Intrusive thoughts whilst Angry

[8thstar]

Hi everyone  

So recently I’ve been getting angry a lot (which is terrifying to me because I’ve never experienced anger before) and when I’m angry it feels like the intrusive harm thoughts I get are realistic because I feel sooo mad and it’s almost like I have real urges and hatred and horrifically it’s directed towards my cat?? Every single thing he does I feel extremely anxious and rage building and it feels like I’ll lose control and snap, I haven’t yet and I’d honestly rather die than ever hurt an animal. I’m petrified of myself, my thoughts and the angry feelings in my body. It is the only thing damaging my ability to get better at the moment, before this anger I was managing nearly going a week without compulsions which was massive for me! I felt incredible. I’m not sure what’s going on, does anyone have any advice? I’m hoping I have a mood problem or hormone imbalance combined with intrusive thoughts and I’m not just becoming evil. It makes no sense nothing else triggers this except my cat. It doesn’t happen with my dog unless he actually does something naughty but at least then I have a reason to be angry. When my cat follows me and rubs up to me it’s like I turn into the hulk inside my body and I have to get away, I feel absolutely evil  I’m filling some forms in to get some therapy I’m just debating whether I also have to sign up for anger management as well as ocd or if they are linked? It’s incredibly hard to see what is the ocd and what’s a separate issue where I’m a risk to my pet. I can deal well with intrusive thoughts of harm when I’m not angry, for example if I’m sitting with my cat and got a thought of harm I could easily brush it, hence how I got very good at dealing with compulsions and my anxiety for a while, but the anger is another issue entirely *sigh* I also can’t work out what is causing my anger as I’ve always had depression and fatigue and low iron levels etc and I wasn’t angry ever in my life until lately (I’m 25 now). I’ve noticed it’s when I’m tired and don’t want to deal with anything but surely being frustrated with a cat being a cat is pretty damn evil. Idk anymore. It also feels like I genuinely hate him now, but maybe that’s bc I associate him to the source of my suffering, anger and fear. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by 8thstar

[discuccsant]

Hi,

I'm glad you made a little of recovery so far. 

And as always, as I said a thousand times before to others: 

If random, spontaneous thoughts cause you distress, they are intrusive (egodystonic) thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are nevertheless YOUR thoughts. That's why they sometimes feel very real at the moment. Yet you said you brushed them off before, e.g. it seems like you reacted to them by "denying them", instead of ignoring them and not engaging with them at all. The problem is, the more you engage with them in the form of compulsions, the more frequently they come and stronger they feel. That's why the best is to not brush them off or to be more precise: Not attaching any emotional meaning to them. Yes, it's okay to recognize them with your rational side as intrusive thoughts, but you should really try to avoid reacting to them with any kind of emotion. I've read, somewhere, that OCD is also a "feeling problem". OCD is always about the negative emotional attachment to those random thoughts. It's because people with OCD tend heavily to catastrophize them, once they pop out, instead of ignoring them. We take those thoughts way too personally. 

I can imagine very good, that given that if someone is already in a bad mood, that our intrusive thoughts may feel more real or stronger. Like in your case. If I suffered from intrusive thoughts regarding contamination and someone stinky and dirty comes into my house, it would be pretty normal, that my intrusive thoughts would feel way stronger or more authentic.

So yeah, it could be the case, that your mood right now is not at the top of its place, but it nevertheless doesn't change the fact, that intrusive thoughts are intrusive. As long as you don't accept the contents of the thoughts, when you snap out of them, and as long as the content cause you distress, I can't see how they are not intrusive. Distress != Desire. If in your general mood you would really like and desire being a monster to your cat, not just for the very short time period in which your intrusive thought pops out, and you dwell in for one to three seconds, only then I would say you should feel worried about yourself. 

But no evil person would try to get help regarding thoughts like these, by going to an OCD forum, applying for therapy and search for help, because they might fear, that they would want to cause harm to their pets. This doesn't make any sense. I've also seen you always use words like "almost", "not sure", "hoping" and so on. They have to be egodystonic to you, if you can't even identify with them. Take me: I hate mosquitoes and whenever I see them, I want to kill them. I'm not doubting my hate here, and I'm not doubting, that I would kill these little monsters, that cause diseases like Malaria. I actually feel good by doing so, as I may prevent others getting sick due to their bite. It's something I can safely assume about myself. Seems like I'm pretty racist against them, haha. And now let's pretend it's socially unacceptable to kill them. I would still hate them. I would still want to kill them. Likewise, I would simply know it and not doubting myself here, as this is simply a fact, that holds truth for me. I would be not concerned about killing them, but more about the legal consequences. My concern would not be about the actual act, but about the consequences. 

If you would really like to harm your cat, you wouldn't feel bad for having thoughts like these, but you would feel bad, that you may have to fear legal consequences for that. It's something super simple to understand, yet our OCD infected brains became way too stupid to differentiate between true desire and randomly popping out intrusive thoughts. I hopefully shared some lights here. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by discuccsant

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi 8thstar,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. I have experienced feelings of anger and had harm thoughts during that time, and I understand how distressing that is. It really can feel like you are more of a danger, but that doesn't mean that you are. Usually my anger came about when I was triggered, do you think that your cat might be doing something that triggers you? Is he going places in your home that you don't like, or is he coming over when you're doing a compulsion or thinking about something?

Gemma