Are you always aware of your checking compulsions?

[malina]

Cora,

it may not be my place to say this, but I think you take on quite a lot of responsibility for your younger brother, a lot more than anyone I personally know with younger siblings at least. I'm sure that is a really big help to your parents. I know you put yourself down a lot so that's why I wanted to say this, because you're probably doing a lot more than other people your age and I hope it's being appreciated (or at least that you realise that you're being kind and helpful!).

[Cora]

2 hours ago, malina said:

Cora,

it may not be my place to say this, but I think you take on quite a lot of responsibility for your younger brother, a lot more than anyone I personally know with younger siblings at least. I'm sure that is a really big help to your parents. I know you put yourself down a lot so that's why I wanted to say this, because you're probably doing a lot more than other people your age and I hope it's being appreciated (or at least that you realise that you're being kind and helpful!).

Thank you for this, @malina. I guess it was a given for me to take care of my brother since I'm almost 14 years older than him. My cousin and best friend have had a very similar experience but they've done a much better job than me so I feel like I haven't done enough.  

Edited November 16, 2021 by Cora

[Cora]

I have been feeling better regarding the incident with my cousin. I've tried my best to not replay the memory in my head trying to prove myself I'm a horrible person and I've used everyone's advice and decided to just let it be. But I feel like I'm slowly falling back into the same trap and I really don't want that. I've not had such a great day today so while I was on social media, watching a video about a dog and his owner cuddling, I had a groinal response. And like before, I felt like I wanted to keep watching the video because of how the groinal response felt. And that's when it hit me: I didn't move my cousin's feet because I liked the groinal feeling and wanted it go on for longer. I can feel the heaviness in my chest again - I didn't have that for days and it felt so liberating - and I'm very worried I'm back to feeling awful every single minute of my life. 

[Caramoole]

You won't put it right overnight but if you follow the course of action detailed in your first three sentences you'll find the improvement grows

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I liked the groinal feeling and wanted it go on for longer

OCD comes from the meaning you give to things, how you interpret them.

The normal thought process would be, 'I like feeling aroused, of course I wanted the feeling to last.' The source of the stimulus wouldn't even cross their mind as important in that moment, they recognise they like the feeling of arousal and no deeper interpretation is made.

Your thought process is, 'I was aroused'  But because you're completely focused on not wanting to be a paedophile the part you focused on was there was a child present. You interpret that ... 'I got aroused by a child, that must mean I am a paedo.'

Your obsession with not being attracted to children skews your interpretation of every scenario, making you more and more focused on every interaction you have with a child as something potentially sexual.

Shift your focus away from yourself and your feelings to what the child is doing (play, communication etc.) Make them more important than you in every interaction instead of always putting yourself and your body sensations centre stage.

[malina]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I have been feeling better regarding the incident with my cousin. I've tried my best to not replay the memory in my head trying to prove myself I'm a horrible person and I've used everyone's advice and decided to just let it be. But I feel like I'm slowly falling back into the same trap and I really don't want that. I've not had such a great day today so while I was on social media, watching a video about a dog and his owner cuddling, I had a groinal response. And like before, I felt like I wanted to keep watching the video because of how the groinal response felt. And that's when it hit me: I didn't move my cousin's feet because I liked the groinal feeling and wanted it go on for longer. I can feel the heaviness in my chest again - I didn't have that for days and it felt so liberating - and I'm very worried I'm back to feeling awful every single minute of my life. 

These moments where you find yourself slipping back are actually very important moments to practice implementing what you have learned. OCD is very powerful, this will inevitably come back but if you practice continuously working on it, you will become so much stronger.

I discovered this a few years ago, I was having a really hard time and I managed to make myself feel better for one day. Then the next day I woke up and it all came flooding back, I felt like I was at rock bottom again. But I decided to just try again and I felt better that day. Then the next day the same and I kept this up for a few days until I felt okay. Then after a while of feeling okay, I had a bad moment again but I learned from my previous experience that if I took it day by day, I could go back to feeling okay. It helped me build resilience.

Just take it day by day, small but consistent steps.

[Cora]

1 hour ago, malina said:

These moments where you find yourself slipping back are actually very important moments to practice implementing what you have learned. OCD is very powerful, this will inevitably come back but if you practice continuously working on it, you will become so much stronger.

I discovered this a few years ago, I was having a really hard time and I managed to make myself feel better for one day. Then the next day I woke up and it all came flooding back, I felt like I was at rock bottom again. But I decided to just try again and I felt better that day. Then the next day the same and I kept this up for a few days until I felt okay. Then after a while of feeling okay, I had a bad moment again but I learned from my previous experience that if I took it day by day, I could go back to feeling okay. It helped me build resilience.

Just take it day by day, small but consistent steps.

This is how it feels for me as well. It's incredibly hard. 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

OCD comes from the meaning you give to things, how you interpret them.

What meaning do I give to the part of where I let the baby's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose while I was slowly standing up? I think this is the part that always makes me feel horrible and I still don't get why. Again, I don't think I was realising what I was doing in that moment (because I was focused on the groinal feeling) but it happened anyway. 

[Cora]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

What meaning do I give to the part of where I let the baby's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose while I was slowly standing up?

Maybe I didn't have bad intentions because my brain simply blocked out the source of stimulus in that moment but I have to live with this incident for the rest of my life. I know (more than I did a year ago) that I wouldn't want to harm a child intentionally but that doesn't change the fact that what happened, happened. And I also know that wishing stuff right now is just pointless but I really wish this never happened. I wish I never visited my aunt and her children that summer; I wish I never accepted their invitation. 

If this happened to you, @Caramoole, @snowbear and @malina, what would you do and how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel extremely guilty like I do right now? 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

What meaning do I give to the part of where I let the baby's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose

That's the point you keep missing, Cora. You should give it no meaning at all.

1 hour ago, Cora said:

If this happened to you what would you do and how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel extremely guilty like I do right now? 

If this happened to anybody without your obsession they wouldn't give it meaning, so wouldn't think twice about it, would feel no guilt.

The problem is your obsessive thinking making you interpret it as harming the baby because you were thinking something sexual at the time. You have to let this go.

All these questions are the result of you still ruminating on this, going over it and analysing it to death. Take our word for it and let it go.

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

 

If this happened to you, @Caramoole, @snowbear and @malina, what would you do and how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel extremely guilty like I do right now? 

I'd do nothing, would feel nothing and I couldn't feel guilt about nothing.

I've had intrusive thoughts whilst holding a baby where I've thought I'd suddenly throw it onto a tiled floor.  Does that make me a danger to children?  It makes me someone who had OCD who had an intrusive thought.  You recognise, accept & carry on whilst adding no secondary fear thoughts 

[Cora]

I'm struggling today. For the past few days I've noticed that I keep staring at children, teens and young people and also keep thinking that they're attractive. Last evening I had to go with my brother to his football session and there was this very young looking trainer and I felt like I wanted him to look at me, like in a flirty way. He looked 17 or 16 to me and I was completely aware of that in the moment but I still felt like I wanted to catch his attention. 

All of this bothers me very much but the worst part is that I feel bad only after I stare or have inappropriate thoughts, not before or during. 

[PolarBear]

What are you looking for, Cora?

[Cora]

16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

What are you looking for, Cora?

Why do I keep doing these awful things? 

[Saffron37]

Cora, have you read any of the self-help books we discussed? If you really want to know what's going on, that's where your answers lie. 

[Cora]

Just now, Saffron37 said:

Cora, have you read any of the self-help books we discussed? If you really want to know what's going on, that's where your answers lie. 

Yes, I have read some, but I'm not sure they describe/talk about experiences similar to mine. I understand that each case of OCD is different but I'm scared and worried anyway. 

[Caramoole]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

Why do I keep doing these awful things? 

Why do you think Cora?  It's been explained hundreds of times in hundreds of different ways.  Why do you think the next answer is going to give the solution?

The Self-Help books probably haven't helped (just like the forum) because you're not really applying the methods and suggestions.......rather that you simply "read" things in the hope of understanding and finding a piece of information that will suddenly make you feel better.  Sadly, it won't.  A person could read 10,000 Diet books but unless they change their diet and exercise regime, nothing will change.

[iamwesker]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Why do you think Cora?  It's been explained hundreds of times in hundreds of different ways.  Why do you think the next answer is going to give the solution?

The Self-Help books probably haven't helped (just like the forum) because you're not really applying the methods and suggestions.......rather that you simply "read" things in the hope of understanding and finding a piece of information that will suddenly make you feel better.  Sadly, it won't.  A person could read 10,000 Diet books but unless they change their diet and exercise regime, nothing will change.

Good analogy with the diet Caramoole I like it!

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Why do you think Cora?  It's been explained hundreds of times in hundreds of different ways.  Why do you think the next answer is going to give the solution?

The Self-Help books probably haven't helped (just like the forum) because you're not really applying the methods and suggestions.......rather that you simply "read" things in the hope of understanding and finding a piece of information that will suddenly make you feel better.  Sadly, it won't.  A person could read 10,000 Diet books but unless they change their diet and exercise regime, nothing will change.

@Caramoole, but there's always something. There's something I did, there's something I said, there's something I felt and there's something I thought. With so, so many worries this seems impossible. 

[Caramoole]

Mistake is you're treating every "imagined" incident as something separate when in fact there's only "one" thing and that's OCD.  You need to get your head round that Cora or there always will be "something"

[Cora]

4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Mistake is you're treating every "imagined" incident as something separate when in fact there's only "one" thing and that's OCD.  You need to get your head round that Cora or there always will be "something"

Even all the small movements (like touching my brother, stroking pets) that I do as an immediate response to my thoughts? 

I'm sorry to be annoying but I was just reading Brain Lock and throughout the book the author keeps mentioning that people with OCD never act on their thoughts and urges. So of course my brain has thrown at me a couple of memories where I impulsively touched my brother and my boyfriend's dogs after having terrible thoughts and urges. So do I accept them as part of OCD as well and just move on without feeling guilty and without trying to figure it all out? 

[Caramoole]

Sorry Cora.....I'm not going to answer that question.  It's the same old, same old that's been answered a thousand times.  

What does my post (that you've just quoted) actually say?  Read it again and try to understand it....but no more reassurance

[Cora]

11 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

What does my post (that you've just quoted) actually say?  Read it again and try to understand it....but no more reassurance

That it's all OCD? And that even though I think I did something bad it's not necessarily true? 

17 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Sorry Cora.....I'm not going to answer that question.  It's the same old, same old that's been answered a thousand times.  

What if I asked this for the last time? 

[Caramoole]

52 minutes ago, Cora said:

What if I asked this for the last time? 

  Nope!!

[Cora]

55 minutes ago, Cora said:

That it's all OCD? And that even though I think I did something bad it's not necessarily true? 

How about this? Did I get this right?