Have i gone too far?

[Ironborn]

Hello everyone.

Recently I have been suffering from extreme feelings of guilt towards my 2.5 year old son.

I have occasionally teased or frightened him by saying that there were snails on his pants or something. This was mainly when the two of us were outside or working on the allotment garden. Sometimes he would go along with this and then he would pretend to see a snail on me or show me one. I also joked that there was a snail on his sandwich, or I asked if he would like to eat a snail and sometimes he aswers wit this smile on his face YES! And then I pretended to grab a snail and then put it on his sandwich or something.

However, I was not aware of any harm, and it just seemed to me to be a bit of teasing and fooling around. I would like to point out that I love my son very much and that I would never want anything to happen to him or anything like that.

Now we were back at the allotment garden 2 days ago and at one point he tripped over something, and I then made a sort of comment like; look, you fell on a snail!

This upsetted him, and I immediately felt a tremendous amount of guilt, i picked him up and made sure he was ok by consoling him. I have now decided not to tease him anymore with such things. I just can't get it out of my head that he might suffer from this permanently? or that he will always blame me and hate me for it. He seems to be just fine already, but still...

I find it very annoying because I was bullied myself as a child but I also bullied a lot myself. And the last thing I want is for my son to be like that too, which is why I feel so bad, and a really bad parent.

After that I also googled 'father teases child' and similar terms. I only came across articles that you really can't do such things, and that your child loses confidence in you, that it could harm his or her upbringing, or that they themselves become bullies in the future.

Now I know that my parents (both) were also teasing me when i was a kid, and I may have picked it up from there. But I don't want it to have a bad effect on my kids. So I stopped it immediately.

It is true that I am now overcompensating a lot, and I have trouble saying 'no' to him, because I'm afraid he will hate me or something.

Again i want to say that I love my son dearly, and that if it came down to it I would give my life for him within a second, no doubt.

Does anyone here have any words of support or ideas?

How do I get rid of that guilt, does compensating help? is that a good starting point?

[discuccsant]

I don't even know why you call it “bullying”? Like what? It doesn't have anything to with bullying, to make fun of your son. I always do that with my daughter and laugh with her afterwards. What's the big deal? Hey, my daughter picks up her water pistol and shoots me with that. It's just fun. Why should I consider that as bullying? It's as if someone throws a stone together with his son and now asks himself if his son is going to be a terrorist because of whatever reason. That's just nonsensical. There isn't any good reason to believe that. It's just so absurd.

Think about it yourself. Doesn't it stinks heavily, as if OCD try as hard as it can by picking up something silly as that to create doubt in you? 

[MarieJo]

This may be giving you reassurance but from what you have said you are not a bully but a loving father with issues from his past. We all tease our kids from time to time, me included. Sometimes we go too far so as decent parents we then stop..it's done as fun but when it's not fun for the child you stop,  as you did. My kids tease me at times too, it's human nature. Abusers take it to a whole other level. Ridiculing their children and saying unkind and hurtful things. You are not that kind of person and deep down you know you're not a bully, it's just ocd, anxiety and over thinking at play.

[Ironborn]

16 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I don't even know why you call it “bullying”? Like what? It doesn't have anything to with bullying, to make fun of your son. I always do that with my daughter and laugh with her afterwards. What's the big deal? Hey, my daughter picks up her water pistol and shoots me with that. It's just fun. Why should I consider that as bullying? It's as if someone throws a stone together with his son and now asks himself if his son is going to be a terrorist because of whatever reason. That's just nonsensical. There isn't any good reason to believe that. It's just so absurd.

Think about it yourself. Doesn't it stinks heavily, as if OCD try as hard as it can by picking up something silly as that to create doubt in you? 

I call it bullying because i tend to have problems with knowing when enough is enough, its something that goes along alot of things in my life, i most of the times ovedo things, i tend to get too invested in hobby's, too excited about things, too lazy with things i dont enjoy, to vocal and present at birthday or other parties, too obsessed with ocd, too obsessed with caring for our earth (veganism, taking care of surroundings etc), And also too invested in teasing / bullying maybe?

When someone tells me to stop, i find it really really hard to stop, and i hate that about myself. Up to the point if someone actually is hurt (emotional) i suddenly realise ive gone too far and i feel extremely bad, and i start to overcompensate.

5 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

This may be giving you reassurance but from what you have said you are not a bully but a loving father with issues from his past. We all tease our kids from time to time, me included. Sometimes we go too far so as decent parents we then stop..it's done as fun but when it's not fun for the child you stop,  as you did. My kids tease me at times too, it's human nature. Abusers take it to a whole other level. Ridiculing their children and saying unkind and hurtful things. You are not that kind of person and deep down you know you're not a bully, it's just ocd, anxiety and over thinking at play.

I think i might have certain issues with living to extremes. please ready my answer above to know what im trying to say.

[discuccsant]

10 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

I call it bullying because i tend to have problems with knowing when enough is enough, its something that goes along alot of things in my life, i most of the times ovedo things, i tend to get too invested in hobby's, too excited about things, too lazy with things i dont enjoy, to vocal and present at birthday or other parties, too obsessed with ocd, too obsessed with caring for our earth (veganism, taking care of surroundings etc), And also too invested in teasing / bullying maybe?

When someone tells me to stop, i find it really really hard to stop, and i hate that about myself. Up to the point if someone actually is hurt (emotional) i suddenly realise ive gone too far and i feel extremely bad, and i start to overcompensate.

I think i might have certain issues with living to extremes. please ready my answer above to know what im trying to say.

I'm sorry to be that harsh now, but isn't like everyone a bit like you, and you aren't that special, as you think you are? Most people I know, including myself, are like that. You just described a normal human being. Who isn't lazy about things they don't enjoy? Who isn't too invested in his hobbies? Who isn't vocal at parties, whilst he is having fun and enjoy the time? And what is so wrong with being a vegetarian and taking care of your surroundings?

That's concerning, especially the latter part of your post: A lot of people feel the struggle to stop, when others tell them so. Has to do something with our pride. Yeah, and sometimes we cross boundaries, we aren't able to see in this very moment, but afterwards. Just as you told us. As long as we apologize and try to change our behavior, everything is alright. Do you think you need to be some kind of super human, without any kind of weak characteristics? That's insane!

I'm sorry, but your OCD completely disaffected you from the reality of things.

Edited August 6, 2021 by discuccsant

[Gary S]

I teased my twins boys mercilessly when they were kids. They are now 18 now and going to university, we go out to the pub together and they now tease me dreadfully. 

You are spending time with your son in the allotment which is brilliant. 

Don't change, don't feel guilty, all he will remember is the time you spent together 

[Ironborn]

18 minutes ago, Gary S said:

I teased my twins boys mercilessly when they were kids. They are now 18 now and going to university, we go out to the pub together and they now tease me dreadfully. 

You are spending time with your son in the allotment which is brilliant. 

Don't change, don't feel guilty, all he will remember is the time you spent together 

I guess its just that i react to heavily when i see him sad or anything. I do try my best, ive taken this piece of land allotment mostly for the purpose to have somehwere i and my son can do stuff together, he absolutely loves it to go there, and we have such a great time together, something so simple and yet fun to do together. 

I have zero knowledge of gardening or growing veggies, but that never was the main goal, more to get my son outside and prefferable something we can do together, the fact that we now are growing veggies and eating some of our own grown food is amazing, and when we eat tose veggies i always tell my wife and his mom that me and my son produced this together and he always gets that proud look on his face when i say such things.. it really melts my heart

[Gary S]

He'll remember it forever. That's the important thing. You'll be talking to him about it over a beer in 20 years time.

You'll not get everything right but don't worry..it'll be all good.