Are you always aware of your checking compulsions?

[Cora]

I'm asking this question because I really need an answer. I've been struggling with past memories of me touching/petting dogs and cats (of family, friends or strangers in parks) after and during urges of a sexual nature. Let's say for a moment that is not me acting me on the urges/thoughts but performing a checking compulsion instead:

• Is that still a compulsion if I'm not aware of doing it?
• And is that still a compulsion if as soon as I touch the pet I think I hurt them?
• And why does it not make sense to me that is a compulsion, even at a deeper level?
• Why is it easier for me to understand other compulsions, even if I'm still doing them (e.g. asking for reassurance, confessing, googling) but impossible to understand this one?
• And finally, doesn't it make more sense that it is acting on an urge and not a compulsion due to the way it happens and the fact that it involves another being? To make it more clear, this is what exactly happens every single time: I'm playing with the pet and I'm suddenly aware that I have an urge that I want touch them/do something sexually inappropriate. I don't do anything that could stop me from acting on it. Instead, I move my hand in a weird way, or move closer to the pet, or playfully squeeze them following the urge.

I hope that what I'm asking makes sense. 

Thank you.

 

[Hdigtts]

Cora, this seems like more reassurance seeking

[Cora]

10 hours ago, Hdigtts said:

Cora, this seems like more reassurance seeking

But, @Hdigtts, I just want to know why people think that is a compulsion and not acting on the urge instead. I mean, if you carefully look at the description of what happens in that specific moment, it looks like I'm acting on an urge.

I really don't know. It's all a mess in my head and nothing makes sense anymore. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

But, @Hdigtts, I just want to know why people think that is a compulsion and not acting on the urge instead. I mean, if you carefully look at the description of what happens in that specific moment, it looks like I'm acting on an urge.

I really don't know. It's all a mess in my head and nothing makes sense anymore. 

How many pets have you sexually assaulted?  How many pet owners have raised concerns or complained about your actions?

[Cora]

32 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

How many pets have you sexually assaulted?  How many pet owners have raised concerns or complained about your actions?

At this point I don't even know what sexual assault is anymore. But to me, moving your hand in a weird way while petting/playing with them, giving them a stronger stroke than normally or moving your body closer to them  immediately after you have the urge equals sexual abuse/assault. 

Edited November 1, 2021 by Cora

[Cora]

Thinking about those memories makes me want to throw up. I don't understand why and how I allowed all of that to happen. Those poor pets...

[Caramoole]

18 minutes ago, Cora said:

At this point I don't even know what sexual assault is anymore. But to me, moving your hand in a weird way while petting/playing with them, giving them a stronger stroke than normally or moving your body closer to them  limmediately after you have the urge equals sexual abuse/assault. 

Explain that.....because it's clear you still haven't learned to understand the feelings, thoughts or urges that OCD can produce.  

[Cora]

Just now, Caramoole said:

Explain that.....because it's clear you still haven't learned to understand the feelings, thoughts or urges that OCD can produce.  

Explain what exactly? 

Maybe. And maybe I'm just too stupid to understand. And maybe I never will. But at the end of the day, what really worries and stays with me is not what kind of thoughts, feelings and urges OCD can produce, but how I react to them, and how I unintentionally act on them. 

[Caramoole]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

 

But at the end of the day, what really worries and stays with me is not what kind of thoughts, feelings and urges OCD can produce, but how I react to them, and how I unintentionally act on them. 

Without understanding and accepting what kind of thoughts, feelings and urges OCD can produce you can't learn how to change your reaction or understand that you don't "unintentionally" act on anything.  That there is no crime, no action that has taken place.....only a thought/doubt/fear/false interpretation created by OCD.

[Cora]

1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

Without understanding and accepting what kind of thoughts, feelings and urges OCD can produce you can't learn how to change your reaction or understand that you don't "unintentionally" act on anything.  That there is no crime, no action that has taken place.....only a thought/doubt/fear/false interpretation created by OCD.

Why can't I understand that, @Caramoole? Why don't I want to accept that? Why am I like this? 

[Caramoole]

But do you understand it or not? In a moment when you're not feeling overly anxious, can you read an explanation given by an expert about how OCD can make a sufferer fear they have or will do something sexually inappropriate to their child, a pet, a stranger or that they have sexually inappropriate thoughts about other people?  Do you understand that OCD creates these type of thoughts and feelings?

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

But do you understand it or not? In a moment when you're not feeling overly anxious, can you read an explanation given by an expert about how OCD can make a sufferer fear they have or will do something sexually inappropriate to their child, a pet, a stranger or that they have sexually inappropriate thoughts about other people?  Do you understand that OCD creates these type of thoughts and feelings?

To be honest, I don't think I fully understand it. I do understand the part where OCD can create an infinite number of feelings and thoughts - that I think is clear to me, especially in an non-anxious state.

What I don't understand is the urges part. I mean, I do get the fact that OCD can be so, so bad that it creates feelings and sensations in your body that feel like urges. But I don't get why they go as far as me moving parts of my body in a certain way or making unexpected, weird movements as an immediate response to them. It is very confusing. Why does the urge have to leave my body? 

I'm sorry, @Caramoole, I hope I'm making sense. I'm trying my best to explain what's going on in my head at the moment but I think I'm failing. My main points/questions are why do urges have to be this way and why do I always feel like I act on them even though I don't want or plan it? 

[Caramoole]

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

To be honest, I don't think I fully understand it. I do understand the part where OCD can create an infinite number of feelings and thoughts - that I think is clear to me, especially in an non-anxious state.

What I don't understand is the urges part. I mean, I do get the fact that OCD can be so, so bad that it creates feelings and sensations in your body that feel like urges. 

Okay, so you don't fully understand it but you do accept that OCD creates these type of thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations etc?

It also makes you feel as if you will act on those urges.  You might move your hand, you might test yourself........you definitely misinterpret and exaggerate those movements in your mind into being of importance, into being something that they're not.  Have you ever touched an animal on its genitals or anus? No, because you don't want to, it horrifies you........but you "fear" you will or even interpret movements as something that they're not.  That is what OCD does.

And that brings us back full circle to the same place we're constantly at.  You have to accept OCD as a disorder and be aware of the range of thoughts/feelings/doubts/urges that people suffer.......but then you have to do something about it and change your response Cora by not resorting to carrying out compulsions.  Until you do, this will just continue to happen and torment you on a daily basis.  You're not going to wake up one morning and find it's gone or it all makes sense.  You have to start changing this response of resorting to compulsions.......and yes, it's scary.  It will create anxiety but you have to do this despite the doubt.  If you don't start to change this it will continue as it is. 

[Cora]

21 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It also makes you feel as if you will act on those urges.  You might move your hand, you might test yourself........you definitely misinterpret and exaggerate those movements in your mind into being of importance, into being something that they're not.

But what if it's more than just a hand movement? Let's say I'm playing with them and then I suddenly hug them or gently squeeze them, again, as soon as I get an urge - is that still OCD? Also, those movements are mostly involuntary which means I can't fully control myself or my body - is that still OCD? 

[Caramoole]

But, but, but Cora!  This is what I mean about heading straight for compulsions.  There will always be a "Yes but, what if?" question.....then another, and another, "Please reassure me again".

You have to recognise this doubt, you then have to recognise ALL the compulsions you do to bring your anxiety down.  Instead of rushing to start another thread, to ask another question you have to think "This has happened to me thousands of times.  This is what's been explained as OCD. I'm going to work hard at stopping the rumination, I know I feel anxious but this is what I've been told will happen.  I'm going to keep  busy and do my best not to get drawn into this thinking"

[Cora]

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

But, but, but Cora!  This is what I mean about heading straight for compulsions.  There will always be a "Yes but, what if?" question.....then another, and another, "Please reassure me again".

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I just felt like I needed an answer for that as well. 

[Caramoole]

36 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I just felt like I needed an answer for that as well. 

This is what happens though Cora......the answer will never be enough, there'll be another question, then another.  You can't satisfy OCD doubt.  The only way is to start using the advice, hard as that is

[Cora]

@Caramoole, have you ever experienced this kind of situations where you have urges, move your hand (or any other part of the body) and then fear you hurt a person or a pet? 

[Caramoole]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

@Caramoole, have you ever experienced this kind of situations where you have urges, move your hand (or any other part of the body) and then fear you hurt a person or a pet? 

There comes the next question!!   Why do you think you asked it? (and it's not for I formation because this type of question & answer has been done many times)  So what result are you wanting do you think?

[Cora]

3 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

There comes the next question!!   Why do you think you asked it? (and it's not for I formation because this type of question & answer has been done many times)  So what result are you wanting do you think?

Probably deep down I just want more reassurance. I'm sorry, I'm struggling today quite a lot. All these memories and flashbacks are everywhere I turn so it's quite overwhelming. 

But I think, at the same time, a part of me was genuinely curios if you experienced this as well.

[snowbear]

16 minutes ago, Cora said:

But I think, at the same time, a part of me was genuinely curios if you experienced this as well.

  This is just yet more reassurance seeking - 'Are there other people out there like me?'

You want reassurance that it's ok to act as you do, to think as you do and are hoping to find lots of people get this and they all have OCD - which you would consider evidence yours is OCD too. Which is what you're struggling to believe and want reassurance on.

This is what we mean by compulsions can be sneaky.

You wrap up your reassurance seeking in some plausible explanation (plausible to you at least) why it's a real question and not a compulsion.

But it only seems plausible to you because you're so wrapped up in your own head. From the outside it screams 'Reassurance compulsion!' to anybody else reading it.

That's why you have to recognise the desire for answers/ reassurance is part of your OCD and fight the urge to ask because you want to know.

Watch for the pattern of doubt>anxiety> wanting answers. This is OCD every time.

Then take the leap of faith and fight those compulsions without needing to be told yet again that that's what they are.

 

[Cora]

10 minutes ago, snowbear said:

  This is just yet more reassurance seeking - 'Are there other people out there like me?'

You want reassurance that it's ok to act as you do, to think as you do and are hoping to find lots of people get this and they all have OCD - which you would consider evidence yours is OCD too. Which is what you're struggling to believe and want reassurance on.

This is what we mean by compulsions can be sneaky.

You wrap up your reassurance seeking in some plausible explanation (plausible to you at least) why it's a real question and not a compulsion.

But it only seems plausible to you because you're so wrapped up in your own head. From the outside it screams 'Reassurance compulsion!' to anybody else reading it.

That's why you have to recognise the desire for answers/ reassurance is part of your OCD and fight the urge to ask because you want to know.

Watch for the pattern of doubt>anxiety> wanting answers. This is OCD every time.

Then take the leap of faith and fight those compulsions without needing to be told yet again that that's what they are.

 

I know this sounds stupid but I'm struggling so much not to ask for reassurance. And it's driving me insane. This is terribly hard...

[Caramoole]

14 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know this sounds stupid but I'm struggling so much not to ask for reassurance. And it's driving me insane. This is terribly hard...

It is very hard, we know....it's compelling, which is why it is called a compulsion.......but it can be done.  You have to recognise when you're doing it.  When you feel anxious and get the urge to head for the forum and start a thread....STOP, ask "Why am I doing this? What is it I'm looking for?" then try to resist that urge....but don't just sit there thinking, going over it in your head  because that is another compulsion, rumination.  Stopping rumination is very difficult because your brain does get pulled back into the thinking, problem solving mode.  You retrain it, you actively refuse to enter the internal debate.  You'll have to do this over and over but it can be done.  Keep properly engaged in doing something else.

There is a way through this but you have to start the process like you do with other things.  You can't simply think yourself thin or fit, you have to address your diet and take up exercise.  You can't wish the ironing basket was empty....you have to get the iron & ironing board out and iron the clothes.  Same with stopping compulsions, you yourself have to be a) aware of what they are and b) do something to change your current reaction

[Cora]

Please don't be mad at me! I'm struggling so much tonight, I feel like my head is going to explode! I feel terrible. Two days ago I went to my boyfriend's house and while I was playing with his puppy I had numerous urges one after another. The problem is I don't remember what I did while I was playing with him. I don't remember how I moved my hand, the way I touched him while playing, how close my body was standing next to his. I can only remember that at one point I really really wanted to act on one of the urges but I stopped myself so I didn't, and that I also kind of enjoyed the feeling from the other urge. But I don't remember anything else and I'm convinced I did something bad by touching him for too long while having the urges. This is the same as the incident with my baby cousin. 

Please don't close this thread. I don't know what to do. This is very important to me and I can't speak to my boyfriend or my therapist about it. 

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for one second today. I'm just convinced I did something awful because I did feel some sort of sick enjoyment and arousal. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Cora

[Hdigtts]

You stroked a dog? 
 

That’s what I am reading from your post