How does it even make sense?

[Cora]

Please help me understand.

How me having a thought/urge/feeling and then immediately after, in the form of an impulse, touching my brother's arm, giving him a kiss on the cheek, or giving him a hug does not equal acting on these thoughts/urges/feelings? I just don't get it. Just now my brother came into my room being very annoying and making me feel more anxious and agitated than I was before, and I slightly pushed him away immediately after having one of the grossest urge I've ever had. I'm now freaking out and feeling like I want to explode because I don't get it, I don't get how this is not me acting on urges and feelings and thoughts. 

I really need to understand what is going on! Please help me!

[Braeriach]

Hi Cora

I've read several of your threads but never replied to you before - hope you don't mind me jumping in now! 

I think it's less that you're acting on the thoughts and more that you're reacting to them, in that you are testing yourself to see how you feel/react.

I was going to type more but I think it would just turn into reaassurance, so I won't.

[Cora]

1 minute ago, Braeriach said:

Hi Cora

I've read several of your threads but never replied to you before - hope you don't mind me jumping in now! 

I think it's less that you're acting on the thoughts and more that you're reacting to them, in that you are testing yourself to see how you feel/react.

I was going to type more but I think it would just turn into reaassurance, so I won't.

Thank you very much for your reply, @Braeriach! 

I don't want to sound stupid and annoying but it really doesn't feel like I'm testing myself. It all feels like me acting on very very bad impulses and just not being able to control myself. 

[Braeriach]

You don't sound stupid or annoying. You sound like someone struggling very much with a horrible condition that is very difficult to overcome. But it can be done, and you have the tools to start/continue doing that.

[snowbear]

What you're asking is 'Do the thoughts in my head just before I hug or touch my brother mean.....'

Ok. How about this scenario.

I bump into someone I knew from school. She's all 'Lovely to see you! Mwah, mwah.'

I grit my teeth and talk politely to her. I can't stand her. The sight of her makes me feel sick. I have thoughts about murdering her, nastily. I think about torturing her first, pulling out each of those perfect white teeth one by one, smashing her oh-so-perfect face to a pulp. The thoughts make me feel good. How I'd love to do that! She prattles on about herself and her life. I smile malichiously. She notices nothing, probably thinks I'm smiling at her bad jokes. Running through my head is the word 'Die! Die!' I'm really enjoying my thoughts of killing her. We part with a hug and I'm thinking, 'I wish I was a huge python squeezing the air out of your lungs, you nasty....'

I squeeze her really hard as we hug goodbye.

Does that make me a murderer? No.

What I'm thinking just before or during an action doesn't make it a bad action, or me a bad person.

You get the urges because you've made a link in your mind 'brother and sex'. Every time you see your brother you mind flags up this link, not because it's 'true', simply to ask 'Is this link still valid? You want me to keep on making this link?'

You respond with panic, self-recrimination, hundreds of compulsions. Your brain rolls it's eyes and thinks, 'Jeez, that's some reaction to an innocent question. All I wanted to know was if I should keep the link active or shut it down. If it's THAT important to her I'd better keep it active. In fact, better flag it up as REALLY IMPORTANT so I'm ready to react even more and faster next time.'

And so on. YOU keep the cycle going. Feeding your brain 24/7 with the idea that everything you do around your brother has some kind of sexual meaning. Telling yourself you're a bad person for thinking it. Telling yourself you're acting on real urges.

My urge to kill that school 'friend' was real. My action (hugging her too hard as we parted) was real. But what I was thinking was irrelevant.

What I was thinking doesn't make those thoughts 'true' just because I was thinking them. Wanting to act on the urge to kill her doesn't make me a murderer. 

I walk away from that hug, forget her, forget my desire to murder within seconds. I don't do compulsions. I don't beat myself up. I don't keep on telling my brain that schoolfriend = desire to kill, be ready for next time you see her!' So it ends there and then.

Your thoughts, your urges, your thoughts before during and after... are all just thoughts. They have no meaning.

Unless you give them one. Even a crazy, false one like 'seeing my brother = sexual desire.' But if you go on doing compulsions your brain will start to believe it, making it feel more and more real.

Remind yourself, 'These are just thoughts. What I'm thinking before during or after any urges means nothing. Let it go.

 

 

[Cora]

@snowbear, this is such amazing advice! I've been reading and re-reading it and it makes perfect sense. But I still find it very hard to accept that there is no link between all those urges and the actions that happen after the urges. I don't know why I don't get it and why my brain won't let me move on. 

[PolarBear]

You don't have to get it. Just accept it. Don't spend any more time trying to get it, either.

Accept it and leave it alone.