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Stuck on a horrible memory


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Hi, 

I’ve not posted in a while as I’ve been doing okay. I’ve started therapy again and I even asked my therapist if he’s treated anyone who did end up getting locked up because it wasn’t OCD and he said it doesn’t happen. 
 

I keep thinking what if I’m the first case? I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve been stuck on the same thought on and off for a couple months now. If it didn’t happen, why does it keep popping back into my memory? Why is it so clear? 
 

the thing is if I had done the thing I’m worried I’m capable of, then I wouldn’t be able to go on living. Now because of this thought, all of the other thoughts have popped back into my head. About me thinking I’ll self harm because I’ll convince myself I deserve it. I don’t actually want to do this, but I’m having a really bad night when I shouldn’t be. I’ve just come back from spending time with my best friend and I feel miserable. 

I’m worried I’ve snapped and now my brain is just trying to cover it up a real memory so I don’t go insane. I don’t know what to do 

 

 

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A. No matter how bad it seems, it's really not. The OCD mind blows things way out of proportion.

B. I guarantee the reason the thought is sticking around is because you won't let it go. You do compulsions, especially ruminating. Every time the thought pops up, you endlessly chew on it in your mind.

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On 20/10/2021 at 23:29, PolarBear said:

A. No matter how bad it seems, it's really not. The OCD mind blows things way out of proportion.

B. I guarantee the reason the thought is sticking around is because you won't let it go. You do compulsions, especially ruminating. Every time the thought pops up, you endlessly chew on it in your mind.

@PolarBear

thank you for your quick reply. 

I know rumination is a compulsion and by me continuously thinking about it, I’m basically just feeding the thought and it’s making it seem so much more real each time. How can I ever know I didn’t do this horrible thing I’m scared I’ve done? I don’t want to say what the thought is because I don’t want to bring it to life, but I can never be certain and that’s what gets to me more than anything. 

Then when I feel like this, I just self destruct. I push everyone away because I don’t want them to be around me because I feel like I’m a disgusting person. I don’t feel like deserve all the good things in my life anymore. 
 

I want to stop thinking about it but I don’t know how. Even when I’m at work I’m thinking about it, there’s no escape from my own head 

Edited by thistooshallpass1996
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10 hours ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

How can I ever know I didn’t do this horrible thing I’m scared I’ve done?

It might sound illogical, but you achieve certainty by NOT trying to be sure.

When you stop looking for proof and evidence (stop doing your compulsions) the 'horrible thing' stops feeling so hugely horrible. Once you've got it back in perspective you stop fearing you did it.

NOT staying focused on the 'I might have, what if?' eventually gives you the confidence/ feeling of certainty that you didn't.

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