody of you know the problem of not knowing whether something happened in reality or only in a dream?

Can anybody tell me how I can differentiate it? 

Help is really appreciated. 

Thank you so much.

[Woman]

I really hope that somebody will answer me. I am scared. 

[Pikachu]

I would bet money it was just in your head, especially if you just woke up and had that thought and it’s your OCD theme. False memories (or being scared you have harmed someone) is another way OCD can try to catch you out. 

[Woman]

Thank you so much for your answer, Pikachu. I've been waiting so bad for an answer.

I am so confused and have panic because I cannot differentiate it. Dealing with thoughts is the one thing, but not knowing if thoughts or reality something completely different.

I hope so much that some more members will answer. 

Thank you again so much Pikachu, I really appreciate your answer. 

[Woman]

Oh Pikachu, I've forgotten to write something: It was not only a thought by waking up, it was a film with a clear plot, and I can clearly say that it was either a dream or reality.

[Avo]

Hi Woman,

I really sympathise as I have a similar 'theme' . I have had upsetting dreams around my own son who is 8. 

OCD prays on the things we hold most dear - the things that are the complete opposite of our moral compass.  You need to be careful with rumination here. analysing this dream from numerous angles will only succeed in momentary relief. OCD demands and takes more from us no amount of re-assurance will ever be enough for OCD. 

you say you have had therapy in the past. did you have CBT? can you look back on what you have learned in the past to help you with the current issues you have?

[Woman]

Thank you so much Avo. Yes, it is CBT. The problem is that it's somehow a new issue, not the topic, but the occurance at night, so that I don't know whether dream or reality. It is not "only thoughts", so I don't know what to do. And if it should have been reality, than I would have a really horrible problem, worse than OCD. 

You say you have had upsetting dreams with the same topic. Did you have problems with differentiating whether dream or reality?

Thanks so much again! 

 

 

[Avo]

I think when we have intense OCD intrusions we can doubt everything. I have had many disturbing dreams. if I ruminate too much about anything I can doubt myself. the more we engage with the worry the more we doubt. it sounds counter productive but you need to try and stop the rumination using the CBT you learned. if you stop feeding the worry it will fade. 

I think from what you describe the new issue is essentially a new intrusive thought on a familiar theme. you have had the thought 'was this a dream or reality' and you are trying to figure it out. 

try and stop the rumination.

 

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, Woman said:

I don't know whether dream or reality.

Point #1. You woke up, therefore it was a dream. No matter how real it feels upon waking, the fact you woke up means you were asleep.

Point # 2. You know you'd not have acted on the thoughts in a million years if you'd been awake and alert.

Point #3. You're ruminating on whether you could have done this in your sleep. Were you asleep in the 'film' in your head? Awake in the film while asleep in reality makes it a dream.

Treat it the same as intrusive thoughts you get while awake. Dismiss it as nonsense.

Intrusive thoughts attack the things we hold most dear and dreams are exactly the same.

[Woman]

Thank you very much, snowbear. 

Do you know the status of half sleeping and half being awake? My concern is that I was in this status, when I could have done it. 

I appreciate your help so much! 

[Caramoole]

Hi Woman and  to the forum

Quote

But now I am a Mom, and it became worse.

So it's something you worry about a lot because it's abhorrent to you.  Dreams are just another thought process, your brain going through things whilst asleep.  It's hardly surprising that this content appeared in your dreams.  Now the important thing.....that's where you have to park it, to leave the thought alone and treat it like any other unwanted thought.  Your worries about your Son aren't anything to do with you being a danger to him or a latent paedophile, quite the opposite.  They are a result of one of those common fears "What if I lost control and abused/hurt my Son"  Having once had this thought it petrifies you, you start doing compulsions, ruminating, seeking reassurance, craving certainty.......and Bang, it's got you!!

So from today, try and do it differently.  Be aware of the cause.  Stop seeking the certainty and work hard on those compulsions.  Don't build on this incident, let it pass and work on ignoring the nagging doubts.

[Handy]

13 hours ago, Woman said:

Thank you very much, snowbear. 

Do you know the status of half sleeping and half being awake? My concern is that I was in this status, when I could have done it. 

I appreciate your help so much! 

It’s called Post Partum OCD.  
 

Sleep is our subconscious state & it can leak out a little if you wake up in middle of a dream.   

[Caramoole]

9 hours ago, Handy said:

It’s called Post Partum OCD.  
 

Not necessarily Handy.  Woman has explained that she has suffered from OCD most of her life, not following the birth of her child.  The worries about her child are just another obsession in a long list of other obsessions

[Woman]

Thanks so much everybody for answering and helping me with this cruel thing. And thank you so much Caromoole for welcoming me and giving me advice. 

I have now tried to lable it as an obsession and not doing the compulsion rumoring. It is hard, but I try. 

I don't know whether some of you Ocd-sufferers know the following: Since I am not sure about dream or reality, for me it feels wrong in the first way to stop rumoring, my brain thinks: "If you don't think about it, you can fail to see that there is something wrong with you and that could be very important to recognize! You could hide between OCD but the truth could be that you really do these cruel things. That's something you can't just ignore!"

Does anyone of you know these thoughts? I will keep on trying to stop rumoring and to lable it as an obsession, but I am curious if others know these kinds of thoughts. 

Thanks again so much, you are wonderful!

[Pikachu]

Yes, we all have these thoughts. They’re designed to make you continue doing compulsions in the hopes you’ll find an answer to your problem, but you never will, you just get stuck in a spiral. If OCD didn’t try to trick us into maintaining these negative thought patterns then it wouldn’t be such a foul illness that keeps people in its grip for years. But you can catch yourself as you begin to fall into it and refocus on something else. You’re in control (-:

[Caramoole]

Yes, these thoughts happen with every sufferer.....we all doubt, we seek certainty, we think if we could just work it out to be certain.........    Sadly,  it doesn't work.  We keep doing these things (compulsions) as a way of trying to reduce our anxiety and fears but it has the opposite effect.  

You say that you've had OCD most of your life.  I'd guess that for most of that time this is the way you've tried to deal with it.  Guess what?  It does 't work and that's why you keep on suffering.  You have to do the opposite and let the thoughts be there without taking any action to make them stop.  You have to do your very best to accept the explanation, to accept that the cause of these thoughts is because of OCD, an anxiety disorder and then resist the urge to fix things.

You have my sympathy.  All OCD is horrible but I particularly feel for parents when it targets fears about their young children.  Don't let t take any more from you, you can change this.  It might not be quick, it is scary but you can do this

[Handy]

On 01/07/2021 at 04:33, Caramoole said:

Not necessarily Handy.  Woman has explained that she has suffered from OCD most of her life, not following the birth of her child.  The worries about her child are just another obsession in a long list of other obsessions

A woman can have OCD before getting pregnant & then have a diagnosis of postpartum OCD on top of that. 

[Woman]

Thank you so much, that is a relief to know that these thoughts are common for Ocd-sufferers.

I try everyday not to rumor. Often I can reach this aim, but sometimes the fear is so overwhelming that I get a panic attack. This was the case twice when I woke up and did not know either dream or reality.

My ocd is very severe, has been since I was a child. In my case a heavy disbalance in the brain makes it also a severe physical illness. With medecines I am able to live somehow, but they don't fix the disbalance problem in the whole. 

So I have to fight each day. It is hard and my ocd is chronical. So my aim is to survive in the best way possible. Overcoming OCD in my case is not realistic, that is what my doctor, my therapist and hospitals say, and I also think that way. 

So I have to go on fighting every day. I am very glad that I found these forums, so we sufferers can help each other.

[Woman]

Sorry, always when I wrote "rumor" or "rumoring" I meant "ruminate" and "ruminating". I hope, that was obvious in the context. English is not my native language, so sometimes mistakes happen. Sorry again.