Cora Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Yesterday lots of incidents happened and today I woke up with this terrible gut feeling that I'm a sexual deviant who is enjoying all of this. The incidents include me touching my brother's arm as an urge, having disturbing sexual thoughts on purpose and enjoying it, thinking my brother is handsome to a very weird level, thinking my 17 years old female cousin is attractive to a very weird and gross level, and so much more. I can't express in words how grossed out I am by myself. It's a terrible feeling and it's stopping me from doing anything, even the most basic tasks. I feel horrible and I simply can't stand myself anymore. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 This is the same as last week and the week before and the month before and last year.....and, and. The advise also remains the same I know how horrible this is Cora but sadly, until you can find the resolve to try and start working on this (every day) it's going to keep affecting you like this Link to comment
Cora Posted July 28, 2021 Author Share Posted July 28, 2021 I feel like a sexual deviant. I feel really awful. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 What are you going to do to try & change that? Link to comment
Caramoole Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 9 hours ago, Cora said: having disturbing sexual thoughts on purpose and enjoying it Describe the joy and happiness it's giving you. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 28, 2021 Author Share Posted July 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Caramoole said: Describe the joy and happiness it's giving you It's a weird feeling inside me. I can't really explain it. But it does feel like I'm enjoying it. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 28, 2021 Author Share Posted July 28, 2021 I keep thinking my brother is handsome and get urges to randomly touch his arm or leg, give him hugs and kisses. But if I do touch him, I swear, it feels like I'm doing it to pleasure myself. It's really messed up. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Cora, we can't keep on just offering the same explanation. You have to think about all that's been explained, to try and accept it and then to do your best to try to make some of the changes. I know it's hard and scary but it's important you try Link to comment
Scott Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Cora said: Yesterday lots of incidents happened and today I woke up with this terrible gut feeling that I'm a sexual deviant who is enjoying all of this. The incidents include me touching my brother's arm as an urge, having disturbing sexual thoughts on purpose and enjoying it, thinking my brother is handsome to a very weird level, thinking my 17 years old female cousin is attractive to a very weird and gross level, and so much more. I can't express in words how grossed out I am by myself. It's a terrible feeling and it's stopping me from doing anything, even the most basic tasks. I feel horrible and I simply can't stand myself anymore. Over the past few years I've thought I was gay, thought I was transgender, thought I fancied my mum, thought I fancied my sister. I've had awful sexual thoughts as well, that I couldn't mention on a public forum like this. I realise though that when I was young (before I was diagnosed as OCD) I had none of the above and I doubt my tastes have changed with age - what has changed is OCD flaring up as a young adult, filling my head with rubbish and doubt. I find with my OCD that when I finish with one anxiety, OCD finds me another anxiety quickly to fill the gap. It's a brain disorder filling your head with lies. Edited July 28, 2021 by Scott Link to comment
Cora Posted July 28, 2021 Author Share Posted July 28, 2021 I feel awful because I'm convinced I've abused my little brother. Any time I touch him, there's some sort of really powerful sensations everywhere in my body that feel completely sexual. I want to get past this but that means if I touch my brother as an exposure, I will enjoy it in a very gross way because of the sensations - they are there all the time. I'm having a horrible time. I hate myself! Link to comment
PolarBear Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Reality check. If you enjoyed the sensations you wouldn't be here complaining about them all the time. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Was going to bring myself to the Emergency Department this morning. I feel that bad. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 16 minutes ago, Nikki79 said: Was going to bring myself to the Emergency Department this morning. I feel that bad. Hi @Nikki79, I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm struggling a lot at the moment so I understand how hard this is. Have you tried to talk to your partner or someone you really trust? Maybe they can offer some support. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 9 minutes ago, Cora said: Hi @Nikki79, I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm struggling a lot at the moment so I understand how hard this is. Have you tried to talk to your partner or someone you really trust? Maybe they can offer some support. Hi Cora I’m so sorry we have to go through this. My partner isn’t great for talking at the moment but I have my Aunt calling to me this morning. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 23 minutes ago, Nikki79 said: Hi Cora I’m so sorry we have to go through this. My partner isn’t great for talking at the moment but I have my Aunt calling to me this morning. Hi Nikki, That's good that your aunt is calling. I hope she can help. But if you still struggle and feel like need extra help and support, maybe you should go to the Emergency Department. Stay strong, Nikki! And let us know how things are going xx Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 21 minutes ago, Cora said: Hi Nikki, That's good that your aunt is calling. I hope she can help. But if you still struggle and feel like need extra help and support, maybe you should go to the Emergency Department. Stay strong, Nikki! And let us know how things are going xx I don’t even know what the Emergency Department can do for me really. I’m just that desperate. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 4 minutes ago, Nikki79 said: I don’t even know what the Emergency Department can do for me really. I’m just that desperate. Nikki, when is your aunt calling? Do you think you can maybe talk to someone else? Maybe your dad? I know it's hard, but you have to stay strong. Like someone told me yesterday, take some deep breaths and let this go even though it feels like you're not allowed to. Maybe go outside, sit in the sun, feel the wind... but deep breaths, Nikki. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 My Dad is away on a short break with my Mum so I’m trying not to bother him. My Aunt should be here shortly I hope. I would love to let it go so much. I just am spent from this horrible disease. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Cora can I ask you something. How important do you think thoughts are when we fall into the trap of rumination? Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 55 minutes ago, Nikki79 said: How important do you think thoughts are when we fall into the trap of rumination? Well, rationally, they are not important even a bit. But we don't know that in the moment of spiral. It's like we know the thoughts are just thoughts but it's also like we don't know that at the same time. I'm sorry I can't be of greater help, I'm stuck myself. 1 hour ago, Nikki79 said: I would love to let it go so much. You have to. It's the only choice! Have you managed to talk to your aunt yet? Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 I did and I feel better after chatting with her. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Nikki79 said: I did and I feel better after chatting with her. That is really good to hear! Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 I don’t even know why I feel better, just a hug and ear to listen to me. Link to comment
Cora Posted July 29, 2021 Author Share Posted July 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Nikki79 said: I don’t even know why I feel better, just a hug and ear to listen to me. Don't overthink it. You feel a bit better so that's all that matters. Now maybe you can engage your mind with something else, something that does not involve rumination or analysis of feelings and thoughts. It could be anything. For example, I have two exams coming in less than 2 weeks so I'm to trying to keep my mind busy with revision. Maybe you could watch something on the TV, maybe listen to some music, or even nap if you feel tired, or go for a walk if the weather is nice enough. Link to comment
snowbear Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 5 hours ago, Nikki79 said: How important do you think thoughts are when we fall into the trap of rumination? 4 hours ago, Cora said: Well, rationally, they are not important even a bit. But we don't know that in the moment of spiral. It's like we know the thoughts are just thoughts but it's also like we don't know that at the same time. You both sound like you expect to know the thoughts aren't important in the moment of spiral. But that's not how it works. You don't wait until you're in the throes of anxiety to start to resist. Have a plan in place before the thoughts occur. 'Next time I get a thought like that my plan is...' and practise it mentally. Like running through a fire drill. Go over how you're NOT going to let it spiral in your imagination. Practise how that feels. Imagine yourself responding differently. Not doing compulsions. Distracting yourself with something unrelated to your worries. Picture yourself calm and able to stop it spiralling. 3 hours ago, Nikki79 said: I don’t even know why I feel better, just a hug and ear to listen to me. That's great. But you have to get to a place where you can hug yourself, talk yourself down from the anxiety. Build up your self-belief, self-reliance, and the ability to believe yourself . 3 hours ago, Cora said: Now maybe you can engage your mind with something else, something that does not involve rumination or analysis of feelings and thoughts. It could be anything. For example, I have two exams coming in less than 2 weeks so I'm to trying to keep my mind busy with revision. Maybe you could watch something on the TV, maybe listen to some music, or even nap if you feel tired, or go for a walk if the weather is nice enough. Both of you need a plan in place for how you're going to deal with the next episode of doubt and worry. These are good suggestions for the distraction part, but don't neglect the preparation part, picturing yourself NOT doing compulsions, trusting your own judgement, and staying calm. I hope your exams go well, Cora. Link to comment
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