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Can someone please help me? I'm struggling on whether this was a checking compulsion or I have taken some "next step" to doing something??


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So I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts and I'm scared I'm going to harm my brother. I honestly love him more than anything and would never do anything. We've been closer than ever before and before all this I was the happiest I've ever been. Basically I'm scared I'm gonna do something to him. I've had only thoughts about "what if I harm him / Kill him" etc. Anyway, we've been building some furniture recently and once I felt a compulsion to hold the hammer to see if I would get an urge to do something but I never caved in and did anything. So yesterday I'm having quite a bad day and just wanted to be done with this OCD BS in general ad I feel it's ruining my life. So we're outside and we're are building something. He passes me the hammer and whilst I didn't freeze, I just put it down rather quickly. Then I thought "you know what I'm done being scared of this" and held it again to basically see if I would get the urge. It was partly to see if I would get the urge partly because i felt it was also avoidant of me to just put the hammer down quickly when I wouldn't normally do that and partly because I was so annoyed at this point with my thoughts that I wanted the nagging in my mind to just be over. It was quite an impulsive thing. I got quite anxious when I held it and I saw my brother with his head down towards me and I thought "what if I do it???".  I didn't get any urges, just a general anxiety. I put it down and carried on.

Now I'm freaking out that I've taken some "next step" by acting on this compulsion to check. Previously it was all just in my mind and now I feel like I've done some horrible thing because I acted on something and made a movement to DO something, even if it was just to check a compulsion.

Im also reading imp of the mind and in chapter 3 he mentions a guy who he kinda suspected would act on his thoughts, one of the reasons being he pointed an rifle at his parents to show that he wouldn't do it. When I read that I freaked out. He mentions that the main reason he felt this person may do something was because he was angry and didn't show remorse (whereas I'm freaking out and feeling really guilty).

Have I done something wrong? I know logically it was just a compulsion to check if I would get the urge but I feel like I've just taken some next step to actually doing something. I feel really disgusted with myself.

Can anyone offer any advice? Is this normal?

Edited by Macckles
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13 hours ago, Macckles said:

Now I'm freaking out that I've taken some "next step" by acting on this compulsion to check.

At the risk of offering reassurance, try not to worry Macckles, this isnt the next step to anything :)     Picking a hammer up doesnt mean anything.  So for example, I was on a tube platform recently and there was this annoying guy nearby pushing in and being a bit obnoxious and I thought I could push him in front of the tube and I took a step closer to him... that act didnt mean I did or would act on that thought, it was just a thought.   

The step I took, the picking of the hammer up doesnt mean anything because we didnt act on it, and that is the important part.... it's ok to have intrusive thoughts, it doesnt mean we will act on it, as both our actions proved! 

I hope that helps.    Ashley :)

 

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1 hour ago, Ashley said:

 I hope that helps.    Ashley :)

 

It certainly does, thank you Ashley. 

Im feeling a lot of shame and guilt about the whole thing as you can imagine. Despite there being a crazy mix of not wanting to avoid handling things anymore, wanting to shut up this nagging voice and just general frustration at my intrusive thoughts, I still feel like I have done something wrong. 

I guess time and some therapy will help heal that. 

 

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