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How to deal with this HOCD and emotions, I feel suicidal


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Hi, I’ve been posting so mamy posts which I hate to do but I have the worst depression of my life! I don’t eat, I don’t go outside nothing. I have really bad thoughts, I imagine myself in my sexual fantasy with a Girl and feel attraction and desire and arousal, then this thought is pushed to the side and I get intrusive thought about someone I have false attraction to but at the same time that person in my mind is smiling so this causes me to have postitive feelings just because that person is smiling, so I compare this feelings and I know I have Real arousal/attraction to my sexual fantasy but then I look at the intrusive thought and Feel this false attraction which feels Real because of the likeable physical feeling it gives me, like it doesn’t match the thought and it feels really scary, I was crying and shaking the whole day and I can’t figure out whats what, I have really bad depression lowest of the low. 
 

can anyone help me Please ? I’m seeing therapist tommorow.

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Hi ThomasOCD,

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding things so tough at the moment. It sounds like you're doing a lot of mental checking and rumination on this subject which we know will contribute to all the doubt and negative feelings you're experiencing. Perhaps a good place to start would be to work out what compulsions you're doing that are keeping this going, hopefully this is also something your therapist can help you with. You need to break this cycle but it's important that your therapist helps you to choose to change your reactions to these doubts. 

We are hosting a presentation on HOCD and ROCD at our conference this year which you might find helpful. The therapist who is speaking has noticed that this is a common theme at the moment for many of her clients. You can register for the presentation here https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conferences-across-the-uk/2021-virtual/breakout/hocd-and-rocd-same-but-different/

Despite times being tough right now, you can still get through this and overcome OCD, so don't lose hope :)

Gemma

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Hi Thomas,

I have replied to several of your posts already.


I was exactly in the same **** you are from 2016 until 2018. I was doing exactly the same compulsions you are doing and having exactly the same intrusive thoughts you are having. 
For your info I was never gay or bi and  that OCD crisis did not change my sexual orientation at all.

I remember myself checking all kind of porn, confusing anxiety with sex arousal (something very common that happens to absolutely everyone according to psychologists books), reviewing non stop all my sexual experiences in the past, checking people of both genders in the street, imaging myself in gay scenarios to assess my body reactions…all mixed with terrible fear, anxiety and depression. I even started to hear a voice saying “wow, what a beautiful man”….

I convinced myself that I was a gay…I felt exhausted of anxiety, lost 20 kgs in three months, had continuous nightmares with gays and transgenders… Then it came even worse I started to think that I should probably change my sex… 

I also remember that one night I could not stand it anymore and I told my girlfriend to break the relationship and I told her that I would try gay sex in real to see if I like it or not, a hard checking compulsion. My psychiatrist phoned me and advised me that this would not fix anything because it will only fuel the OCD like any other compulsion. How did I get out of that horror forest after 2 years of suffering? DOING NORMAL LIFE AND MAKING AND EFFORT TO STOP COMPULSIONS like checks, mental rumination, avoiding things…just do your life like any other person without being afraid to enter into a change room in a gym, without being afraid of being close to gays who may like you, without any kind of checks, without reviewing mentally any situation or past experience. Accept the intrusive thoughts, they are going to be there for long time, but do not react on them, let them come and go. Keep doing your things, the things that you like doing in life and also your obligations. There is not a single gay or bi or straight in this world who became what he/she is after reviewing and checking…you are what you are but not because of the checks you have performed!. All suffering you have now only shows how is against you the homosexual condition. 

I also had in my past other diagnosed OCD crisis: Relationships OCD crisis, HIV OCD crisis…

I know that these words will only release you temporarily and you will later feel again the doubt and come back to your compulsions and will start the cycle again.

This is why I also advise you to refrain from entering here too much and ideally not enter into these forums at all because for you is another way of compulsion (reassurance compulsion).

As I wrote down, keep moving forward with your life like if nothing is happening, avoid compulsions and do not worry because time will put the things in order in your head if you refrain from making compulsions.

With compulsions you will never know anything for sure and you will only disturb the natural flow of things. Not too mention the waste of your time, the pain involved and the damage to your mental and physical health.

Regards.

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@TamagochiYou really helped me to understand things clearly, I have this thought about a person do the same sex that I used to have false attraction to noe when I check to this thought I force myself to feel that  happy/excitement feeling and Groinal response and then I quickly change to sexual thought that gives me pleasurable sexual arousal and feelings and then I compare this feelings but they seem almost the same which gives me depression and panic, but I understand that this feeling may be confused. 

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Hi Thomas.  I dont know know if I have HOCD or not.  I initially thought I did and was told I did but now fear the worst as my symptoms have changed.

I too get the groinal response and it is horrible.  I am scared everytime they occur but they happen now anytime I look at a good looking guy on tv or internet.  Its like a tightness and tingling but dont get an erection (yet).

Worse I can see women in sexy photos and no longer feel desire or arousal.  I'm 40.

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