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Does anyone have any tips for coping with OCD when moving house?


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38 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I think you do.  It's been so entrenched in your thinking from being a small child (one too young to make a balanced judgement/appraisal) I think it does need some cognitive work.  At the moment your whole being is almost hard-wired to behave as you do.  It's also sometimes difficult to make these exposures work in therapy.  When I went to IAPT this young therapist tried to put me through imagined scenarios, she was taken aback because it raised zero anxiety response.  It didn't surprise me because I knew it wasn't real, I knew I wasn't under threat.....so it had no impact

Yes I think it was exactly the same for me for most of these situations. For example for spinning around making myself nauseous (an ERP task set by one CBT therapist)- I could reason with myself that this was self-induced, time-limited and manageable nausea (!). The vomit-like-soup-concoction- well I'm not an idiot and it was clearly vegetable soup, mixed with something.

The video clips on the other hand did make me somewhat anxious and actually seemed to sensitize (rather than desensitize/habituate) me to some of the situations that people in the clips were vomiting in, so for example one of the clips was of someone vomiting suddenly after stopping their car; now every time I see a car stopped, I imagine someone is about to vomit and have a full-on phobic panic (i.e. telling everyone in our car to close their car windows and to turn the air conditioning off!). 

We have several house viewings tomorrow and like usual I'm panicking that someone will bring Norovirus into our house. I want my life back so know I need to behave like a normal person but I'm not sure how well I will manage to. I think I might have to clean a bit afterwards, because having any visitors to our house is overwhelming enough in itself; let alone strangers whose hygiene could be poor. So a normal person would not even give this any thought would they- they'd just think 'I hope the house sells quickly' and get on with it- would they clean at all afterwards do you think? 

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17 hours ago, Caramoole said:

No they wouldn't.  They might run a vac over the hall carpet if they'd trailed bits in (gravel/dirt/grass) but only because what was pristine-looking earlier now had bits on it.

 

1 hour ago, olb said:

Hi belanna, after a viewing you would only clean say for example the viewer didn’t take off their shoes and brought mud into the house. 

 

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I agree people wouldn't clean unless there was visible dirt - it wouldn't cross most people's minds

Thanks everyone. I'm so scared that they'll just spread Norovirus around the house! (we have four viewings today so that's maybe 8 strangers walking through the house ?).

I will be worried if they track visible mud through the house or even more so dog poo but I'm more fearful of them walking vomit (which if it's from Norovirus infected person would contain viral particles) or invisible viral particles through the house.  I'm actually most worried about people touching the hand rail/bannister or brushing past furniture and contaminating or spreading viral particles to those things. 

I have been thinking that I need to test out and face my fears but at the same time I can only imagine cleaning when we get home later so not sure what to do really. 

 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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13 hours ago, olb said:

Belanna I would say just clean if there’s any visible dirt, if you can’t see anything try to ignore it 

Thanks Olb :) 

This week's viewings are over with now so that's good.

I tried not to engage in too many compulsions so I ended up just wiping the staircase hand rail, my bedroom door and a chest of drawers on the landing BUT in the process I moved a vase, which fell onto a photo of my parents' wedding, staining a small area of it, which is awful. I would have been better not to engage in any compulsions.

There was a brown mark on the handrail up the stairs though so I felt I had to. 

Edited by BelAnna
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19 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I bet you it was a mark you'd simply not noticed probably....people don't tend to leave brown Mark's on handrails :)

I hope so! I had just wiped it immediately before the visits (just so that it wasn't dusty) but it could have been from a little bit of chocolate/mud or something on someone's jumper or handbag. 

Edited by BelAnna
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1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

but it could have been from a little bit of chocolate/mud or something on someone's jumper or handbag. 

**Eye roll ** :rolleyes:

The things OCD imagines for us are soooo far out ridiculous they can actually be funny, in a way. Not laughing at you, BelAnna. Trying to get you to see that you could have laughed this totally improbable idea off yourself. Try not to buy into the implausible excuses OCD imagines make cleaning (and other compulsions) 'necessary.' We have to start somewhere! :)

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Hi BelAnna

Well done on doing your first week of visitations. Having to display your living space for external scrutiny is not a preferred activity for most people. Any offers?

Edited by Angst
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14 hours ago, snowbear said:

**Eye roll ** :rolleyes:

The things OCD imagines for us are soooo far out ridiculous they can actually be funny, in a way. Not laughing at you, BelAnna. Trying to get you to see that you could have laughed this totally improbable idea off yourself. Try not to buy into the implausible excuses OCD imagines make cleaning (and other compulsions) 'necessary.' We have to start somewhere! :)

Hi Snowbear, 

Oh this was me trying to reason with myself lol! My real worry was that it was a small amount of poo from someone's hand; that was the reason for wiping it! I do think someone's bag rubbing against it would be less likely.

The thing is I had wiped it immediately (like seconds) before everyone came to visit so what would you think it would be? It was a brown streak, fairly long (about 3 inches long), along the handrail and definitely wasn't there before the visits. Apparently they were all nice, clean people who used hand sanitizer though so I do agree that's probably unlikely! 

2 hours ago, Angst said:

Hi BelAnna

Well done on doing your first week of visitations. Having to display your living space for external scrutiny is not a preferred activity for most people. Any offers?

Thank you Angst, yes we've had a few good offers so far so hopefully will be moving quite soon. We just have to decide whether to do any more viewings or not now!

I'm looking for somewhere for us to move to now and feeling very anxious about the move- I'm also not sure whether to move to a flat or stay with my parents after the move. My parents will buy a house at some point once we know where we want to settle but renting gives us great flexibility although there are very few rentals where we're moving to, which isn't ideal! 

Edited by BelAnna
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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

BelAnna, forget about the brown streak. Really.

Thanks Polarbear! yeah I'm not really worried about it now but that said I would want to wipe anything similar in the future if I saw it, which obviously is the wrong way to be thinking about things!

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  • 2 months later...

I'm really struggling with this house move- I feel so low and my OCD is terrible at the moment! 

We're moving in just over a week (I am staying in local holiday accommodation from Monday 8th whilst the removal men are in our house collecting all of our belongings for storage) and then we move hundreds of miles away on the Thursday and stay in holiday accommodation for the first couple of months with limited space and no garden for my dog. Also whilst I manage a couple trips away (with great difficulty) most years, day-in, day-out I barely leave the house so moving just feels huge and overwhelming :( . 

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi BelAnna,

Sounds like you're going through a difficult time. :hug: When upcoming life events feel overwhelming I find it helps to break things down into smaller sections. For example, could you focus on getting through the local stay for now without thinking further ahead?

What about packing up your personal stuff, could that give you something else to focus on until the 8th?

When you get to the new place having no garden means you'll get to go out for walks! Try to see the positives in that - time spent with your dog, a chance to get to know the new area, an opportunity to get out of the limited accommodation for a bit and have some space to stretch your legs!

Maybe take a bit of time to say goodbye to your present house. Leaving somewhere you've lived for a long time is a bit like leaving a friend. You've got a week or so yet, time enough to go round the house and picture a happy memory for every room - something to take with you when you go. :)

When it comes to the actual move, try to focus on the single day in front of you. If your head goes off on one worrying about this and that but those things aren't happening in the here and now, push the worries aside and refocus on the tasks of the day. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Good luck! I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you.

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9 hours ago, snowbear said:

Hi BelAnna,

Sounds like you're going through a difficult time. :hug: When upcoming life events feel overwhelming I find it helps to break things down into smaller sections. For example, could you focus on getting through the local stay for now without thinking further ahead?

What about packing up your personal stuff, could that give you something else to focus on until the 8th?

When you get to the new place having no garden means you'll get to go out for walks! Try to see the positives in that - time spent with your dog, a chance to get to know the new area, an opportunity to get out of the limited accommodation for a bit and have some space to stretch your legs!

Maybe take a bit of time to say goodbye to your present house. Leaving somewhere you've lived for a long time is a bit like leaving a friend. You've got a week or so yet, time enough to go round the house and picture a happy memory for every room - something to take with you when you go. :)

When it comes to the actual move, try to focus on the single day in front of you. If your head goes off on one worrying about this and that but those things aren't happening in the here and now, push the worries aside and refocus on the tasks of the day. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Good luck! I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you.

Hi Snowbear, 

Thank you! :hug:That's really helpful advice, I will try to take it a day at a time.

I am going to pack some things today- I basically need to pack a suitcase for the first Mon-Thurs local stay and pack some suitcases for the other rental (that we're temporarily moving to) and then the removal company/packers will pack the house. My Dad and one of my brothers are taking the stuff up to where we're moving at the weekend (it's a 12 hour round trip), getting back Sunday and then I move out on Monday morning! It doesn't help that my OCD means we're overrun with dirty laundry that needs washing or packing for storage still unwashed. 

A big stressor that I'm struggling to cope with is that fact that my Dad mentioned to the owner that we wouldn't need cleaning during our long stay in the holiday rental but it sounds like the owners (whose rental we've stayed in before and who are lovely) have maybe taken that to mean that we don't need it before either so they're cleaning it themselves rather than getting professional cleaners in. I also don't know what that means in terms of clean sheets, towels etc. I feel really distressed by the thought that there might be Covid/Norovirus in the apartment when we get there. I've been asking my Dad to email to ask for it to be professionally cleaned beforehand for months  :( and he's refusing out of embarrassment. 

I'm also so sad about leaving this house. I would happily move away to my own flat when well enough (I lived a long away from my parent's home from when I was 19 years old until 24 and then again 25-27) but leaving the house we've lived here for 23 years is just really upsetting, particularly as my parents are downsizing and based on my health/employment history I'm unlikely to ever own a nice house/house of my own.

I'm also very worried because my parents are planning to look after their grandchildren (my niece and nephew) quite a lot once we're up there and as they're both under 5 and at nursery, they seem to have one virus or another 90% of the time (I know this is just what life for people with small kids, they catch everything going) and I have quite a poor immune system and catch everything going. The thought of catching Norovirus from them makes me absolutely terrified. 

I realise I'm being incredibly negative but I'm just not coping at the moment. I'm going to try to just focus on what needs doing today rather than how I feel about the whole thing! 

 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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Good luck belanna you sound like a lovely person. It’s funny how you are afraid of a real virus whereas I’m afraid of mental contamination. I don’t worry about viruses, not sure why exactly. Maybe it’s because I’ve had viruses in the past and got over them, and improved my diet, sleep and exercise so that I rarely get ill anymore. I don’t think viruses live for long when away from humans or animals so don’t worry too much about the cleaning, maybe just wipe the surfaces.

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1 hour ago, olb said:

Good luck belanna you sound like a lovely person. It’s funny how you are afraid of a real virus whereas I’m afraid of mental contamination. I don’t worry about viruses, not sure why exactly. Maybe it’s because I’ve had viruses in the past and got over them, and improved my diet, sleep and exercise so that I rarely get ill anymore. I don’t think viruses live for long when away from humans or animals so don’t worry too much about the cleaning, maybe just wipe the surfaces.

Thank you Olb, so do you :) 

I've had 'mental contamination' with things before- such as worrying about spreading cancer from being near to someone with it (which I realise sounds crazy-town-banana-pants) and worrying that something is contaminated by being in reasonably close proximity to something negative such as a graveyard so I do know that all forms of OCD are just as difficult as each other. I also know lots of unhelpful facts about Norovirus- for example that it can survive on surfaces for between 12 days and a month (unlike Covid, which is just a few days), which reinforce my silly fears! 

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I think the question comes down to ‘what are you afraid of?’ With your problem it’s being afraid of getting ill or dying from a virus. That’s easily understandable and I think it’s a case of taking some precautions but not taking it too far or worrying too much?

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7 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I would happily move away to my own flat when well enough (I lived a long away from my parent's home from when I was 19 years old until 24 and then again 25-27) but based on my health/employment history I'm unlikely to ever own a nice house/house of my own.

Just a thought...when you've had to take a step 'backwards' such as returning to live with parents it can be all too easy to fall into younger behaviours too. For example leaving all decisions and arrangements to the 'adults' to take care of. Sometimes we need to be reminded we're adults too and can take matters into our own hands if needed!

 

7 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I feel really distressed by the thought that there might be Covid/Norovirus in the apartment when we get there. I've been asking my Dad to email to ask for it to be professionally cleaned beforehand for months  :( and he's refusing out of embarrassment. 

Here's a case in point.

Why don't you phone the people yourself and ask what's happening? I own up to my OCD and find most people then co-operate as best they can. Explain your concerns around viruses (keep it a little bit vague so they don't try to counter your fears with logic which we know doesn't help!) and if they are cleaning it themselves politely say you're certain they're standards are very high, but then ask if they'd consider a professional clean even at this late stage to put your mind at rest.

Failing that you're going to have to treat it as a big ERP exercise and trust that the cleaning the average person does is adequate (which let's face it, it usually is.)

A lot of people go to great lengths to keep up appearances and hide any mental health issues. This puts all kinds of limits on what you can ask others to do and adds hugely to your stress levels when facing big live changes. I've learned it's best to be open about it, leave pride in the basement and then you're free to explain (to whatever degree you choose) why you're asking for something or why you're behaving as you do. Makes life so much simpler and reduces the stress that goes with pretending to be 'normal'.  :)

 

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I agree with snowbear, back when my problems developed I was young and didn’t want to appear weak in any way so from then on I’ve got to great lengths to hide the problems from friends and family. Honestly I don’t think this has helped me.

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22 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Just a thought...when you've had to take a step 'backwards' such as returning to live with parents it can be all too easy to fall into younger behaviours too. For example leaving all decisions and arrangements to the 'adults' to take care of. Sometimes we need to be reminded we're adults too and can take matters into our own hands if needed!

 

Here's a case in point.

Why don't you phone the people yourself and ask what's happening? I own up to my OCD and find most people then co-operate as best they can. Explain your concerns around viruses (keep it a little bit vague so they don't try to counter your fears with logic which we know doesn't help!) and if they are cleaning it themselves politely say you're certain they're standards are very high, but then ask if they'd consider a professional clean even at this late stage to put your mind at rest.

Failing that you're going to have to treat it as a big ERP exercise and trust that the cleaning the average person does is adequate (which let's face it, it usually is.)

A lot of people go to great lengths to keep up appearances and hide any mental health issues. This puts all kinds of limits on what you can ask others to do and adds hugely to your stress levels when facing big live changes. I've learned it's best to be open about it, leave pride in the basement and then you're free to explain (to whatever degree you choose) why you're asking for something or why you're behaving as you do. Makes life so much simpler and reduces the stress that goes with pretending to be 'normal'.  :)

 

Thanks Snowbear! I would happily email the apartment owner and have said so but my parents have asked me not to as they're worried it will cause problems. I'm reasonably okay about mentioning my contamination OCD where necessary, for example we had to mention it to the estate agent before house viewings. I think with the type of contamination OCD I have it is fairly obvious to most people that I have it- I ask family members to avoid bins audibly in front of other people, apply large quantities of hand sanitizer in public and am constantly on the look out for contamination 'triggers' so I think even strangers would know that there is 'something up'.  

I think my lack of control of my environment is a big problem. If I could manage to live alone in a flat for example (without needing help to do basic daily activities), I wouldn't need to cope with visitors who might be ill/contagious and I would have a say over things that I currently feel a bit powerless over. On the other hand I guess the fact that living with family means I cannot just avoid my fears might also be a good thing! 

Edited by BelAnna
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3 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

I think my lack of control of my environment is a big problem. If I could manage to live alone in a flat for example (without needing help to do basic daily activities), I wouldn't need to cope with visitors who might be ill/contagious and I would have a say over things that I currently feel a bit powerless over. On the other hand I guess the fact that living with family means I cannot just avoid my fears might also be a good thing! 

I think if you were living alone in a flat you'd fall into a million avoidance compulsions and end up like me. I've got news for you, all it does is replace one set of fears with another set. :laugh:  Nobody visits, nobody enters except under your rules and still OCD finds ways to keep the feeling of no control and powerlessness alive. :(

Contrary to what you think the way to regain control isn't to isolate yourself, but to change your mindset.

It's your mind that has taken away your sense of control. Changing your mindset is how you regain control.

Ultimately you need to get to a place where you no longer fear norovirus at all, but the cognitive work can be done in stages, a bit like ERP.

12 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

I would happily email the apartment owner and have said so but my parents have asked me not to as they're worried it will cause problems.

I totally get it, my parents would have been the same. But this is where you need to remind yourself you're an adult. Rather than simply complying unquestioningly, you have the right, and the ability, to open a discussion !

Likely your parents main fear isn't their embarrassment so much as worrying how the appartment owner will react. What's going through their minds could well be a fear of the owner backing out and the family being left homeless.

So talk to them! Ask if that's what they're worried about. Offer to approach the owner yourself so he/she can be reassured you're not creating problems, simply seeing what - if anything-  is possible within the existing arrangement/ agreement. As long as you stay polite and show willing to compromise you should be able to discuss options without ruffling any feathers.

Give it a go! You've nothing to lose and so much to gain, not least a closer understanding of/with your parents. :)

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14 hours ago, snowbear said:

I think if you were living alone in a flat you'd fall into a million avoidance compulsions and end up like me. I've got news for you, all it does is replace one set of fears with another set. :laugh:  Nobody visits, nobody enters except under your rules and still OCD finds ways to keep the feeling of no control and powerlessness alive. :(

Contrary to what you think the way to regain control isn't to isolate yourself, but to change your mindset.

It's your mind that has taken away your sense of control. Changing your mindset is how you regain control.

Ultimately you need to get to a place where you no longer fear norovirus at all, but the cognitive work can be done in stages, a bit like ERP.

I totally get it, my parents would have been the same. But this is where you need to remind yourself you're an adult. Rather than simply complying unquestioningly, you have the right, and the ability, to open a discussion !

Likely your parents main fear isn't their embarrassment so much as worrying how the appartment owner will react. What's going through their minds could well be a fear of the owner backing out and the family being left homeless.

So talk to them! Ask if that's what they're worried about. Offer to approach the owner yourself so he/she can be reassured you're not creating problems, simply seeing what - if anything-  is possible within the existing arrangement/ agreement. As long as you stay polite and show willing to compromise you should be able to discuss options without ruffling any feathers.

Give it a go! You've nothing to lose and so much to gain, not least a closer understanding of/with your parents. :)

I'm not sure whether this is a positive thing or not really but I never comply unquestioningly with anything! (I can be quite assertive when I need to be).

We had an argument on Saturday about it but my Dad refused to engage in conversation about the issue so it wasn't a case of just having a discussion really. 

I really don't know how to get to a place where I'm okay about Norovirus- I know that that's key to overcoming this obsession but i've been saying that for years and still can't change my mindset.

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