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Terrible Paranoia Over Feared Notes


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@PolarBear I've tried reducing my checking but I'm just so convinced I've written these things and that they will come out and it will be horrendous that its taken over my life. Even when there aren't pens around I'm freaking out because I think there could be one there and I'll have used it to write a false allegation. 

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What about therapy? Because you need help. You need the cognitive side so you stop taking the thoughts seriously and you need the Behavioral side to help you reduce and eliminate your compulsions.

Every time you do a compulsion, which I suspect for you is multiple times per day, you give fuel to your OCD. 

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@PolarBear my compulsions are pretty much constant. My anxiety is constant, that's for sure. I'm 6 sessions deep in CBT and it's not making a blind bit of difference. She has even suggested I'm too poorly for her to help. Where do I go now? I'm so terrified I've written and will write more of these notes. My life doesn't feel worth living ?

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On 12/09/2021 at 20:48, Blondie said:

I'm 6 sessions deep in CBT and it's not making a blind bit of difference. She has even suggested I'm too poorly for her to help. Where do I go now? I'm so terrified I've written and will write more of these notes.

Hi Blondie,

I don't believe you're too poorly for her to help. I believe you're clinging onto your fears too strongly to feel you can let her help you. It's the equivalent of screaming for help in a house fire and then refusing to open the door to the fire brigade in case you let some smoke out! :fireman: So before you write off the CBT as not helping, take some time out to consider what you want from therapy, and from your life.

The thing is, fear is horrible. We'll do almost anything to avoid facing up to it. So we dodge and run, the years pass and we stay trapped in the anxiety bubble. :(

Do you want to die like this, however many years from now?

I'm certain you don't. You want to reclaim your life and make it worth living again, right? :)

Well, there is only one way to achieve that, which is to face up to your fears instead of running from them. Sooner or later you have to face them if you want this to stop. It may be you're not ready, that the hell you're going through seems preferable to you than the hardship of doing CBT. That's ok. If you're not ready, your not ready. No blame attached to simply not being ready. :)

But the question then becomes, 'What will get you ready?' :unsure:

What has to happen (change) for you to get to the place where you are willing to put in the work and do the CBT exercises in spite of how bad you feel? Because if you don't know the answer to that question then you can't expect your therapist to know the answer and help to get you there. :(

 

This is how I see it:

Every time you tell yourself you might have written a note you think you're containing and controlling your fear. But actually it's running away from your deepest fear of all.

The fear you dread the most is the consequences of having written a note that you don't know about.

All your compulsions are designed to ensure that not one note gets past you without you knowing about it.

Stop and think about that for a bit. Sometimes when we're stiuck it helps to take a breather and restart from a new approach.

Could it be what has to happen to get you to a place you're ready to tackle your OCD is to accept you don't need to know about every note you've written? That should one get past you unknowingly that you would deal with the consquences just fine.

Imagine how little worrying and checking you'd need to do if you said to yourself, ' IF I've written a note then I'll deal with that IF there's fallout from it.' Shift the emphasis away from the idea 'it's a done deal' to allow for the possibility you might have written notes but unless there's some comeback from it then the existence of the notes doesn't matter.

Maybe discuss the shift in thinking with your therapist and see if you can revise the ERP exercises she gives you to take the new approach into account. You've nothing to lose by giving it a go. :)

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@Blondie

Hi, 

it’s sad to see that you’re still in a bad way with all of this. I’m not in the best place myself at the minute but I want to try and offer some advice. 

Thoughts are fuelled by a “what if?” And then by what could happen if it was true. So say you wrote the note, the note isn’t the issue. It’s the fear of what would happen after to the person you wrote about. 

say for a second you did write a note accusing someone of something horrible. It’s a blind accusation with no supporting evidence for a start. unless you hear about some note being written, then just put it down to another thought. If you hear about some note going around accusing people of doing these things, then you can deal with the repercussions after but it’ll never happen. Is it fact or thought? It’s always the second one. 

I know it’s hard to believe but the fact you’re so scared of it is exactly why you won’t do it. 
 

hope you’re feeling better soon ?

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On 13/09/2021 at 22:01, snowbear said:

Hi Blondie,

I don't believe you're too poorly for her to help. I believe you're clinging onto your fears too strongly to feel you can let her help you. It's the equivalent of screaming for help in a house fire and then refusing to open the door to the fire brigade in case you let some smoke out! :fireman: So before you write off the CBT as not helping, take some time out to consider what you want from therapy, and from your life.

The thing is, fear is horrible. We'll do almost anything to avoid facing up to it. So we dodge and run, the years pass and we stay trapped in the anxiety bubble. :(

Do you want to die like this, however many years from now?

I'm certain you don't. You want to reclaim your life and make it worth living again, right? :)

Well, there is only one way to achieve that, which is to face up to your fears instead of running from them. Sooner or later you have to face them if you want this to stop. It may be you're not ready, that the hell you're going through seems preferable to you than the hardship of doing CBT. That's ok. If you're not ready, your not ready. No blame attached to simply not being ready. :)

But the question then becomes, 'What will get you ready?' :unsure:

What has to happen (change) for you to get to the place where you are willing to put in the work and do the CBT exercises in spite of how bad you feel? Because if you don't know the answer to that question then you can't expect your therapist to know the answer and help to get you there. :(

 

This is how I see it:

Every time you tell yourself you might have written a note you think you're containing and controlling your fear. But actually it's running away from your deepest fear of all.

The fear you dread the most is the consequences of having written a note that you don't know about.

All your compulsions are designed to ensure that not one note gets past you without you knowing about it.

Stop and think about that for a bit. Sometimes when we're stiuck it helps to take a breather and restart from a new approach.

Could it be what has to happen to get you to a place you're ready to tackle your OCD is to accept you don't need to know about every note you've written? That should one get past you unknowingly that you would deal with the consquences just fine.

Imagine how little worrying and checking you'd need to do if you said to yourself, ' IF I've written a note then I'll deal with that IF there's fallout from it.' Shift the emphasis away from the idea 'it's a done deal' to allow for the possibility you might have written notes but unless there's some comeback from it then the existence of the notes doesn't matter.

Maybe discuss the shift in thinking with your therapist and see if you can revise the ERP exercises she gives you to take the new approach into account. You've nothing to lose by giving it a go. :)

@snowbear thank you for such an in depth answer.

it has taken over my life, I'm convinced there could be notes everywhere and anywhere, I worry about putting things down, picking things up, getting dressed, putting my hands in my pockets etc etc. I don't know how to get out of the fear bubble. I'm constantly terrified.

I like the idea of trying to think if I've written these things then I'll deal with them when a problem crops up, but that feels like living on a knife edge (kind of how I am now though I guess?)

I'm even scared of going to the toilet. If it wasn't for my partner kicking my **** in the mornings I would just stay in bed all day sweating and churning out anxiety laden thoughts. I need to get a job but I don't feel capable through the fear of these notes being on me and fear of writing more notes about people I work with or customers etc. I'm terrified of paperwork too in case I've written on it. I feel the same about cash because its possible to write on. I can't get my head straight ???

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@thistooshallpass1996 Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well either. I'm so petrified of having written these accusations out. I try so hard to accept that I could have done them but my mind is in overdrive constantly and it feels like such a vile thing to do. I'm terrified of people's reactions to me and then forever having to live with the fact that I'd carried out my fear. I wish I could tell the world what I'm afraid of so everyone knows and they might understand if anything ever does come out

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2 hours ago, Blondie said:

I like the idea of trying to think if I've written these things then I'll deal with them when a problem crops up, but that feels like living on a knife edge (kind of how I am now though I guess?)

It's only living on a knife edge if you're telling yourself that you won't be able to cope if/when something bad happens.

Aim to build your self-confidence. 'Whatever happens, I'll handle it.'  :flex:

It's true! We can live in dread of awful things happening, believing the consequences would be catastrophic, but when awful things happen for real you amaze yourself with how matter-of-factly you can and do handle it.

Believe me, I've been through more than my share of real disasters! If you'd told me growing up half the things that would happen to me in my lifetime I'd have been convinced they weren't survivable. Things worse than my worst imagined fear actually happened - and I survived every one of them.

The fear of bad consequences far far far outweighs dealing with the actual bad things when they happen for real.

So if you feel you're living on a knife edge it's because you're thinking 'I couldn't cope. It would be catastrophic. There's no way back/ no way out of that.' :crybaby:

That's the big lie OCD uses to keep you locked into compulsions and fear. Once you put up your fists and dare the universe to do it's worst 'Bring it on, I will handle it.' :boxing: then you can more easily let go of your 'preventative' compulsions and just sit back and wait for whatever comes. (Which in reality is usually nothing.) 

Dare the universe to do it's worst. Scatter post-it-notes everywhere! Laugh at the universe's inability to scare you with imagined consequences any more. Just from telling yourself 'Whatever happens, I'll handle it. I'll survive just fine, one way or another.' :)

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I don't know what to do with myself. I can barely function. I'm terrified there's notes everywhere. I don't like knowing or hearing people's names or addresses in case I then write a note including that information in it. I constantly think that there's notes on me and that they are falling out of my clothes ready for someone to find them and the horrible spiral of events will start. I have tried writing every day and doing a crossword daily too but it's not helping. I'm still terrified of being near pens and paper. It's not showing any signs of letting up either, if anything I'm getting worse. I am constantly in a serious state of anxiety and I don't think I can handle it for much longer and I'm not exaggerating. I'm anxious from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I manage to go to sleep. I don't want this anymore. I just want a normal life. I just wanted to be a normal person ???

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My checking is out of control, I have to check the seat before I sit down, I have to check my mask before I put it on, I have to check my glasses before I put them on, all my clothes the list goes on and on but I'm so terrified of notes that I can't stop 

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Blondie, you say you can't stop your compulsions, yet stopping your compulsions is the only way out of this mess. One of the most difficult concepts for sufferers to understand is that the mess is created and prolonged because they do compulsions. That and taking the thoughts seriously. 

You have now reached a point where OCD is having a profound effect on your ability to live a normal life. I think you need intervention in a big way, which may include being admitted to an OCD treatment centre.

Are you actively looking at treatment options?

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@PolarBear I am having CBT but it's not scratching the surface and I applied to Oxford but was declined for funding which I am trying to appeal. Functioning is so difficult. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I haven't got any fight left in me ??? I don't know how I can ever get over this when I think there could be notes everywhere 

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Blondie, are you taking any medication? Sounds like your brain is running away with you at the moment. Something to calm you down and slow your thinking could be just the thing you need right now. Why not have a chat with your GP, or your psychiatrist if you have one.

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15 hours ago, Blondie said:

@PolarBear I am having CBT but it's not scratching the surface and I applied to Oxford but was declined for funding which I am trying to appeal. Functioning is so difficult. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I haven't got any fight left in me ??? I don't know how I can ever get over this when I think there could be notes everywhere 

I know you think you can't function without doing your compulsions but take a step back and look and you'll see you're not functioning while doing compulsions.

You spend so much time every day looking for notes that don't exist. And the reason this has such a hold on you is that spend so much time looking for notes that don't exist.

Every compulsion you do cements in your mind the completely illogical thoughts that bother you. The reason it is so bad is that you have let the compulsions get away from you. 

The way out is to stop the coompulsions. Without a therapist monitoring you, I'm not sure how you should proceed on your own. All the compulsions you've done, and we're likely talking thousands by now, have done absolutely no good. All those compulsions done and not one note to show for it. In every case, OCD was wrong. And it will continue to be wrong.

You also have the problem where your mind has convinced you that the worst possible thing in the world is if you wrote a despicable note. It's not. What is far worse is the hell you are putting yourself through now.

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@PolarBear You're right, I have convinced myself that writing these notes is the worst thing in the world. How would you feel if I wrote one about you? I'm sure you wouldn't be very happy and what if other people read it and assumed it was true? Can you see why I'm so ill over this? I don't know what to do with myself. Every single move I make makes me think I have left a note there. It's disabled me and I don't know where I can get the strength from to fight back.

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1 hour ago, Blondie said:

@PolarBear You're right, I have convinced myself that writing these notes is the worst thing in the world. How would you feel if I wrote one about you? I'm sure you wouldn't be very happy and what if other people read it and assumed it was true? Can you see why I'm so ill over this? I don't know what to do with myself. Every single move I make makes me think I have left a note there. It's disabled me and I don't know where I can get the strength from to fight back.

No, I can't see why you are ill over this. From the outside it all sounds silly. Just like viewing any obsession from the outside.  

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