Terrified please help

[Nikki79]

Hi guys just really need someone to listen to me this morning. I’m terrified. Yesterday evening I was avoiding having to change my daughter’s nappy cos I was feeling ok all day after anxiety but didn’t want anymore. Of course tho I had to change her so anyway I went ahead. I have a certain way of doing this of course to normally avoid having any worries come at me. So I was thinking about this ( I think) and then I placed the wipe on her pelvic area and almost immediately I whipped it away. This very action filled me with terror cos I thought oh God I’ve done an unnatural act and then I was so stressed after I was thinking more and more about it and was trying to find out what ‘exactly’ happened, what I was thinking how I could have done wrong. I’m so terrified now and scared out of my body almost. I’m begging please for someone to hear my prayer this morning. Thank you 

[Nikki79]

Please someone I’m really needing somebody today x

[Woman]

Hey Nikki, I am also a female POCD-sufferer with fears concerning my child. Please, stop rumination, rumination is the food that OCD lives from. Leave the thoughts alone, just try it. 

[Nikki79]

Woman thank you so much for writing back to me. I’m terrified like, I’m terrified I did wrong to her cos I’m not sure what I was thinking when I put the wipe on her 

[Woman]

Nikki, I really feel you. There were so many situations I had like yours. It is important to look for the motivation. Your motivation is cleaning the child, sometimes the motivation is ERP (for example when you decide to clean your child for practicing ERP). These motivations are totally fine. Your motivation is NOT sexual, even though you fear exactly that.

[Caramoole]

It's difficult  to answer this Nikki without offeringthe reassurance you're begging to hear......but what do you think?  Do you think you're a dangerous person who is a risk to your child or do you think you're a Mother with OCD who is having fearful thoughts?

[Nikki79]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

It's difficult  to answer this Nikki without offeringthe reassurance you're begging to hear......but what do you think?  Do you think you're a dangerous person who is a risk to your child or do you think you're a Mother with OCD who is having fearful thoughts?

I know what you are saying Caramoole and you know it’s now switched from this worry today to another one from long ago when I wiped her and had huge anxiety. I certainly don’t think I’m a dangerous person who is at risk to my child. I do know I’m a Morher with OCD and fearful thoughts. What can I so more with this?

[Lollipop]

Hi Nikki, sorry you're struggling. I was just wondering if there was anything that was triggering the intrusive thoughts to be a bit more sticky as I'm guessing from your posts you struggle then it improves then you struggle and on it goes.  I'm not sure if this is helpful but I know for me say most special occasions I am troubled by the thoughts. Perhaps recognising that will help you know it's OCD. 

[Nikki79]

I think just being new at work maybe and then time of month could contribute. How do you deal with it Lollopip when you have an intrusive thought that you dealt with in the past come back and haunt you?

[Hdigtts]

2 hours ago, Lollipop said:

Hi Nikki, sorry you're struggling. I was just wondering if there was anything that was triggering the intrusive thoughts to be a bit more sticky as I'm guessing from your posts you struggle then it improves then you struggle and on it goes.  I'm not sure if this is helpful but I know for me say most special occasions I am troubled by the thoughts. Perhaps recognising that will help you know it's OCD. 

Special occasions here too! 

[PolarBear]

One piece of advice, Nikki. You say you have a special way yo change her. Sorry, but that's a compulsion. It's a type of avoidance, where you are trying to avoid getting triggered. 

Oh yeah, that didn't actually work this time, did it?

Unless you give up all your compulsions and tell the thoughts to take a hike, this will keep happening. 

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

I certainly don’t think I’m a dangerous person who is at risk to my child. I do know I’m a Morher with OCD and fearful thoughts. What can I so more with this?

That leaves us with fear.....but no real danger.  So we have to look at "reaction" and response.  The answer is to acknowledge the cause and do  nothing...or I should say, carry on as normal.  Nappy change as normal....knowing your anxiety is OCD driven....and then no compulsions.  Particular attention to resisting that massive urge to ruminate.  You know this Nikki.....you know, I know it's hard but you know it works and can turn this around fairly quickly.  It's a skill that needs worki g at

[Caramoole]

3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You say you have a special way yo change her. Sorry, but that's a compulsion. It's a type of avoidance, where you are trying to avoid getting triggered. 

Posted at the same time as PB but I completely agree.  Nappy changes need to be "normal"  No special measures, no tricks to avoid things, you clean what needs cleaning....full stop & deal with the angst it creates....then carry on

[Nikki79]

I totally melted over the last24 hours and just am exhausted. I can’t go to work I can’t manage at all 

[Woman]

I know this, Nikki. Allow the thoughts to be there, but don't judge them and go on with what you want to do. Don't follow the thoughts. 

[Nikki79]

Woman it’s so horrible it just does from one fear to the other and the latest is worrying about did I ever do anything in the past to hurt my child or for example what went on when I was having anxiety around her…. It’s cruel, this thing is so cruel 

[Woman]

Nikki, I know. When one fear dissapears, another one from the past occurs. Same here. But ruminating changes nothing, the opposite happens, more and more thoughts and fears. Try to leave the thoughts alone for 24 hours, that's an reachable aim. The thoughts won't run away, so what do you have to lose? Try it for 24 hours and look how you feel, ok? 

[Nikki79]

Yeah the more you think of them the worse they get and the more fears they spout and before you know it you are sinking down and down. I feel so low today, like what’s the point of going on, how I can’t live like this and how exhausted I feel from it all. The fear is too much 

[Woman]

The reason to go on is your child who needs you. Same here.

[Caramoole]

Quote

 

Posted June 4 · IP 

Hi guys just checking in with ye all. I just need anyone who is reading this right now to know that you CAN resist ruminating or doing any compulsion your OCD tries to enforce you to do. Yes it feels horrible, scary, you will shake, you will feel negative feelings but persevere. If I can do it you can. In fact a spike led me to do it right now, to have to do the right thing. I’m feeling all those things and shaking but NOW is the best time to start not yesterday or tomorrow but now. Thanks for reading, just wanted to share xxx

 

You need to read that Nikki......."Your post"  The same stands true today and next week or next year.

I don't blame you taking the day off, it's hard when you feel so rotten.....but use the day and start right now to go back to your own advice.  You know you have to stop those compulsions or as you've found, they'll get you and they'll drown you. And yes...I know it's hard, I know it's scary........but it's a pointless exercise, you used compulsions and you're even more scared.

You also need to take a very critical look at the behaviours and routines that you've adopted around caring for your little girl.  I don't know what they are but it's likely there'll be many.  It might be things like making sure your partners in the house when you bath her....or getting him to do bath times.  It might be using pads to apply creams instead of fingers.  It might be avoiding nakedness.  I don't know but you do and for the situation to improve (or even disappear) you have to stop taking special measures to "cheat" in order to cope.  Think of (or write down) every last thing that you know you do  as a means to avoid anxiety.  Work out a hierarchy of things (least to most scary) and start this week to change things, to stop doing them.

Truth is that most people (including non OCD sufferers) feel comfortable dealing with intimate things unless they're in an intimate relationship with the person.  That includes children, old people and those in between.  It might not scare them but they'll often feel uncomfortable.  If someone's best friend in the world had a frozen shoulder, couldn't reach round and asked if you'd help wipe their backside......most people would be horrified, they'd cringe, they'd feel uncomfortable.  Why?  Nothing untoward, you aren't going to harm them, they'd asked you innocently & genuinely to do it......and yet  most people would feel uncomfortable.  It's very possible it was a simple thought like this that "seeded" your original fears around your child and having once had that fleeting thought, it panicked you and became obsessive....a "why did I think that?" moment......Whatever.......start thinking of that list of avoidant things you regularly do in order to cope and gradually start to change that

[Nikki79]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

You need to read that Nikki......."Your post"  The same stands true today and next week or next year.

I don't blame you taking the day off, it's hard when you feel so rotten.....but use the day and start right now to go back to your own advice.  You know you have to stop those compulsions or as you've found, they'll get you and they'll drown you. And yes...I know it's hard, I know it's scary........but it's a pointless exercise, you used compulsions and you're even more scared.

You also need to take a very critical look at the behaviours and routines that you've adopted around caring for your little girl.  I don't know what they are but it's likely there'll be many.  It might be things like making sure your partners in the house when you bath her....or getting him to do bath times.  It might be using pads to apply creams instead of fingers.  It might be avoiding nakedness.  I don't know but you do and for the situation to improve (or even disappear) you have to stop taking special measures to "cheat" in order to cope.  Think of (or write down) every last thing that you know you do  as a means to avoid anxiety.  Work out a hierarchy of things (least to most scary) and start this week to change things, to stop doing them.

Truth is that most people (including non OCD sufferers) feel comfortable dealing with intimate things unless they're in an intimate relationship with the person.  That includes children, old people and those in between.  It might not scare them but they'll often feel uncomfortable.  If someone's best friend in the world had a frozen shoulder, couldn't reach round and asked if you'd help wipe their backside......most people would be horrified, they'd cringe, they'd feel uncomfortable.  Why?  Nothing untoward, you aren't going to harm them, they'd asked you innocently & genuinely to do it......and yet  most people would feel uncomfortable.  It's very possible it was a simple thought like this that "seeded" your original fears around your child and having once had that fleeting thought, it panicked you and became obsessive....a "why did I think that?" moment......Whatever.......start thinking of that list of avoidant things you regularly do in order to cope and gradually start to change that

Thank you Caramoole for sending on that piece that I wrote. I cried a little reading it. I will take your advice on board, I hate being so scared around my child. It’s not fair.

Besides that there is the constant fear that when I get a thought like; ‘have I done anything wrong in the past?’ And ‘do I need to remember all the times I worried I did or had instances of worry around her’. This is so terrifying to me and people just are saying to ignore it? Isn’t that it really?

[Nikki79]

I’m thinking of going to the emergency department again this evening. I just feel so overwhelmed and the thoughts are non stop and now I’m obsessing about whether I did anything wrong or not to my child based on some thoughts I had when she was younger. 

[Woman]

If you need emergency help, then go there. It is very responsible to search for help. You are not alone.

[Caramoole]

If you really think you need emergency support then of course you must go and see someone.  First though, just have a little think about what help you're looking for.  Basically, all they can offer you are tranquilizers.......or reassurance.  You are just panicking and have got yourself Into a state, probably because you've got yourself into a cycle of endless rumination which has built and built.  Try and do some deep breathing or relaxation.  Talk with your partner....not about how you're feeling but anything else.  Watch the British girl playing her 4th round Wimbledon match.  A & E can't fix things, you can.  Give it an hour or so (if you can) and see if you can bring this back down.  You know you can do it and you know that you can turn this around in a relatively short time if you can break the cycle.

If you must go then don't beat yourself up

[Nikki79]

I spoke to my Psychologist and I have taken on board what you said. I’m giving myself this evening to be calmer and then I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I’m seeing my Psychiatrist in the morning also Caramoole.