Are you always aware of your checking compulsions?

[Cora]

I'm struggling today. 

Up until this afternoon I was managing it somehow. Yesterday I had two very disturbing intrusive thoughts on purpose. I felt horrible, ruminated and tried to find an answer on google. But I also tried to let it go by accepting it's OCD, tried my best to focus on uni work, went for a run and met with my boyfriend - all of these I consider small victories. 

But earlier today I saw a post on here that triggered me. More memories and more feelings of shame and guilt came flooding in. I am now comparing myself to that person and can't help but think that my situation/case is so much worse.

I know the advice remains the same and nothing new can be added but I'm still struggling.

(Please don't lock this thread.)

[malina]

12 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm struggling today. 

Up until this afternoon I was managing it somehow. Yesterday I had two very disturbing intrusive thoughts on purpose. I felt horrible, ruminated and tried to find an answer on google. But I also tried to let it go by accepting it's OCD, tried my best to focus on uni work, went for a run and met with my boyfriend - all of these I consider small victories. 

But earlier today I saw a post on here that triggered me. More memories and more feelings of shame and guilt came flooding in. I am now comparing myself to that person and can't help but think that my situation/case is so much worse.

I know the advice remains the same and nothing new can be added but I'm still struggling.

(Please don't lock this thread.)

Cora, keep in mind that we are all unique. You and this person (whoever they are) are not the same person with the same circumstances. Remind yourself that we have heard so much about your story and you have been evaluated by multiple professionals and everyone has spelled out to you that you have OCD. Now, OCD is creating doubt in your head. Don't let it. Get back to your studies, go for a run again today. You can do this!

[Katrin1994]

Cora, I sincerely wish you to defeat your ocd! I believe that you will overcome everything!

[Cora]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Cora, keep in mind that we are all unique. You and this person (whoever they are) are not the same person with the same circumstances. Remind yourself that we have heard so much about your story and you have been evaluated by multiple professionals and everyone has spelled out to you that you have OCD. Now, OCD is creating doubt in your head. Don't let it. Get back to your studies, go for a run again today. You can do this!

Thank you so much, @malina. 

I'm very scared because I have a very similar worry to that person but it seems that my case is worse because it involves actions and movements of a much more serious level. 

I went for a run. It felt pretty good. Now I have to go back to studying which is much more complicated because it requires mental effort and sitting in one place. 

[Cora]

44 minutes ago, Katrin1994 said:

Cora, I sincerely wish you to defeat your ocd! I believe that you will overcome everything!

Thank you so much, @Katrin1994 - that is so kind of you! 

I wish you the same. 

[malina]

19 minutes ago, Cora said:

I went for a run. It felt pretty good. Now I have to go back to studying which is much more complicated because it requires mental effort and sitting in one place. 

Good for you! Come on, it's the end of the year and your exams are important, OCD can wait for now!

[iamwesker]

17 minutes ago, malina said:

Good for you! Come on, it's the end of the year and your exams are important, OCD can wait for now!

good luck with the exams Cora.

I just finished studying for a very difficult qualification. I had no choice but to tell my OCD 'I'll deal with you later.' because otherwise it was too much. Although the ideal thing is no compulsions at all, I think it could help to say 'I'll deal with you compulsions after my exams' and see how you feel once you reach that check point

[Cora]

Today I'm struggling again. I've had lots of thoughts on purpose and it makes me so upset because even though I hate them, I can't stop thinking about them and (it seems/feels like) I just have to have them. And the thoughts are very disturbing. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Cora

[Caramoole]

54 minutes ago, Cora said:

Today I'm struggling again. I've had lots of thoughts on purpose and it makes me so upset because even though I hate them, I can't stop thinking about them and (it seems/feels like) I just have to have them. And the thoughts are very disturbing. 

It's called ruminating Cora.

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's called ruminating Cora.

Yes, except for the thoughts on purpose part.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Cora

[Cora]

I already know what people are going to say. I do. But I still don't understand why I have so many thoughts on purpose. 

[Caramoole]

Every thought is on purpose, it's called thinking.  It's so much at the front of your mind all the time that you will think about it.

You are still attempting to deal with your OCD by using compulsions. Until you try to change that it will stay problematic

[Cora]

46 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Every thought is on purpose, it's called thinking. 

From all the different experiences of people with OCD that I've read about online, most of the time, they have thoughts that intrude their mind - they pop in without their permission, unless they're performing a checking compulsion or other similar compulsions. What happenes in my case is different, I believe. For example, I would see a child, think they are cute, and immediately have the urge to think about their private parts (I don't know how and why but I'm not making this up). And so I do because it's almost like a reflex. And then I feel guilty because I don't know why I did it. 

55 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's so much at the front of your mind all the time that you will think about it.

I agree. This makes a lot of sense but I feel like I take it too far since it doesn't just involve a thought but a whole scenario. 

Again, I know I've been offered all the advice there is and this is probably still OCD, but it's just such a weird and complicated symptom. And it almost makes no sense when you put it on the paper. Or maybe it doesn't make sense to me because I keep thinking there are only specific things/symptoms/whatever you want to call them that could happen with OCD.

59 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You are still attempting to deal with your OCD by using compulsions. Until you try to change that it will stay problematic

Once again, I agree. But I go back to what I said above. Because it feels like I experience some of the weirdest and grossest things with my OCD, it's hard to move on and change things. 

[malina]

8 minutes ago, Cora said:

I agree. This makes a lot of sense but I feel like I take it too far since it doesn't just involve a thought but a whole scenario.

You think that you take everything too far, I can't even count the number of times you have said that in situations where you've done nothing wrong.

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

it's just such a weird and complicated symptom. And it almost makes no sense when you put it on the paper. Or maybe it doesn't make sense to me because I keep thinking there are only specific things/symptoms/whatever you want to call them that could happen with OCD.

Sorry Cora, but your symptoms are not weird or complicated and they make perfect sense on paper. Everything you have said is pretty classic and clear to literally everyone you have spoken to. It doesn't make sense to you because you're in the centre of it and you're letting OCD dictate how you respond to everything.

Come on, you can't come here every day with a new confession about your thoughts (on purpose or random). You have got to try and make an effort to put some of the advice you have gotten into practice. I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh but this has been going on for so long and it will continue if you don't wake up and start listening to the vast number of people who are trying to help you.

[Cora]

29 minutes ago, malina said:

I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh but this has been going on for so long and it will continue if you don't wake up and start listening to the vast number of people who are trying to help you.

You are not being harsh at all, @malina. 

[Saffron37]

Cora, in the past when people have offered explanations and information about your fears, have you felt reassured? If so, for how long?

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Cora, in the past when people have offered explanations and information about your fears, have you felt reassured? If so, for how long?

Yes, I have. It depends on how big my fear/worry is. It's never the same. Sometimes the reassurance lasts for hours, sometimes for minutes. 

[Saffron37]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, I have. It depends on how big my fear/worry is. It's never the same. Sometimes the reassurance lasts for hours, sometimes for minutes. 

Got it! Then, I’m just wondering—knowing how little time you’ll feel better if someone were to reassure you about today’s worry, is it really worth it? Do you hold out hope that someone, somehow will provide an explanation for you that reassures you permanently, or are you resigned to these minute or hour long reassurances?

[Cora]

5 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

is it really worth it?

I'm not really sure. Maybe. Or maybe not. I have no idea. 

7 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Do you hold out hope that someone, somehow will provide an explanation for you that reassures you permanently, or are you resigned to these minute or hour long reassurances?

I already know that nothing will ever satisfy my OCD so I guess it's the second option. 

[Saffron37]

35 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm not really sure. Maybe. Or maybe not. I have no idea. 

I already know that nothing will ever satisfy my OCD so I guess it's the second option. 

Knowing that nothing will satisfy your OCD (I agree, the only way to "beat" OCD is to not play its game), are you willing in any way to try a different way of approaching your symptoms? 

[Cora]

3 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

are you willing in any way to try a different way of approaching your symptoms? 

I am, I really am. However, I can't get it out of my head that all these symptoms of mine are terrible hence why I confess and seek reassurance. And the worst part is that it never ends. Today I have one symptom to worry about, tomorrow another one, and so on. But I'm just repeating myself...

[Saffron37]

3 minutes ago, Cora said:

I am, I really am. However, I can't get it out of my head that all these symptoms of mine are terrible hence why I confess and seek reassurance. And the worst part is that it never ends. Today I have one symptom to worry about, tomorrow another one, and so on. But I'm just repeating myself...

I understand my friend, I really do. But here's the thing: if you're willing to try something, you have to try. Right now, you don't appear to really be trying. Please know that I say that from a place of love and wanting you to get better, not judgment or criticism. I know the symptoms are terribly painful, but you're trading little tiny gasps of relief (by asking for reassurance) in the short term with true, deeper relief and peace in the long term. It's a terrible bargain.

Have you listened to any more Brain Lock or perhaps thought about some other form of self-help?

 

[Caramoole]

There is no need to settle for the second option Cora.....no need at all.  I accept that you're struggling and that you find this baffling and frightening but there is nothing unique or different or unusual about the particular obsessions and fears that you have.   If you won't make any adjustments to the way you approach this, you will struggle.  You are still waiting for that ultimate piece of reassurance, that absolute certainty to move forward.  You must work to change that, and sadly, I'm not seeing that.  I see someone waiting for the certainty to come first and unfortunately,  it just won't happen

[Cora]

On 16/12/2021 at 23:48, Saffron37 said:

Have you listened to any more Brain Lock or perhaps thought about some other form of self-help?

I have. I also started running again because it seems to calm down my anxiety. But that's it really. 

[Cora]

On 17/12/2021 at 00:11, Caramoole said:

I accept that you're struggling and that you find this baffling and frightening but there is nothing unique or different or unusual about the particular obsessions and fears that you have.   If you won't make any adjustments to the way you approach this, you will struggle. 

I know I sound pathetic but I'm not sure what my problem is, Caramoole. Maybe I'm just one of those cases where recovery isn't possible for some reason? It's possible since this has being going on for years and very little changes have happened.