Struggling because of porn

[cursedforever]

well last year I gone to dark web. that is all I remember clearly. other then that I have memories of me searching for "jailbait" on search engine that wont' filter the results. I don't even know if this memory is true. I also have memories of me masturbating to something that I think came as a result. again , I am not sure.

But from what I have heard from a lot of people online, it is impossible to find child porn in the search results just like that so it is impossible that what I could have masturbated might be child porn.

well I am addicted to porn, and I even masturbated to some weird porn like animal for no reason.

Also when I was like 14 or 15, I would search porn in which women look younger than age( all legal) just because they look younger than their age.

also , sometimes, like 2 or 3 times, I searched for teen porn last year(again everything legal), just because they looked like my age.

I never fantasized children sexually, and all my fantasies only included adults or people my own age.

i am suffering form this , and I have posted a similar post here on reddit. I received a message from an guy, with a link telling me that " she is 13 year old, check if you are attracted to her" the link itself looked suspicious, I clicked, it was a video of a 13 year old naked. I freaked out , got a panic attack.

I tried to check if I am attracted one or two times, but due to my anxiety that time, I deleted my whole reddit account.

I am now worried that I checked one or two times because I am attracted to the that. it gives me intense panic attack so much that it gives me intense head ache.

next incident is recent. I was not able to live with this uncertainity. a person said to me that it is not easy to find child porn on dark web, so I thought I should check it, so I gone to duckduckgo in tor browser and came to know no stuffs like that was exist. I suddenly remember another search engine, and I clicked the first link in which the first image itself was messed up . It was which I hope is a pic of a dwarf women. I suddenly closed that website. and haven't sleeped since

I cannot stop asking these questions inside my head. I am keep on asking

will you masturbate to child porn if you got a chance to?

are you sexually attracted to a child

I cannot stop ruminating and I feel like I would be better if I jumped out of a building

honestly I never even thought about a child in sexual way. not even once. but now whenever I see a tv show, and I see a girl, i need to check if I am attracted to that girl, then I will go to google to find out that girl's age. if I felt that I guessed the age of that girl wrong, I would feel terrible

I am already suffering from some sexual things when I was a kid, like when I was 12-14. I was not the the average younger teen you are seeing now. I lacked any sex education , and was homeschooled, had no friends, had no access to any kind of technology whatsoever.

 

 

now i am just worried. there was a porn video on a famous tube site which is 100% legal. in that video there was a comment about pedophile, that is when I came across the term and searched for it on google and started obsess if I am one.

 

 

I saw a post somewhere telling me that pedophiles can't differentiate between adults and kids, and I tried to see if I could feel the same way and I felt like I did and caused intense anxiety.

 

when ever now I see a teenage girl, I am asking myself if I am attracted to them, and my brain is telling me things like you always are, and also you can't see them as kids. this freaks me out

 

 

I was considering castration before, but now I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this ****.

This is not a post of me asking for sympathy, rather I just thought I should vent this all out.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Ashley

[Ashley]

Hello,

Sorry things are difficult for you right now.  You talk very much about the symptom but not about OCD itself so I wondered how much you know about OCD or understand the process that goes on when someone is suffering with OCD?  The fact you are suggests you know this is OCD but your post is all about the triggers nothing about recognition of OCD.

The process I mention people are surprised to hear is actually the same for most people with OCD, regardless of the symptom/flavour of their worries.  Understanding that process can be a good step to being abler to separate the thoughts we have from meaning 'I am a pedophile' for example to 'This is OCD convincing me I am a paedophile'. 

 

Quote

I was considering castration before, but now I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this ****.

Castration is unlikely to cure OCD, or stop the thoughts.  I also thought your username was worth thinking about, cursedforever suggests that you can't recover or get better.  I hope in time you reach out to the moderating team to ask us to change that for you to something more positive. 

Because here's the thing, we do know how to treat OCD and people can and do get better from OCD. In your post you don't mention if you are even receiving any treatment (CBT) for the OCD?   

Part of recovery is in part, belief, and maybe you should think about a more positive username?

Just a note about your thread title. We have a lot of forum users of all ages and sensitivities so I have taken the liberty to change your forum title to ensure other users are not left alarmed or concerned.