Am I a monster?

[cursedforever]

well I will share the incident that concerns me
 

I am dealing with pocd (atlleast I hope).

well last year, I went into dark web one night. honestly that is all I remember. I have multiple memories of that same incident.

one of that memory is that I might have masturbated to jailbait stuffs..

I am freaking out. I seriously don't know, but now I feel like I am someone who always wanted to see child porn and will masturbate again if I got another chance to.

I am crushing my skull to figure out if I will ever do that, and I don't know if I did it.

I was struggling to find this incident, and posted a similar post here on reddit. a person sent me an link telling me that this is a 13 year old and asked me to see if I am attracted. the link looked suspicious, anyway I clicked it, and it was a naked video of a girl. I freaked out, tried to see I am really attracted, then I got a panic attack , then later that day I deleted my whole reddit account. now I am worried that I liked actually and I have faked my panic attack.



I don't know when was the last time I slept tbh. this feels like living hell. Why am I feeling like I would masturbate to it if I got a chance to?

I am having a ton of false memories and don't know how to deal with them. someone please help me.`

because of this, I started to rarely use my computer, I am worried I would go into one with curiosity, and i am even getting images of me doing that in the future.

am I a pedophile? someone please help me.

well the thing is that , I don't even know if this happened or not. but I can't stop obsessing.


I am pretty sure I cannot able to remember anything.
also, I can't even trust my current memory. well I don't know anything. but I can't stop obsessing.

my brain is bringing some random memories like you slept there that night so you might have done it

even if I actually went to dark web, and searched for cp, it seems that those shits are not easy to find and government has blocked most of them. but I still can't stop obsessing./

I honestly don't know what to do. all my fantasies included adult women, not even once I ever thought someone just even two years old to be sexually attractive, or fantasized them
someone please help me.

Edited July 28, 2021 by cursedforever

[PolarBear]

OCD sufferers do not obsess. They ruminate, which is a compulsion. It csn be stopped, over time.

So for a long time you have ruminated over this. You don't know what really happened, if anything. So did all that ruminating do any good? Are you any closer to an answer?

You will not find the answer you seek by ruminating. It's never going to happen.

What uou need to do is leave this alone.