Why cant I dismiss this thought?

[Chris1987]

Over two years now I've been battling with the thought of doing something so wrong, so taboo and illegal - it terrifies me. I have no evidence that I have done this horrible thing, no memory or details of doing such thing so why am I latched onto it.

Something innocent happened at the time and it was like a trigger. I felt I did this awful thing.

If I were to day to myself "you robbed a bank yesterday" I can easily dismiss it as false and that I didn't do that but why can I not do it with this. From day one when it happened to today I question everything, I've tried finding facts, tried looking for evidence that I I or did not do this thing. I've looked for reassurance when I know I shouldn't but its the kind of reassurance that I have not done this thing.

Why cant I just dismiss it as not true and a pack of nonsense, why am I convinced that I have done this thing. Because I have never experienced anything like this before I'm hesitant to blame it on OCD because surely if I didn't do it then why do I feel like I do, worrying everyday, looking for proof.

I've kinda given up on it now and am expecting the worst, expecting the police to come and get me for something that I have no details of or memory but just the feelings of a guilty man.

My biggest bit of reassurance is that if someone could say to me 100% I have done nothing wrong I'd sure I'd still feel this way and to me that would confirm some sort of mental issue but that will never be the case.

For any interested I had seen the word CP on a Wikipedia page and it all spiralled out of control from there. Can OCD make it more than what it is? I know what I read and I realise now it was just a word but at the time I freaked out thinking I don't something wrong and at that time I had a panic attack that night and since then it's made me belive there must have been something else I did and not just that word I seen.

I'm here now pulled over on the side of the road, as I thought I'd google "why cant I dismiss a thougjt" when I get these burning questions I need to ask straight away and if it doesn't mention OCD anywhere in it, it get worse as then I believe I don't have OCD and must be a monster.

This may be a reassurance question but if you did something terrible or morally wrong that could have devastating consequences would you remember that thing?

Thanks 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Chris1987 said:

This may be a reassurance question but if you did something terrible or morally wrong that could have devastating consequences would you remember that thing?

Thanks 

It certainly is a reassurance question and one I won't be answering.

By your own admission you are engaging in compulsions each and every day, all day.......even to the point of pulling over to "Google" a question.  I know that it feels as though you can't control this but gradually you can.  It takes hard work and discipline but you literally can train yourself to change this.  It does provoke anxiety, there's no real escape but as you reduce the compulsions the general anxiety will fall.

You compulsions are the thing that is sustaining this.  It's vitally important to take that on board.  It will help to make a list of all the compulsions you might do.  Googling, asking others for reassurance, ruminating, avoiding situations, thinking neutralising statements/words etc.

 

[Chris1987]

Thanks for the reply.

It's just this thought is the worst of the worst. If it were true my life would be over I would loose everything and everyone. I would be hated and my life would be a living hell. 

So trying to just ignore it and it will eventually die down I can't see that happening because of the nature of the consequences true.

I'm constantly on edge waiting for the police to come and get me, it's horrible. When I see them I get in abit of a panic. I know me speaking like this makes me sound like a guilty mam but I don't want to miss out any details when explaining.

I just feel ill never get out if this hole. At the very beginning I was like "if the police don't come within the next 6 months then I'm okay" this is the only way I cope with it and it's the wrong way as I'm not just saying this is stupid I'm actually believing I have done this horrible thing. After 6 months has past I tell myself "well wait a year and if no police you have kit done anything" and that went to 1 and half and two years. I can see what's going on here, it will be 5, 10 20 years next. I hate thinking this way but it's the only way I cope.

 

[Dakagraphics-David]

If you had done it, I reckon the police would have been with you in 6 hours...

If they aren't coming, no point worrying about it....

[Caramoole]

Chris, what brings you here to an OCD forum?

[Chris1987]

11 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Chris, what brings you here to an OCD forum?

I've been here for the past two years.

This question you have just asked me has now made me more anxious because I feel you dont see this as ocd but true.

[Chris1987]

Also I've come here asking for advice. I understand that again might be reassurance but if no one says anything then how can we move on.

[Chris1987]

16 minutes ago, Dakagraphics-David said:

If you had done it, I reckon the police would have been with you in 6 hours...

If they aren't coming, no point worrying about it....

I would like to think that but then I read they articles of P's that have done this sort of thing and they will say it happened in 2020 but only now getting charged. So by reading that it changed the way I think. 

I hope that makes sense 

[Caramoole]

6 minutes ago, Chris1987 said:

I've been here for the past two years.

This question you have just asked me has now made me more anxious because I feel you dont see this as ocd but true.

What I'm really suggesting is that you clearly think/know you have OCD

[Chris1987]

Well I ready do think I have as I done checking, touching, counting things for a long period of time since a young child. It's gotten better since then but I still do things that a non ocd wouldn't do.

I've never experienced this side before so I need knowledge and knowledge is power that's why I'm here sharing how I feel hoping someone can relate or give me their opinions whether it sounds like ocd or not.

To be perfectly honest I feel really confused and never ever expected something like this to happen to me so then I doubt whether it's ocd, something else or the truth. 

[Caramoole]

Chris, this is a very, very common form of OCD.  You could find hundreds of examples on the internet or this forum (although I highly recommend you don't start doing searches, compulsion).  You are an OCD sufferer who had an intrusive thought that they may be accused of being a paedophile, I'm guessing. Through fear, you've spent the last two years using compulsions to try and reassure yourself in the hope you can find something to make you feel better & make it stop.

It hasn't.......and won't.  Compulsions ensure that this horrible fear just gets worse

The first skill you have to acquire is acceptance, acceptance that this is OCD.........even in the face of incredible doubt.  Then you have to sit down and work out all compulsions that you do to try and solve this or make it go away.  Once you do that you can start the process on changing how you currently react by reducing & giving up on those compulsions.  There is a way out Chris but the first changes have to come from you

[Chris1987]

Thank you caramoole. Sorry if I came across stern in my reply. It's just at first I was so afraid to tell people my problem but now I just don't care, regardless how bad it is. The people close to me know everything even my employer. I suppose I guess I need to take a leap of faith and the rest will follow. 

Thanks for listening 

[Caramoole]

No problem.  Be brave and start that journey Chris.  Be anxious whilst getting better.....not anxious by being stuck

[PolarBear]

Chris, you've been stuck for years. You repeatedly come here, tell us your story, and complain how hard it is. In between your life is filled with compulsions. We tell you to give up your compulsions, but you never do.

Take a look at the second half of the third paragraph of your first post above. It's a list of compulsions you do. There are more you mention throughout your post.

You ask why it is so hard to let this go. The fact is, you aren't trying. By doing these compulsions constantly, you are holding on tight to that thought. I have explained to you many times that the reason you are stuck is because of the compulsions you do.

Think of this: you have spent two years doing compulsions and waiting for a definitive answer. Has that worked? Do you think another two years of compulsions is going to bring you the answer and relief you seek? 

Time to do something different. Your way is not working and will never work. It will only keep you stuck.

[Chris1987]

Hi polarbear.

It's really hard to not think about it and just dismiss it, I wish I could. Because of the nature it scared the living hell out of me and I'm always thinking what if it is true and it's only a matter of time before the my life and everything as I know it is over.

I sometimes doubt they are compulsions because isn't looking for reassurance somewhere normal that anyone would do regardless of ocd or not? Or is it that the person without ocd would have dismissed it at the time of it happening and moved on with the day. Is this the difference between someone with and without ocd.

I always have loads of questions, questions that I need answering about this. I agree that I have probably asked the same questions and have had the same answers before. Yes this does relive the anxiety and make me feel normal for a little while then the doubt comes back in again and I find myself here. 

Just one question I need answering. I'm my situation can ocd twist a thought and make you believe/convince you have done this horrible thing and why is it I can not use my willpower alone to dissmiss it.

[PolarBear]

I know you have questions that you want answered but you've had that for 2 years. How's that worked out for you?

To move on you have to stop looking for those answers.