Reality confirms fears

[MarieJo]

For any of you that have read my posts my main obsession is the safety of my 19 year old son when he goes out, mostly clubbing and to pubs. I have taken on board the helpful comments and tried to address my cognitive pattern and my warped reasoning. Then today I read that 2 boys of a similar age were stabbed a few weekends ago outside our local club, where he goes often, the place had only be re open a month...now back to square one. This is the problem I have. My obsession feels very very relevant and very credible therefore I cannot seem to combat it with reasoning. So depressing

Edited August 16, 2021 by MarieJo

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi MarieJo,

I'm sorry to hear that two young men were recently stabbed outside of a local club that your son attends, that must have been difficult to learn about and will have definitely bought into your fears. I think it would be difficult to challenge this with reasoning, as you feel the risk is high due to recent events. The focus for CBT is really on what you do in response to your worries, and to look into whether or not these responses are making you feel worse or better. 

For example, if you were to research into attacks on young men in the area, that may increase your worry rather than make you feel better, it also wouldn't make the area you live in safer or more dangerous. In fact the only effect it will have is to make OCD worse. So I would suggest looking into what you do rather than simply your thinking about this problem. Have you looked into accessing CBT?

Gemma

 

[Bev53]

Hi MarieJo,

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. Only 18 months or so ago I could have written a similar post. 

4 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

The focus for CBT is really on what you do in response to your worries, and to look into whether or not these responses are making you feel worse or better.

Some cognitive work I did in therapy was (I think) cost benefit analysis.

This helped me realise that worrying over my son's safety did not help to keep him safe,

4 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

it also wouldn't make the area you live in safer or more dangerous.

and was infact detrimental to my health and his wellbeing, causing him to feel guilt (and probably frustration) over my feelings. There was no benefit at all to my endless sleepless nights and distress.

I have learned to let go of the things I can't control.

It sounds such an obvious and simple thing but I know it isn't easy to do.

It is so difficult 'letting go' and relinquishing our children's safety to themselves, but all we can do is trust them. 

My son likes to party, and is a bit of an adrenaline junkie with a love of extreme sports. Of course I still worry, but I now have more control, I dont' give the 'what if's a chance and I stop the ruminating in its tracks.  He is living his best life, and I would rather that, than he not do any of these things. That's what I choose to think about, him having a good time, enjoying life.  

Having been there, please believe me, you can get past this, perhaps it would be worth giving therapy another try? 

[MarieJo]

Thank you both for your replies.

Be, it's really helpful and encouraging to hear from someone with similar experiences as me and I am hopeful I can improve like you have. I am so pleased you have come to terms with your fear.

There is so much truth and sense in what you have both said. I just struggle so much with this. I have overcome many ocd themes but the fear of harm coming to my children, especially my eldest for some reason, has proven the hardest to overcome. I live in hope.