I feel bad because of POCD

[apieceofshit]

I really don't know when was the last time I slept well. I don't know when was the last time I felt happiness.

I am suffering from pocd. one of my main fear is that last year, I masturbated to something in dark web. and my fear is what if that is child porn. I was struggling from uncertainty.

so last week night I gone into a tor browser again, to find out if child porn really existed and are there chances that I might have masturbated to that. so I gone into duckduckgo and came to know that it is not exist. suddenly another search engine came to my mind, and I clicked a website, the first pic was (which i hope) is an naked image of an dwarf women. I freaked out, came out of the site and still freaking out

what if I used another search engine to access child pornography? Like I have around 100 memories of the same incident and this freaks me out

it's been 2 days since I ate for the last time. I Don't know.

I am constantly questioning whether was I always wanted to see child porn? would I masturbate to it if I got a chance too?

I don't know how many hours I cried. I feel like the worst human possible. also, a lot of false memories. I cannot accept the certainty. I cannot accept that I may or may not be a pedophile

like if at least if I know if I am a pedophile or not, then I could able to live accordingly. I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I feel like the worst human ever existed.

I don't feel like I can live with all these anymore.

i cannot afford a therapist, have read a lot of books, none helped me.

I mean what if I masturbated to child porn? isn't that the enough proof that I am a pedophile?

This memory being real is a very big deal for me, I never thought children sexually not even once.

I am worried if I masturbated to it once, If I got aroused by it once, I will masturbate to it again. I want to move on, but I cannot because of this, I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this hell. 

[Caramoole]

Hi There (I'm not going to use your name because naming yourself this way won't help at all, it just adds to your self-loathing. First advice would be to choose a name change to something like GonnaBeatThis)

Second piece of advice is to stop using the dark web, your doing this to check (a compulsion) but you do run the risk of coming across stuff you don't want to.

You say you've read lots of books....but have you actively started work at making the changes that are suggested.  Sadly understanding isn't enough, you have to make changes.  This is a common mistake many people make.

You say you can't afford private therapy but I see you're in London, why don't you make an appointment to see your GP to access some help.  

Your problem is very distressing to you but is a very common problem with OCD sufferers.  Suicide isn't the solution, what you really want is not to feel this way and those two things are very different.  There is a way to feel better but it Jean's making changes to the way you think and do things.

Not eating will make things 10 x worse.  I know how this feels because if I'm anxious it does that to me.  I want you to get something to eat and get it down your neck.  Can be anything, bag of crisps, soup, tin of rice pudding....just get it down you. Maybe a bottle of Lucozade as well.  Will you do that for me?

If you feel truly suicidal ring 999, go to your nearest A & E department or contact Samaritans on 116 123 or talk to someone via their webpage at www.samaritans.org

[apieceofshit]

well, the reason I haven't gone to a gp is I don't know what should I tell him? that I might have masturbated to child porn? I just don't know. I feel like a ****. just like a literal piece of ****.

[Caramoole]

Is this the only area of your life it affects or have you had other obsessions about things?

[apieceofshit]

well, normally i am a overthinker, but well for a while, all the obsessions that I am having is about my sexuality.

[Ashley]

Hello there, how are you feeling today?

I do agree with Caramoole the negative username is only going to fuel negative thinking so what about changing your username to something else of your choosing?  Both myself and Caramoole can change your username so just let us know

22 hours ago, apieceofsh said:

well, the reason I haven't gone to a gp is I don't know what should I tell him? that I might have masturbated to child porn? I just don't know. I feel like a ****. just like a literal piece of ****.

Just tell the GP 'you have OCD and are experiencing unwanted intrusive thoughts and that you need to seek treatment for that (CBT)', it really is that simple at this stage and you dont need to tell them any more than that. You can actually self-refer to the CBT therapist without speaking to your GP, if you like I can look up your local service if you can tell me the area your borough or postcode of where your GP is located. 

I am going to edit the thread title so not to worry other users, I hope you understand   We are here to help you though, so dont worry.

 

[Caramoole]

As Ashley has mentioned, you don't need to go into details with your GP, simply explain you are experiencing upsetting, intrusive thoughts and would like a referral for some help

[Ashley]

If you do talk to your GP, we have created a one page ice breaker/pullout for this situation.  Feel free to print this out and hand to your GP. 

https://www.ocduk.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/GP_Ice_Breaker_Harm.pdf

[Handy]

You could post without giving your sources too.