Confused

[alyssa07]

Hello all !

I'm currently trying to partake in some ERP therapy by myself but am a bit confused on how to approach it.

Without going into details (for obvious reasons) I have obsessive thoughts about violence and gore. My mind likes me to picture people dying in horrible situations which disgusts and distresses me and I'm unable to make them go away. However, my mind then also convinces me I need to go search up images (of someone getting shot in a movie for example) so I can "face my fears". I thought I correctly identified the searching as a compulsion as I felt numb (and temporary relief as horrible as it sounds) when seeing the images themselves but then disgusted and grossed out afterwards, always replaying it in my mind until I convince myself I need to search a new image or find another obsessive thought.

For the last 5 days I haven't given into these thoughts, but now I'm doubting searching is the compulsion? Was I perhaps right originally and I just need to "face my fears" to stop thinking about them? And if that's right then how do I do ERP like that successfully when I always seem to end up in the same cycle?

If anyone has any advice that would be brilliant as I'm really struggling.

-Alyssa :))

[Saffron37]

Hi Alyssa! Searching for graphic images is definitely a compulsion. If seeing the graphic images was a trigger and increased your anxiety, looking at them could be a part of ERP; however, as you noted, viewing the images doing so makes you feel numb and temporarily relieved, so providing some respite from the obsession. This makes it a straightforward compulsive behavior. 
I’m guessing part of you wants to believe that it’s not a compulsion so you can engage in it for relief (nothing to be ashamed of, it’s the most natural thing to crave relief). 
 

Do your intrusive thoughts have any triggers? Specific situations, contexts, etc?

[alyssa07]

@Saffron37  hello and thank you for the response!

I think it's quite hard to explain for me, as a fear response does always occur when I see the images it just happens delayed most of the time? I think the relief is more felt because I constantly have a voice in my head telling me to engage in something I know is going to upset me and the jolt of distress in deciding not to is quite horrible, so when I do decide to give in I get relief! So there's a weird overlap if that makes sense? 

But as you said I'm probably trying to rationalise continuing in this behaviour.

Usually, my thoughts are triggered by something I see or hear about (eg. discussing a murder with a friend or seeing something in a film.) there's not trend my mind just tends to register if I find a violent act disgusting then jumps onto it and makes me obsess about it until it finds something I find even more horrifying  It's annoying because I really want to help myself but can't seem to find a way to do it in ERP!

 

[Saffron37]

Hey Alyssa, my pleasure!

Believe it or not, there's no contradiction--for you, googling those images online is definitely a compulsion. Here's how these things seem to work:

Trigger (in your case, intrusive thought about violence) -> unpleasant, painful feelings (disgust, distress) --> desire to get rid of those feelings through compulsive behavior -> performing compulsive behavior (in your case, Googling violent images to "face your fears") -> temporary relief of anxiety, feeling better --> feelings of guilt, disgust, shame, fear, etc at having performed the compulsive behavior --> new trigger, and the cycle starts all over again, only just a little bit stronger. 

So for you, I'd advise thinking about it like this: does thinking about Googling these images make you feel scared, anxious, upset? If that answer was yes, then I'd say it would be a good exposure. However, not doing the Googling is what makes you distressed, because you find relief in the compulsion. So in order to help yourself, you need to brave the discomfort of the awful distress you feel when refraining from your compulsion. Over time, with continued resistance, it'll get easier and easier.

 

[alyssa07]

7 hours ago, Saffron37 said:

Trigger (in your case, intrusive thought about violence) -> unpleasant, painful feelings (disgust, distress) --> desire to get rid of those feelings through compulsive behavior -> performing compulsive behavior (in your case, Googling violent images to "face your fears") -> temporary relief of anxiety, feeling better --> feelings of guilt, disgust, shame, fear, etc at having performed the compulsive behavior --> new trigger, and the cycle starts all over again, only just a little bit stronger. 

Thank you so much for this Saffron, it's so much easier to rationalise thoughts when they're written out like this. It gets quite crowded in my brain sometimes with the OCD and "normal" thoughts mixing together so much it's hard to tell them apart! But it's a relief to know I can continue ERP in peace now knowing I am working towards getting rid of a compulsion.

[Saffron37]

My pleasure! It's always so much easier to see from the outside, right? You're doing amazing work and should be so proud of yourself.

So remember, when you encounter an obsession, your OCD is going to want you to perform a compulsion that it convinces you, against all logic, will relieve your anxiety and prevent something bad from happening. This is your OCD lying to you. Luckily, we can override that lie by resisting the compulsions, just as you are doing by not googling images of violence to relieve your anxiety. The more you resist, the more your brain will understand that the fixations and compulsions of OCD are meaningless and disregard them, leading to a permanent reduction in your anxiety. This is how you get better.

You can do it!! 

[alyssa07]

@Saffron37 I completely agree, it's the same as hindsight is 20/20 haha.

Thank you so much (again!) for the support and explanations, despite relapsing a bit today coming online and reading this has really cheered me up and made me more determined to keep going!  After all it's like thunder claps they'll keep getting further and further apart every time I resist

[Saffron37]

I love that analogy! Yes, just like thunderclaps!

One suggestion: list all of your compulsions to get a sense of just how many there might be. For example, rumination (thinking obsessively, in loops) is a very common compulsion, but because it's all inside your head it can be tougher to identify as a compulsion than, say, something obviously behavioral like Googling images. Want to make that list and post it here, maybe? I'd be happy to talk it through with you! OCD is a tricky enemy--you want to get a sense of every weapon it's got.  

 

[alyssa07]

Hi @Saffron37 I would really appreciate if you were able to walk me through these 

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply I was visiting my grandmother's for a couple of weeks. Good news is I didn't google any images while I was away, I think the change of scenery did me some good, but now I am back have my urge to do compulsions have returned in full force!

However, the bad news is whilst I managed to stop that compulsion (for the time being at least!) my ruminating was a constant. I also started doing more frequent mental checks to see if i was still afraid of the OCD thoughts and that caused me to have two panic attacks, the latter of which caused me to be physically sick  so uh... not good. On the bright side all this thinking has helped me narrow down my compulsions to these 

• Ruminating
• Mental Checks
• Googling Images

I think ruminating is definitely my worst, although my OCD continues to try and convince me to google violent images using the excuse that when I seek professional help (which I'm planning to do this week!) my therapist will probably make me look at these images as exposure therapy so I might as well do it now  I can't tell whether I am right in that regard, or if it's my OCD just trying to make excuses to indulge in compulsions!

Thank you very much for offering help!

-Alyssa :))