Want to live harmoniously

[Fran]

Hello, I'm not sure where to start really…

I’ve been with my partner for 3 and a half years, we’ve lived together for the majority of this. I never noticed his obsessive and anxious behaviour until about a year into living together (he was living at my flat). He said it was because he was unhappy living where we were and unhappy in his job. We have now moved to a house we own together and it feels like nothing has changed, although I know things can take time. I’m extremely sensitive and often get emotional at even the small things. For example we have a coat rack, and he said he couldn’t handle my coats being there and got quite angry about it. But it’s a coat rack… designed for coats and I have nowhere else to put them easily. I’m often upset as I am finding it difficult to live properly in my own house. It’s like treading on eggshells. He gets frustrated and angry if I sit on the sofa or move the cushions. I can’t relax at all. I’m met with frustration and anger if I do things my way and I hate conflict so I’m not sure what to do so we can live in peace and be happy. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you 

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Fran,

Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult to live with your partner at the moment. Does your partner have OCD? It's possible that his problem with coats hanging up or moving cushions is due to some sort of worry or 'just right' feeling, which is when it may be OCD or it may be something else. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?

Gemma

[Fran]

Thank you Gemma. It can be very difficult. Yes he has OCD. Unfortunately we have a talk about it whenever it gets worse and he doesn’t ever want to speak about it or get more help, I don’t want to push. He accepts that it’s affecting him, and us. I’m sometimes just at a point where I’m not sure what will help either of us. I’d like to help him cope and so we can be a team.

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Fran,

It's great that you want to be a team and if you do speak to him about how you're feeling then I think that's a great way to approach it. Has your partner ever had treatment for OCD, which would typically be Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with or without SSRI medication? If he doesn't feel ready to access treatment, do you think he would look into self-help material so you can make a start together?

Gemma

[Fran]

Hi Gemma,

Thanks for your reply. I absolutely want to work it out together. I don’t think we speak about it enough in my opinion. We tend to move things back and forth around the house without talking about it. I’m trying to live in a way that’s practical and relaxed and trying to stop myself from joining in with his compulsions, like straightening things up and making them symmetrical or checking rooms over and over and wiping light switches/handles. I’m stuck because I don’t want it to seem like I want everything my way, but I also don’t want to encourage or join in by doing it his way, does that make sense? 
I’ve suggested talking therapy a couple of times before but he is never open to trying it - I really think it would help the both of us but I want him to realise that rather than me pressurising. 
He has said before he’s done some of his own self help reading which has helped come up with some ideas to cope but that hasn’t stuck. Is there a good way to approach this? 
I’m personally feeling quite unhappy in this situation and wonder if it’s normal to seek help myself about it too? It gets me down daily. The relationship is hard but not something I’m willing to give up on.

 

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Fran,

It doesn't sound like you want everything your own way, you just don't want to live in an environment that's controlled by anxiety, which is natural. It sounds like you also want that for your partner too, which is a great place to be. It can be really helpful to have a partner who wants to understand and support you through the process of tackling OCD, particularly when you often involve your partner in some of your rituals. 

A good place to start might be to look into a self-help book like Break Free from OCD. It's written by specialists in the treatment of OCD and is a great way to learn what OCD is and how to challenge it using CBT techniques. It might be a good way to begin considering therapy as a solution for your partner's OCD together, and help begin the conversation with him. We do have presentations on helping a loved one with OCD that you might find helpful too; Helping a loved one with OCD https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/helping-family-member-with-ocd/ by Lauren Callaghan and Understanding why people with OCD do what they do, and why other people get involved https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/main/understanding-why-people-with-ocd-do-what-they-do/ by Mark Freeston.

It's absolutely important that you feel able to reach out for help and support should you need it, so please do so. Talk to friends or family about how you're feeling, go for a ten minute walk out of the house, anything that maintains a healthy mental wellbeing for you.

Gemma

[Dakagraphics-David]

Hi there... A good book that, By David Veale, and Rob Willson.  Another good book that has helped me is 'How to stop worrying, and start living', by Dale Carnegie, which is actually available free of charge on You tube as an audiobook.  I often wonder how on earth my partner coped with me when I was at my worst... It sure isn't easy, this OCD Journey... I used to beleive I contaminated the world... Everything I touched, stood on, sneezed on... It was bad enough for me, but I guess it is equally difficult for those who are forced to stand and watch, so to speak...

David

[Dakagraphics-David]

even breathing, and contaminating the air for others to breathe...

David