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I am back again. Worried about a night out 6 years ago where I think I cheated. I don't want to go into detail as can't face it right now. Around three years ago I obsessed over it for around a year and a half constantly and it made me very, very ill. I've just caught covid and it has started again.

I'm wondering if this is normal behaviour and anyone would feel guilty and not be able to let it go? I'm not convinced it's ocd as it seems like something most would worry about. I've been to counselling for this and it's still haunting me.

Today I think I am going to speak to my partner as it feels like the only thing I can do now. 

 

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I feel like I'm living it all again every time I think about it. I make my own skin crawl and I'm a disgusting person, no better than these murderers and criminals. There is nobody for me to talk to so have nowhere else to turn. Honestly on my last nerve with this and don't know how much longer I can continue. 

Why should my partner have to be with someone like me when there are so much better out there?

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Hi Headwreck, I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare.

It sounds as though you are doing a lot of ruminating on this subject but is there any actual proof that you cheated or do you just fear that you have?

Symps

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I can't remember the whole night but I know I wanted to cheat because at the time I was obsessed with the fact that I thought my partner had cheated and had been obsessed by that for around 2 or so years. I don't know if I have memories of doing it or if I've forgotten doing it. Initially I didn't think I had done anything and when I first admitted to this I didn't think I had but as time has gone on I now think I must have done something. This happened six years ago and I was obsessive over it until around three years ago and since getting covid have started obsessing again. 

 

I've tried to talk to my partner again today but he stormed away when he saw I was upset and I hadn't said anything. I feel so alone and disgusting. 

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It doesn't seem like there is any actual evidence that you have cheated, just the fear that you may have.

If you did a theory A and theory B on this, where you compared the 'evidence' that you have cheated against the 'evidence' that this is fear caused by your OCD. Which do you believe is the more likely of the two theory's?

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But is memory not evidence? It has developed to different things, some point I thought something sexual happened and now I think I may have kissed this person. Sometimes I think it happened in one place then another.

When I was in therapy I said I'd feel at peace if it was a kiss because I thought it was sexual. And now I feel it was a kiss so now I feel like I did when I thought it was sexual. 

I remember the next day and felt guilt but don't think I thought anything had happened but maybe I forgot or didn't consider it? 

I've been to therapy before about this so I don't know what more I can do. 

 

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That sounds 100% like OCD. You basically created memories by constantly re-thinking about this. I'm pretty sure you at one point began trying to figure out if something happened, by making up a scenario in your head. By re-living the events, imagining what-if scenarios and so on. And you created images by doing so, obviously. And through that, I think you somehow developed a feeling of familiarity to an event like this. And there is one, of course. But it's not a real event, but the made up scenario from your head some time ago, when you ruminated. And that's where this feeling of familiarity basically comes from. So you basically always live by the horror of those vivid memories, by the very own images you created in your head. Your memories refer to the made-up images, without you realizing this.

I was in your shoes. I know exactly how this feels. There are always these moments of vivid memories, which are so super familiar and that's basically something, you can't explain to yourself. And we therefore question our real memories: If nothing happened, why do I feel this familiarity with the worst-case scenario? Well, it's basically because, like I explained above.

I think there is a very good indicator to know whether something is true or not, in regard to your memories:

First, it's pretty obvious that such an event wouldn't be something one would easily forget. Our brains are conditioned to remember important events. I highly doubt your brain would mark this as something insignificant and not creating any long-term memories out of it. I'm pretty sure you can remember some exams from schools, which were important for you at that time. And I highly doubt, that cheating is not more important for your life, then an exam would be.

Secondly, given that. Real memories more or less never feel vivid. You either have forgotten them or they didn't have any real relevance at this time of your life, or they happened in your childhood days. But forgetting important stuff after reaching puberty is basically something I very highly doubt. When we remember real events, we are 100% sure they happened. Nobody would question if he married or not. Nobody would forget his first kiss. We simply know it happened and how it happened. Maybe we don't know all the details, but I'm pretty sure we would nevertheless know it happened. So there is NO doubt about it.

And re-watching your incidents.

To me it's like, as if the only reason you felt compelled to re-think about this, is because you had the initial intention to cheat. Yes. You wanted to cheat. And now your OCD comes into play, like @Symps07 explained correctly. Your very fear that something may have happened is because, your OCD latched onto your intention back then. And from there, your OCD first let you — I assume so at least — feel guilty, that you had the intention at all. And after forgiving yourself for it, your OCD tried to convince you by forcing you to ruminate over it, that you really did something out of this intention. And then comes the what-if scenarios, the images you created with your own imagination and therefore the vivid feeling of familiarity.

That's how it happened to me. That's how it happens to every other one with OCD.

Welcome to the club.

Now you need to realize this mechanism behind false memories and then tackle OCD on its very core, instead of focusing on supposed incidents. You need to understand OCD from a meta point of view:

OCD is like a guy with a stick, who pokes you here and then. And people with OCD mostly try to scratch at the point, where OCD poked you and created an itchy skin. Yes. You can scratch there to feel a short-lived feeling of relieve. That's true. You may feel that you can continue for the rest of the day. Yeah, also true. But the guy will come back and poke you at somewhere else. And now this: By scratching those itchy positions, the irritations will at some point get back at the very exact position. It will even feel more itchy. And at some point you will feel irritations everywhere, as you constantly scratched everywhere, where the guy poked at you. And now good luck in constantly re-scratching everywhere you got poked + handling new pokes. A never-ending hell. Never.

But there is way out of it: If you hadn't responded the first time, there might have been an irritation for some period of time, but it would have gotten away by itself.  So first, stop responding. And then, you could try to get rid of the guy himself. Stop focusing on the pokes, start focusing on this douchebag, who constantly harasses you. Don't give the guy the chance to poke at you at all. Get rid of him.

OCD is basically this guy. Those pokes on your skin are all of those intrusive thoughts. Scratching those itchy places, is rumination, which in the long-term effect will just create an irritation there. And those irritations, are basically the intrusive thoughts, you already tried to handle, but which nevertheless will come back at you. Again and again, so that you'll need to handle ten different thoughts, instead of just one. You need to stop the cycle of constantly doing compulsions or responding to the intrusive thoughts at all. Don't listen, and OCD will continue to haunt you forever. There is no way out of it, as long your reaction doesn't change.

It will find another incident. Maybe from the past or present. It may also happen in the future: Maybe you will, at some point in the future, have a good time and then be semi flirty with a co-worker. Now OCD will take this, convincing you, that you're in fact  a betraying and cheating spouse to your partner, because of the way you talked with this co-worker and that the vivid memory must be true. What a stupid connection, but okay. That's how OCD argues with us. Maybe you happened to felt aroused at some point by some cheating stories. OCD will take that, question your integrity as a spouse and use this as an evidence once again, that deep down you actually desire to cheat. Which means, that the incident is true. Maybe you kissed someone else in your teenage years, when you had your first boyfriend. OCD will take that and throw this at you: Look! Once a cheater, always a cheater!

This will be never-ending horror. OCD will continuously, as long as you give it the power to do so, try everything to destroy you. But only, if you do compulsions. Stop doing compulsions and OCD is basically like a little rat, pretending to be the devil himself. It's just a matter of how you react to OCD.

Edited by discuccsant
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11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I am back again. Worried about a night out 6 years ago where I think I cheated. I don't want to go into detail as can't face it right now. Around three years ago I obsessed over it for around a year and a half constantly and it made me very, very ill. I've just caught covid and it has started again.

I'm wondering if this is normal behaviour and anyone would feel guilty and not be able to let it go? I'm not convinced it's ocd as it seems like something most would worry about. I've been to counselling for this and it's still haunting me.

Today I think I am going to speak to my partner as it feels like the only thing I can do now. 

 

No, no, no.

Your fallback compulsions are always to talk to your partner and to us here. You confess, seek reassurance and go to great lengths to explain why you don't think it's OCD, why you are a bad person, etc.

Break the routine! You know compulsions only leadvto more misery so stay away from them.

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8 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I can't remember the whole night but I know I wanted to cheat because at the time I was obsessed with the fact that I thought my partner had cheated and had been obsessed by that for around 2 or so years. I don't know if I have memories of doing it or if I've forgotten doing it. Initially I didn't think I had done anything and when I first admitted to this I didn't think I had but as time has gone on I now think I must have done something. This happened six years ago and I was obsessive over it until around three years ago and since getting covid have started obsessing again. 

 

I've tried to talk to my partner again today but he stormed away when he saw I was upset and I hadn't said anything. I feel so alone and disgusting. 

He doesn't want to hear it. He's heard it a hundred times. He's had enough. Why haven't you?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for the replies. 

I'm trying not to engage but this seems to hit me a lot more when I'm anxious, like I am now. And even when I'm not, it's still lingering in the background. 

Because of how I am (anxiety/OCD), I don't know if this is what a normal person would do and if a normal person would continue to think about it forever. The only thing that makes me think it might be OCD is the fact that I did not think I had done this before this all started. I guess that is irrelevant. Yes I've had enough but I feel my partner has a right to know the truth. 

Just really struggling and there never seems to be an end to this, even after all this time. Sorry. 

 

Edited by Headwreck
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Our lives are made up of literally millions and millions of thoughts and experiences...  all people are like this... How is it possible  that one event, that may or may never have happened,  can be the be all and end all of an entire life?  We need to just let go... Just let go and focus on the literally millions and millions of good things about ourselves... Believe me, you and I aren't stupid,  we simply care a little too much sometimes.

David 

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Hey Headwreck I'm so sorry to hear that you're still stuck with this.

You said you don't know what else you can do. Well there is one thing you can still do. You can let that night out go and move on with your life. How many more years will you waste going over this? Live your life Headwreck!

Also I hope you get well soon regarding covid :hug:

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4 hours ago, Lynz said:

Hey Headwreck I'm so sorry to hear that you're still stuck with this.

You said you don't know what else you can do. Well there is one thing you can still do. You can let that night out go and move on with your life. How many more years will you waste going over this? Live your life Headwreck!

Also I hope you get well soon regarding covid :hug:

Thanks Lynz. Hope you are doing good and have been keeping well, good to see you here but hope it's not because you are struggling with anything. I am feeling a little better physically but not mentally unfortunately :( I wish I could just move on but I honestly can't. I am not exaggerating when I say it is ruining my life and my partners life. He deserves so much better. 

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Compulsions, headwreck. They are why you can't move on. You're churning all this in your head, all day, every day.

I know Polarbear but it's there every day. And when it's not that it's something else. I know I'm annoying and infuriating but honestly I do try to stop but I end up thinking about it without even knowing. What do I do when that happens?

At the moment I'm now concerned about when I've been flirtatious with people whilst I've been out drinking alcohol. I feel I need to confess these instances to my partner. One happened as recently as 2019 after I drank for the first time in years and was flirty with a colleague. I don't know why I do these things, alcohol and me do not mix and I suffer with extreme anxiety the next day. I don't drink or go out to parties or bars now due to what happened 6 years ago but that one occasion in 2019 was an exception. I can't tell if it's a normal thing to do and a non sufferer would tell their partner or not about these things. 

Basically I am 100% certain that I am just a horrible person and do not deserve to be in a relationship. My partner does not deserve to be trapped with me. 

17 hours ago, Dakagraphics-David said:

Our lives are made up of literally millions and millions of thoughts and experiences...  all people are like this... How is it possible  that one event, that may or may never have happened,  can be the be all and end all of an entire life?  We need to just let go... Just let go and focus on the literally millions and millions of good things about ourselves... Believe me, you and I aren't stupid,  we simply care a little too much sometimes.

David 

Thank you David. I can't help but feel stupid, selfish and all around horrible person. I care so much yet do so many things that would say otherwise. What a mess I have made. 

Edited by Headwreck
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Maybe not as bad as the mess I've made... Try Self forgiveness, and leaving all the stress behind ...

Just let it all go....

We are not the sum of our mistakes... It's not important about whether or not we have made mistakes in our lives, but whether or not we have learned from life's experiences... And none of us is stupid...

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Don't you think your partner has the right to make the decision about what he accepts or doesn't?  You've told him, he's made his choice......."his choice"  You're more likely to drive him away through the endless pressure this puts on him.

You can change the way you process this but you have to be prepared to make lots of changes

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On 21/10/2021 at 00:41, PolarBear said:

Headwreck, you have confessed to your partner multiple times. Has that made the problem go away? 

Your partner doesn't want to hear it anymore. He's had enough.

Confessing is not the way out of this mess.

 

On 21/10/2021 at 01:50, Caramoole said:

Don't you think your partner has the right to make the decision about what he accepts or doesn't?  You've told him, he's made his choice......."his choice"  You're more likely to drive him away through the endless pressure this puts on him.

You can change the way you process this but you have to be prepared to make lots of changes

I understand what you both are saying. 

But morally, am I not in the wrong? Yes I told him about the night out and he agreed that I was not sure but if I was sure then it would be over. I didn't tell him I flirted with people out of spite and told people about doing it. I did it because I was obsessed about him cheating where I was convinced and made myself extremely unwell. I can only think this makes me a terrible person and there is no other excuse. 

I'm now worried about another night but I'm trying to not think about it and just occupy with something else. Not sure how long I can keep doing all of this, seems easier to just tell all, split and be alone instead of ruining his life.

I don't know what to do. It feels horrible and this is every single day. Surely I've paid enough penance? 

Edited by Headwreck
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You haven't made your mind up. On one hand you think you've paid enough penance and the other you think you should confess, split and be alone.

Although OCD continually tells you that you are ruining his life, you simply are not. There is no truth to that. You are, however, stressing your relationship, due to mishandling your disorder and in particular by needlessly confessing.

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It's just unbearable, I'm sure you understand. It goes from one thing to another, the original thing completely shrinking in importance and the new thing which you never paid attention to previously is all of a sudden a big deal. I'm not sure if this is normal for OCD people or not or just a 'me' thing as when I have explained to other people they didn't understand. I'm sure some point over the next few days it will go back to the normal worry again. 

Would a non-ocd person worry in this manner or feel guilt in this way? What would another person do, or a person of good heart and morals?

I'm trying my best to not engage with this but I know it's going to eat me alive, it always implodes. 

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