struggling with boyfriend being overly reliant on me

[emydoodaa]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and we have been living together, just the two of us for about 2 years (we lived together but with other housemates before) and in the last couple of years he has started to become less and less independent and increasingly reliant on me. I work full time and he works a part time job for a couple hours a day but earns a lot less than I do so I pay the rent on our flat and for all of our food shopping and other bits and pieces too since he doesn't have much money which doesn't bother me too much because I know that he isn't taking advantage of me, he just struggles to find work that is suitable for him. He also doesn't have many friends, his OCD stems from his Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis and he finds socialising hard. As a result of this he doesn't go out often, usually only for work and then comes with me when I run errands but we seem to have landed in a vicious cycle where he doesn't go out because he finds it stressful and he has no friends to go out with but also he isn't making any friends because he rarely leaves the house. I am a very independent person and I am really struggling at the moment because every time I see friends or have somewhere to be then I feel guilty for not involving him but on the other hand I need some time apart from him because he is always around.I probably sound like a really horrible girlfriend . I do try to support him as much as I can but I am really struggling currently because I am beginning to feel more like his carer than his romantic partner. I sometimes feel like I treat him like a child without meaning to because I do all of the cooking and cleaning and paying for things and I have to drive him to places since he can't drive and he doesn't really do anything. I find myself becoming distant with him because I am exhausted. I start work early in the mornings and he sits and plays video games all day until he goes to work at 3pm and then he disrupts my sleep at night because he is not tired because he has not done anything all day. We have good communication and I have been honest with him and told him that I don't want to mother him many times but if I take a step back and leave him to be independent then nothing ever gets done. I also feel guilty every time I mention it because I know that he doesn't really want things to be this way either but then never does anything to change the situation. The less often he goes out and the less he does, the worse his OCD gets and so things feel as though they are slowly getting worse. I am not really sure what else to do at this point. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time 

 

Emma x

[Hal]

Hi Emma, 

All your concerns are more than reasonable and with your boyfriend's best interests at heart, you don't sound horrible at all.

The Aspergers must make things much more difficult for him, particularly with socialising. Even so, we have had other people on the forums with both diagnoses who have been able to make good progress tackling the disorder and been able to improve their quality of life. So much really comes down to the person themselves and if they're receiving the right professional help to give them the tools needed to make some changes.

You mention he doesn't help you with the cooking and cleaning, is that possibly OCD related, because he's depressed or an unwillingness? If it's an unwillingness...it would be more than fair for you to make it clear that as you're paying the bills, working full time and exhausted he has to start pulling his weight more.

I completely understand some concessions have to be made when someone's struggling mentally, but by the same token as you say...the less he does, the worse the disorder is getting. Do you know if he's been able to access any professional help at all, and if he has...was it CBT? 

I know you've told him you don't want to mother him, but have you told him how much this is affecting you and how much you're struggling. I just wonder if hearing that might be the wake up call he needs to start doing more to help himself?