Advice needed please

[MarieJo]

I have suffered ocd for 40 years and have had various obsessions. The main ones have been surrounding the safety and well-being of my loved ones. As a kid it was my parents and brother and now mainly my 3 children. 

I am currently struggling after lockdiwn because my 19 year old is out and about until all hours. Tonight he is due to go to a club until approximately 4am. My usual beviour would be to text him a few times early in the evening but by about 2am spam him with lots of messages ie are you drunk, are you with your friends, how are you getting home etc etc, then I may even ring which he finds embarrassing. I am very lucky that he responds as most kids would rebel.

I won't sleep a wink until he is in. I will get stomach pains, be on the loo, and will get chest pains, might even shake and cry. All due to the anxiety when the fear and thoughts get too much. I know this will happen as it always does. I now dread the weekend.

My question is this, I know the ringing, texting etc are compulsions. I also know it is very unfair on my son which makes me feel incredibly guilty...but what should I aim to do differently this evening? I won't be able not to call him at all but should I aim to delay or reduce the compulsions? Do u think that would help?

I do know I have to get to a place where I stop them completely but I am not there yet by a very long way.

Thank you 

 

[discuccsant]

Reminds me of when I was in my early teens and my mother went to work. I waited for hours desperately, looking out at the window, hoping she will come home safely. I also remember that when someone was ill and coughed in our house, I wasn't able to sleep as long as the coughing didn't stop — and sometimes when it stopped, I went to their rooms, silently checked they were breathing and okay, before I went to sleep as well.

Feel hugged. You're just a concerned mother, who seems to love her kids dearly and by heart. You don't need to feel guilty of that. Not only that, but you're ill. You have OCD. A lot of people would love to have a parent like you are. It's normal to be concerned. But it's not normal to be that much concerned. Glad you identified it by yourself.

As hard as it sounds, but you should really just sleep, no matter what your OCD makes you think could happen if you do so. That actually helped me to go through my phase. At several points, I became so tired (not annoyingly, but sleepy) in waiting for the coughing to stop, that I just fell asleep against my will. And the fear of not being able to help them if something was off, slowly faded away once I woke up and everything turned out to be okay in the afterwards, even though I fell asleep.

You need to change your behavior. And that means, in this case, doing the exact opposite, than what OCD tells you or want you to do. Stop giving in into this compulsion of staying awake or calling him. Go into your bed, open up some relaxing music and simply try to sleep.

Edited August 6, 2021 by discuccsant

[malina]

Hi @MarieJo,

I can relate, my partner went away for the weekend recently and hit some bad traffic on the way home, I kept trying to get in touch and when he didn't respond (you know, because he was driving...) I was totally panicked!

Reducing the compulsions sounds like a good start. I think you can work on your own cognitive processes so that you don't feel so awful. I think there is probably a lot of catastrophising going on, you are imaging the absolute worst case scenario happening. What do you think is going to happen to your son? When you answer that question, think about how realistic that scenario is and possible alternatives that could happen in the evening. I get these mental images, like a film, of the terrible series of events that could happen in my dreaded scenarios. If that is the same for you, maybe you could switch it up and instead create a more realistic, less catastrophic, more positive mental film.

Also, keep in mind, that texting and calling isn't keeping him safe. It's just giving you reassurance, but whether you call or not has no impact on what is happening on his night out. I was thinking about the situation with my partner, I was probably making his drive home less safe by ringing him because it was a distraction from driving.

Most importantly, try to relax and do something for yourself while he's out. Trust yourself and your son, you sound like a lovely and caring mum and you've given him the tools he needs to make sensible decisions and take care of himself.

[Bev53]

Hi MarieJo,

This is something I struggled with with my son, particularly when he was away at uni. 

I agree with discuccsant, that you should just try and sleep, but I know it's hard to give up those compulsions completely.

When my son was home and he was going clubbing I used to ask what time the club closed (I knew he'd be there until the end) then add an hour on to that to allow for getting food (likely) and the taxi home. 

He knew how much I worried and agreed to text me either when he was in the taxi home, or if for any reason he wouldn't be home at the expected time. I still laid awake until he came home but would try and relax and tell myself that he was out having a good time. 

After a few weeks of this I found I could nod off (always seemed to wake every couple of hours until he was home) and then eventually i asked him to only text to let me know if he was likely to be later than the expected time. For example once he couldn't get a taxi and ended up staying with a friend. Even then I wasn't awake when the text arrived, but at least when I woke (usually early hours) I knew why he wasn't in his bed and didn't go into a blind panic.

It sounds like your son is very understanding, maybe if you can't hold out until 4, agree you'll text at say 2, just perhaps with an 'are you having a good time?' , and he can just reply a quick 'yes. X' and you're not interrupting his evening or embarrassing him in front of his friends? 

Not sure if that helps, but it's my suggestion  for a half way house to trying to give up the compulsions completely, which is possibly too difficult at the moment. 

 

[MarieJo]

45 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Reminds me of when I was in my early teens and my mother went to work. I waited for hours desperately, looking out at the window, hoping she will come home safely. I also remember that when someone was ill and coughed in our house, I wasn't able to sleep as long as the coughing didn't stop — and sometimes when it stopped, I went to their rooms, silently checked they were breathing and okay, before I went to sleep as well.

Feel hugged. You're just a concerned mother, who seems to love her kids dearly and by heart. You don't need to feel guilty of that. Not only that, but you're ill. You have OCD. A lot of people would love to have a parent like you are. It's normal to be concerned. But it's not normal to be that much concerned. Glad you identified it by yourself.

As hard as it sounds, but you should really just sleep, no matter what your OCD makes you think could happen if you do so. That actually helped me to go through my phase. At several points, I became so tired (not annoyingly, but sleepy) in waiting for the coughing to stop, that I just fell asleep against my will. And the fear of not being able to help them if something was off, slowly faded away once I woke up and everything turned out to be okay in the afterwards, even though I fell asleep.

You need to change your behavior. And that means, in this case, doing the exact opposite, than what OCD tells you or want you to do. Stop giving in into this compulsion of staying awake or calling him. Go into your bed, open up some relaxing music and simply try to sleep.

Thank you for the kind words and empathy.

You have some understanding of it from your childhood, I am sure you remember how scared you feel. I did the same. I looked out of my window for my mum and dad. I was often very distressed if they were late but I hid it very well. To this day my parents do not know the extent of how I suffered and still do. Much of my problems come from them both. My mum has extreme health anxiety which she never addressed but just passed on to me and my parents argued so much and still do that caused me lots of pain as a kid.

I will try to sleep this evening but I doubt I will get more than 10 minutes here and there and when I wake from the short naps my heart is usually beating frantically like I have switched off from the danger and I feel even worse. I will try though xx

[MarieJo]

35 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi @MarieJo,

I can relate, my partner went away for the weekend recently and hit some bad traffic on the way home, I kept trying to get in touch and when he didn't respond (you know, because he was driving...) I was totally panicked!

Reducing the compulsions sounds like a good start. I think you can work on your own cognitive processes so that you don't feel so awful. I think there is probably a lot of catastrophising going on, you are imaging the absolute worst case scenario happening. What do you think is going to happen to your son? When you answer that question, think about how realistic that scenario is and possible alternatives that could happen in the evening. I get these mental images, like a film, of the terrible series of events that could happen in my dreaded scenarios. If that is the same for you, maybe you could switch it up and instead create a more realistic, less catastrophic, more positive mental film.

Also, keep in mind, that texting and calling isn't keeping him safe. It's just giving you reassurance, but whether you call or not has no impact on what is happening on his night out. I was thinking about the situation with my partner, I was probably making his drive home less safe by ringing him because it was a distraction from driving.

Most importantly, try to relax and do something for yourself while he's out. Trust yourself and your son, you sound like a lovely and caring mum and you've given him the tools he needs to make sensible decisions and take care of himself.

Thank you Malina.

You make some very valid points, my texts are not keeping him safe just reassuring me for a bit until the feelings and fears start again and I am back to square one and then text again.

You ask what I fear. Mainly him getting beaten up or him being stabbed. Also to his drinking getting spiked or him going missing and not returning. I have anxiety around my 17 year old daughter but not as much. I think it's because girls tend to stick together more.

 

 

[MarieJo]

7 minutes ago, Bev53 said:

Hi MarieJo,

This is something I struggled with with my son, particularly when he was away at uni. 

I agree with discuccsant, that you should just try and sleep, but I know it's hard to give up those compulsions completely.

When my son was home and he was going clubbing I used to ask what time the club closed (I knew he'd be there until the end) then add an hour on to that to allow for getting food (likely) and the taxi home. 

He knew how much I worried and agreed to text me either when he was in the taxi home, or if for any reason he wouldn't be home at the expected time. I still laid awake until he came home but would try and relax and tell myself that he was out having a good time. 

After a few weeks of this I found I could nod off (always seemed to wake every couple of hours until he was home) and then eventually i asked him to only text to let me know if he was likely to be later than the expected time. For example once he couldn't get a taxi and ended up staying with a friend. Even then I wasn't awake when the text arrived, but at least when I woke (usually early hours) I knew why he wasn't in his bed and didn't go into a blind panic.

It sounds like your son is very understanding, maybe if you can't hold out until 4, agree you'll text at say 2, just perhaps with an 'are you having a good time?' , and he can just reply a quick 'yes. X' and you're not interrupting his evening or embarrassing him in front of his friends? 

Not sure if that helps, but it's my suggestion  for a half way house to trying to give up the compulsions completely, which is possibly too difficult at the moment. 

 

Thank you for your suggestions and sharing your experiences. I will definitely try to reduce the texting. Deep down I know the more I contact him the worse I get as if he doesn't answer within 10 minutes my anxiety escalates. I know in a loud club this is unreasonable but it doesn't stop me from catastrophising. I wish I could change my behaviour and feel better as this is no fun and as mother of 3 I have years ahead of it unless I can get a grip x

[malina]

17 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

You ask what I fear. Mainly him getting beaten up or him being stabbed. Also to his drinking getting spiked or him going missing and not returning. I have anxiety around my 17 year old daughter but not as much.

Ok so can you try to reframe these fears into something more realistic? Like when you get a mental image of your son getting stabbed or getting his drink spiked, can you think of an alternative scenario where things are not so catastrophic? For example, his drink gets spiked so he might stumble around in a crowded place, people realise something is wrong and get help. I totally get where you're coming from, but these worst outcome scenarios are really not that likely.

I'm not sure if my specific suggestions are particularly useful, but I do think that you're only focusing on one aspect of it, reducing compulsions (not texting etc), but you're not giving consideration to the cognitive parts of it and I think you have to address those too.

[MarieJo]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Ok so can you try to reframe these fears into something more realistic? Like when you get a mental image of your son getting stabbed or getting his drink spiked, can you think of an alternative scenario where things are not so catastrophic? For example, his drink gets spiked so he might stumble around in a crowded place, people realise something is wrong and get help. I totally get where you're coming from, but these worst outcome scenarios are really not that likely.

I'm not sure if my specific suggestions are particularly useful, but I do think that you're only focusing on one aspect of it, reducing compulsions (not texting etc), but you're not giving consideration to the cognitive parts of it and I think you have to address those too.

I get what you're saying Malina. It makes sense. I always see in these forums the advice of stopping the compulsions so I kind of homed in on that aspect but really it's just as much what I am imagining and thinking about that is the problem. The images and fears are the obsessions, these thoughts ultimately create the fear, i am doing this to myself but am stuck and don't know how to stop. I have got to work on them though wnd my cognitive behaviour and wellbeing and not just reduce my compulsions. I hope it improves as it makes me really unhappy. I seem to always be dreading something or other and it's no way to live x

[malina]

How did last night go, @MarieJo???

[MarieJo]

6 hours ago, malina said:

How did last night go, @MarieJo???

Thank you soooooo much for asking and thinking about me Malina.

Unfortunately not great. However, my husband was out too and his phone died and he didn't get in until 4.15 when I was expecting him in about 1am.

I still contacted my son quite a lot, had diarrhoea, chest pains and cried. I did try to do as you suggested and imagine a more realistic scenario and it did help. 

I did realise one thing last night and that is my husband contributes to my anxiety and certainly does not help me. That's another issue though.

I didn't get to sleep until 5am so am fit for nothing today. Pretty rubbish xx

[malina]

On 07/08/2021 at 20:36, MarieJo said:

Thank you soooooo much for asking and thinking about me Malina.

Unfortunately not great. However, my husband was out too and his phone died and he didn't get in until 4.15 when I was expecting him in about 1am.

I still contacted my son quite a lot, had diarrhoea, chest pains and cried. I did try to do as you suggested and imagine a more realistic scenario and it did help. 

I did realise one thing last night and that is my husband contributes to my anxiety and certainly does not help me. That's another issue though.

I didn't get to sleep until 5am so am fit for nothing today. Pretty rubbish xx

That sounds really hard! I hope you're feeling a bit better about all of it now. I do think anyone would be worried if their partner came back really late and they weren't even able to call.

Are you getting any therapy right now? I think the idea of reducing compulsions, i.e calling/texting your son, is a really great start, but I think you also need to change how you think about all of this so that you're not under so much stress when he is out.

[MarieJo]

4 hours ago, malina said:

That sounds really hard! I hope you're feeling a bit better about all of it now. I do think anyone would be worried if their partner came back really late and they weren't even able to call.

Are you getting any therapy right now? I think the idea of reducing compulsions, i.e calling/texting your son, is a really great start, but I think you also need to change how you think about all of this so that you're not under so much stress when he is out.

Yes you're completely right. I do need to stop imagining all these terrible things happening every time mynson goes out as it's causing so much misery.

No I am not in therapy ATM. I was when the first lockdown hit but my therapist said there was not much point continuing online as my kids were home all the time so it wasn't an ideal setting. I could not do my homework properly as they were always at home. Now the waiting list is extremely long.

I did start taking setraline too but didn't feel any different. I think my brain has been wired like this for over 4 decades so it's really hard retraining it. I hope it's possible though.

[malina]

6 hours ago, MarieJo said:

Yes you're completely right. I do need to stop imagining all these terrible things happening every time mynson goes out as it's causing so much misery.

No I am not in therapy ATM. I was when the first lockdown hit but my therapist said there was not much point continuing online as my kids were home all the time so it wasn't an ideal setting. I could not do my homework properly as they were always at home. Now the waiting list is extremely long.

I did start taking setraline too but didn't feel any different. I think my brain has been wired like this for over 4 decades so it's really hard retraining it. I hope it's possible though.

I would like to believe it is possible, I mean I've been living with this for some 30 years too, some of my earliest memories are about intrusive thoughts. It may be something we live with but that doesn't mean we can't learn to manage it. Maybe getting started with CBT again would be a good choice, have you considered going private? I know that waiting lists are incredibly long now, for everything.

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, malina said:

I think my brain has been wired like this for over 4 decades so it's really hard retraining it. I hope it's possible though.

Definitely possible.

1 hour ago, malina said:

It may be something we live with but that doesn't mean we can't learn to manage it.

'Manage it' suggests continuing to live with it, just coping better. I think the goal has to be overcome it. Which is not only possible, but probably easier in the long run than committing to another 30,40 or more years of 'managing' your OCD.

Pedantics, I know. But I think it's important to have the right goal in mind. You can't win an Olympic medal if you start out aiming to come 4th.

[Nikki79]

I love this Snowbear. This is what we must aim for to overcome not manage. I feel I need to aim for this too. 

[MarieJo]

I hope I can get better Snowbear. Did you fully recover and how did you achieve that if you did? I love how optimistic your post is.

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, MarieJo said:

Did you fully recover and how did you achieve that if you did?

I am still on the recovery journey. There's been a lot of fallout from 50 plus years of OCD and I have that to address before I can fully recover, but I'm getting there steadily, bit by bit.

How to achieve it?

For everybody: Understand how OCD works. Determination not to engage with the thoughts and OCD thinking in general. Know the kind of things that trip you up. Be prepared to face them head on and stop them in their tracks before OCD even starts. Recognise when you're using judgemental, black and white, or catastrophic thinking and rein it in. Be kind to yourself. Practise open-minded and acceptance thinking.

In addition for me: There's still some cognitive work to do on unconditional forgiveness and acceptance of the trauma and abuse in my past, so I also use positive psychology, mindfulness and metta meditation (sending out vibes of forgiveness, kindness and love to the world.) That last one may sound a bit corny! But in reality it's about becoming kind and forgiving towards yourself and then you're able to extend the good vibes out to the whole world as a result of achieving your own inner peace.