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Shut out by boyfriend with OCD


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I have known about my girlfriends ocd since day 1 - and knew it was fairly severe - she has intrusive thoughts about harming others which is triggered when she sees certain objects and is tired or irritated. On top of this she has insomnia and her sleeping patterns have slipped back to going to bed as late as 8am; and waking up at 5pm. I could manage this but we recently went on holidays with their parents (she’s never met mine) and I started to be pushed away as the OCD became worst.

Including comments about our relationship being too intense (although intensity was driven by her) etc. On the holiday she was getting minimal sleep as we had day time activities etc and she was asking me to check the property at night to ease compulsions. I knew it was the worst the ocd had ever been and when we got home she said she wanted space from me as the condition was too much and they were struggling to deal with it + the pressure of a relationship. 
 

ive suggested ending it three times in the last 2.5 weeks since getting back, and we aren’t speaking bar those conversations but she insists she wants space. 
 

as her partner what should I do in this situation? I don’t want to walk away but equally I don’t know if I’m the right thing for her st the moment and as such will end up giving space for a long time and she may never come back to me?

 

is it normal for the partner to be pushed away? I know at one stage the harmful thoughts about me became out of control and she struggled to rationalise that she wouldn’t do or hadn’t done the things she was thinking about. 
 

also to flag her parents and brother spoke to me about the ocd on holiday and said it was really bad, the worst it had been and that they had also had periods of being shut out..:

 

Any advice welcome. I just want her to get better!

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Hi Louis123, 

I can understand how difficult it can be dealing with someone who has OCD. OCD is a very debilitating disorder and can affect the sufferer from thinking clearly. If she is having harmful thoughts about then this suggests that she is trying to avoid you. She possibly wants space because she does not want to harm you. Unfortunately, this will only make her OCD worse. 

Is she taking any medication? or is she seeking any therapy for her OCD? ERP and CBT are excellent for individuals with OCD.

Bismah 

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hi guys 

is it normal as the loved one to be shut out when a partners ocd gets severely bad? It’s early days for us but My partner has always spoken to me about their ocd. It hit point critical on a holiday when they would wake me up to check things at night with them. After that holiday I’ve been pretty much cut out to give them space. 
 

Any advice from other loved ones on how best to approach this as it has been three 2 weeks of space since the holiday.

 

thanks!

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Hi Louis,

It's really hard that you haven't seen your girlfriend since your holiday, it can be hard maintaining a relationship when OCD gets in the way so much.  Obviously, if your partner needs space then you need to give them that, but then it really is your choice what you do moving forward. When she gets in contact you could begin by encouraging her to access good quality CBT that gets her able to live life free from OCD. If the therapy she is having on the NHS isn't working then she can ask to see a different therapist within the same service. We know that sometimes people will see two or three therapists before they find one with the right approach or expertise to really help them. She might also want to seek a medication review with her prescribing doctor.

You could also agree to read a self-help book like OCD, Anxiety and Related Depression https://www.ocduk.org/shop/ocd-anxiety-related-depression/ together. It is written by Adam Shaw a sufferer and his therapist Lauren Callaghan. Adam struggled with OCD around thoughts of harm for some time and Lauren helped him to recovery. It also includes a little section by Adam's wife that you may be able to relate to. 

Gemma

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