Maybe not ocd

[Nolightleft]

Does anyone have any tips on not needing to confess or is it just a matter of keeping your mouth shut because if that is the case I can't see the shame and guilt going as we all work in the the same workplace so I am triggered with the guilt eall day,I know its pathetic but I feel my wife has the Wright to know I entertained these thoughts

[gingerbreadgirl]

Your anxiety will fade over time but only if you stop engaging with this worry - I imagine you are Ruminating on this a lot, it's really important to keep turning your attention away from this over and over to give your brain chance to cool down.

There is nothing to confess - resist this urge - it is a very slippery slope and can affect your relationship. Your thoughts and feelings are a private realm and don't need disclosing to anyone. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I have been down the confessing path with ocd and it can be very damaging to a relationship - no matter what you confess your brain will always find something else to confess, and then something else, and then something else. Stay away from engaging with this, leave it well alone, keep busy with other things - in time the anxiety will fade.

[Nolightleft]

Thank you 

Atm I can't see this ending,every day consumed with guilt, if we didn't work together I wouldn't be reminded everyday of the thought/fantasies I've had, really feels like I've betrayed my wife

[Nolightleft]

I always believed I was honest and transparent,ot as if I've realised I've been living a lie, I feel terrible, I believe in honesty yet with this illness you can't be, I don't get it, I was always taught to be honest

[PolarBear]

So long as you keep this top of mind, use negative self talk and ruminate endlessly, this will stick around.

The reason this bothers you so is because you won't let it go.

[Nolightleft]

Everytime I think it's settling I remember another fantasy I've had, there must have been hundreds, I don't know how I could betray my wife over all these years and not think anything of it, I want to tell her everything so she knows what kind of man I am but at the same time I don't want to lose her but then I feel I'm desieving her, this is so hard to deal with

[PolarBear]

Then don't deal with it. That's an option, you know.

 

[Nolightleft]

I'm really trying to ignore it

I just had a melt down and my wife held me as I fell apart, I feel awful that I couldn't tell her the truth, I told her I was having negative thoughts of being a bad person, she told me I wasn't, I wanted to tell her the reason I though I was a bad person but I somehow didn't, I am in such a state feeling like I'm lying to her,my fantasies are popping up from 20 years ago and keep popping up new ones,end of my tether

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm really trying to ignore it

I just had a melt down and my wife held me as I fell apart, I feel awful that I couldn't tell her the truth, I told her I was having negative thoughts of being a bad person, she told me I wasn't, I wanted to tell her the reason I though I was a bad person but I somehow didn't, I am in such a state feeling like I'm lying to her,my fantasies are popping up from 20 years ago and keep popping up new ones,end of my tether

I have been here with my ex partner and it is really absolutely awful the feeling is horrible, like nothing will ever be the same unless you "confess" - I feel for you. But believe me you will feel relief for five minutes and then you'll think you didn't explain properly, or you need to say something else, or whatever - very quickly your life will become a never ending round of you confessing things every day and it will run your life. I've been there and I wished so many times I had never started. 

You are taking such a black and white view of "honesty".  There are so many things you and your wife do not tell each other and this is normal. You don't tell her every thought you have and neither does she. Let this be a grey area, let it feel doubtful and uncomfortable. It feels such a big deal because you are putting your attention on it. It isn't a real issue - it's an illusion. Get on with enjoying your life and leave this where it belongs. 

 

[snowbear]

7 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

You are taking such a black and white view of "honesty".  There are so many things you and your wife do not tell each other and this is normal. You don't tell her every thought you have and neither does she. Let this be a grey area, let it feel doubtful and uncomfortable. It feels such a big deal because you are putting your attention on it. It isn't a real issue - it's an illusion. Get on with enjoying your life and leave this where it belongs. 

 

   Excellent insight and advice.

[Nolightleft]

I will try, it's hard because even when I think I'm feeling a bit better one of the women will walk in and trigger it, the shame and guilt is a tough one to get through, I will do my best to follow advice but I can't bare to live the rest of my life feeling like she doesn't know the true me

[Nolightleft]

I know I shouldn't confess but it's snowballing,I didn't realise how much and how many people I had fantasy/thoughts about as I discarded them but there is ALOT,find it hard to see how I adore love And cherish my wife yet have entertained mentaly with so many,I know other people have them but like I said I ve had lots,honestly feel as if I've lived a lie to my poor wife and the need to tell her is near unbearable 

[Nolightleft]

Really starting to panic now

When I think I've got a grip it throws something else up

My son is in his 20s and I'm pretty sure I had entertained thoughts about me cheating with his ex

Also about 2 women who live in my town catching me doing something then joining in. 

I had forgotten all this, it's as if the floodgates have opened, I had no idea how perverted I've actually been but without a care in the world, feel totally disgusted, thought I was better person than imagining so so many disgusting things but people thinking I'm a good moral man

Sorry for posting, struggling in my own skin

[Nolightleft]

Omg now I've just remembered having a thought of being at work doing something I shouldn't and a women I work with walking in, most people don't go that perverse, I wonder if I deserve to be and I really think my wife should know so she can decide to be with me or not

[Nolightleft]

Just to add I would never expose myself in reality or be a voyeur, but the, /fantasy thoughts were enjoyable at the time, I really am disgusting 

[Nolightleft]

Sorry if I've disgusted or offended anyone, maby I'm in the wrong forum, just can't shake off the guilt and self disgust, 20 years of self disgust from one article, can't cope

[Nolightleft]

Really hope I haven't offended anyone, not sure of the rules on here and what I can discuss,or have I overstepped a forum line with describing the things I've thought

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

Really hope I haven't offended anyone, not sure of the rules on here and what I can discuss,or have I overstepped a forum line with describing the things I've thought

The rules of the forum aren't about what you describe. It's simply that describing the details of your intrusive thoughts is a compulsion in itself. We don't need to know the details because 'I had a disgusting thought about cheating on my wife' is no different from 'I had a disgusting thought about putting ketchup on my chips.' So what and so what? They are equal.

The problem is you can't see they are equal. You interpret each thought as if having a thought was as disgusting and immoral as doing the action. You interpret thoughts as 'saying something bad about me' and start jumping through OCD hoops to confess or neutralise, or right the wrongness and disgust you feel.

But all it actually says is 'I'm a moral person who having an imoral thought of no consequence.' End of.

 

On 08/12/2021 at 08:48, Nolightleft said:

it's snowballing

The more intrusive thoughts you treat as meaningful, the more intrusive thoughts you'll get. The more you ruminate (think about) the thoughts the more important they'll seem and the worse you'll feel. Each of your posts today has been details of the rumination you've done as a result of yet another intrusive thought.

You need to recognise these thoughts (or 'memories') are simply thoughts passing through your head. They require no action, not even the 'action' of feeling disgusted. It's ok to let them pass on through your head and let them go without doing anything at all.

The sooner you start doing that the faster the snowball will melt away and disappear.

 

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou

The problems I have is that the intrusive thoughts now are painful and awful but at the time enjoyed so poor oopasites, also that ocd is a paradox, everything you believe will help won't and vice versa

[Nolightleft]

I'm trying so hard to use the advice given but I can't shake it out my head, I have had some really perverted fantasy thoughts,I wish I could see this as not a problem but I feel its a major flaw in me,my wife is desperate to help and I'm trying desperately to not hurt her by letting it all spill out,how do other people manage to not confess and feel peice of mind

[snowbear]

1 minute ago, Nolightleft said:

how do other people manage to not confess and feel peice of mind

Very easy. Other people don't confuse simply having a thought with having done something immoral. Neither did you before this episode of OCD started. All the guilt you feel is the result of your flawed reasoning/ OCD.

Treat your OCD and this guilt will stop seeming so real and essential.

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

53 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm trying so hard to use the advice given but I can't shake it out my head, I have had some really perverted fantasy thoughts,I wish I could see this as not a problem but I feel its a major flaw in me,my wife is desperate to help and I'm trying desperately to not hurt her by letting it all spill out,how do other people manage to not confess and feel peice of mind

It won't get better straight away. Got to keep chipping away at it, stop Ruminating every single time, stop paying it any attention whatsoever. It will feel anxious and uncomfortable but got to grit your teeth and keep turning away from it, over and over. In time the anxiety will fade - I promise - but it won't happen right away. 

[Nolightleft]

Your time and wisdom is appreciated very much

Ive been looking, not for reassurance but to understand more,could it be moral ocd with thought action fusion

What I find most confusing is I enjoyed these perverted fantasies at the time no question yet I am so disgusted now, how could I have 2 tottaly moral outlooks inside one head, as if 2 totally different people, one that can have the dirtiest mind and enjoy it knowing I'd never want it in reality and 1 that feels so shameful and disgusted about the same things

I'm finding not telling my wife one of the hardest things to do I feel like a lifetime fraud

[Nolightleft]

I'm crushed, I was that close to confessing everything but it would never end, I keep remembering other fantasies I'd discarded, jesus I feel like a pervy sex maniac, how could I not recognise my thinking at the time, I feel so done with this life, shame guilt yet can't confess, like being in hell