OCD and work

[Scott]

I feel my OCD might have limited my career progression.

I work as a senior software developer.

I won't move into a management role because every time I cross swords with someone and I can't resolve it immediately, I will obsess about it and make myself extremely anxious. I get ideas into my head about confrontation, a fight breaking out, or just not handling the situation properly and looking bad in front of my team.  Even a minor skirmish between a team member and I over something daft gets me anxious in the evening.

I get really anxious that this is going to escalate, I'll get into trouble, lose my job, my career will be ruined, etc.

And then the next day, more often than not, its forgotten and I got all worked up over nothing.

I have had problems with some people in my past jobs and the everyday tension has been hard to deal with. I actually wished they'd try and take a swing at me so I could get it over and done with (I'm big and very well built, so they'd be the ones on the losing end) but no, its just sit there and ruminate of an evening. 

I was wanting to ask, does anyone know any managers or team leaders who have OCD (properly diagnosed, not what film stars say to show how perfect and attentive they are) and how do they cope with the anxiety of managing people? How do they deal with conflict? I knew some managers who wouldn't deal with conflict and they were pretty much useless.

As you know, its not quite as easy as saying "That was work; I'll leave it behind when I clock off" - we can't think that way.  Exercise helps, sure, but it's not a cure.

Believe me my job its the only thing that takes my mind off obsessing about my past, but I feel I could do more, move further up the career ladder and realise my full potential (which makes me obsess more that I haven't achieved enough in my career.)

 

 

Edited July 26, 2021 by Scott

[Nellie]

Hi Scott

I don't have an answer to your question about knowing any managers with OCD sorry but I do have a couple of thoughts on your situation because it overlaps a bit with mine.

My OCD has also affected my work.  I think it might be the reason I haven't applied for promotion for a long time, although to be honest I can find it hard to tell how much is OCD and how much is not actually wanting to do the promoted role. I'm aiming not to solve that one at the moment - I might be doing an avoidance compulsion or I might not, but I've decided to let that go for now at least.

What I think I recognise in your description is the feeling of being trapped because you have worries on both sides of the decision, and both might be OCD-fuelled worries:  on one hand, you're predicting that if you do get into a situation of having to manage conflict you might not be able to handle that experience so you're keeping yourself 'safe' by avoiding it, but on the other hand you're predicting that if you carry on with that plan you'll not progress and might not be happy/satisfied because you haven't taken the opportunity to progress. So you feel hemmed in - you can't keep yourself 'safe' from both things at the same time. I have that feeling a lot! I try to look at it as just a feature of life: there is no perfect, 'safe' way through life avoiding all risks including the risk of missed opportunities. People without OCD probably don't expect there to be. And I think our way out is to think the same way they do - we can't control it all and we haven't failed at life if we didn't get through without things going wrong.

I guess I would suggest that you try to allow yourself some flexibility to choose what you want to do here (rather than trying to get it 'right' or risk-free). You don't have to prevent being involved in all difficult work conflict situations or manage them perfectly when they occur. And you don't have to progress as far or as fast as possible in your career. Either of those options might be reasonable for you. And you don't have to make the perfect choice either. Life for everyone is messy and complicated and that's fine. Also, you won't be able to suddenly turn off the worried feeling about any of this but if you can make choices regardless of that worried feeling and just let what happens happen without putting too much responsibility on yourself to control the outcome then that might be a good way to go? (I think that's what I'm aiming to do at the moment in my own life anyway.)

[Scott]

2 hours ago, Nellie said:

Hi Scott

I don't have an answer to your question about knowing any managers with OCD sorry but I do have a couple of thoughts on your situation because it overlaps a bit with mine.

My OCD has also affected my work.  I think it might be the reason I haven't applied for promotion for a long time, although to be honest I can find it hard to tell how much is OCD and how much is not actually wanting to do the promoted role. I'm aiming not to solve that one at the moment - I might be doing an avoidance compulsion or I might not, but I've decided to let that go for now at least.

What I think I recognise in your description is the feeling of being trapped because you have worries on both sides of the decision, and both might be OCD-fuelled worries:  on one hand, you're predicting that if you do get into a situation of having to manage conflict you might not be able to handle that experience so you're keeping yourself 'safe' by avoiding it, but on the other hand you're predicting that if you carry on with that plan you'll not progress and might not be happy/satisfied because you haven't taken the opportunity to progress. So you feel hemmed in - you can't keep yourself 'safe' from both things at the same time. I have that feeling a lot! I try to look at it as just a feature of life: there is no perfect, 'safe' way through life avoiding all risks including the risk of missed opportunities. People without OCD probably don't expect there to be. And I think our way out is to think the same way they do - we can't control it all and we haven't failed at life if we didn't get through without things going wrong.

I guess I would suggest that you try to allow yourself some flexibility to choose what you want to do here (rather than trying to get it 'right' or risk-free). You don't have to prevent being involved in all difficult work conflict situations or manage them perfectly when they occur. And you don't have to progress as far or as fast as possible in your career. Either of those options might be reasonable for you. And you don't have to make the perfect choice either. Life for everyone is messy and complicated and that's fine. Also, you won't be able to suddenly turn off the worried feeling about any of this but if you can make choices regardless of that worried feeling and just let what happens happen without putting too much responsibility on yourself to control the outcome then that might be a good way to go? (I think that's what I'm aiming to do at the moment in my own life anyway.)

 

Hi Nellie,

thanks for replying. I'm 50/50 glad and sad someone knows my position and how I'm feeling. Glad because there's someone in my position, sad because I know the **** you are going through. OCD can be awful, its just a thought-leeching anxiety machine.

As I'm 50 next year I'm thinking about retirement. But when I think about retirement I think "I need to have done more in my life. I don't want to look back and feel I didn't achieve what I could have" even though, so far, my career's been alright - in spite of the OCD.

But then I think I've achieved a lot in spite of this condition. As you say, I am trying to avoid risk - the risk of feeling like I'm not as intelligent or brave as I want to be. I also hate the feeling of anxiety obsessing over conflict in work; I wouldn't care about any other place to be honest. I guess it's because I can't escape the job (unless I quit). 

Generally my daily routine is go to work, then as soon as work's over I'll obsess about something, such as any conflicts I've had at the office , what my next job will be, death (that appears to be a favourite, but I'm not suicidal; I was having suicidal thoughts at Xmas though due to a really **** boss who almost convinced me I was stupid) , my past life (I seem to obsess about my late teens and early 20's) . I've been through it all: any obsession you can name, even the worst you can think of, I've probably worried over it. 

I can't get to sleep easily as when I'm in my bed I listen to my heartbeat - any skips and I am on the verge of panic. I obsess about my heart health even though I lift weights and like walking. Sometimes I wake up with a start - I was tested for sleep apnoea but nothing found, so its my anxiety to blame.  

So I'm being really rough on myself, I know, because knowing what I've gone through, I think if I had a weaker mind I might have taken the awful way out. 

I don't know, I just need someone to slap some sense into me. Your words have been helpful and I really appreciate them.

It's just a constant feeling of "Your mate's a technical lead; why aren't you?  Your mate's getting promoted - why not you?" and so on.

And I know from reading on here there's people with much more debilitating OCD than mine so I should be thankful I guess.

I just wish someone would give me a shake. I'm on a waiting list for CBT but up here in Scotland it's taking AGES to get seen.

[Nellie]

Hi

I recognise a lot of what you're saying. I also obsess about what's happened at work pretty much every day (in my case it's mistakes or bad decisions I've made, if I've offended anyone, if I've revealed myself to be incompetent, etc, all seeming catastrophic at the time). And I also return to obsessions about things I did decades ago. I agree that it is exhausting and horrible. I am having stretches of time now though where I feel calm and fine in between these flare-ups. Not exactly sure what's shifted it but I think it started wIth acknowledging that I'll keep on getting things wrong because I'm just not perfect and that's the same for everyone and there's no avoiding it so it simply has to be good enough. Even the bad mistakes that hurt people just have to be good enough because that is the best I can do.  And I don't ever have to judge myself by what anyone else thinks or what I'm imagining they might think. I'm trying to put myself back in charge of my life I guess, and allow myself to mess up just like I'd allow someone else to mess up.  For example, I'm intending to enjoy my work today despite the possibility that I might do something really stupid!  So that's the principle I'm trying to guide myself by.  And of course knowing all that doesn't just change everything so my mistakes now feel ok. It still feels really dreadful for a long while every single time there's a new incident. But when I can manage to give myself permission not to pay attention to all those thoughts about the future and the past and what people might think of me and how bad it feels, and just get involved in everyday real life, it can eventually settle down quite nicely for a little while. I'm in no way 'recovered' yet, but having spells where life feels feasible and enjoyable is pretty good compared with a few years ago.

I hope your CBT arrives soon. In the meantime there are some really good self-help books around, and this forum is a phenomenal resource

[olb]

I agree it’s had an impact on my work life. I started off in IT which is obviously a good field to work in. However, after leaving the job and not staying in IT I have ended up as a postman for 13 or so years. I don’t think it’s the worst job in the world but as I’m nearly 40 and it’s getting harder due to workload, managers pressure for overtime, not enough staff, I feel it’s time I eased off and maybe try to change jobs again. But that’s a big challenge in itself.