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Hi, 

this is my first time posting here, sorry if this is long and rambly but i just wanted to ask for some advice..

So, i’m 18 and I’ve been struggling with what i believe to be ocd since i was around 12 but ive never been officially diagnosed except for it being mentioned to me in CAMHS, they said that i show obsessive compulsive behaviours or something i can’t really remember exactly but i know at the time all i could bring myself to tell them was i was having violent thoughts about my parents that were making me extremely anxious (i was 14 at the time) and was cutting myself as punishment for them. at the time i had just started getting sexual intrusive thoughts but i was too scared to say that to them and i left camhs shortly after...along with school and i basically isolated myself from everything completely, my life feels ruined by it and its gotten so much worse since then and im not even really sure if its ocd. over the years i’ve gotten obsessively worried about different things. it started when i was quite young i would worry my mum or siblings were going to die in their sleep and i remember checking their breathing loads of times and lifting their eyes to make sure they were okay, then i got scared i was going to act out in anger and kill one of my parents or id become a serial killer, then it moved to sexual thoughts surrounding basically everyone i love but its stuck on my little siblings and then my mum got sick with cancer last year and i was so obsessed with researching everything to do with it, making her ask loads of questions so i could make sure everything was going right and i was trying to “manifest” it away..and then id get worried id done it wrong and itd be my fault if anything happened to her. It took up my whole day basically everyday...i also thought it was my fault she got cancer in the first place bc of things id said in arguments in the past :/  but she’s better now so thats passed mostly and its back to the sexual thoughts...theyre awful and im constantly questioning whether i want them or like them or want to act on that and am going over scenarios in my head and i spend so long searching through forums until i find someone with similar thoughts to me..but its never enough.  I feel like im constantly arguing with myself over something i should know isnt true, this has been happening for so long that half the time i feel too used to the thoughts and confused over how i feel about them, i also feel like im lying whenever i say i dont like them or they make me feel bad, even though i know thats the truth?? i try and tell myself it’s ocd or at least anxiety but then it feels like im only reassuring myself because i really want these thoughts and just feel guilty for that ? so where i need advice is a few months ago before i turned 18 i was at my wits end, breaking down everday, 18hrs screen time purely on google searching freaking out about thoughts, dreams and reactions that i knew it was time for me to get help, so, i phoned my gp and asked to be referred for help..but even then i couldnt bring myself to tell her what i actually need help for, i just said the same thing i did in camhs.. so now ive got to make an appointment and im absolutely terrified theyre going to tell me im just sick in the head and a * .. i dont think i can handle that even though my brains been screaming it at me for years I don’t really think that I believe that but I don’t know how im going to explain all of this to someone else without breaking down i can barely type this without panicking never mind saying it out loud...I know im gonna feel like im lying and like i have to overexplain myself because if i just blurt out whats going on at the moment anyone would think im just disgusting, i do. Like what if all of this is just unrelated and its just anxiety but i am really that..i won’t be able to deal with that. I really dont feel like im going to be able to go but i have to..I guess what i’m asking here is, what am i meant to say?  how do i cope with telling someone all of this? and does it even sound like ocd? Thank you if you read all of this, I know it’s quite long and abit of a mess sorry ! 

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Hi Gabi,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much atm. 
it does sound like you are suffering from OCD so you are doing the absolute right thing by trying to get referred. 
I know the thoughts are particularly scary but the GPs and therapists are trained to deal with them. They do not judge and will know that they are so distressing due to the illness. I found it helped me massively when I opened up to them. They will be there for you and you do not need to be alone :)

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Hi Gabi and :welcome: to the forum.  Well Done for getting all that down, it's not easy but trust me, although horrible, it's very common in the world of OCD which is almost certainly what you have.  A few times in your post you refer to this as being "just anxiety".  OCD is an anxiety condition, it is a form of anxiety.....so there's no "just" about it, they're all related.

As for the GP, you don't need to go into great detail if you don't want to (it's difficult anyway in a short appointment).  Explain that you're suffering from extreme anxiety.  That you have horrible thoughts that somehow you'll lose control & harm someone, although deep down you know you won't. That you worry about your family becoming ill or dying. That you have wierd thoughts that you're attracted to members of your family (or leave that bit out if you don't want to) . Tell them you're constantly checking the internet. Explain that you feel so awful and afraid all the time that it's ruining your life. Say that you've recently joined the OCD-UK forums and you believe that you're suffering from OCD and would like a referral to someone who could help.  You only need to tell them as much as is necessary to paint the picture of how much this is affecting your life.

Don't be afraid.  With help.....even self-help you can sort this out.  I don't know how much you know about OCD but it remains the problem it is by our reaction to the thoughts and what we do to try and control or stop them.  By learning how to change our reactions and reframe them, we can take back control of our lives.  You've just taken that first step :)

 

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Gabi and :welcome: to the forum.  Well Done for getting all that down, it's not easy but trust me, although horrible, it's very common in the world of OCD which is almost certainly what you have.  A few times in your post you refer to this as being "just anxiety".  OCD is an anxiety condition, it is a form of anxiety.....so there's no "just" about it, they're all related.

As for the GP, you don't need to go into great detail if you don't want to (it's difficult anyway in a short appointment).  Explain that you're suffering from extreme anxiety.  That you have horrible thoughts that somehow you'll lose control & harm someone, although deep down you know you won't. That you worry about your family becoming ill or dying. That you have wierd thoughts that you're attracted to members of your family (or leave that bit out if you don't want to) . Tell them you're constantly checking the internet. Explain that you feel so awful and afraid all the time that it's ruining your life. Say that you've recently joined the OCD-UK forums and you believe that you're suffering from OCD and would like a referral to someone who could help.  You only need to tell them as much as is necessary to paint the picture of how much this is affecting your life.

Don't be afraid.  With help.....even self-help you can sort this out.  I don't know how much you know about OCD but it remains the problem it is by our reaction to the thoughts and what we do to try and control or stop them.  By learning how to change our reactions and reframe them, we can take back control of our lives.  You've just taken that first step :)

 

Thank you for replying!

I didn’t word what I was trying to say very well but what I meant by “just anxiety” was what if i’m only anxious about this because it’d make me a bad person and that it’s unrelated to all of the thoughts about death and things...I think because i’m not so focused and obsessed over that anymore i can see how it was probably ocd but with this it seems so much more real.

 I’ve already spoke to my GP and she referred me, I just have to phone and make an appointment with psychological therapies within the next two weeks but i’m really scared to do that because I know i’ll have to go into more detail and because the other thoughts aren’t bothering me so much anymore i know I can talk about them but the sexual thoughts I don’t think I can because it feels like the worst of the worst and I’ve heard a lot of stories about the nhs not recognising pocd and misdiagnosing ?

I know quite a bit about ocd and I know how you’re supposed to get better but it feels too risky / dangerous to believe it is ocd and let the thoughts be there without being diagnosed or in therapy especially when I live with the people my thoughts are about, you know? 

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Hi Gabi,

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling but you really are taking the first step to getting help. 

1 hour ago, gabi said:

i know I can talk about them but the sexual thoughts I don’t think I can because it feels like the worst of the worst and I’ve heard a lot of stories about the nhs not recognising pocd and misdiagnosing

I won't deny I have heard some stories where the NHS have got it wrong, however I have heard far more positive stories.

Please don't let fear stop you from taking the next step. My son had similar themes to yours and therapy has made such a difference to his life.

You won't need to go straight in with the things you most fear, and your therapist should recognise you have OCD from all the other anxiety issues you mention...(if he/she doesn't, ask for one who specialises in OCD). Once you feel more comfortable and confident with the therapist, you will hopefully find it easier to open up fully. The therapist will have heard similar fears to yours before. 

There is a some information on the main website about approaching therapy, which you may find helpful, along with lots of other useful information.

Best of luck. 

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