Really struggling

[Nikki79]

Hi guys, just wanted to reach out cos I’m really struggling at the moment. I won’t go into the thoughts but familiar thoughts images etc keep popping into my brain about what I’m worrying about referring to harming my daughter. It’s probably images from when I had before but they make me feel anxious cos I’m not sure where they are coming from and keep thinking well what if they are rememebering something etc etc. sorry to go on I’m just so distressed and tired and sad over my life. 

[snowbear]

8 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

they make me feel anxious cos I’m not sure where they are coming from

You know this Nikki. They come from the anxious part of your brain.

Remember the purple elephants trick? Someone tells you you're allowed to think of anything you like as long as it isn't a purple elephant. The idea of a purple elephant is so outrageous that as soon as it's suggested the mind latches onto it and it's all you can picture in your head.

Treat all images that scare you as purple elephants. They only exist if you think about them and cease to exist the moment you stop.

 

[Nikki79]

4 minutes ago, snowbear said:

You know this Nikki. They come from the anxious part of your brain.

Remember the purple elephants trick? Someone tells you you're allowed to think of anything you like as long as it isn't a purple elephant. The idea of a purple elephant is so outrageous that as soon as it's suggested the mind latches onto it and it's all you can picture in your head.

Treat all images that scare you as purple elephants. They only exist if you think about them and cease to exist the moment you stop.

 

But do you see how they came open me? It started off with one worry and then I remembered other worries I could feel bad about. In the end it’s asking me are these plausible should I take them seriously? And then my worry brain wants me to remember exactly where they came from in the hope that I can see that they don’t mean anything happened 

[Caramoole]

Thinking about everything we, your therapists have said, can you not see what's happening here?

[Nikki79]

2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Thinking about everything we, your therapists have said, can you not see what's happening here?

I’m just crying and sobbing and feeling hopeless Caramoole. I’m so sorry for being such a pain to you all. 

[Nikki79]

I even ended up checking videos of when my child was younger to see could I remember anything and at first I thought no way and then one video triggered thoughts that I might have done something. This is absolute hell. 

[snowbear]

32 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

But do you see how they came open me? It started off with one worry and then I remembered other worries I could feel bad about. In the end it’s asking me are these plausible should I take them seriously?

I can rell you exactly how it works. You thought 'purple elephant', which made you think 'pink elephant, blue elephant, OMG! BLUE elephants! That's the most plausible yet. Should I worry about blue elephants?

If you pay attention to that first purple one, you'll be plagued by whole herds of multicoloured elephants.

 

34 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

my brain wants me to remember exactly where they came from in the hope that I can see that they don’t mean anything happened 

Well of course it does. You're so used to responding to this with compulsions (trying to work it out) that's your automatic response every time.  You start ruminating faster than thought itself.

Which is why you have to get brave and stop asking/ checking/ seeking answers the instant you realise that's where your mind has gone (or more easily recocognised - the moment you feel anxious.) Your compulsive reaction is so fast that you're not going to see it coming, so you have to be prepared to put the brakes on the moment it starts. 

Next thought/ image you catch yourself wanting to check out in some way RECOGNISE YOUR COMPULSIONS HAVE ALREADY STARTED and instead of keeping at it until you feel swamped and tearful, step away and refuse to ruminate any further.

[Nikki79]

4 minutes ago, snowbear said:

I can rell you exactly how it works. You thought 'purple elephant', which made you think 'pink elephant, blue elephant, OMG! BLUE elephants! That's the most plausible yet. Should I worry about blue elephants?

If you pay attention to that first purple one, you'll be plagued by whole herds of multicoloured elephants.

 

Well of course it does. You're so used to responding to this with compulsions (trying to work it out) that's your automatic response every time.  You start ruminating faster than thought itself.

Which is why you have to get brave and stop asking/ checking/ seeking answers the instant you realise that's where your mind has gone (or more easily recocognised - the moment you feel anxious.) Your compulsive reaction is so fast that you're not going to see it coming, so you have to be prepared to put the brakes on the moment it starts. 

Next thought/ image you catch yourself wanting to check out in some way RECOGNISE YOUR COMPULSIONS HAVE ALREADY STARTED and instead of keeping at it until you feel swamped and tearful, step away and refuse to ruminate any further.

But  is it too late Snowbear? I went and checked my photos and videos and had more familiar thoughts, seemed to remember something and although I’d like to think I’m not guilty of anything ( everyone tells me) I feel like the worst person in the world cos maybe I am cos these thoughts tell me there is a possibility. 

[Caramoole]

So are you going to ignore the advice Nikki and do the opposite?  Or are you going to try a different way? You'll never feel any better doing what you're doing

[Nikki79]

Just now, Caramoole said:

So are you going to ignore the advice Nikki and do the opposite?  Or are you going to try a different way? You'll never feel any better doing what you're doing

But I’m scared Caramoole I’m scared about what these thoughts seem to tell me. I’m scared so scared that I’m guilty of something 

[Caramoole]

Well, there's not a lot of point in answering anymore questions Nikki if you're not going to listen to any of the advice.

Don't think I don't understand how stuck you are at the moment...or how anxious but to become unstuck you have to at least try to start the process of trying some of the suggestions.  Even then you'll fail & falter but you keep on working at it.  If you spend all day checking, ruminating, looking for others to reassure you this will just go on.  You've a little girl there who's growing up quickly....time to bite the bullet and really try to change this response.  

[Nikki79]

Just now, Caramoole said:

Well, there's not a lot of point in answering anymore questions Nikki if you're not going to listen to any of the advice.

Don't think I don't understand how stuck you are at the moment...or how anxious but to become unstuck you have to at least try to start the process of trying some of the suggestions.  Even then you'll fail & falter but you keep on working at it.  If you spend all day checking, ruminating, looking for others to reassure you this will just go on.  You've a little girl there who's growing up quickly....time to bite the bullet and really try to change this response.  

I know I’m so scared I’m going to lose everything and I’m doing all the wrong things. I just am falling all the time and so scared 

[Nikki79]

I’m sorry Caramoole I don’t mean to insult you. I really respect what you say and how you have helped literally a wretch like me.

[Caramoole]

So.....what are you going to do......keep putting your hand in the lion's mouth or stop feeding it?

As your Husband said the other day, dry your eyes and go spend half an hour with your little girl & concentrate on playing or showing her a book or giving her tea.  Do the opposite of the avoidance you want to do

[Nikki79]

1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

So.....what are you going to do......keep putting your hand in the lion's mouth or stop feeding it?

As your Husband said the other day, dry your eyes and go spend half an hour with your little girl & concentrate on playing or showing her a book or giving her tea.  Do the opposite of the avoidance you want to do

I want to stop feeding the horrible thing. It’s depressing me, ruining my life, killing me slowly. I can’t even explain how awful I feel.

I minded my little girl all day so I’m taking a little rest now. I engaged her as much as I could despite the thoughts. 

[Caramoole]

Well that's brilliant, well done.....and possibly why you're feeling a bit burnt out.  But the rest of the advice stands.  Re-read Snowbears post.  You have to work at recognising the thoughts and the compulsions

[Nikki79]

2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Well that's brilliant, well done.....and possibly why you're feeling a bit burnt out.  But the rest of the advice stands.  Re-read Snowbears post.  You have to work at recognising the thoughts and the compulsions

Yes im tired and also on my period. 
 

I do think the thoughts and compulsions are sneaky but I mostly recognize them im just weak at doing what I should do. I just can’t believe how strong these thoughts are you know?

[Nikki79]

My Dad says refuse to let this bully win, be insulted, it’s doing you wrong, fight it!!! Get mad!!

[Nikki79]

How do I override my absolute anguish and suffering In the presence of these thoughts telling me I’m guilty of something? 

[Nikki79]

I have to say this is one of the worst incidents I have had that checking my videos did but strangely enough I have this fight in me that says I don’t deserve to be in this pain, I don’t deserve to lose any more precious hours of my short life to this horrible disgusting hateful bully. I’m actually getting angry about it all. I want to be the one who gets passed this, I want to be free, I’ve had enough. I’ve suffered 2 plus years and it’s only getting harder and having more of an impact on my wellbeing and life than ever before. I can’t bare it.

[Nikki79]

I’m so scared guys, I’m so very scared. I can’t stop crying 

 

[Scott]

2 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

How do I override my absolute anguish and suffering In the presence of these thoughts telling me I’m guilty of something? 

 

I was diagnosed with OCD in 2004. I've lived with it for 17 years, on 60mg of prozac a day. Throughout those years I've had all your thoughts, and just about everything depraved there is. 

I've worried I might act on some of them, but I haven't. And then I realised - OCD tells you lies. It lies to you and makes you think you want to do these things.

I'm an atheist btw, I know these thoughts are from my illness, I'm not "evil" and its not a demon; its my brain not working correctly.

Even if I were put in a position where I could carry out my most awful thoughts and nobody would find out, I still wouldn't do it.

I realise my brain has a disorder and I'm in control. Know this: you are still in control too. That is what you must remember at all times. And you are not alone. 

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by Scott

[Nikki79]

15 minutes ago, Scott said:

 

I was diagnosed with OCD in 2004. I've lived with it for 17 years, on 60mg of prozac a day. Throughout those years I've had all your thoughts, and just about everything depraved there is. 

I've worried I might act on some of them, but I haven't. And then I realised - OCD tells you lies. It lies to you and makes you think you want to do these things.

I'm an atheist btw, I know these thoughts are from my illness, I'm not "evil" and its not a demon; its my brain not working correctly.

Even if I were put in a position where I could carry out my most awful thoughts and nobody would find out, I still wouldn't do it.

I realise my brain has a disorder and I'm in control. Know this: you are still in control too. That is what you must remember at all times. And you are not alone. 

 

Thank you Scott you brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you had to suffer like that. I

[Scott]

1 minute ago, Nikki79 said:

Thank you Scott you brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you had to suffer like that. I

OCD wasn't all bad for me. One thing that OCD does is it makes you tough. You become resilient.

I was a nervous young man when diagnosed with it, I was extremely anxious. When I resumed working I was a nervous wreck and bullied by the alpha male in the office. My obsessive thoughts were running rampant at the time, it was early days.

Nowadays, I'd tear that fool up and spit him out. Over the years you get used to your brain filling your head with rubbish and recognise it for what it is. There is nothing disgusting that my OCD can think of that I haven't thought of before.

I still have anxiety filled evenings at times, but if I find something to occupy my mind like programming or watching a movie, that helps.  

You must persevere Nikki. I've lasted 17 years, I'm a different person to what I used to be. If I can overcome, or at least come to terms with OCD, I'm sure you can too.

[Nikki79]

1 minute ago, Scott said:

OCD wasn't all bad for me. One thing that OCD does is it makes you tough. You become resilient.

I was a nervous young man when diagnosed with it, I was extremely anxious. When I resumed working I was a nervous wreck and bullied by the alpha male in the office. My obsessive thoughts were running rampant at the time, it was early days.

Nowadays, I'd tear that fool up and spit him out. Over the years you get used to your brain filling your head with rubbish and recognise it for what it is. There is nothing disgusting that my OCD can think of that I haven't thought of before.

I still have anxiety filled evenings at times, but if I find something to occupy my mind like programming or watching a movie, that helps.  

You must persevere Nikki. I've lasted 17 years, I'm a different person to what I used to be. If I can overcome, or at least come to terms with OCD, I'm sure you can too.

Scott it’s relentless, I’ve had it 21 years now on and off. Like at the moment it’s fixating on thoughts and images that seem to tell me I might have done harm to my daughter some time ago. It just came in tonight as I was worrying about it and how would you deal with that?